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下班回家，淋浴。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCHz5dVOKeR
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqmwZCTq1Qr
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZV9GxnOXTZ
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡayMWmyNgox
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmFO6TkksPo
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJXJv1BhMbX
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8kmR1CB24E
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuWjmiPThgt
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhT9Uw7kSw9
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLcyxQUaldw
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVWKOylFGgQ
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTJhQjx0BVZ
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkuMlnfVTRU
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGeBXg36UZ6
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFxfrbXMTMl
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4yVDYc7xuO
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOV97Zu0odz
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS6SQfgZAKq
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBAf9EtXFzk
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFSSzTc2esJ
啪——啪——631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdNdDrNi5I0
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4wutjjVQM7
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKb3EBZrZZf
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfhfJKwTS38
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwChEhFnzP4
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡut7jnhoUNQ
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC1xx25NVDi
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9O1toZVEWy
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPDNF5CJS5X
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkSUv0WGYxn
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo38FbuoO30
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxmYn4YwbMc
算了吧。沒所謂。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSU317W1Fuy
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡndMf3gtcfb
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ITHB8HNNA
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfCBPmjWnew
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeYZVGSCYzc
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPuqISMCpPs
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnwsuT6RjsE
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI4IFGHtxeE
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNJ8dnV1Uor
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkd0DCll1DJ
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFN6z5PbGVQ
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9GmZomIYNo
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpiIKtWxHRq
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpZV6dBx6g7
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKV3PS5Nd8h
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBwEpTFf4Iv
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡREZ3jsHVHb
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl7QEhIIL3A
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Ojijp2nSq
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwbVlkR6nXI
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBXHphbA71Z
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ91oJHIl2d9
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRsqEp11wxz
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡESoo4rD6fg
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTWzutS9peh
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡganabRYbbb
我頭也不回開門離家。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4fGd0ADnWB
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk29Mkez1b2
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnL84sADmut
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8bHCdul6rV
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5PVXH0ULKI
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNzfcdWZjul
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdIsxrjXVrD
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDxP2RFdmD3
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡucakzZ9jH8
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXA0neCP2Ur
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU47FuFS9d6
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdEU1VXdHPr
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGYm2DIqdHy
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeS9J7umQMP
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡguIfrx8kvG
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqKPEaIMN8Q
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCsNSP4pDwD
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnzV1zgCEaT
「你不開心？」631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkuPsp9VtMx
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1BW7h20tnh
「是的。但與你無關。」631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhOwVJegyFT
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmNKM9WZBlN
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWdulrNcs8Z
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡStIhFXQ0tJ
「還有菸嗎？」631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCIhZtUUOXO
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZWdHzxomHg
「有。」631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzJXSikDia4
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwE0o8dgdjG
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnOz2cWImqy
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFQHEL6s3eR
「俊仔還好嗎？」631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBtvPK6W4KX
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT19w446KPF
「與你無關。」631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMOsOEqdq4n
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbuLYQk0NWK
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc4CsdJFvI8
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9OFmgtmbD7
我幽幽一笑。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlC2qIxVOnh
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEKCYJyy8Ii
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtzPG3KnfMT
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9POPYp9cH9
「多少？我付！」631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkO87kx5wT1
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkWYvoyFjEd
「五萬七千五百元。」631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6GI8IvSpYn
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZboxbSBMNf
「好！沒問題！小意思！」631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsiVRDro07v
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzrvU3RXBcB
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9UvKYAbyRP
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ134SfU4B2G
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ61GDwOeUvh
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwDsrzLnbIH
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVTgo3NsxtD
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy30KpiGhGu
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfe0u6hYNHR
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmosLMaIwiX
「阿顧，對不起。」631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfmIh7UlOfR
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAvQUbLqegA
「道歉有屁用！」631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeT9fgqzoqI
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWv2ckxqJmM
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOjGj7sUf90
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAZqhwmzq1g
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPiGhbMz8wo
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCuHYhhHFJi
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfXaRXk7RCM
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6PIRKjOqxk
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHFz3hflooa
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpTmihUUHcT
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxktes700MG
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjif5v2irfa
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcgkwLgKe0j
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpFZtYOopmz
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQAA7DcBzEQ
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL8QfIS81d7
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn2VGeWylCp
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡabGt1Ny6w8
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQpTn5Swplj
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6kmdbsLhw3
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmTVimGHerj
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsZn0dlTRVH
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEd02Sf4n3S
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9FYjYY9wU5
我活該……我活該……我活該……631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY8gNMvOx8U
631Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXpU1lWZLVw
我如此催眠自己。
