The burnt toast theory is the theory that while getting read for work or school, your toast overcooks and burns, causing you to put more toast in and run late, wasting time. But the time it took you to overcook the toast, throw it out, cook more toast and eat that, could've been saving minutes from a fatal car crash. I think about this theory a lot. I don't add onto it but I imagine it a little deeper. It's like good karma and bad karma but on how the universe decides to look down upon you that morning.
I was up until 1am last night, talking to my B and letting him vent and let all his feelings out. I had an 8am class but it's fine, I'd do anything for love. I woke up at 6.45 or just before and I felt fine. I wasn't groggy and I wasn't moody, I was fine. My phone was down to 60 something percent because I was up late and it charged all the way to 100% by the time I had to leave. My hair, for the first time ever, was doing what i wanted it to. It was symmetrical on both sides. It sat properly and even curled a little towards the ends, framing my face perfectly. J was awake and coming and I had even got ready with enough time to spare that we could go early.
Then in the car, B said he wasn't going. That's fine, I'll see him tomorrow and Sunday hopefully. I caught up with J and we walked to class. I told her a little more about the argument with dad last night. Then, my English teacher talks about the excursion I was supposed to go on, but J hadn't been at school to receive the permission note and plus, my ex was going and he still gives me a really bad anxiety reaction so I didn't want to go. He got mad at me. He grimaced and told me it looks bad on him, now. He said I'm at the age where I can't be wishy washy, it's either I go or I don't, I am or I'm not, I have to be confident in my answers from the beginning. There's no room for 'i dont knows'. That's what he told me.
There's an incredible lack of father figure in my life. My poppa on my mum's side passed away a few years ago. My dad claims his parents abused him and cut them off completely. And they're so petty they don't talk to any of us anymore, not even their own grandkids. And my dad is out of country a lot and a very disagreeable man. Hard to get along with. So, coping, I started to project a father figure onto some male teachers at school. My English teacher is one of two. One left because the stress of being the only music teacher was too much for him. Fair enough. So now its just my English teacher.
I cried. I didn't want to, I don't want him to see me cry. I don't want him to see me as weak. I look down on those who cry all the time so it's embarrassing when I do it too. He called me over after class end and told me he's not mad at me, he's not upset with me, just disappointed. Thanks, dad. School dad. 'Ppreciate it. That only set up my day for the worse.
Walking to my first period class (a study period in the senior study), I'm catching up with J because she hadn't been at school in like a week. I was talking about my last visual arts class and how I spent the whole time playing wordle unlimited with her cousin's boyfriend. Then some asshole whos walking alongside us asks if I ever shut up and that I'm so annoying. ouch. Once in the senior study, he says my shoes are ugly and they look like they're two dollars from big W. They were from big W so this hurt my feelings A LOT. I already felt like throwing up because what my English teacher said had genuinely ruined me. I was messaging my mama, telling her I'm sick and everything sucks and I can't take it anymore. The goddamn senior study supervisor comes around and tells me to put my phone away MID "mum im gonna throw up" message. I only wanted to send one. Quick and easy, gets the point across. I tell her "hold on" and she comes back with "NO I WONT HOLD ON, THIS SCHOOL IS STRICTLY ANTI PHONE, PUT IT AWAY OR I'LL SEND YOU TO THE DEPUTY". Keep in mind, it's only no phone because it was disrupting learning in class back in the day. Then they banned it during breaks because kids were fighting and being recorded and giving the school a bad rap. I wasn't filming a fight nor disrupting anyones learning. I can understand how im in the wrong, i actively went against school rules, but she has the capacity to ignore me as well. She's getting paid whether she sends me to the deputy or not. I don't know what her problem was. I put it under my leg and told her "as far as your concerned, i've never had it to begin with" and she said she'd kick me out if I keep up with my attitude because she's not gonna put up with blatant disrespect. She cant kick me out. I'm required to be in that room when I have a study period.
The second she leaves, I get on it again, this time to tell B that I was crying and I missed him and school sucks and I want to go home. She comes back saying I have to give it to her. "No." I tell her. But it's worse this time. I'm crying hard and for real this time. My body is convulsing almost, i can't breathe and my throat hurts. She says "clearly, im not the problem here, something else has happened, if you need to use your phone you need to go to the office" but i wasnt gonna go to the office just to what?? text B on instagram? what a waste. She offered me coffee, tea or milo but im not a warm drink enjoyer so i denied her offer. She left but I wasnt getting any better and I was just making the environment awkward for J and our classmate on the left of me. So i grabbed my chapstick and phone and shut the lid of my laptop and got up. I told J I'd be back and left. I kept my bag there as proof I wasn't wagging, I just went for a walk.
I went to the office and grabbed a tissue and the lovely lady who works on the newsletter and the facebook posts and instagram posts found me and asked how i was. Through snot and tears I gave her two thumbs up and a fake big teethy smile. she saw right through it. We talked and i told her what was wrong and she took me to the counsellor where i talked and talked and talked and cried and cried. There was like 3 minutes till the bell for period two when i decided to go back and get my shit.261Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrb3PUH4CUj
I apologised to J for leaving and I told her that I was going back period four to change classes and she's invited since we want to change together.
I was talking to B all day about how its so awful the only day he didnt come was the day I needed him. Then, B, the absolute love of my life, decided to cheer me up by buying me the scott pilgrim fighter game. I saw he gifted it to me while waiting for my period 3 teacher to show up.
I'm so in love with him, I know i'm jinxing it by writing this, but I love him so much. He's so nice to me, we can talk for hours, we can talk about bad stuff too and we can bring up problems without fear of confrontation. We balance each other out so well while also highlighting each others strengths and positive personality traits. He means a lot to me. 261Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKZo5tFlKn0
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