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下班回家，淋浴。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPSv4KS5e2I
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡip8rBBT49q
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5vRxoH5vhV
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsYZDMgwjRU
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi4rriUZkAo
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEYNVHjzSDx
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjUjIxJq2pE
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVCGhL9JLDd
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmVtOaAf564
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWM06nQPCYj
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzkbN3a4m9D
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjpmiSvMmNp
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYbQTNim9rk
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3iA3m7Mgz4
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIYNIWY7AAw
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg9a4ECoTkJ
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi3SR47Jmjz
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXoUsW9H5bJ
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvFSGwZJkze
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVFFEUqBQsP
啪——啪——517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvRQA0IY3m5
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOEml8daFot
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxtFZVfQCWU
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCOoJfr1nBF
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZutflX3Mnq
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKfyJgnb4Ll
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeuwWDOVzJv
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRivHYuGbTk
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2hr7q0ywTO
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVPmh7yphKB
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzfcKkau0vr
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYCvsrNQ0kG
算了吧。沒所謂。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBAUxBnsLsB
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkHIZgQIq2X
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5odaoAsfVu
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3bMuQESHEP
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJl7835Rn21
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtnyfJiUg1l
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEYrkR24vuO
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkRVGRa8fB3
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡibx6XWqIUh
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNNc0e2SQ7P
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡahaRqbV8H4
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfjr7oOF4pX
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjDOyN5XvFd
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcHMvkWd25s
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcvDAhe0NpA
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV4eEuJcNp5
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbYy4Ter8i9
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM3r7aQYCSY
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ07J1l7QB3j
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡngweGYYfBF
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpzJweXrIPt
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjH0gsRctS0
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBYNjfdX5vq
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz2iMHSCJB5
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzzfnfHVSLs
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFI1Ue6SaWk
我頭也不回開門離家。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5XGoisKw8g
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTAOcate2in
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7XbiKSkIq2
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhQddquYeoI
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4tXQIAHgNg
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU3U6eWlvTy
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ080E7yHeDu
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7bT5JwOpHc
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkZ0kcemOh3
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBeooiSSS5F
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu0dK6Ax4p3
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1mQ1bRSNYR
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq4BgCIOWZ5
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfD6dBtLAql
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtcQ8ONHhcP
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh8956xHIRk
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNCfo0FsIJb
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy7X5Y7fuqM
「你不開心？」517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSoZtr0QbMU
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXAGUFEjWir
「是的。但與你無關。」517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5aGkCnN2Ct
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ64rrnSLmQb
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡggbUJR8H1G
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7MgJCD8jNM
「還有菸嗎？」517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPNasOgxNmB
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBAgDjfxnO1
「有。」517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLtodl2a4nU
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbZEyBbSm5w
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3peKbOh3rt
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUsfAjM3lXA
「俊仔還好嗎？」517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqKzQHRhlaF
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYQik0lrkjs
「與你無關。」517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQACvR6cRcu
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCLPmwzAcjm
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlQlx04kG3b
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB2JGkrth15
我幽幽一笑。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeifaJLQXwn
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbWczIueD7H
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrLTIjRg9n2
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyn5k31IYFy
「多少？我付！」517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgs9eOPEAj4
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6a2mqhtkh1
「五萬七千五百元。」517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU1zoa3RsfJ
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡABnC5X8Kv5
「好！沒問題！小意思！」517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKfc7NlxbIX
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtJQUoybq9u
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO8XAACT05z
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtOKeN8ubWn
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4DIMc0mX8I
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt4edpKWLTm
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5M0FWYdkqt
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdQf4dPswRE
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJU1PH2f33k
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaQhaFTIEtf
「阿顧，對不起。」517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL5mW0ptvj4
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJjdbDjeCqs
「道歉有屁用！」517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIxsvBREUZj
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGgWBavscjJ
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhEfOuXfl6A
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRnW05gyUwc
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMbLk0OE248
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQr3olh78NY
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9sQK7F0STy
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuA1qAS0Vee
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2798c9kfBz
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIj4EG2uqTu
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDR7iPqjpsN
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMSVJi2LlhJ
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNlhtUG6t3Q
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcqxUTngojx
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM46X1I6x7G
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ29ztlBkyW
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJDyasL5Jhd
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7fNPJhzcNB
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4k6rWGQk0l
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYxYU0NiShP
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8UQ2wwhmcN
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOwt4jweewj
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ27WDUhtuK9
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlKHUXx8fNJ
我活該……我活該……我活該……517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMz3s5llpuF
517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡndqfbtASol
我如此催眠自己。
