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下班回家，淋浴。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE5Rsn41NnC
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo6uSv2sKlc
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP7R1j7v4tR
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡumiBQpmR60
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb1DX5ZdCL3
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcFkzTC9934
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu807WQ76wo
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfJFCdaVzNZ
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuywWPsNQUI
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5b9fFZJsTt
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoZXLi2jScl
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAVko0n0F0R
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5I7zsClM5R
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡticzouMxs1
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4tGAmdo8kW
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnomJ0eIhei
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡos6EDRaigQ
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt8MBDUWzxD
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRDzgpcDJQR
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxARTJYEP8J
啪——啪——519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ07oJ2tEHAf
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAbypwesHxk
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGSUqqRGm0F
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl7HNwhcImX
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeqSJPeBoYP
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4hzToZw6nk
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡggZ5qq6130
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDDjkFOSsCN
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjpO9L06zkF
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi9xw67M6Qv
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkFbWyyeOoK
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkRtXA4OyXR
算了吧。沒所謂。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXtCdr0vPdw
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdBwJO0wbRn
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZzETfoOop5
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ61jr9pd1Gr
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvt1JhdWVYH
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMmPWjf8byh
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX9YaONhyO9
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ94LgRCNL0G
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0oNerY0uuE
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkool1PpKCP
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEo7V94GzEG
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGx3jObf0qf
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKb52e4c8DS
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHtrVI7r9Uw
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ26WmjzwgOA
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2c04a9qeuH
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcjygD340CJ
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUvsHSmHOQd
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ19hYzdFqMp
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfa1WlvMOtG
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe5JYYQGKU1
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ86FrxMBkpC
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVZGg4nTaB7
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgL0cvKnWZ5
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡff4ihCeLQv
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNN0MHotY2y
我頭也不回開門離家。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXVun1Z9YwG
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWp11vWZKXG
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL3t4OuOHjw
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡspFZKiDStV
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXj6yfyYsly
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA8Bhbfvn5Q
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAhXFZ3hint
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgydAZdtOf3
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4BiRa7tIrH
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGHA0qOH3CJ
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd0p5Gd1nyy
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpgnyiGCxGi
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ENyPqGcdZ
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWUK9G56S76
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAx1LGm6jJU
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ22iTNDMMs4
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBlPDkF1zTE
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTU0iefbfws
「你不開心？」519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTs2AwQT0XU
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeaImc4wMVF
「是的。但與你無關。」519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKKGm260M23
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmZyGB1TM7G
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLrGMDWzqbh
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT83pUHCygU
「還有菸嗎？」519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9chzhn9okb
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6p9AmPEldB
「有。」519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUETLoDXNSq
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKQDpO0wQgf
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYAAp8SyrGW
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0J4MPBvIr4
「俊仔還好嗎？」519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKLeBWbcgt1
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAr7LNwoo67
「與你無關。」519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡngj3HwXpsK
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4y8elTFQkq
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs5LrKca9S8
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX1LFPSIuOp
我幽幽一笑。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXVbGYDnlZI
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPpQ0LKF78h
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrYWSCNkgRc
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAR6ChHF5rE
「多少？我付！」519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTKxiXyZKqI
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWkea5uPwGf
「五萬七千五百元。」519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuAqDSqQfue
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJIrvaVm2D2
「好！沒問題！小意思！」519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4IQsssv3OV
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp4opljhbOa
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZyGcBPPTPY
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡruiJsS1TQC
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvgO9fbiAxw
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBeI1cNOkoj
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuBdsr605XY
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7uv8tEB9EY
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjq0oJmNLug
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkPwLwCMDpf
「阿顧，對不起。」519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmIXqPeY2VE
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl07f5d9Ubf
「道歉有屁用！」519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrPM36Nk2uo
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpv5O9YMg94
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVzGDSel30W
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxsqgixaA1u
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4jnrqkNCVh
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBCRw3JbBgk
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVYSO6GWFjG
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3KpmsorUT3
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPyXaju7xhK
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZD2P0ozR3e
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ788lj1yaR9
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC3GVdRJEPN
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtdpyIPgZDK
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2KGvMgbEgL
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTom4aBZdKA
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7KDdnr0qN6
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTpXqquLsmi
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBYumbhxYtG
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNT6URfvMjB
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXPaTHXBYCY
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCqJTnlGJ9W
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjvEpTolpBV
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXsZUwQEnm6
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUOSXVzKLYm
我活該……我活該……我活該……519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK5CZNNYDua
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlg0BPTJeXJ
我如此催眠自己。
