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下班回家，淋浴。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn6r4EYvlS3
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKPOL9bfUvK
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtGkvy8TU4e
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNBccUck5I1
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3T8QbIQkue
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRhQQQkZj32
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5EnNbbO8lb
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzGPxo5VyVx
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzOYal10Z9n
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1AiQUbte3G
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY9O2TDtAG7
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIUIoW3Ltzg
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQyklrfatPc
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhUFTRankWR
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAjL1H8FISs
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMjENsk24eR
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIrZjnqBXLP
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJIxmSD69zt
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdEqXbQ747s
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE5qGOD8xTe
啪——啪——524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYaQHcBbks1
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQINaaSlKAG
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB6pkCTjzRD
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ70o8OZTi0i
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡun2z5lGeRk
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZyD2ANAHoW
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL8jcKLZuqG
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwEJ7z6wNkS
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtWSLlL4Axx
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTRGx0SxZeK
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp5wkdmJ0eh
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5xoL4Q2cYW
算了吧。沒所謂。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8TjdyVbNFh
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEGaTT37SAv
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8WUL5jr50X
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6RO9ePiC32
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf1WZRa8HrR
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuHHQb0BbuQ
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡViB8DpBEg2
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTGusGNB8Ii
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsa8hgCyq2o
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQvNyxdEz8i
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVo287GxvvE
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3EQRFytfXM
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFPp8FlsdjC
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq5ntO8JcOQ
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8rNkaOsUhq
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsHhTvyil8C
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6i9Kmq9p19
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6gah3efS3E
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlWBHhxS93I
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvUqVL0wLLQ
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYLVk5PHtCV
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVIhc39LisW
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYpGKrAFtzZ
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQeT7Fjzsxv
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDzKHYE8Asc
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIHI6QnG6AC
我頭也不回開門離家。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLLLuHz8HUj
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5woUzHfYMS
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc876oDaTmY
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcvrBqAhykH
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkbLIiVWa2H
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB7EEKeeO4Z
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXmzr9jRPBT
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi0tYd2JfT5
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjDfe4VhSAQ
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtZiJBjwjUr
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡglMSqzSCUu
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk8GjafHnsD
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ZtADPRNNw
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnFWZqR665L
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡivv5mD2nec
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPXI7rS8lsr
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzbuBydfx7I
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡug0TYL8qEK
「你不開心？」524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡujONJkCwdm
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGBrcQNJE3c
「是的。但與你無關。」524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7exO9k0gyL
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2s6TiBopfQ
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfAQsly7bdZ
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmoyItFJMg2
「還有菸嗎？」524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFBVj93Uf0v
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6faENoGtXH
「有。」524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKrr6EBgMUt
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhOZDMf5nDc
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjPVP8Q7iEl
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTXFy5OJUrh
「俊仔還好嗎？」524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK4E2RxoVYu
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL5uiBRrSX6
「與你無關。」524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXDV4audnIu
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYuRUJMQv4v
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcV7vtll9Hh
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ27iD4GvIOp
我幽幽一笑。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡghEQPA8VWG
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvFXuazZBzS
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNrJAyIgPke
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQoloc8uc7H
「多少？我付！」524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡamTQpDvU9w
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8gYbf7rS9W
「五萬七千五百元。」524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN8X6tLuR6Z
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLyq5qg54ZW
「好！沒問題！小意思！」524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiXuUIZDZk1
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXJk4ND9vfw
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkTPl9bIuZE
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBVInQfzqyV
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrA0sD5hOds
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr6qJRoqlJh
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRugUILx0TL
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpbs8ROUIzK
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ00btEzwBbo
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ew9p4zCKZ
「阿顧，對不起。」524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡagsxvBcIzs
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTLe4ochmJZ
「道歉有屁用！」524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyb1eMVqIlI
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfzCGlrCky1
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAUKNbi9MvU
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzsKGDe6zdZ
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv354SVyUxS
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEvoepGGWIu
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTcWJDCfb61
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgo67oYI1EX
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡArIVfR7qHY
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG5xePM8Dd8
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Jom6UA7Cv
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4qeyZAFI26
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdU0E0A0Ix1
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡciUVRkKyoo
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ47QgVmwnuB
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOj14yAd7xI
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEK7nlHSNAt
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdREZmy7KrS
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzBo7Rgr7hO
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuEHdVbiNNQ
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVvCTTe9RvD
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIOOtEgjD3I
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtxj7Q421pE
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1SSUsj4KER
我活該……我活該……我活該……524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWE1aKqIYlB
524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSTVawwFjhm
我如此催眠自己。
