I wake up in the morning with a sore throat, and tear stains on my face. 607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwKOOBK6XIe
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I was crying in my sleep. Great.607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyWT2sylrA9
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What's even better is when I feel the two steel arms wrapped around my torso.607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO3tTKLK8Un
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I open my mouth to ask him what the fuck he's doing in here, but he beats me to it .607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw0aRv8CzEX
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"You were crying in your sleep — bawling, acctually, screaming "Why, Amy? You calmed down the moment I wrapped my arms around you."607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKkq8MgqQBI
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I say nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because even though I was in a tremendous amount of emotional pain, I would really have preferred if he didn't comfort me; this is the kind of thing that causes strings to attach. I don't want him to build up this idea of me being this emotionally broken girl that he must always be there for, because truthfully, I'll never want to keep him around for that; I don't want a crutch. 607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ9yXjXzK52
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"You know... It's okay to feel."607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXosH03ospG
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"I don't need to hear this bullshít." I hear this all the time, but I don't listen. Because if I do? If I allow myself to feel on a regular basis, and not just when shít like this triggers me — I'll go mad with grief. 607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpguJ4npDqo
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"It's true."607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtoNH7fJeFz
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I lie there and say nothing, afraid that I'll say the wrong thing.607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt1sPTpM5MI
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"I have a little sister. She's seventeen now, her birthday just passed in October."607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡICfIj8Txrw
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I look at the cieling, wondering why he's telling me this.607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeJkur4wXoS
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"She died two years ago, five days before her fifteenth birthday."607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVnqA3vxOer
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When he speaks again, his voice is thick, and cracks on the words "died," "five days," and "fifteenth birthday".607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGX4wZ0BjVg
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"You said something to me yesterday; something of interest ; you said "she is my best friend". Is. Present tense. So I know that like me, you don't remove titles from people once they die."607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡACPifzrM8t
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I'm looking at him now, just staring at him, his eyes filled with unshed tears. I can't believe that he picked that up.607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLZj15EVB9Q
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"You love the fùck out of her... yet you won't even let yourself properly grieve. You can't keep that in; I tried to do that with my sister. It nearly killed me."607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOppPqcMGjS
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It isn't the same, though. Too many people who I've loved dearly have died. My mother, Amy, and other shít that I just don'teven want to think about right now.607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI5XKsOb1sO
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Additionally, there's the anger that I feel surrounding Amy's death; anger at myself for not stopping her, but more than anything, anger at her for making that decision that lead to her death.607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUkLpX0E7ZM
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He starts talking again.607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLFMBGmyalF
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"I hate when people ask if I'm okay; obviously, I'm not okay. I will never be okay. My sister is everything to me, and therefore, I am reminded every day of the pain that I will have to endure for the rest of my life. I cry about it; all the goddamn time. But life goes on, and even though I will never be the same, I will never be okay, never know happiness the way I once did, I refuse to not grieve; she deserves for me to grieve over her; and I refuse to let it consume me, because the last thing she said to me was to make her proud; do whatever I think that she would be proud of."607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzhAJ1WaGO4
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Tears are running down his face now, and I use my thumb to wipe them away.607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVDAbrud5Q8
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"What did she die from?"607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFVMijNo5qh
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He sniffles a bit, and then says "leukemia. She knew that she was going to die; she was hoping that, against the odds, she'd make it to her birthday."607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3QR9VUHWfi
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I didn't expect that he'd be so forthcoming with his personal life.607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCtcfOSakvJ
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Didn't expect that for once, I wasn't the only one feeling this kind of pain.607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8t6gs3zwkW
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So I do what feels natural; I let some of the pain out.607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxZnAGt45NB
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It's a frightening feeling, grief. What I felt last night when I was thinking of Amy was nothing in comparison to what I'm feeling now.607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjCKc6s3yfX
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It's as if your heart is being squeezed and pulled and broken over and over again, while your soul is being dragged across hot coals and battered and bruised and pushed far beyond the point of endurance.607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxXT1rBw2Rm
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And this isn't even the full extent of my grief; this is only my grief for Amy. I still have the pain for my other loved ones bottled up inside — and honestly, they might stay there for a really long time.607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBamZjlcCB8
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Like I said, if I allow myself to feel, I'll go mad with grief — and I already feel myself breaking, unravelling at the seams from letting my feelings for Amy out.607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpDeJobmaYm
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Under the "Ice Queen" façade, I'm a fùcked up emotional mess, and this is the real reason why I refuse to attach myself to anyone. I've dealt with enough death, enough loss for an infinite amount of lifetimes; I'm not interested in setting myself up for that kind of pain again.607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp2uW8nPvpY
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It is with those thoughts that I hug David, then get up and leave him on the bed.607Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQfq45gVNOd
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I then lock myself in the bathroom, and try to regain my composure — only to break down crying on the floor.
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