Talking is always easier when you go for a walk whilst you’re having difficult conversations. Having this particular conversation with my best friend, though if I'm honest Ross has always meant much more to me than any friend ever has done, is tough. I look up at him and pull my cardigan around me. The night isn't cold, but I'm in my pjs.
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"I probs shouldn't have come out with that one huh?" He says and his blonde hair falls back.
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I watch him, wondering what he thinks I'm going to say. And there is just no way of saying any of this that will work out with him being happy.
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"You went full on savage on Jay" I laugh.
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"Yeah well, it bit me in the ass anyways" he sighs.
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"Ross" I begin and he takes charge turning me to face him.
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"Taylor" he says softly and he sweeps my hair back.
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"I can't face you and say this" I say wiping my eyes and practically blubbering. He catches my tears in his hands.
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"Honestly, it's okay" he reassures me.
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"Don't say it then" he says.
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"But I need too, if anything tonight has made that clear" I say softly.
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"This is all my fault right? So you don't have to pick up the pieces. You don't have to do anything." He says and he strokes my arm.
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"I shouldn't have instigated any fight with Jay, I could have kept it between us. And then we could have been standing here gazing at each other rather than sobbing" he says wiping my eyes.
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"You lost it because this situation is unfair. You lost it and fought him for a real reason. Please do not blame yourself. This is on me, and me only." I say softly crying.
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"But" he begins.
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"No" I say as he tries to protest.
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"I care for you greatly, I love you even. But you have to know that I am marrying Jay because we are supposed to be together." I say softly.
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He sobs and this is the bit I feared the worst. He sobs and I cannot fold and give up. I cannot backtrack.
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"But I love you" he says and it's totally innocent. I can sense his belief and assurance in those feelings and in his ability to make me his own. That I might walk up the aisle to him wearing my wedding dress, him waiting at the end with a ring to place upon my fingers.
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"I love you" he says again his thumbs pushing the tears away and off my face.
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"And you said it as well Taylor" he says looking at me pleading.
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"I did say it and I meant it. Would you rather I had never said it?" I ask him.
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"No" he says stroking my face.
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"It made my whole world complete" he says.
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"I swear to God Taylor I literally had visions of it" he says.
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"I dreamt of kissing your belly in bed, pregnant with my child. I dreamt of kissing your forehead at night while you slept. I dreamt it all up, and now I only have the dreams left" he says.
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I sob wiping tears away, but this isn't my heartbreak, it's his. And I'm selfishly crying tears all over his shoulder as if I'm the one who's in pain. The pain comes with the fact that this could have been avoided. I could have changed this outcome, I could have stopped him from hurting. I let it all happen; collecting his kisses, his Ross hugs and his endless words of love and I held onto them with no intention of keeping him.
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"There's nothing I can say here" I tell him softly.
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"Tell me that it doesn't have to be the end" he says softly.
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"Ross" I say softly.
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"I wish I could magic up a way of this not hurting. An option where I could keep you forever and not hurt you" I say and I stroke his face.
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"Or a way to help you to forget me forever" I say.
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"I'll never forget us" he says and I stroke his hair back.
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"I won't forget us. But that ring" I say meaning the one he proposed to me with.
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"Deserves to be on a women's finger. A girl who is funny and smart just like you. And I'm sure, absolutely beyond measure, that you will find her. If you stop persuing me" I say softly.
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"And I am devastated that I am not that woman, that I can't be your wife. But I love you enough to realise that you need clarity, and that you deserve it. So this is me giving you that" I say to him.
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"So please because I love you, because you will always be Ross that gives me huge hugs. Ross that reads books to me when I'm tired. Ross that sorts out everybody else's problems. Because you will always be in my heart forever. Please choose yourself, it will make me happy" I say and I cry.
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"I will always choose you" he whispers hugging me.
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We stand there hugging for a brief time until the sobbing stops. And finally I can see clearly, rather than through my tears.
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"I love you" he whispers as I pull away from him. He's in shock. He's also in denial. Have I been clear enough?
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"Can we just stay as we are?" He asks softly holding me at arms length.
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"What are we right now?" I say softly.
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He looks at me and evaluates.
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"Taylor, you're the love of my life. You're the person that makes everything better, the woman that I can't stand to be without. Right now you're the woman I want to kiss, marry and leave everything behind with" he says.
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"We can do that. We can just get married and go live our lives. I can provide for you. I can promise you utter devotion and loyalty. I can look after you, both, for the rest of our lives" he says softly.
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My heart drops, especially at how he delineated to the pregnancy. I cry again.
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"Please" he says. He gets back down on one knee.
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"I love you, Taylor." He says looking up at me.
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I believe him, he does love me. And he is determined not to go down without a fight. Clutching onto the opportunity that is doomed.
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"I love you" I tell him.
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"Then that’s enough" he says.
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His hands go around my hips. Finality, clarity I say to myself. Give him a definitive answer.
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“I can’t marry you Ross” I say and it breaks my heart as I say it. But I clutch onto my waist, his hands still on my back. He remains on his knees gazing up at me.
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“Why not” he smiles.
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“I cannot, Ross” I say and he holds onto me tighter.
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“That’s not an answer” he smiles.
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He stands, wipes my face with his fingertips, his face close to mine. Eyes completely locked on my own, his thumb grazes my lips.
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“The more I tell you, about how much I want you. The more you wonder about it. Dream it up with me and still tell me no” he says and he’s becoming poetic.
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“I dare you to think about waking up together, kissing each other every morning. Me having your back in every situation, like you know that I can. Me holding onto you for the rest of your life, and never ever choosing anything but you” he says softly.
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“I beg you Taylor not to make a rash decision now. Just because I caused a scene earlier and you feel like you need to make things right” he says.
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“I’m not though” I say softly and I kiss him just one more time. I pause and wipe my eyes.
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“I choose him.” I say and finally I see the regret in his eyes. Like I’ve just dashed cold water all over him.
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“I’m sorry I love you but I choose him” I say.
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He kisses me softly.
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“Why” he whispers as he kisses me again.
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“I don’t like putting you through this” I say stopping with all of the kissing.
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“So I won’t anymore” I say resolutely.
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“I won’t be your wife Ross” I say.
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“But I will always love you” I whisper. His forehead rests on my own. And I can feel his tears on my cheek. I hold onto him as he cries. I rub his back and shhh him. I’m both the cause of the pain and the resolution to it.
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“But I will never love another” he says through his sobs.
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“You will” I say softly. I rest his head in between my shoulder and neck. Holding onto him as he cries and I feel more and more awful. More and more regret. And boundless endless love for him as a person. I feel like hitting myself or shouting out that I love him and why can’t it be easy, why can’t I make this work?
My love for Jay is truly different to my love for Ross. With Jay I’m his entirely and without him, my life doesn’t even exist anymore. I can be with just Jay, without anybody else. I can’t be without Jay, ever. Even if I had Ross.
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I see Matty approach and thank my lucky stars that he’s here. One look at him and I know that he can see the pain in my eyes. He asks me if I’m okay, and it sends me into tears. Ross clutching onto me, we slowly unwrap ourselves from one another and I wipe my eyes.
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“Man it’s okay” Matty says to Ross and he gives him a guy hug. Which makes me melt and I sob all over again.
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Ross stands and breathes out a huge breath he was holding onto. I mouth a thank you to Matty, and it’s beginning to feel like he’s saving me from most of the situations in my life.
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We walk back to the house forever altered. I notice Ross brush my hand in his own just momentarily before we head in.
