Last night was one of the most emotionally tumultuous nights of my life.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJe2qE6m3fL
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Do you want to spend the rest of your life alone?485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtemaVwuoUa
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No.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIXc3Fcfxcx
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Then tell him.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgyVGbtoYFZ
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I can't.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL5h1n252fc
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"I can't," I say out loud as I lay on my back on my bed, staring up at the ceiling above me. 485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg8Ye2hMqAx
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Truth be told, I'm stuck. I can't move forward from my past, from the pain that I've experienced; I can't let it go.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOU5G5gcRgA
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But can you let David go?485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaZ8onNayvl
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I try to shut off that annoying voice inside of my head, because the thought of life without David right now is... painful.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgX9nVWghNv
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Attachment. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJhSEKsWW0e
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I don't want my life without him to feel painful, I want it to feel free. 485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK04RXcAVG5
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But I don't.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfW0WIVAzKd
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I feel entangled with him. I want to be near him, feel him, see him, just know that he's there.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyuh9coYlrF
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Have you ever been in the process of falling in love with someone, where you aren't quite there yet, but you can feel yourself plunging into something so unknown, but it's so... blissful?485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrNQKlJsEeD
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Well, it's the opposite for me. 485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiRadVWnj7e
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I'm not in love with David yet, but I'm sure that pretty soon I will be. I'm free-falling like a dense, metal bucket with no rope or string thrown into a water well. The water at the bottom of the well represents is the love that I, the bucket too dense to float, will sink into and be filled with one day. That's what love feels like; it floods you, it consumes you.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEHi2RuOOG7
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I haven't hit the water yet, but as I plummet through the dark, cold air, I know that it is coming.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYnfoiqNMjn
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It terrifies me, because the farther I go, the more and more I realise that I cannot defy gravity; I cannot go back. It feels as if I'm being dragged down towards that damning pool of love against my will. 485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy0KpeQxwm1
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This isn't bliss; it's torture.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKAA8gyK4BG
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***485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbmafwj7iKU
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I can't sleep.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2vdKytA46A
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The pain in my pelvis is back in full force, and I'm beginning to think that this is due to more than just bad eating habits.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0QrkdNtEeN
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"Fuck," I groan to myself as I roll over, clutching the left side of my pelvis in pain. Of course, that does nothing.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ19Rzd55OCU
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I decide to get up and do something else; I'll go to the doctor tomorrow. 485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgRiWhAZcMM
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I circle my room, walking around it five times, until something catches my eye. Underneath the dresser, pushed to the back, covered in dust, is a tiny, black album, with a spine which was once bright crimson, but is now a dull red from the dust which has taken up residence on the cotton material. 485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡblhGEjdvj2
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This is the album with photos from my old life. I put pictures of people I love in this album, but once they all died, I stopped using it.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7gJSLjNOkt
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I'm obviously a professional masochist, truly learned in the art of inflicting pain upon oneself, because before I can make a well thought out decision as to what I should do about this little discovery, I am dragging the dusty album from under my dresser and sitting on my bed, flipping it open.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpM1iGzBy0b
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The first picture is a picture of myself and my mother. This starts up a dull ache in my chest. She was the world to me; she made me believe in myself, and there wasn't a day that I lived in that woman's presence that I didn't feel loved. 485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwDtVXtZ24M
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Having your mother die in a house fire when you're fifteen hurts like a bitch, especially if she's even half the mother that mine was. It was just so, abrupt, so unexpected, so... tragic.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQjMmwHqmLD
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The next set of pictures that set me off are Amy's. Amy... isn't just my best friend. She's my sister. 485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5IUezYPytN
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My mother's death fucked me up; I stopped socialising with people, and I started to shut them out. I didn't get tied to the people who cared for me; once I turned eighteen, I just got up and left. Amy was the only person who I still let in; she had been my friend since I was six years old, and we just never grew apart. 485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBPdeeibAI4
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When I tried to push her away, she wouldn't let me. I didn't leave her, but in the end, she left me.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMRDI12ICfH
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For what?485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY02paIkvA6
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Nothing.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNPmfFJHMbP
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Amy was actually the one who introduced be to Andrew on my twentieth birthday.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ81mKCTDlHE
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Andrew.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrzo5zyU70u
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With the tears already welling up in my eyes, I flip the page quickly, wanting to get it over with quickly; but once I see his face, a face I which haven't seen for so long, a face which I have evaded for so long, I throw the album and scream.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkVJLq4VWSr
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Sometimes, I wonder if something is wrong with me. Most people lose their loved ones, grieve, and then move on with their scars, never forgetting, but always moving forward. Most people can look at a picture of their boyfriend who's been dead for two years now without breaking down into hysterics.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqJSYUQaQWy
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I can't.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIRsUwftrQo
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This is why I try to block all of this out; because I've tried healing. To an extent, it worked with my mother, because even though her death was tragic and unexpected, you expect that you'll outlive your parents; you don't expect them to grow old and die with you. With Amy, it didn't work as well, because she was so young, and I still haven't forgiven her.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡywkJ2J6LXO
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With Andrew? It just didn't work. Period. He was supposed to have children and grow old with me. So here I am, writhing in emotional agony on my bed, sobbing just as hard and in even more pain than I was in on the night that he died. 485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrKxMfmmv6d
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I can't be healed. Pretending to forget is the next best thing.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjK2rjD6a8e
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When I'm all cried out, the once dark sky is now dimly lit with early morning light. 485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ZN2uZyLWH
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I just spent hours crying over Andrew; I have to admit, if he were alive, he'd probably feel a mix of guilt and disappointment. That hurts.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE0WwYUFofX
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Before that thought can set me off, I close my eyes and will myself back into my closed-off emotionless state.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS0Xc3stR8K
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Why did I bother to take up the fuckíng album? I should have just left it. I should have just—485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡytJm8oE5hv
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"FUCK!" I scream, when I feel the pain tear through my pelvis once more; it feels as if it's consuming my entire body.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ71xMRNRwhj
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This definitely is not normal.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfuJ6mWazLl
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"Ahh!" I scream, trying to pull myself up, but I fall back down.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwU5LcBS7Le
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I desperately feel for the phone, trying to feel for it between the sheets, under the pillows, anywhere — then finally, I have it.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbbb6su33t7
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Then I pause.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡttSeHLcIZe
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Should I call an ambulance? I won't know how to explain this to a phone operator, and they probably wouldn't take me seriously, so I'd be waiting here forever.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6rfcmCojWP
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Call David.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYNQ1QN3mbI
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I don't have time to think too hard about it, because all too soon, I'm hearing his sleep-roughed voice.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Jejuwlsma
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"Leah?"485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ChoFR2wch
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"David," I gasp. 485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDkpUECKLVU
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"Leah! What's wrong?" he asks frantically, once he hears my voice.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSu3IBf6I5h
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"M-m-my, m-y side," I stutter out, hoping that he can make out what I'm saying.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQGGDNoFIGU
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I can hear him moving in the background, and I know that he's in his way.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGVedVxaEhV
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"Are you at home, Leah?"485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgVzFkwT33L
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"Yes," I whimper, feeling weak all of a sudden. Too weak. I'm about to pass out.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9H6st5kYDg
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"I'm on my way, but Leah, I need you to keep talking to me."485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc9ZEWYu6c9
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"Hmm," I say, barely able to get anything out.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQqG24aIaPk
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"What's wrong with your side, Leah?"485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6t4MbHiqQl
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I focus on his voice; I focus on him. He's trying, coming out of his house at the ass crack of dawn to take me to the hospital; even as I feel the darkness yanking at me, I fight it.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYihi0pKcPc
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"It hurts," I whisper, as if it's some great secret, and in this moment, it is, because I'm not just talking about my side; I'm talking about everything. I want to explain that to him so much, but I can't.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrDbpkWppAC
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When I go to blink again, I don't re-open my eyes.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmBDZZyxttY
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I can't.485Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKGEg2UIImi
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Oblivion swallows me whole.
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