E wasn't at school today. i cant say i dont care about it anymore. i do. i will always care. she called me a bad friend. but at this stage, if i cant see the problem then the problem isnt there. i havent needed to confront her or how i feel yet because shes been absent from class. at this rate shes gonna fail year 11. she hasnt been to any of our early morning classes. none. english extension which she chose out of her own free will to do. i used to worry about her performance in english because me and J would muck around when we were supposed to be reading. but we always did the work. i couldnt absorb any of the book in the situation i was in so id go home and look up the audio book and listen to it there. i still got pretty much all the story down and i could talk to J about it because she actually took the book home to read. shes the first who finished reading it. we'd ask E how far through the book she is and shed shrug. we had an assessment on the book. an assignment. we had to read another book, a harder book for the students doing extension and compare the themes from that book to the original one. E didnt read either. she didnt do the assessment, she couldnt have. she had no idea what she was doing. i tried getting her to read it, me and J tried our hardest. we'd hype up the book and tell her when it gets good even though it was such a chore reading it and listening to it. i only persevered because J really enjoyed it and she resonated to one of the characters. we both did pretty well on the assessment. i scored lower than J but i dont wanna talk about it. im pretty insecure about my grades. especially since i idolize my english teacher so bad. hes like a dad to me.
my dad isnt really there for me. i cant really say that since i have it better than some people. but while i was growing up he'd leave town for week for work, i'd only see him on weekends. thats when i was really young. then he lost his job. the site he was working at shut down and he didnt have a job. he got very religious then, telling stories of how we wouldnt have made it this far without God looking down on us. even though my mum was working 5 days a week at a primary school with paid holidays. he got another job, at the same company just in a different area. now hes going out of country for weeks at a time, i barely see him. if i can remember all the way back to when i was just a kid, id prolly have mad deja vu. but i dont remember. still its a little hurtful, im almost growing up without a dad.
when he is home, hes always calling us into the lounge room just to grab him a beer while he hogs the tv or loudly voicing his political views that i dont agree with just to 'trigger' me. he likes that. he watches 'triggered sjw meltdowns' on youtube all the time. thats probably where he got it from. im not an sjw. im an old style feminist. im prochoice and i think roe v wade was a massive joke. i believe gay people should have rights. i dont think drag queens are raping our kids. i always believe a SA victim. and i believe false allegation are ruining everything by silencing real victims. that, to me, feels like common decency. yes, i understand some people are taking it too far with puberty blockers on kids who arent even close to puberty yet. but not all trans people de-transition. those people weren't trans to begin with. i dont think minors should be made homeless just because they enjoy the company of the same gender. or anyone for that matter, just minors especially. my dad, however, hates women despite living in a house with his wife and two daughters most of the time. he always talks about moving into the shed out back away from us. he wont let us talk about our periods in the common areas and he wont let us wear skimpy tops during hot weather. we've resorted to wearing boxers during hot days so he wont get mad. because that would be hypocritical.
this year, for my schooling, im doing early childhood studies. which means im also learning the stages of development since conception of a child. i dont think my dad ever researched this subject. my case? the other day me and my parents were happily talking about weddings. my mum was in the first trimester with me when they were wed. i had just researched all this, i wouldve been a blastocyst of cells and i wouldve just implanted myself into the uterine lining. i thought that couldve been a cool thing to know. i was just forming into an embryo and soon id be a fetus with fingers and toes and a heart beat while my parents were expressing their love for each other and solidifying it with a ring. but my dad had to correct me. he said no, i was a baby. in my opinion, based on the stuff ive read and my own conclusions; youre only a 'baby' once you're born. up until then youre a fetus. when you conceive, you conceive a baby, yes im not denying that. and you can call it a baby while youre carrying still, im not denying you that right. at that moment i was using technical, scientific terms. but he corrected me. i corrected him again saying yeah, but at that point, i barely resembled a human child. like, okay fourth wall break really quick. have you ever seen a fetus before it looks like a human baby? its horrific.
thats what i looked like when my parents were getting married. first trimester. thats barely a human, alright. i wouldnt call that a baby. but he insisted on correcting me. even going out of his way to tell my mother "yeah, this is where we're gonna clash heads a lot" no, dad. this is where youre gonna think youre right but in actuality, we're talking about two different things. sure i wouldve felt like a baby to the outside world. when i was being carried. but i was being scientific, displaying my knowledge on the subject in a place where it was advancing the conversation. after years of complaining saying he wastes money on school fees for no reason since we never tell him what we do in school or never do anything worthwhile. i thought hed be ecstatic, congratulating me on my knowledge on the stages of development and even telling me i have a bright future ahead of me in child care. that would be a bit far but at the moment i have no plans for the future so a little encouragement could've been cool.
my dads in new zealand at the moment. he'll be back saturday night. i dont know when he leaves again or how long hes staying for.
anyway, i was going to B's house after school for valentine's day this wednesday but my little sister has a dentist appointment. so instead im gonna catch the bus into town with him and we're gonna get milkshakes and sit by the river. he said he thinks hes in love with me. i want to believe him but im scared he just wants a girlfriend, and im an easy candidate. i guess ill just live with that fear until inevitably we break up.
-vinsie240Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj7xqySdrcJ
