Chapter forty-two
Matt
As always, Dr.Franklin's door is wide open. He's sitting behind his mahogany desk. I walk into the room.
"Hello, Matt. How are you doing?" Dr. Franklin asks.
"I actually wanted to tell you something," I say and rub my finger along the scar on my wrist, a habit I picked up in my teen years.
"Okay. Go ahead and sit down wherever. I'm flattered that you came here voluntarily." he jokes. I sit down in the brown loveseat. I like Dr. Franklin. At first, I didn't trust him or like him as I am with everyone. I was an asshole for the first few months of seeing him but after that, I started to open up. He treats me like a human being and not a sorry bitch. I've been seeing him since I was fifteen when everything happened. He stands up and walks over to the black futon opposite of me. I sit back in the large, comfortable chair.
"So, I met someone."
"A woman?" he asks with his eyebrows raised.
"Yeah. Can I close the door?"
"Sure," he replies. I stand up and walk over to the door, shutting it. Once I sit back down he proceeds to ask questions with his clipboard in hand. "So, is this woman a potential love interest?" I dwell on the word love. It's so hard for me to love people. Especially women. I just don't trust people. I always end up getting the short end of the stick. I always end up being vulnerable and helpless. I promised myself that I would never voluntarily put myself in that situation again. But, Novah, she makes me feel something new and strange. I just feel the need to protect her and keep her safe. But how do I love someone? I want to try and love her but I really, truly don't know how. I can't even love myself. I know I'm going to let her down somehow. I already have. It all makes me so scared, something I'm used to feeling. When I'm scared I hurt people, just like how I've hurt her before. I'm surprised she hasn't run off yet.
"I...I think so. I think she might actually like me."
"And why do you find that so surprising?" Dr. Franklin asks.
"I didn't think that anybody...could like me. At least not.....me." I try to articulate my feelings into words. "I think she sees something in me."
"What is it that you think she sees?"
"Something good. Something not dark." Dr. Franklin smiles faintly.
"I'm glad you're opening yourself up to her. That's really healthy."
"She's actually down the hall with Dr. Shelby, getting a check-up." I smile like a kid at the thought of her. My Novah.
"Would you mind if I had a word with her? After her and Dr. Shelby finish?"
"I don't think that's a good idea. She doesn't know that I see a therapist. It might scare her off."
"Okay. If you feel uncomfortable with it then that's completely fine," he replies coolly. But I want to show him that I'm not a hopeless case. I want him to see how amazing she is. But I'm afraid that she might get scared off. I look at Dr. Franklin. He's writing something on his clipboard. I've always wondered what he writes about me on that clipboard. One time I tried to steal it but he caught me. Of course, I didn't really give a shit if he thought I was a thief. I thought he was just some shrink with nothing better to do than listen to my shit. Plus, my father was paying hundreds of dollars per hour for his "services"
"Actually, I would like it if you met her." Dr. Franklin smiles.
"Great! I'm very proud of the progress you've made." his compliment actually makes me feel good. Hearing someone say they're proud of me makes me proud of myself.
"Hey, um, anything on the killer?"
"Unfortunately, the case has not been reopened." My heart sinks every single time I hear him say that.
"Oh."
"But, as always, I will notify you if I find anything out." he offers a reassuring smile. I don't smile back.
"Do you think I'm crazy?" I ask randomly.
"You ask me this every week and it will always be the same answer. No. I think that you are traumatized because of the events that took place in your teen years but I do not think that you are crazy." He always tells me this but I don't believe him. Sometimes, I think he's lying just to shut me up and that I am a little nutty. My phone starts to ring. I take it out of my pocket. Its Novah. I answer it.
"Everything good?" I ask, a tad bit worried. What if something happened. What if she's pregnant?
"Yeah. Everything went well. Dr. Shelby gave me some pills to take after we...." she clears her throat.
"Yeah." I save her from having to talk about sex any further. She hates saying anything sex-related, out loud. "Didn't I tell you everything would go great? Where are you?" I mouth 'I'm sorry' to Dr. Franklin. He smirks at me, I think, knowing that I'm talking to Novah.
"I'm in the hallway. I didn't want to go to the lobby because of ....that receptionist."
"Okay. I have a friend that wants to say hi to you. I'll be out there in a second."
"Okay." she hangs up the phone.
"So, she's real?" he jokes. I flip him off, instinctually and he chuckles. "She's beautiful. You'll see. Be right back." I stand up, putting my phone in my pocket and walk out into the hallway. Novah is leaning against the wall, right down the hall, on her phone. She looks up and smiles. I run over to her.
"Hi," I say and she smiles at me. God, I love this girl. When she smiles at me, damn, I lose it. I grab her by the waist and kiss her. I let go of her waist and take her hand. "Someone asked to meet you," I tell her. She looks confused.
"Who?" She asks me. I smile at her.
"C'mon." I lead her down the hall to Dr. Franklin's open door. Dr. Franklin is still sitting on the black futon.
"Here she is." I almost sit in my usual brown chair but then I realize that it probably wouldn't be ideal to have her sit on my lap here. I look around the room for somewhere for us both to sit. Dr. Franklin stands up. "I'll sit over there."
I walk around the table and to the black futon and sit down. Novah sits down next to me. I sit back and rest my arm behind her head. Dr. Franklin sits down in the brown chair, clasping his hands together. I see that he has put his clipboard down on the table.
"Hello. I'm Dr. Franklin and you are...."
"Novah. pleased to meet you," she replies, confidently.
"The pleasure is all mine. I was actually very excited to hear that Matt was interested in somebody and I just had to know who." I feel my face heat up. This is the second time that I've blushed for the day. I usually never blush. Novah and Dr. Franklin both look at me, shocked for a second but they both quickly look away.
"So, is Matt your patient? Or....." I was fearing this moment. She might freak out when she learns that I see a therapist.
"I'm his therapist."
"Oh. Cool," I look over at her. She's trying to hide her shock.
"Yeah, Matt was telling me all about you."
"Really?" I just want to leave the room. This is so uncomfortable for me. I would go to the bathroom but I'm afraid that he'll tell her something about my fucked-up past.
"Yes, he was. All good things, though." he chuckles and Novah laughs nervously. I sit up. This has gone on long enough.
"Great that you guys got to meet but we have somewhere to be.....very soon." Novah turns and gives me her you're-being-very-rude look. I pretend not to see it. Dr. Franklin smiles understandingly.
"Well, don't let me keep you waiting." He stands up and Novah and I stand up as well. Novah walks over and shakes his hand.
"It was very nice to meet you," she says politely. She's so goddamned polite and I am the complete opposite. I'm glad that I bring out the bitch in her. Sometimes she curses the fuck out of me and it kind of pleases me that I bring out that side of her.
"You're a very lovely young lady. Come straight to me if Matt does anything." they both laugh and I just stand there awkwardly. This has been the most awkward situation I've ever been in. Novah looks back at me.
"Okay, doc. We're going now." I say to Dr. Franklin.
"Alright, Matt. Novah," he says and nods at her. She starts to walk out the door and I start to make my way out the door. Dr. Franklin pats me on the back. "I'm truly happy for you, Matt," he says quietly, to avoid Novah overhearing. I smile at him and walk out the door. Novah is standing outside the door. I look at her face gauging her feelings about this. We walk down to the lobby in absolute silence. Is she mad at me? She is walking in front of me not saying anything. I need some sort of verbal confirmation that she won't run far away from me.
"Novah." we walk out into the lobby and straight out the door, not even taking a look back. "Novah," I say again. She turns around, not making eye contact. I tilt her chin up to force her to look at me. I absolutely need to know what she's feeling right now.
"How are you feeling?" I ask peering into her eyes. She looks upset now.
"Confused. Can we please leave?" she looks like she's given up on me and it chips a piece off of what little heart I have. I give in and she turns and walks towards my car. I unlock it and she quickly gets into the car. Damn. Why did I introduce her to Dr. Franklin? Everything was going so well. How do I always find a way to fuck things up for everyone? I open the driver's side and get in. I look over at Novah before turning on the car. She looks perplexed.
"Talk to me, baby. Please." she's staring out the window trying to avoid looking at me. She finally turns in my direction and looks me in the face.
"Why do you come here?" she asks. I sigh and run my finger along my wrist. She looks down at my wrist and I quickly snatch it away from her view. "You're hiding so much from me and I can tell. Why do you see a therapist?"
This time I'm the one avoiding her disapproving eyes. "Its always been hard for me to talk about the pain that I've experienced in my life. Its a lot of baggage and I don't think you want to hear about it." she places her small, warm hand on top of mine.
"I do. I want to know about you and perhaps ease your pain. Because....because I care about you and your feelings. Let me in, Matt." her pleading eyes dig deep into my heart to a place that nobody has ever been. I feel like I'm about to cry and to push down those emotions I have the urge to break something. Hurt someone. It's my defense mechanism.
"No. Novah." I refuse to unload all my shit on her. She looks at me again, her eyes full of kindness and love.
"Matt, you can trust me." so she says. I want to trust her but I can't. I always get hurt by doing that shit. I don't want to feel that horrible feeling of the pain seeping into my bones and burrowing there. I've felt that godforsaken feeling for so many years.
"I can't." I struggle to say. I look over at her, pushing my tears back, far from us. Her eyebrows are knitted together.
"I don't want to force you into anything but, I need to know something about you."
I definitely understand where she's coming from. I want to know everything about her as well. She's not like me, though. She's not messed up like I am so it's easy for her to talk about things. It's not easy for me to talk about things. I've already told her things that I haven't told Jon. I trust her, but not fully. I want to trust her but my mind is telling me to run. But how can I? How can I run from this beautiful girl who has been able to make me laugh and smile and be happy?
"When we go out tonight, tell me something about you. Anything Matt."
She's really trying to work with me here but I can't even promise that. I'm too afraid. There's nothing I can tell her about myself without it including something dating back to when I was fifteen.
"Okay?" she pulls me out of my terrifying thoughts.
"I....I'll try." I really will. She sighs and It makes me disappointed in myself. Why do I have to make her sad all the time?
We drive back to the dorm rooms in painful silence. I pull up in front of the rooms dreading the moment that I'll be apart from her.
"When should I pick you up?"
"Can I drive there?"
"Absolutely not," I say firmly. "It's our first date. You shouldn't be driving yourself." Her face goes annoyed and she rolls her eyes. I mentally exhale, glad that some emotion has returned to her.
"I can drive myself, Matt. You are so...controlling sometimes." I run my hand through my hair, exasperated, and give in. Hell, the girl found out that I see a fucking shrink, I should give her what she wants. "Fine. But only because you didn't leave me earlier."
"I couldn't have even if I wanted to."
"What's that supposed to mean?" My voice starts to rise. She looks at me nervously and I immediately soften. I NEVER want my girl to be scared of me.
"I'm not going to give up on you just because of that. it wouldn't be fair."
"Fair? I've already hurt you. If anything this isn't fair to you."
"Stop. We're going on a date and I'm excited so stop saying those things."
"Okay." I want to feel her touch right now. The physical reassurance that she still wants me. "Come here," I ask softly. I just want to make her feel good. Its the only way I know-how. I know she probably won't let me do it in the car for fears that someone might see but I just want to kiss her. She hesitantly climbs over the console onto my lap. Earlier when she told me that my lap was her favorite place, I felt so happy. I don't know if she was joking or not but it made me feel so wanted, something I haven't felt in a long time. I place my hands on her hips and she looks down at me, uncorrupted and pure. I place my lips on hers, relieved to feel her kiss me back. This is the best feeling in the world. Her body leaning into mine, my lip devouring hers greedily. I crave this day and night. She moans softly when I push my tongue into her mouth and it lights me up. God, her moans are perhaps the best sound besides her giggling. She coils my hair around her fingers and tugs on it. God, she's gonna fucking kill me. I don't think she understands how much I want to lose myself inside of her right now. I place my hands on her ass and push her against me. She moans into my mouth and I can feel my erection sticking her in between her legs. This is so damn hot. She pulls her mouth away from mine and kisses my neck. Woah! She's getting bold.
"Novah, what are you doing?" I ask in a raspy voice. She's sucking on my neck meanwhile my cock is fucking throbbing for her.
"Baby, stop," I say, my voice husky. She stops kissing my neck and looks at me, confused. "If I can't fuck you right here in this parking lot, I don't want to take it any further. I'm so fucking hard for you right now." She looks all affected by my dirty words. That's one of the things I love about her. She's so sensitive and reactive to my words and my touch. I can get her soaking wet by just talking to her. She looks at me innocently and then grinds against my crotch. I groan uncontrollably. I look at her, pleading to end this sweet torture. "If you don't stop, then I'll fuck you in this car, I swear to god, Novah."
"Okay," she whispers. She starts to unzip my pants, her hand making contact with my erection through my jeans.
"Fuck." she fumbles around with the zipper a little longer before finally unzipping my jeans. I lift myself up off the seat and pull down my jeans a little. "Shit. I don't have a condom on me."
"It's fine. I got birth control," she tells me breathlessly. Yes! I get to feel every fucking inch of her around me. She pulls off her leggings and panties and throws them to the side. She lowers herself onto me unexpectedly and I fill her with my every inch. We both share the same moan of relief. This woman drives me mad!
"God, baby, this feels so good." I lift her by her hips and lower her back onto me. She swivels her hips around and I almost come from that alone.
"Novah." I breathe.
"Mattttt." she moans as she slowly lifts and lowers herself onto me. I have to keep my mouth shut before I say something that I'll regret. Instead, I start to say what I know will make her come.
"Baby, you feel so fucking good wrapped around my cock." her head rolls back and I wrap my arms around her waist and lift my hips to meet hers. "You're so beautiful, baby. I know you know that." her soft moans fill the car as she bounces up and down on my lap. I'm so close. "C'mon Novah. Come for me." I say, my voice rough and breathy. I press my thumb against her clitoris and she clenches around me before squirting a warm liquid onto me. That's what does it for me. I dig my fingers into her hips before releasing inside of her. "Shit." I curse through gritted teeth.
She rests her head against my chest, breathing heavily from that amazing sex. I hope it was as good for her as it was for me.
"Good?" I ask, still out of breath.
"Yes. I loved every minute." I smile against her shoulder, happy that I pleasured my beautiful girl.
"What else do you love?" I try to probe her into saying words that I've only fantasized about her saying.
"What do you mean?" she lifts her head up and looks me in the eye.
"There was something you said the other night." she looks at me cautiously.
"What did I say?" she asks. I don't think I should ask her about it. We're about to go on our date and everything. I can't ruin it.
"Umm....which restaurant are we going to?" she climbs off of my lap and into the passenger seat. She scrambles to put her panties and leggings back on. I look up and see Ben walking out of the building. Shit. I pull up my boxers and pants quickly. She opens up the door, taking her purse and phone.
"Text me the address," she says hastily before hopping out of the car and walking towards Ben. Goddamn it! Sometimes I regret beating his ass sometimes cause Novah pays extra attention to him. He's such a fucking victim. I actually want him to know that I just fucked Novah in this goddamned parking lot. I look around in the car and grab my hoodie from the backseat.
I get out of my car and approach Ben and Novah with a slick smile on my face. That bastard.
"Hey, baby. You left this." I grab her by her waist and kiss her. She looks confused.
"Umm....this isn't mine."
"Well, it might be cold in the restaurant tonight. You never know. I wouldn't want to ruin our date." I'm basically talking to Ben right now. I plant a kiss on her forehead.
"I'll text you," I shout while walking away from them and back to my car. Haha, Ben! Now she's holding my hoodie right in front of you and now you know that I'm taking her out tonight. I quickly drive out of the parking lot before she can come over and get mad at me for proving to Ben what's mine.
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