Chapter fifty-seven
I open my eyes. It's cold. Really cold. I'm lying in a bed. Wait, what? Wasn't I on the stairs? I lift my head up and feel something attached to my face. I run my hand over it. It's over my mouth. Cupped over my mouth.
What?
I sit up and look at my arms and body. I have some sort of gown on.
It looks kind of like a...
Wait!
I turn my head from side to side frantically.
I'm in a hospital.
I'm in a hospital?!
I start to hear a beeping noise and a person rushes into the room.
"Stay calm, honey,"
She nudges me back down gently and the beeping comes slowly to a halt.
"Can't have you getting worked up,"
She's a young-looking lady. She has on blue scrubs and warm, concerned eyes. She has on light eyeshadow and a little blush. She has caramel-colored skin and wild, wavy, beautiful hair pulled back into a ponytail.
"What happened?" I ask. Last thing I remember I was crying on the stairs.
"Well, I think you had a panic attack. You weren't breathing very well so we put you on something that'll help you breathe, hence, what's on your face."
I nod.
"Well, I'm Dr, Nazim. I'm just going to ask you a few questions. If it's too much to handle, tell me. Okay?"
"Okay," I say.
"Have you had a panic attack before?"
"Yes, I think. I wasn't really diagnosed or anything."
"What were they like?" Dr. Nazim asks.
"Umm....heart palpitations, sweating, crying a lot. Umm.....I was really scared. Like, terrified. Like impending doom-type feelings."
"Okay," she starts writing one clipboard that she has on her lap. "And do you have any idea what could've triggered this attack?"
It all comes back to me. I suddenly remember....everything. What Matt had said to me. How he destroyed everything. My feelings, my heart, everything was crushed.
I start to tremble and my bottom lip starts to quiver. "Umm....." I try and tell Dr. Nazim what happened but I can barely say it out loud.
"It's okay. You don't have to tell me now," she smiles reassuringly.
"When am I going to be discharged?"
"Probably today. We just need to make sure that you're stable on your own."
Dr. Nazim walks out of the room.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Why didn't I just walk up to my damn room and get through the panic attack by myself like I always have? This is too much commotion because of me and I definitely do not want to tell my mom that I was in the hospital.
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Shit. 267Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcS35Z5HFuv
I am such a screw-up.
"Hey, you," Skylar walks in the room with a bouquet of roses and a wide smile.
"Hi," I try to seem normal and healthy so that everyone will stop worrying about me. I muster up a smile.
"How are you doing?"
"Great, actually," I lie.
She looks at me warily.
"I don't know what happened but I know something happened,"
She definitely knows who and what this involves.
She sits on the edge of the hospital bed and caresses my face.
"He's bad for you, baby. He's so fucking bad for you. You're gorgeous and smart. You can get yourself any other guy. Leave him alone," she says concernedly.
She looks worried. I need to stop involving everybody else in this.
"I love you and I want the best for you. He...he is garbage. You understand me?" she asks.
I nod my head.
"I.....It's over between us," I tell her. She smiles.
"I'm going to take you home and we are going to watch a movie and eat ice cream," she kisses my cheek. She rests the bouquet of roses and a card next to me and walks out of the room. I pick up the card and am about to open it but someone else walks into the room. I look up and see Jon with a baseball cap on backward and a huge bouquet of roses and a large teddy bear as well as a card. I notice his nose brace still there.
He smiles at me.
"Hi, Jon," I say and open my arms wide and he places the bear in my arms. I frown.
"I was going for a hug but okay," he laughs and removes the bear from my lap and leans down. I pull him into my arms and hug him. I release him.
"So why exactly are you....." he starts to ask.
"Apparently I had a panic attack so I had trouble breathing,"
His face clouds with worry and a hint of.....anger? His forehead creases.
"And what exactly caused that?" he asks in a dark voice.
"Umm....." I try not to think about what or who caused it. He sits down in the chair.
"Actually, spare me. I'm so disappointed. God damn it, this man has the fucking prettiest girlfriend ever and manages to fuck it up every single god damn day. I feel like beating the shit out of him."
"Don't," I say. I don't want to cause any problems between the two.
"Why? He needs a fucking wake up call. He put you in the hospital for fuck's sake, I mean what did he do this time?!" he starts to raise his voice a little bit. The doctor pokes her head in the door.
"Sir, keep your voice down, please."
"I'm sorry," Jon says. The doctor nods.
He turns to me and sighs.
"I'm sorry. Just....stay away from him, please. I don't want to have to kill him,"
Wow. I rarely see Jon mad. It's a little bit frightening.
"But I thought you two were close?"
"I don't know, man. I mean I care about him....a lot but he just gets on my last nerves. I care about the both of you and.....in all honesty.....he's toxic."
He kisses me on the cheek. "Stay healthy, Novah," he rests the roses on the bed next to Skylar's and walks out of the room.
I sigh and close my eyes. This is too much. I'm breaking up his friendship. Causing the people around me to worry. God.
I really, really can't be with Matt. It's too problematic. I open my eyes and there I see him. His green eyes staring right back at me. I jump up.
"Shhhh......" he tells me. He runs his hands through his hair. Jon walks back into the room.
"Matt you need to leave. You've done more than enough for the day,"
"How do you know what I've done? You don't know shit, Jon."
"I know that you're a horrible friend and boyfriend,"
Matt looks like he's about to hit Jon but he doesn't.
"I just need to talk to her for a few minutes,"
"There's nothing to be said except that you're fucking toxic and have anger issues,"
"Just go, Jon!" Matt shouts.
"Over my dead body," Jon walks over to the chair and sits down.
"If I talk to you for two minutes will you leave after that?" I ask Matt.
His face falls and he looks down at his feet. He starts to run his finger along his wrist.
"Yeah,"
I look over at Jon.
"Okay, Jon. After this, its done,"
Jon raises his eyebrows at me then walks out of the room.
"What do you want from me, Matt?"
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"I don't know,"
I shake my head.
"You....I......I thought......" I struggle to say anything but he quickly silences me with his lips on mine. They comfort me, soothe my worries. But no. I promised myself and my friends that I wouldn't do this. I pull away from his kiss.
"No. I have self-respect and we are so definitely over."
"Definitely? Then why'd you just kiss me back? You're forcing yourself to end things,"
Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why does he know me so well? My thoughts, feelings, opinions. Shit, this is impossible.
"No, Matt. We can't do this. We can never do this."
"Since when were you the pessimist?"
"I have always been a pessimist. It just seems that, when it comes to you, I always have hope."
"Then, where's the hope now?"267Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvIqNTkZ3Uc
"It died when you told me that there is no us,"
He shakes his head.
"No. No, it didn't. It hasn't. You're the only person that loves me,"
"No, I'm not. You're parents. Jon."
"No,"
"We can be friends," I suggest.
"No we fucking can't!" he shouts. His eyes flood with tears that fall down his cheeks. I think this is the first time I've fully seen him cry. "We can't just be friends. I love you too much!" 267Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoFUfNsvaOC
He throws a folded piece of paper on the bed and storms out of the room.
I rest my head in my hands. God. This is all so stressful. I can't do this. I'm not strong enough. I look around the bed and pick up the folded, crumpled piece of paper that Matt threw at me.
ns3.144.149.217da2
