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下班回家，淋浴。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIKxDgSSGuh
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNovZjSPGhx
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOFBD7BPm6x
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsUfsYjFWjQ
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTSQ5tGpWOF
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQtXRG67kR1
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3a1M5ifsf0
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEDhL05r9Rs
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAIL4oH9XH5
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxAY46vg2ol
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡullYd4Hgtw
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡznp775rBo2
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡURHraOteOQ
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYt3qN6GEHG
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9mLWj16YiV
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq3UzmTeE87
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi1nNSz7PpA
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6IZuWTniKH
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwIykhFhewZ
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMGMNaBL8PJ
啪——啪——553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ZXPJ6o0mM
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgJY6ptDZiZ
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAkzjT5wZg9
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkdZxMcZ32w
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbHQIifbbpX
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ4G7uVpweJ
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡArQaBaY5dO
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEdmr9x9pqt
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIatwtqBOwL
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ35vXvngfti
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAoXATMrV93
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3qqIHC3Zi2
算了吧。沒所謂。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVWxgwBuUVN
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx1cmv6GNUk
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Dpb59LsMY
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPBPJlJSq7b
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOiFdfpF7fx
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXnVk6xIfh6
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzyFSN6ITM7
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP7Me9HjXeV
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡowRXr5kzQQ
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2huFMbyfqB
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGp46xc6mtA
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFztRD2Ptup
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq5LaDRmvi5
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdV5QEjsl8K
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZmdOxslEPV
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmlHgKOexPt
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFynDk1zFKj
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZGHjkzljGu
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNJediAePWr
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGTGESD04LR
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpCjDv6mR3k
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdOFAogMdGz
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoDnlIb4iey
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS630xVD9Ht
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡANWZLhipF2
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCGJ5g2f8du
我頭也不回開門離家。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡymaNKP9Vfk
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡevbpLNW4xy
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdmwnkWScTJ
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhI7Xq2uRyU
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqS7XL2mNBV
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHNLp8o569w
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBTcD0Ogsed
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgGDSOYhjWG
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRJ3BAhgsz6
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv0hSEv97Xv
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaScaweTABm
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3sMpqH7k5q
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡclHJtih99l
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiTOMSRAq2E
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfNEzNvzOY3
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi3bVo4qoHW
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa8d7unGsFC
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOXetdnrC4q
「你不開心？」553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLcfeDfyEUg
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3uIonXu95b
「是的。但與你無關。」553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5HfkMB4QCj
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYLCzs7Nq4L
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSZRV0n557C
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYZruf9kSh4
「還有菸嗎？」553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXgRIEyMSS9
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgmSezFQ4Wa
「有。」553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIAV3LAp4sy
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAVZy37s868
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD1rnGI2qZz
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYyzQ9dK0cT
「俊仔還好嗎？」553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw0g17ZbIP4
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU1tHRKNHgj
「與你無關。」553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZFSfeTayFc
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7B6VexMD1I
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ52sUIxcxbf
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFJ1ChbcMLY
我幽幽一笑。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC9KPKkPODv
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZalp3jlL96
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQxP3LWmUuw
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOzRldEJloT
「多少？我付！」553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyevmy5XReV
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtWhZvMZXRl
「五萬七千五百元。」553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQIcoFjEGgA
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgbpcE27ZE6
「好！沒問題！小意思！」553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXHWNd9fS5I
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡipVU9GnJSy
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2soOBS1el4
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgtOOoJ7K3H
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdkOhqJ8LP1
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbGfkbIm37J
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ojVehLOaM
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMM0YOXU7C4
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1KBIjpD72s
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdce9PcgBCc
「阿顧，對不起。」553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOiMN0P0TtV
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYV3rAoFrWd
「道歉有屁用！」553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgQnga2my4n
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2NmGUeAaBD
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPBS4x2OAmj
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdiQX622GAi
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcdrS6fdNh1
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6TZbMe3xK5
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdMGaCgXxpr
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡafyHYS3dFo
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Ot5E5zXF2
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpLL5TKZ9YA
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ79Od3UpW3l
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbebNJdwhgP
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaSHiEMg8Xq
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUhwthYAAbz
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwbfHnR2xxn
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3kO4XsmZGb
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYeDJwoGAhE
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzfAB9wCXrN
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ZuV1s1BCL
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3exAb9161n
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7KUiTZTxvI
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ837jrHdiD
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK1pYoZqmyS
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT6ZyquMfYf
我活該……我活該……我活該……553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTjtbTyqHGd
553Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdUSjATcLfX
我如此催眠自己。
