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下班回家，淋浴。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHCDNYGuf06
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGHNmhOodUS
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2QRHAvIbbV
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOqs7eLWNw8
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYmYinXA7h7
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiy9fUwZt8X
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMN0YXaXV8j
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnpKFH1pf9w
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXI1IlVaZGo
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFgGJwjp0xP
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMk1KE1diU4
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRtBGfdMfxV
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD5goodWqrT
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQGIYpDin1T
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdAWDFWtnQM
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXSnum15IKH
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTX6N0AYyXH
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnK9YcCl3mK
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡErIDN6cAgp
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2mg002sEix
啪——啪——613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Mq2haQaFo
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRLyhiiuv6R
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxLB76BjNlE
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyKC3vYIfDy
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxxq7JbMFOd
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmvtY9pOSQi
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYYVXROlYWA
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXJE9jAzgVs
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ99moHIhNqb
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK2FC58wvYe
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWD6RuPwry7
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlP17W8V1y4
算了吧。沒所謂。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoC5BPlaVhm
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR03VpPlWNh
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ScgeyXfMk
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzhrd9OknXM
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyvIxZtIUwH
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvrTPnYHh0B
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfu5V1MWQJw
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfrXSowxLjz
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDrTmO1pm5A
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2XiKNCjyaV
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMBauH87hGi
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡue89Vpd91g
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA8ItcRNOTR
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiyjev0mjGG
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFUJOCiMN0y
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBKrHWj7oW7
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdALR7c6E9N
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHPRmEIUEyT
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡplve8KcuEr
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvfuXlUExnj
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGkDXATc0yj
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM93eIxKt6I
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ74hGjfrsdu
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXiS4PoPTG8
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGKlU8QCyXG
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡynOwvdFowF
我頭也不回開門離家。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQURhOVO7OT
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIS1JeMvL2y
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6OVMbLYUY3
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf1KpWfYJbC
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMCXWonxrMZ
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Byjdmmi9h
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2MkyUWopZI
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvIEzQC9CxV
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO5NhjgFh9F
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Rw7y7dDN3
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMDqBUoOiuL
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2OyW0FAhPl
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP0oOytaUxN
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTKfEtjMrhq
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCwu3lkbZqB
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA0IPNysfnr
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqCl4PsqV3i
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiUfj67VhDJ
「你不開心？」613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoYePYl7gcg
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBialhkbxj5
「是的。但與你無關。」613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQLsJniNnMN
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3t1m8uaZQo
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxLJRll1K5C
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsaiE529Usw
「還有菸嗎？」613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBv63zoyk0o
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo2SJaVQsaw
「有。」613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡInG5XBIXK8
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKObQVnRsC0
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlBCjgBZirJ
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE8b8V7V0GR
「俊仔還好嗎？」613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjQoA2WKKYV
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfA4ALOCGNq
「與你無關。」613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGGvildsVzk
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf5xamHhxyt
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡarnpj0TUWA
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsUFzXKEcvg
我幽幽一笑。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBNa4na5APQ
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjOygtoZkL4
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUistRda0pH
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlAJfRzbPza
「多少？我付！」613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPIYGwR8hhq
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuFoEJ4u5Hw
「五萬七千五百元。」613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjOXSLUfvQ1
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMMMJhFyoPd
「好！沒問題！小意思！」613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Wple9FChc
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAhGKoZ6Z8j
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2g4ygbwuSl
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBWMO2sEwQA
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoatR2Gwgaw
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ830jjXD02
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0tV2QCoyY1
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwecRiD6cfd
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOKYzhvr6MA
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw3GfBnUmhY
「阿顧，對不起。」613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5AQGxxVIVJ
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡylteTlIx3Z
「道歉有屁用！」613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCpT6aUkqfR
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL3HDcxnYbJ
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMZKxKWqCHS
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZcyCB7MQFt
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI72nHLv2Dp
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3bEFnvwFeN
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0OX21ls68u
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi0REtZvGwT
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsKiWG16gNo
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZkRI3gtobQ
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK8YOA8stPQ
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCgV7BPvowL
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlrWakO3WGn
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm9zcLijUAY
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeCiJMR4qmj
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ45g8wtkaYd
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQPS0ea1Rq7
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdAEgAoCdiL
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOll0V2JOdL
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ68OfMLicpq
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnBGVMJs3uA
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRuAEIiCTzB
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMquwu2HGOo
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDJEANLHcUd
我活該……我活該……我活該……613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq30w799ZnL
613Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOJzc08ie9x
我如此催眠自己。
