*Listen to "Hurt" by Christina Aguilera while reading this chapter, if possible.
Chapter sixty-four
I'm sitting in my bed on my phone, watching Youtube, in just Matt's hoodie and my underwear.
I know, I'm pathetic.
I don't care though, I miss him.
I open my text messages and read through all our texts, smiling and laughing as I go along.
God, I'm so fucking pathetic.
I turn my phone and off and put it to charge on the nightstand. I pull my laptop out of my school bag and go on Netflix to watch a movie.
I'm just getting comfy when I hear a knock on the door.
Jon, maybe?
He hasn't texted me which he always does before coming here.
Skylar has probably forgotten something.
I get out of bed, not bothering to put any pants on.
I open the door.
"Skylar, that's why I always tell you to....."
I freeze once I realize who's standing in front of me.
Matt in a black hoodie and jeans, bloodshot eyes, holding a hoodie.
I'm wearing only his hoodie. Nothing else. Fuck.317Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXC5xRmmjZt
I shut the door immediately, embarrassed, and shocked.
He knocks on the door again, lightly.
"Let me in Novah, please. I just have something to give you then I'll leave." he pleads.
I open the door slowly, my eyes avoiding his.
He hands me a black hoodie folded neatly.
"I'd bought this for you before.....Just thought you should have it."
I move my gaze, slowly up to his.
His sorrowful green eyes meet mine, bloodshot, dark lines underneath his eyes.
I really hope he slept okay last night.
I hope he didn't have any nightmares last night.
I scan his body, not knowing what I'm looking for.
My eyes move to his arms which are covered with the black fabric his hoodie is made of.
My eyes move over to his hands and I think I see a blood trickle down his wrist.
I grab his wrist and pull up the sleeve.
White bandages, blood seeping through it cover his wrist.
He pulls away quickly.
My eyes well up and I feel a pang of overwhelming guilt in the pit of my stomach.
"Matt, what is that?' I ask.
He pulls his sleeve back down.
"Nothing," he says hoarsely. He turns and starts walking down the hall.
I grab his arm and pull him back.
"No, you get in here, now," I demand, barely holding myself together.
I pull him into my room and lock the door behind us. He leans against the door as I turn his wrist over.
I pull his sleeve up slowly.
His face is blank and expressionless.
I pull back the white bandaging slowly. He grimaces and I kiss his cheek tenderly.
I look back down at his wrist.
Tiny red cuts are scattered across his wrist and lower arm.
I gasp. My bottom lip quivers, uncontrollably.
"What....did you....." I struggle to push the words out.
"Its nothing, Novah," he whispers.
"No!" I yell. "It is something! You're hurting yourself. Was it....because of me?"
His face softens.
"Of course not,"
"Don't lie to me," I whisper.
He stays silent.
I stumble back onto the bed and sniffle.
I look down at my hands and get really, really nauseous.
I caused that. Those angry, red cuts.
What even am I? 317Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQl8BWXd7oS
A monster.
"Novah, don't think that. You didn't cause what I did," he kneels in front of me, taking my hands into his own.
"Why.......did I....." I start to breathe heavily.
He gets onto the bed and pulls me onto him. "Don't worry about me. I'm okay.....just not....when I'm without you,"
I begin to cry, my shoulders moving up and down.
"I'm sorry....."
"No, no, no. This is not your fault at all. I did this to myself. I promise,"
"But...I don't want to hurt you....."
He wipes my tears away with his hands and kisses my face repeatedly.
"You could never possibly hurt me,"
I take deep breathes to stop the crying.
He runs his hand up and down my back, soothingly.
"I promise, you have nothing to do with my actions, Novah,"
I bury my face in his chest to calm myself down.
I cling onto him for dear life. I don't want him to be in pain.
I want him to be happy and feel loved because I know he hasn't felt that in a long time. I don't want to be the cause of his pain.
I love him.
I lift my head up and look into his eyes.
"Have you had alcohol today?"
He doesn't say anything.
"Matt, please tell me,"
"Yes," he whispers. I lay my head back down on my chest as more tears fall down my face.
He was sober.....until he met me. He....he.....cut himself because of me.
"I'm sorry...." I whisper through tears.
"No. I'm sorry. I can't stand to see you like this. I'm so sorry,"
"Why....why are your eyes bloodshot?' I stammer.
He stays silent for a few seconds.
"I didn't....get much sleep last night," he says.
I start to sob uncontrollably.
I'm the fucking problem!
I pry myself off of him and get onto the floor, pulling my knees up to my chest and sinking my head into my arms.
All I can see is darkness and my own mistakes. My flaws. What I fucking caused!
I feel his arms around me, picking me up. He sits on the bed and wraps his arms tight around me.
All I can feel is his pain. Now made my own. Nothing else.
Pain that.....I caused.
"Stop crying. I'm fine and I love you. Stop, please,"
I look up at him.
His eyebrows are knit together but all I can focus on are the dark lines under his eyes.
I almost start to cry again but he presses his lips against mine.
"Stop," he says between kisses. "Don't focus on me," he says. He kisses my face over and over.
"Don't go back there. Stay with me," I ask him. I don't want him to be at the frat house, alone.....hurting himself and drinking, barely sleeping.
All because of me.
"I want to. Believe me, I want to.....so badly. But I make you sad. I should stay away from you," he tells me.
"But....seeing you.....like this.....makes me even sadder,"
He kisses the top of my head.
"I shouldn't be in your life. I don't deserve to,"
"But....." I look up at him. "No,"
"I'll stay with you. I'm sorry,"
I lay down in the bed. Matt takes his shoes off. Then he removes his hoodie and jeans.
He lays down next to me, pulling the covers over us.
I lay my head right on the candle tattoo that on his upper right chest area.
He wraps his arm around me.
"I'm sorry.....I love you more than anything. It was never my intention for you to feel sad,"
"Shh.....Don't talk about that,"
I don't want him to think about that and feel distressed.
"Okay. I'll leave you alone after tonight,"
My chest feels heavy when he mentions leaving.
"No, Matt. Go to sleep," I say my voice trembling.
He pulls back and tilts my chin up.
"What? Why do you sound like that?"
"I...I don't like it when you talk about leaving,"
His eyes glint in the light.
"Then I won't, " he whispers. I exhale.
He kisses me on the lips and then pulls me against his chest.
"I love you, Novah," he whispers. I close my eyes and feel at peace. Even with the painful circumstances, Matt is right next to me, safe, not hurting himself or drinking or saying anything negative. Just holding me. In his arms.
Hopefully, I'm easing his pain. That's all I ever want.
Ever since I set eyes on him I could see the pain in his eyes. His beautiful eyes hold so much sorrow.
I just wanted to kiss it away.
If I could....just take all his pain away.
I feel it. All of it. I don't want that. I want him to be happy.
With me.
"Are you happy, right now?" I murmur.
"I'm always happy when you're in my arms,"
I exhale in relief.
Good. After seeing those cuts, all those other scars amongst them, I need him to be happy.
I sink into serene sleep, at peace now that he's holding me. Now that I know he's safe with me.
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