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下班回家，淋浴。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Q0bmDFOlY
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaH925BzLrv
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2PXMOBxFJW
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiJO8zGn2eg
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAiiMrTdxmh
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHhKLpteXrG
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw6pl21Jhb5
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡigAp7DhkQl
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRa5Kxza3K1
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡghvovX1e90
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWnhiluov8F
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvrTUSO329W
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0mZHGQUqZG
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqu9Cljw6Sv
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4bJ0l9E6HD
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTMXYrfBAfw
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUHpi1VD3QU
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡilqTkrg1Em
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ141Yhjh4xx
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM9uzA0Cmir
啪——啪——520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXny2LtW18K
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfz6mzm06C7
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡamdVRmWlDY
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxdjVBelFjX
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw0ei5G547O
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxGes97fXfZ
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpH0UTyhe0V
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFwHABBtd3Q
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaFAC5aq31D
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuQ7LQkBPBz
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpHZceSIY93
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ85TCdaNgU0
算了吧。沒所謂。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA1SyLvYASn
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpTf6022isC
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeqUFtLq1nT
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFeW7RWpikQ
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUGDICl6GbK
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB0veHVyyKn
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3xYqaf7gUn
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpnSCStYnSU
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ28RpQPUEK1
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh1PV5inute
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaE1I3HRkzN
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXSFTXsHIwE
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFrwzJ1YvOG
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7sxwQIFn7Y
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1pgQO4N0AZ
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0BBiCJ6o0m
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLkLMrA4l9g
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUNRngm4Zrl
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOu8ZC1cDgH
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡltgz6CK3Tg
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡywUNcecmWC
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXTaa6bJBdh
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfLgi3bgLBA
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ55kYJZ3jRg
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjC2rqjCKUe
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWtL6LPMXPg
我頭也不回開門離家。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBsx9nKkaqu
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3xKuPWtCXL
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfsiqTRIXIB
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUqd158I5b4
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡySeMDgUvBd
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡACOXhPnYLI
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHXACcUopcU
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOWZOCP16UP
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM9JNyuQW9t
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡce89tccBWw
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFZIw1Fm67l
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo7XJeB7Rdw
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3R6d2i6I6R
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTh4wEch9KW
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXVo9xSz6Aw
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx3SvmIXG37
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeAZNBXqnR2
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2r5T002QiK
「你不開心？」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUGmBcFiYSP
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpUVbLa7Wrs
「是的。但與你無關。」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtYcrxeBgH1
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡblVJWGSQii
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI8LHwa1Gsv
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEI9WRlwTMQ
「還有菸嗎？」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwrwm9JV2bo
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBPKYnxc961
「有。」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpEDtSiePU9
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4LhFuFhZxg
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCc2JdnjcAM
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLAYPTwb5ac
「俊仔還好嗎？」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6TklDWDcTm
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu6iA8kfV5O
「與你無關。」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4B8EcaNlL6
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvKMWI4qNBN
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZWnA95EPbz
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUU7H5dHRLe
我幽幽一笑。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcy0lDw9UOu
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpVOAQz3azn
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaXsnRgXCQE
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4upFEeu1zT
「多少？我付！」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAYt4KbNXXC
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwBTAKCvKj4
「五萬七千五百元。」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7dGfXr7DLa
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI4Ass57K2e
「好！沒問題！小意思！」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhwypq1ghwA
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcp063lceuF
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzdSMeSw8el
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgqxnhNF6UA
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡroDMykU7k0
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHmNFtvRIQX
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdiMtAWnpl4
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHS6SCp92vn
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS3vflzSf9X
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNfea2vRqa8
「阿顧，對不起。」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWIaerLJYUI
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuDeIshTq1p
「道歉有屁用！」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuHHGGlI4q9
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuNca4CU58C
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcbh4URDQMH
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjJ5zT76OFz
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrXio20QnIc
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEycfbgWRhY
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLJchqk8Sp2
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ45fMTn4W6w
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiucNf1IFtt
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5fNK8YuIqO
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ964PjC1ted
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAcotclgoJl
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK3lYiTOkve
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgrhPQxkMlV
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡligZJ5Q0MH
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9pFIGdvv8f
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡitGXuZHxuf
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGf5umsGBCb
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLr1Vpr0met
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPn8p29mIU4
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAJWGkJZ4bg
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTqJojY4vAr
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjEThS54Z3Z
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkPSUm3ctbO
我活該……我活該……我活該……520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoFnm1IR9Vo
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqQfO4203WD
我如此催眠自己。
