Chapter sixty
I need to take a minute to digest this. Matt wrote a poem for me?
What?
But I can't go back to him. That would be so weak-willed of me.
I can't go back to him. But I want to. So bad.
I hold the paper to my chest and close my eyes.
Dr. Nazim walks in the room and I jump up, stuffing the paper under the sheet.
"You're good to go. Everything seems to be normal. Just maybe don't do anything too crazy,"
"Okay," I smile at her. I'm kind of happy right now because of the poem.
"I already ran tests and everything and everything seems to be good, so you can go,"
"Okay,"
"Just sign the discharge paperwork,"
She hands me a sheet on a clipboard. I take a minute to read through the whole thing before signing.
I sign and hand back to her.
"Okay, Somebody will be here to show you out soon,"
"Thank you, Dr. Nazim,"
"Oh and one more thing. You should probably stay away from whatever caused the panic attack. Just a suggestion,"
I smile weakly.
"Okay. Will do," I tell her.
She smiles back before walking out of the room. Fuck. I don't think anybody wants me to be with Matt. Honestly, I don't know if I fully want to be with Matt. I need to be by myself with some food to just think about my day.
I pick up my phone off off the table. It's 2:00 right now. I'm not gonna go to my classes so I'll just go home, now. Probably call my mom and Josh. Just to make sure everything's okay.
I'll have to think about the thing with Matt.
I grab the two cards from Skylar and Jon, that I'll have to read when I get home and put them in my purse. I tuck it into my bra, for safe-keeping. and also since I don't have any fucking pockets on this dumb ass hospital gown. I pick up the two bouquets of roses which are already too much for me to carry on my own.
"I'll help you with that," a nurse walks into the room. She picks up the large teddy bear and my two shopping bags from earlier.
I walk out the room door.
"We have to go to the front desk first," the nurse says.
"Okay,"
We walk to the front desk, where I get my jeans and t-shirt that I was wearing before I got here. I check out of the hospital and walk out of the entrance.
"Where's the restroom? I have to change,"
"Its right over there," she points towards the door that says 'women's restroom' that's close to the front desk. "Have a lovely day," the nurse says with a smile.
"You too," I say with a reciprocated smile.
I finish changing in the bathroom and am changed into my jeans and Matt's t-shirt. I am about to walk to my car when I realize I didn't drive here. Shit. I hadn't thought that far ahead.
I look around and quickly try to figure something out.
I pull out my phone to call an uber.
"Novah," I hear someone say. I turn to the side and see Jon in his red pickup truck.
Yes!
I open the passenger side. Jon is sitting in the driver's, smiling.
"Oh my god, you are a lifesaver," I say to him.
Jon takes the bouquets of roses and puts them on the dashboard.
"Sorry, there is no space in my car,"
"Thank you for the ride. It was much needed and extremely appreciated."
"No problem at all," he says as he takes my shopping my bad and puts them in between out two seats.
I keep my purse on my lap and close the door.
"Alright," he says as he starts to drive out of the parking lot.
"So, everything good?" Jon asks.
"Yep,"
"Are you okay?" he asks.
"Yeah, I'm good,"
He looks at me knowingly. "Knowing Matt, his words can sting. If you don't mind me asking, what happened?"
I turn my head and look out the window.
"We were at the store shopping for clothes because he'd made plans for us today. Also, his mom invited us to dinner tomorrow night,"
"Really?" Jon's eyebrows rise.
"Yeah, she said you and your parents were gonna be there,"
"Yeah, our family's are really close. I can't believe that. Matt has never brought someone to home,"
"Well, we ran into one of my friends who mentioned a girl named Denise who he was the girl he was with when he stood me up,"
"Wow. The nerve,"
"And I asked him about it and he said that she meant nothing which it's not that I didn't believe him, I was just a little skeptical. He said that I believed everybody but him and I said that its because he's lied to me before,"
"And he got mad, huh?"
"Yep. He said that I'm right and we don't belong together. I know that he snaps at me when he's angry so I kinda took it with a grain of salt. So, I said that and also that he needs to stop giving up on us and he said that there is no 'us' and that I just need to fucking go,"
"And he's done this before right?"
"Multiple times,"
Jon sighs.
"What can I say? Matt.....is Matt. He's always been like this. I shouldn't make excuses for him, though. He's an ass,"
"Well, when he came into the hospital room he gave me something he wrote," I tell Jon. I refrain from saying 'poetry' because I'm the only person that knows he writes poetry.
"He wrote something for you?"
"Yeah, just a little note, I guess," I tell him I'm cooly.
It wasn't just 'a little note' but I don't want to give away the fact that Matt wrote a piece of poetry for me.
"Well, at least that's something but I still don't think that you need to be forgiving him. You've done that too many times,"
"I know," I say disappointedly.
Jon pulls into a plaza filled with stores and restaurants. I look at him, confused.
He raises his eyebrow and smiles, trying to seem mysterious, I guess. Matt is much better at being mysterious. He's just harder to read, I guess. I can read Jon much easier. I think I can read anyone much easier then I can Matt. I think anyone can read anyone easier. Matt's a tough fucking cookie.
Fuck! Why am I already thinking about him? No. I need to stop.
"Where are we going?"
Jon smiles and goes around to the other side, opening my door. He takes my hand and helps me out of the car.
"I'm not disabled," I joke. He blushes and rubs the back of his neck.
"I know. It's nice to be a gentleman, though. I thought girls liked that,"
We walk across the parking lot to where the storefronts are.
"We do,"
"Then how come.....assholes always get all the attention?"
I have a weird feeling.....about what he's talking about.
"You are a very sweet guy," I smile and nudge him on the shoulder.
"Then how come you're stuck up on Matt? All he does is mistreat you,"
"You don't know about how he treats me," I snap, in defense of Matt. "Sorry," I apologize quickly. "I just.....that's not all there is to him. He's very sweet sometimes. I thought you were supposed to be his friend. Defend him,"
"I still care about him. I just have to be honest with myself and others. He's not quick to let people in but with women, he doesn't let them in at all. He has a series of flings where he breaks everyone's heart,"
"I don't want to talk about this," I really don't. I don't want to hear about his 'flings'.
"Okay. I'm sorry. I won't mention it again," he holds open the door to a Mexican restaurant. We walk into the restaurant where a woman greets us.
"Two?" she asks.
"Yes," Jon replies.
She leads us to a window booth. I sit across from Jon.
"Anything to drink?" she pulls out a note pad and pen, ready to take our drink requests.
"I'll have a water," Jon tells her.
"Umm...Sprite," I add.
"Okay, I'll be right back," she smiles and walks away from the table.
Jon leans in.
"Skylar dumped me," he tells me in a hushed tone.
"What?" I ask in surprise.
"She says she kind of lost feelings but she still wants to be friends. Like what do I ever do but be nice? I've never cursed at her, stood her up, cheated on her, or done anything like that and yet I always get dumped,"
"It's not you. She just lost interest," I tell him.
Shit. That was rude.
"I mean, you're a sweet guy, Jon. Really."
"Then how come.....nevermind," he starts. "I kind of was starting to get interested in someone though. During the end of our relationship,"
"Who?" I perk up in interest. I love knowing people's secrets. People always have a weird sense of trust in me. Like, people tell me their secrets voluntarily.
"I can't," he says with a mischievous smile.
"Why not?"
"It's not realistic. I can't be with her. She's taken,"
"By?"
"I can't tell you,"
"Why not?" I pout. "Pleaseeeee?" I whine.
"No, I'm never telling you,"
"Never?" I ask in shock.
"Never."
I cross my arms. "You don't trust me?"
"It's not that, Novah,"
The waitress comes back, tray in hand, with our water and Sprite. She sets my drink in front of me and Jon's in front of him.
I take a sip of it and frown. This isn't Sprite. I look up at Jon and he smiles in realization. I slide my cup over to him taking my straw out of my cup. He slides his cup, taking his straw and I pop my straw into the cup.
"Jon, can I please know who it is? Please?"
"Why do you want to know?"
"I like knowing secrets. It makes me feel powerful,"
I instantly regret saying that. I sound like a psychotic bitch.
"No," he chuckles.
"Okay, can I get a hint?"
"Umm....fine. She's really pretty,"
I roll my eyes. "That doesn't count,"
He chuckles. "Novah, I'm never telling you so give it up,"
"Okayyy....fineee...." I groan and roll my eyes dramatically.
"You're such a drama queen,"
"Yeah, that's cause I'm...." I start to say but his phone starts ringing.
"Excuse me," he takes his phone out of his pocket and puts it up to his ear.
"Hello," he says into the phone. A few seconds pass.
His eyebrows furrow and he presses his lips together.
"¿Me estás amenazando por cuidarla?" he says quietly but in an angry tone. Fuck. Spanish. Now I don't know what or who he's talking about.
Wait.
Matt knows Spanish.
Ugh. They're probably talking about me.
"Bueno, tal vez si no estuvieras ocupado lastimando sus sentimientos, podrías estar aquí en lugar de mí."
He starts speaking faster and tenser.
He looks over at me nervously.
"No," he says before hanging up the phone. He puts it back in his pocket before sighing.
"Who was it?" I ask.
He clasps his hands together.
He doesn't say anything, confirmation that it was definitely Matt.
"So, what's your favorite color?" he asks.
"Orange," I say.
"Why?"
"Because everyone else hates the color. It needs some love too,"
"I don't hate Orange,"
I smile. "So, what's your favorite color,"
"Blue. It's clean, nice goes well with stuff, I guess,"
"I thought that was black,"
"Nah, black is kinda more Matt's speed,"
"It looks really good on him," I mumble before realizing it. "So, what do you want to do after college," I say quickly changing the subject.
"Either a doctor or a therapist or something like that,"
"Oh, cool. Why that?"
"It seems like one of my talents to take care of other people and plus I like it. So it sounds like a cool career option. What about you?"
"I want to be a lawyer. Probably like a defense attorney or something. I know it takes a long time and everything but I've always wanted to be a lawyer."
"Really? Didn't see you as that type,"
"What type did you see me as?"
"A vet or something,"
"Well, I act very different around Matt and that's when you primarily see me,"
"How?" he says and leans down taking a sip of his water.
"Matt makes me nervous and kind of self-conscious, probably because he's so attractive but also because he does this thing,"
"Yeah, I know what you mean. He's like seductive and charming. But he's really only like that with you. Kind of."
"With other girls, he doesn't really give a shit after the first night. I think he actually tries to impress you. It's funny,"
"I'm kind of argumentative and stubborn with other people. With Matt, though, there's no arguing. He's determined to get his way and control me,"
Fuck. I'm rambling about Matt. I quickly think of a way to stray from the topic of Matt.
"Okay, let's play a game,"
"Okay,"
"I point at a girl and you tell me what you think. Let's try and find you a date,"
"Okay,"
I point out a girl with completely pink hair and pale skin with thick eyeliner and a nose piercing.
He looks her over once.
"No. Too showy. It's like she's trying to get noticed,"
"Alright," I point out a petite brunette wearing a blue flower-patterned dress, sitting across from the pink-haired girl.
"She's cute. That dress is cute,"
"Okay, go ask for her number,"
"I can't just go up to a girl and ask her for her number,"
"Why not?"
"It's just weird. I don't know her,"
"So you've only ever asked out girls that you know,"
He turns pink and starts rubbing the back of his neck. "I mean.....yeah,"
"So have girls asked you out, before?"
"Yeah, but I like to get to know someone before going out with them," he tells me.
"I'll do it," I say and send up abruptly.
"Gimme your phone," I say and hold out my hand.
"Don't do this," he pleads.
"Jon," I warn. He takes his phone out of his pocket and unlocks it. "Don't do anything too crazy. Other than this whole thing."
I roll my eyes and walk up to the brunette girl. "Hi," I say with a smile. "My friend over there wants your number," I say to the brunette girl and point over at me and Jon's table. She looks nervously at the pink-haired girl.
The pink-haired girl laughs confidently. "Hi, I'm Gwyneth, that's, Ellie," she says and takes her hand. "Yes, you can have her number," she holds her hand out and I place Jon's phone in her hand. She quickly types and hands the phone back.
Gwyneth smiles at me.
"Thanks," I say with a smile.
I start walking away from the table, happy that I accomplished my goal. "She's hot," I hear Gwyneth say.
Yikes. Uncomfortable. I hope Gwyneth doesn't think I'm.......cause I'm heterosexual. Anyway, I got Jon someone's number, so I'm satisfied. I go back to my seat across from him in the booth and hand him the phone.
"There you go," I say arrogantly.
He laughs. "What's her name?"
"Ellie."
He types something on his phone and puts it down on the table. The waitress approaches our table.
"Ready to order?" she asks perkily.
Shit. I haven't even looked at the menu.
Jon and I look at each other, a little startled.
"Can we have a little more time?" I ask.
"Sure," the waitress says enthusiastically. She walks away from the table.
Jon exhales. "Phew. I didn't know what to do,"
I laugh and pick up the menu and look over it.
"So is Mexican food your favorite food?"
"Racist." he jokes.
"No, I meant, since you chose this restaurant," I say, embarrassed.
"I know, Novah," he laughs. "Um.....yeah. Probably my favorite food just cause that's what I grew up eating,"
"My favorite food is Macaroni and cheese,"
He laughs. "Really? Huh. Simple. I'll have to make that for you someday,"
"Okay," I laugh. Jon has slightly more of an accent than Matt. He's easy to talk to. I can hang with him.
"You're way simpler than I thought,"
I frown. He quickly justifies his words.
"I mean, I thought you were this like elusive person or something. Especially cause of.....who, you were interested in. You're cool, Novah,"
"Thanks," I say happily.
"So you're birthday?" he asks.
"Why?"
"I don't know," he shrugs.
"Guess," I start giggling uncontrollably. I love asking people to guess things about me.
"I don't know. I'm not good at guessing. February?"
"No!" I laugh.
"Okay......October?"
"No,"
"November?"
"No. You're just getting colder and colder,"
"You're sure its not November?"
"I think I know what my birthday is,"
"Matt's birthday is November sixth. Don't tell him I told you. He hates people knowing his birthday,"
"Why?"
"He just doesn't like people knowing personal things about himself. I don't know why."
"Now, I can get him a birthday gift,"
"Do not tell him I told you,"
"Okayyyyy......"
"So are you gonna tell me your birthday or not?" he asks.
"It's soon,"
"It's this month?" he asks.
"No,"
"September?"
"Yeah,"
"Mine too,"
"Ooooh," I squeal. "We're twins," I put my hand up and high-five his hand.
"Mine is the sixth of September,"
I laugh. "The same day as Matt. Wow."
"Yeah, we've been forced to have birthday parties on the same day many, many times,"
"That sounds funny,"
"Yeah. Matt liked them at first but then he started hating always having to spend our birthdays together every year. He's not one of those friend's that want to spend there every minute with you,"
"Yeah, he seems like that type of person," I say.
"Our parents are best friends. Our moms were close before they got married and then our dads were close as well. It was like a double date thing when they'd first met,"
I laugh. Wow. Matt's family is interesting.
"You never told me your birthday,"
"The seventeenth pf September,"
My phone starts buzzing in my pocket.
"Excuse me, I''m gonna go outside for a minute,"
He nods.
I stand up and make my way through the crowded restaurant, outside.
I take my phone out of my pocket and look at the caller ID.
Some unknown number. I answer and put the phone up to my ear.
"Hello?"
"Novah, where are you?" I hear Matt's raspy, deep voice on the other end.
"Matt?" I ask, confused.
"Yeah. Are you with Jon?" he asks.
Shit. How does he know? Maybe Jon told him.
He's probably mad.
"Matt, what do you want?"
"To know that you're okay,"
"I am," I say and wait for him to respond.
"Please, meet with me,"
"For what, Matt? For you to tell me lies and hold me and hug me just to break me again. No. No more."
"What are you saying?"
How do I tell him that we can't be together? Of course, I wanna work things out. But it's not healthy for anyone.
"I....I....."
"You want us to.....stop?"
"Stop what? What even were we?"
"We were us. That's all we had to be. And all we need to be is together,"
"No, Matt,"
"So, that's it?" he says. I think I hear voice slightly wavering but I don't know. It could just be my mind. He's always so nonchalant about things.
"I...."
I gulp and prepare to say it. "I think....I think so, Matt,"
I hang the phone up before he can talk me into anything else. I wipe under my eyes and take a deep breath before walking back into the restaurant.
The doctor said not to get worked up. I'm just gonna eat and have fun.
I walk through the busy restaurant towards our table. Jon looks over at me, brows knit together, his blue eyes shadowed over.
I sit down across from him and see a plate with the loaded nachos I ordered sitting in front of my spot.
I think about how its kind of fucked-up to be at a restaurant with Matt's best friend when we just basically broke up. I pick up a chip and stuff it in my mouth to make myself feel better.
Food always does that.
"Everything okay?" Jon asks.
I nod my head with a mouthful of these delicious chips.
I analyze the plate of chips, trying to distract myself. Corn tortilla chips covered in sharp cheddar cheese, sour cream, guacamole, beef, jalapenos, and a side of salsa.
Heaven.
Jon watches me nervously stuff food in my mouth, not having touched his. I smile to reassure him that I'm just fine.
I'm really not.
I'm the farthest from fine I've ever been.
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