i just joined Penana like three minutes ago so i dont know what im doing. i dont know how this platform works. i moved here from wattpad because im sick of wattpad's bad rep and i've been using wattpad since i was 10 (sue me) so it wasn't a very private account away from people i knew. which made it hard to start a personal diary/blog. i tried tumblr but i was also embarrassed to use it because of what i had heard. even though i had a completely anonymous account and had the app on my phone in a secret folder. i was embarrassed to use it and didnt have the time to figure everything out. i have a faster running computer and desk space now so i can finally journal properly. i never liked writing on paper because my handwriting is awful and you cant just get rid of it by minimizing a tab. im left handed too. never appreciated the pencil smudges. uhh yeah thats my introduction. its a formality. now you know more about me, i feel less awkward spilling my life out.
i go to school in australia. which means im in the southern hemisphere which means im in summer right now. so i just had summer break. 6 weeks over christmas and new years. i went back to school February first. the 6 week holidays are always hard. i have to struggle with being over socialised and over tired over christmas then go back to being bored and starved of a social interaction until new years. and then long for the laugh of a friend. fortunately, those 6 weeks, i had a friend who was always free. unfortunately, my other two friends could never make it. well. thats kinda true. my best friend in the whole world, J, had problems with transportation. her parents were grumpy most of the time so they couldnt drive her all the way from her house into town. the other 'friend', E, completely ghosted us the entire 6 week holidays. i can remember the exact day she stopped messaging. i invited her to get on game we were all playing. she said maybe and then she must've fell off the face of the earth or something. my friend J messaged her, checking in, and it took her a week to answer. E said she hadn't messaged us because of mental health reasons, nothing more. which, knowing my old friends, is just a cheap excuse to get someone to go away and stop pestering. i knew it. when J screenshot the message to show me. i knew that wasn't the case. i let it go because whatever. this isnt out of character for her.
a bit of context: J isn't allistic. neither is E. i am. im not autistic and as far as im aware im not neurodivergent either. because E didnt have any friends and J knew she was autistic so, being the absolute darling she is, J told me she wanted to be her friend. i was absolutely content with my friend group at the moment. i had moved out of a really toxic, awful friend group full of hypocrites and liars. i had finally found friends who would love me unconditionally and who i can use as support beams and i could support them back. i didnt wanna improve on perfection but if J thought it was a good idea, i was gonna support her all the way. we found her sitting alone in a free class and sat with her and started talking to her like we were friends. in hindsight, we may have come on pretty strong on poor E. we got to know her through interview like questions i looked up on my phone. "questions to ask your girlfriend" and i read out the ones that had the most relevance. it was pretty great. i was happy, i thought we had made progress and maybe improving on perfection wouldnt be all that bad. except is was always J and i going over to her and initiating. we would always start conversations with her and we'd always talk the longest, trying to keep a conversation going.
eventually we invited E into mine and J's new friend group. they're such a loving bunch, we weren't scared there'd be a personality clash. what we didnt anticipate is that E would completely reject this. yes, she hangs AROUND we were sit at breaks. but shes so far away. if we're all standing, she'll be seated on the bench not too far away, but far enough away that you could miss her if you have bad vision. far enough away that she removed herself from the conversation. and it was never a one off. she'd do it all the time. it was a regular occurrence. she'd never join in to group discussion. it was never pressured. just sometimes i got irritated when, even in small groups, she'd stand a bit away, all closed off and not really there mentally. i was so patient with her. we'd include her. "hey E! come over!" and she'd come over but she'd just stand there. it's fine, it was a work in progress. we were rushing a friendship onto her. she had friends before but her friend, i knew personally and she was a terrible person. she moved school eventually leaving E with no friends. me and J invited E to things. we have a another friend B. i'll talk about him later but we all had a group chat on discord then later instagram because i had a whine. there was a group dm with all of us, J, E, B and i and another one without B so we could talk about girl stuff like periods and personal stuff that B wouldn't want to hear. she wouldn't be very active in it but thats fine. we were working on it. every day last period, she'd pull her phone out and ear phones out and completely shut us out in preparation for waiting for her bus. it offended J and i deeply because she had plenty of time to do that when we had gone. we wait out the front of the gate for 10 minutes or more then we say goodbye and walk away. she stopped doing it after we told her we were upset by it.
me and J have a friend, L, who lives up in sydney and every year in april we go visit them. we meet at a big carnival and we all have a blast. we invited E to come with us but E and L dont know each other so on rides me and J had to sit apart. it was hard because me and J were obsessed with each other, we had been in the same friend group for years and we were good friends but while talking to each other one day, we both found out that we both hate our friend group and think they're awful. they bullied me relentlessly for years and J didn't have the voice to tell them to stop. she also couldn't leave because for some reason they idolized her. we both on different social stances WITHIN our friend group. we left in october/november the year before we became friends with E. it's fine, we put up with it. if E wanted to go eat something, J went with her and i stayed with L. it was hard but it was easy. i had missed L a ton. on the bus ride home, we all went nonverbal to catch up on energy.
another time, me, J and E went on a school excursion to the town 30 minutes from ours to watch a ted-talk-esque show. i got sick from anxiety and couldn't go back into the auditorium after lunch. i knew there was a park just a little bit away from where we were and it wouldn't be too bad of a walk. J thought it was pretty neat and she was on board so we took E and all walked to the park i was talking about. there was a big hamster wheel we were embarrassing ourselves on. we told E to have a turn but she didnt wanna. after a while of me and J hurting ourselves falling over on the hamster wheel, we look around and cant see E. i get out of the wheel and look around. shes playing in the little hamster wheel just next to the bigger hamster wheel we were on. i was a little hurt by this because she purposefully chose to fuck around away from us. a couple hours later, we were sitting around, bored and E wanted to go for a walk so we all got up and went for a wander for her. i was so sick, i couldn't make it to the second day of the excursion so it was just J and E hanging out. good for them, they have more in common than what me and E have in common.
back at school, E would never tell us when she was going somewhere. if i had to tell a teacher something, i would get J to come with me and we'd tell all our friends where we were going. J's little sister S would get mad at us for 'ditching' E whenever me and J would run an errand. even though S was talking to her more than what me and J were. E would talk to S more than me and i was in her year. that upset me a little bit. i kept to myself, i'd never tell J that E was making me a little bit upset. after all, E was her friend. i was trying to be E's friend but she makes it so hard. some of the school counsellor's invited me and J to do a program they were running. it would run first and second period every tuesday. it was about identifying toxic and abusive traits in people/men since the program consisted of exclusively girls, we'd talk about awful boyfriends/ awful guys we've met. E wasn't invited to join this program. some sticky beaks in the year twice below mine would call me and J awful for ditching E to do the program. like we had a choice. and on that particular day E wasn't even present at school. it made me very angry. i told J that it pissed me off. she completely understood and she was even mad herself.
sometimes it would feel like J favored E over me. i knew E favored J over me and J but to think J would prefer E over me? that hurt. so i never told her. then one day, it all got too much for me. i couldn't handle E being so distant. it came up to one year since being E's friend and it felt like we had made no progress with her. it was starting to drain me of my energy. she wouldnt even tell us if she was going to be present of absent from school in the morning, a tradition i had created where in the group chat, we'd check in and present our excuses for being absent so the rest of us (just me) could mentally prepare for the day i had to go through without them. J was notorious for coming up with excuses just to skip school.
all the little things E had done was getting to me. so i decided to tell J. i tell J everything. she knows so much about me and i know so much about her. there's a really boring game we play together that relies on staying in game for long periods of time to make money. so while playing, she'll sit her avatar on a lounge and i'll sit mine next to hers and we'll just talk. during our call + game, i told her E is upsetting me and it feels like shes not putting in enough effort as i'd like. when we'd invite her to play games with us, she'd say she cant use voice chat because she doesnt have a mic like B or J. i didnt have a mic either, i'd use my phone and it's shitty mic. neither B or J minded. then E would say she cant because her phones on charge. always. on charge. but she'd still want to talk to us so she'd type in our dms. which was painful having to switch tabs just to read E making a poor joke or pointing something out the minute before i did, but how would i know? she wasnt speaking. and she was such a liar too. she'd play music while playing with us and we could hear the music. and we could hear her keyboard clicking. so her mic worked. and it worked perfectly. that annoyed me.
during 5th period one day at school, me and J were walking to history but passed our english teachers classroom and we walked in to say hi. we ended up staying longer than we anticipated but we ended up telling him all about how draining it is being friends with E and how she doesnt contribute to anything and always sits away from us and how i dont even know her favourite colour because she doesnt talk to us. we confessed to distancing ourselves, mimicking her. we werent gonna try our hardest if she wasnt. i felt better after tell him and he said we should just try a little harder. just for a little bit. we had our big year-exclusive camp coming up and we were gonna be in a different state and going to big water parks. it'd be easier to not fight and argue and be upset at such a fun place. so we didn't. we tried our hardest and still it wasn;t enough.
after camp, in english, we werent doing much so i was talking to J about something i was watching on youtube. me and J love horror movies, we love psychological horror. we watched american psycho and midsommar at a sleepover and it started us making empty promises to watch all the horror movies. i was talking about a psychologic horror iceberg i found on youtube. i told J that our favourite, midsommar, which messed up our brains, was only in the second tier. J told me that the lower tiers are snuff films and they're illegal to watch. i looked up the iceberg on my phone and we went through the ones we knew. she was explaining a movie she had watching about an ex-porn star doing one last film but it turns out its his sons unconscious body and his best friend is doing his wife's unconscious body but he didnt know. as J was explaining it, E, who was sitting RIGHT NEXT TO ME, said "hey, J, are you talking about the horror movie iceberg?" okay hold on. she singled J out. even though i was sitting right next to her and J was holding my phone with my pretty pink sparkly phone case. and i was talking too. i told J about it later and she understood what i was talking about. but she couldn't understand it better than i could. i've always been second favourite. and i called it, too. i told J that i was second favourite.
during the holidays, B told me he like E. i was excited because that would mean E would have to talk to us more. it could finally bring her closer to us. because B was really close to me. i was wingman-ing B. he'd send me screenshots of his conversation with E and deep down i knew that she wasn't interested. the way she was messaging him was just replying to his messages, not talking to him, if that makes sense. on one of his usual updates, B sent me a screenshot of her ignoring him. not opening his messages for hours, days even. it was sad to look at. i told him, no harm, she's probably busy.
now you're up to speed.
when E said "im not online as much for mental health reasons. nothing more." i knew she was a liar. she had been online on discord for like ever. on and off of discord. her having to specify it was "nothing more" meant so obviously that it was more.
she didnt message us like we usually do in the mornings, greeting each other and complaining about how bad school sucks. she walked right past us in the morning. she didnt come up to us at break. she didnt say hello or say she missed us or provide reason to why she had been m.i.a. i took the hint and said nothing. J had made it to our period 2 class before me or E. E made it there before i did. E sat a desk away from J and when J asked why she was sitting away, E said it was to give her space and she didnt move. i came in after all of them, even after sharing a class with E, she just walked away and didnt wait for me. at break, she'd rather stand by herself than sit with us. it started annoying J and i, we'd talk about it whenever we could. J was getting genuinely angry about it. all we had done for her just for her to ungratefully ignore us with no explanation.
our swimming carnival was on wednesday. E came even though none of her other friends went and she didnt even sit with us at all. the only girl she could've sat with, moved to sit with her best friend. so E sat alone. even though J, B and i were all together just a little ways over. E preferred to sit by herself. when we got back to school, E stood away from everyone and waiting for the bell to dismiss us. B looked at her and told us he was gonna talk to her to find out why she was ignoring us. J asked what he'd say. I put my input in and J said not to say what i said. god forbid. they banned me from messaging her and asking whats up because im so pressed on the subject of her. J was giving him things to say and B was suggesting things and i shut down. i dont care for E. I had already mentally stopped being her friend. friend's dont ignore each other and dont communicate. B messaged me that arvo saying he knew why E was ignoring us. he said E said her friendship with me felt half assed and she felt i was using her for entertainment. She said her friendship with me felt half assed and I was using her for entertainment.
Those words ruined me. I had just got into a relationship with B so i wasnt going to lash out at him. i messaged J but she was offline. i sent her the screenshot and she could read it when she came online. she misread the screenshot and thought E was saying her friendship with me and J was half assed when E just meant me exclusively. i was sending paragraphs to J. caps lock paragraphs. i was mad. all i ever do is put effort in. i full ass everything. and she just said im a bad friend. and she couldnt even say it to my face. she was willing to sever ties with all my friends just because of me. that made me so angry, i cried. i told my english teacher the following day. E wasnt going to be at school for a while because her living situation is changing. my english teacher told me to write down my feeling so they dont swirl around in my head. i wont see E for a while and im talking really bad about her behind her back, saying i wish i wasnt her friend in the first place. i say i dont mean it but i do. shes been so stressful to put up with. and all shes ever done is favour J above me. if anything shes the bad friend. the least she couldve done is talk to me about it. she could COMMUNICATE her feelings to me. tell me that she feels like im not putting in enough effort. which by the way is RICH coming from the bitch who wont even talk to me, or ANYONE if its in a group setting. but, now that i think about it, she was talking in a group setting in our senior study class the other day. when i wasnt present. she was being very social. unlike how she is with us.
I was talking to J, i said if some one told me they were using me for entertainment, id be flattered. because it means they think im entertaining. i use J for entertainment. i told her that. she said the same about me. i love J, i love her with all i have, she is the most important person in my life all the time.
im writing this on sunday, i go back to school on monday. i have to get there early for my period 0 class. english extension. E is in my english extension class. she hasnt been to one extension class yet. i dont want her to be in my english extension class. theres 3 people including me and not her. i like it when it was just us three. im comfortable with us three. my english teacher said hes going to call on her and talk to her as much as me and i'll have to deal with it. i know she wont respond. she wont answer. she doesnt like me so shes not comfortable around me. i wonder if the reason her other friend left is because she did something E didnt like and E didnt say anything and just started ignoring her. i've been having nightmares more frequently because as much as i hate to admit it, the whole situation is stressing me out. i share so many classes with her. if she wants to not have friends then so be it. she can suck a fat one. the thing really getting me is she still kinda hangs out with my friends and my boyfriend, B, who knows how much this is ruining me, still asked if it was okay to talk to her. like okay i love him for asking first but time and place, i was crying, granted he didnt know, but i was telling him how upset i was.
everyones talking to me like i want to talk to her and makeup and to back to being friends but just the opposite. i was to scream and yell and tell her how much i hate her. i never truly liked her and im excused for choosing J over her. J has been my friend for almost a decade. and shes been my best friend for 3 years now. my only best friend for 3 years now. i dont know what her deal is, but best friendship comes with time and effort, it doesnt just happen. i could have more in common with someone than i do with J and they could make me laugh more and they could hang out more but if i just know them, they're always going to be second place to J. not like that would ever happen, J is like literally my soulmate. shes my number one, in every multiverse. boyfriends will come and go but J will always stick around to hear about the nitty gritty details.
speaking of boyfriends, B was the only friend i had who was free almost every day of christmas break. and he understood when i was too tired to function and he helped me out when i got stuck or was fumbling a game. he even bought me a bunch of games to play with him. co-op games of course. i appreciate him for that. we'd call and we'd talk and we'd talk for hours. we once started call at like 8 and stayed on call until 3 in the morning. thats eight hours. even better, we once called until the sun came up. god, it was such a beautiful sunrise. i was so nervous to go to bed because i knew i either wouldnt wake up or id wake up really early and be irritated. i had a wardrobe malfunction on a really hot day in town,, just the two of us and he let me wear his shirt and let me keep it. before we were even dating. stupid nerd shirt of rick and morty, i dont wear it out because im not an absolute nerd but i wear it to bed. every night. the smell of him is gone from the shirt because i had to wash it to stay hygienic. but i asked him what deodorant he uses so i can smell like him. he made fun of me for writing poetry once. i only wrote poetry because i was in such a loving romantic relationship and the only way for me to express my feelings was to write. then we broke up and it broke me.
i dated someone else and we got into another long term relationship and i wrote poetry for him and he'd one up me and write poetry for me. i stopped writing for a long time after that. i was so heartbroken, the way we broke up, wasnt fair. it wasnt fair it wasnt fair. i still think about how unfair it was on me. i wasnt given a reason to fall out of love with him. he cheated on me. you'd think "oh but vinsie, wouldn't the betrayal be the easiest way to fall out of love with him?" thats what i thought but the girl who he cheated on me with kept bullying me relentlessly because god forbid a girl is a little upset that her long term lover who she was getting comfortable enough with to almost have INTERCOURSE with and who said that he'd wait for her to get comfortable before they did anything too risque threw it all away just to have sex with another girl. he told me that he was a virgin and he was over the moon to lose his to me and i was with him. turns out he was lying. he used to be obsessed with me. but she bullied me and made my life hell even though she was dating my boyfriend. so i had no time to be heartbroken, i had to focus on the bitch who was obsessed with me in the way opposite to her new boyfriend. i dont see him as much anymore which makes it easy to forget he was ever there
its hard moving on from a long term lover. those guys have seen me at my most vulnerable and they saw me grow up, even if it was only 8 months. they were the longest 8 months of my life. and i was so in love. i love hard and it always ruins me in the end. i always do it to myself. but its always so fun. J's cousin has been in a relationship for maybe 3/4 years now. they're both only 15/16. it's ridiculous. im awaiting my turn. teenage romance is the best form of romance. im not desperate or anything. eventually everything will turn out good for me. just if i can prevent being sad and alone in my 40s or using a dating app or something, i will. i dont mean that. im only thinking about my life right now, im too scared to think about the future. it'll only stress me out further.
B and i already have a collaborative playlist on spotify. and our blend says our music matches 95%. thats a win, i dont care. i've been feeling like writing more poetry. i'll post my poems eventually. i might even post my old poems. thats all for today. i'll post life updates when something goes wrong or so incredibly right.
toodles for now<33
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