Chapter twenty-seven
Matt
"Is this about sex? Is that what you want from me?" Novah says. I can't believe Novah just accused me of wanting to use her for sex. What does she think I am? I mean, not that I haven't done it before, to other women, but she's different. I thought she knew that.
"Of course not. I thought I made that clear from the beginning. Yeah, you're very attractive and turn me on like no other but I would never use you for sex." I say to Novah. As soon as I saw the look on Novah's face when she opened the door, I knew that Skylar's been shit talking about me. Skylar's an evil bitch. Her instigating ass. She always does this. And I know that she's gonna keep poisoning Novah against me.
"But you've done it to other women," she says matter-of-factly. See? Skylar's gonna find any and everything I've done wrong, and tell Novah. I honestly don't know why Jon likes her. She's annoying as fuck. And a fucking bitch.
"It was fucking Skylar, wasn't it? That bitch. I knew...."
"No Matt. It wasn't Skylar. You make your own decisions." she interrupts. Oh no. Does she not want anything to do with me now?
"What are we even doing here?," Fuck. There's more. I didn't know she thought this low of me. She thinks I'm a fucking monster. "I mean, you're a fucking womanizer, you don't want a relationship. What am I even doing talking to you?" I don't know how to register the feelings that I'm feeling so I just ignore them. Like I've done my whole life.
"Are you coming with me or not?" I ask.373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpDNbl9Z9j1
She stands there with her arms crossed. So stubborn. Never listens. That's one of the things I love about Novah. 373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7kY4YhM0iE
She's so goddamned difficult. 373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtlbhOAYdJ0
She doesn't listen to shit I say.373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ240VJNKDu8
I turn and walk away before I say something I'll regret. 373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVfNryjAR8X
I never know how to articulate my feelings so I just keep them at bay and put on a cold, distant face. Nobody's ever cared about my feelings so who's gonna care now?373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp6t5aE3u8B
No woman has ever hurt my feelings cause I, simply, don't give a shit. 373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡilkj1hdLXF
I open the door to the staircase and sit down on the first step to get my shit together before I go back to my usual self.373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOSWu4ojLDe
I've always had to hold it together for people. I'd rather not even feel feelings. 373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3HcE9Fci5e
But, the fact that Novah thinks I'm a womanizer. I mean, my feelings aren't hurt because that's a lie. I kind of am a womanizer. 373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP8VlQZpG7S
Not something to be proud of, but, then again, I don't give a shit what anyone thinks of me. I've never given a shit what anybody has thought of me, up until this point.373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSeTsFSqNyS
Novah has me acting all out of character. I tried to do something nice to show that there is something underneath my shell, but it backfired.373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUYmPyN0NK5
And now Novah thinks I'm a shit bag. Unintentionally, my eyes start to water up. Damn it! I haven't cried since I was fifteen. Since......the thing happened. 373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡShhQSf6loT
How can this woman make me cry after five years of keeping it all together? I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn around. Its Novah. God, she's beautiful. I don't think she knows how fucking gorgeous she is. I can barely control myself around her. I probably look stupid as hell., crying about something she said about me when it's true.
"Matt? What...why...how..." she stutters, probably wondering why the fuck this big baby is crying?373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqfcXM8Yb8r
"Matt, were you crying?" she asks and takes my hand into her warm hand. I want her so bad. But I've already heard what she thinks of me. She said it herself. What are we even doing here? I mean, it's obvious that she's out of my league. I can't let her see me like this.
"No. I was just about to leave." No, I was gonna sit on this step and cry. I turn around and try to make it out of there as fast as possible but she grabs my hand.
"No." she whispers. Fuck. She always looks so innocent and vulnerable. It does something to me. But no. She doesn't want me. I don't even want myself. Nobody has ever wanted me and I don't know why, for a bit, I thought that she might be different. That she might see me differently. I'm fucking trash. Why would she want me?
"Novah, I really just want to be left alone right now." I turn and walk away and outside, knowing that her feelings are hurt. 373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVMAF93ea9X
She's a sensitive person. And usually, I never gave a shit if a girl cried, but something about seeing her crying, that night we went the carnival, because of me. I felt like a shit bag. But then again, what's new? I've felt like a shit bag since I was fifteen. Even before then.373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx0qzK3jpJp
I get into my car and start it up. Back when I was a teenager, if I was feeling like shit or if I was angry or sad, I would drink or smoke. But since I had to quit, now If I'm feeling any type of way, I go to the gym and work out until I feel better. One time, I was really fucking furious, so I was at the gym, working out, for three hours. Hey, it's better than getting shit-faced at a bar. 373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNitrmElGTz
I don't think I can work this feeling off, though.
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