Taylor's POV
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As I gaze into the mirror I cannot help but to turn to the side just to see if I can notice any differences or anything at all physical that shows I am pregnant. The bathroom in the lodge has a large double vanity sink and as I turn inspecting my figure in it I tell myself that I am pregnant over and over again.
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I am.
I am pregnant. I tell myself over and over. For a good ten minutes with the tap running.
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I place my hand over my tummy. Close my eyes and breathe. I'm elated, beyond belief. I just need to believe that this one will be fine. I speak to my little bump in my head. Words of reassurance and love.
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Opening my eyes I glance into the mirror and decide to reply to Matthew. I pull my phone from the side and open up his message. I begin typing sitting on the closed toilet seat. The two still running as I stare ahead at my phone. The idea of London seems so distant now to me, the idea of bringing Jays baby to term has altered my perspective and changed all of my priorities.
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Matthew,
I know you want this, there would have been a time when I would have seized every single chance I could to do this with you. To hold your hand and leave with you.
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I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry I wasn't honourable and good to you during the fallout of our relationship. I understand now that I ran from you and left you to just deal on your own.
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That was not fair.
I should have loved you more.
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I know that you deserve more than that. More than me. So please seize this opportunity without me.
Taylor
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No kisses. Send.
I think that's fair. I place my phone back into Jays hoody that I'm wearing and head out of the bathroom, cross the hall and enter our bedroom.
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When Jay makes love to me tonight it's all together a new experience. He remains on top looking into my eyes. He's hyper aware of the pregnancy and he makes a point of kissing my tummy afterwards.
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With him as my big spoon, and his hands firmly around my waist I drift off to sleep. After all, hiking a mountain pregnant is an exhausting experience. I remember the tiredness of early pregnancy and it all falls over me as I succumb to sleep in his arms. The lodge shielding us from the snow and the wildlife outside.
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***
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"Taylor the baby it's" Jays voice is saying to me. Urgent tone of voice, commanding me to take this seriously. He never does that it must be something, I look down.
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There's my bump and I sigh a large breath of relief. Perfect little bump. I keep it safe at all costs.
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I glance up at his expression, worry over shadowing his eyes. What is the problem ?
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"Are you okay" he demands. Am I okay? He's worrying me.
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"Do you feel anything? Are you okay ?" He repeats.
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I begin to cry, feeling a swirl of anticipation come over me. I feel hot, nervous.
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"I feel fine" I say.
"I..." I begin stuttering feeling a jolt near my tummy.
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I glance down in shock expecting it to just be the little baby moving and I notice stains all over my clothes.
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I feel a pain, sharp and searing.
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I connect all of the dots in my confused brain and realise I am not okay, bump is not okay and when I look up Jay is packing lots of things. Except where are we ?
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Not the lodge, not the lake house or even the new house. I push the thought away defiantly and attempt to make sense of what is happening.
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"We need to go now" Jay says bending down in front of me. I glance down at his hands and see a watch, but he doesn't wear one usually.
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I check out his eyes for a second, usually full blue eyes of hope now replaced with worry and sadness. And an erratic sense of panic. Except the usual blue that I have come to expect when looking at him isn't there at all, his eyes are green. Forest green, almost brown.
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I blink expecting to find his familiar face and blue eyes looking back at me only when I open my eyes the first thing I notice is the brown curls and the green eyes looking back into my own.
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"Matthew" I sigh and I am pulled from the scene.
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***
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It is still dark. I take a mental note of everything in the room that I recognise. The dresser, the log fire and the small window drawn with dark curtains. I am at the lodge. The sash windows and the snow collecting outdoors makes me sure. Breathing heavily I glance down at the hands around me and recognise them to be Jays straight away. I snuggle into him breathing in and out. Calming myself.
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I feel him pull me in and I turn to face him.
"I need to pee" I say surprised by how urgent that need is.
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He chuckles and I savour the sound of him. His low raspy voice. I flee to the bathroom but I make it just in time. Having flushed and freshened up I collect my phone from the hoody and realise that Matthew has messaged me back. Considering my nightmares I decide how much I want to sleep tonight without worrying about him. That nightmare was lucid and felt real and I’m sure if I ignore him now that I’ll have another.
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I sigh and open it up.
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Taylor, my future is about seizing these opportunities with you.
Those things are intertwined for me.
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Your love was perfect, it is everything that I could ever want and desire.
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Matthew
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I close the message and wash up again. Deciding that I need to make it up to him, I need to make it right between us before he does leave. I stumble back over to the bed and crawl in next to Jay.
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Can we talk when I’m back? T
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I send off the message intending to fix things with him, to clear my plate of the guilt. To make things right again. I hide my phone in the hoody before hazily stepping out into the darkness.
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The large bed comforts me when I slip back into the warm duvet next to Jay. He shifts closer to me and I welcome his warmth and comfort. With his arms securely around me I drift into a dreamless sleep.
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