Chapter thirty-four
Come here now, I text him.
Is everything okay?
Yes, I need you to come here, I text him, Please, I add.
On my way, he replies. I look at the time on my phone. Six-fifteen am. I need to actually start doing my hair. I take my hair out of the bun and comb it all back into a low bun at the nape of my neck. I put gel on the fly-aways and edges to make it look better. That'll have to do for today. I go into the bathroom and put some mascara and lip gloss on in the mirror. I look so bland right now, wearing a grey oversized hoodie and my hair is in just a low bun. It's so plain. I decide to put some black eyeliner on. I put some black vans on. I look in the full-length mirror and decide that I look alright.
I'm coming up, Matt texts me.
Okay. When you get up here just stay in the hall. Skylar's still sleeping. I put my phone down on my bed then look in the full-length mirror again before walking out into the hall. I lean against the wall and wait for Matt to come. Within a few seconds I can see him walking down the hall towards me.
"Can't we talk in there?" he asks, gesturing towards the room door.
"No. Skylar is still sleeping." He rolls his eyes and I laugh.
"So, what's up?" He's standing about a foot away from me. I pull him against me and kiss his neck tenderly.
"I wanted to talk." he scans my face.
"Are you sure? Cause' right now you've already made me hard."
"Yes. I wanted to talk." His face contorts and his brows furrow.
"Should I be worried?" I can feel his erection against my stomach and it makes me ache for him.
"I don't know. I want you." I kiss him longingly.
"You want me, want me?"
"No. I want you. I want the Matt that you're hiding from me."
"Now, why would you want me? I'm fucked up, Novah."
"I don't care. Everybody is fucked up. And I think you're a beautiful person."
"How can you know that about me?" He clasps his hands around my waist. "No, I don't think you know how truly fucked up, I am." he looks at the wall above my head and I can tell that he's trying to escape from something. He looks distant and fearful. A little boy.
"Matt, look at me," he looks me in the eye and then quickly looks away. "I don't know how many people have told you this but I think that you're amazing."
"Novah, stop." he croaks. I kiss his lips delicately, trying to let him know that I care about him. He looks so traumatized right now. I just want to love him. I want to tell him I love him so badly but it wouldn't be logical. I've only just met him.
"Matt, why won't you let me care about you?" His eyes look watery and fearful and all of a sudden his piercings don't help him look tough. He just looks vulnerable and hurt.
"Because nobody cares about me, Novah. And I want to keep it that way," he unwraps his arms from around me and puts some distance in between us. "I don't fucking want you!" I feel my heart pull. I have to fight the tears back.
"No. Matt, you don't mean that."
"You mean nothing to me." his words burn like acid. He turns and speeds down the hall and down the staircase. I'm left standing there confused. And hurt. Why does he always have the need to hurt me? To spew venom at me for no reason. I just want to love him. To make him feel loved. I sink down on the floor in that hallway and just stare at the ground. I back up against the wall and bring my knees up to my chest. I bury my head in my arms and let out one wretched sob. All that keeps playing over and over in my head is Matt's words. 'I don't fucking want you!'
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