幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
331Please respect copyright.PENANAGTnDZkxEjf
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
331Please respect copyright.PENANABx5IUmtvqq
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
331Please respect copyright.PENANAupNZp64Plh
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
331Please respect copyright.PENANAgmtEwDojHn
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
331Please respect copyright.PENANAofwWJTLBVh
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
331Please respect copyright.PENANAPfwi7wGjgy
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
331Please respect copyright.PENANAeThoKZgC6s
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。331Please respect copyright.PENANAstDMS0QTbl
331Please respect copyright.PENANAt6Z2y6KCHk
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世界觀:331Please respect copyright.PENANAsQtru4DEkb
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本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
331Please respect copyright.PENANAW9TfMkTXl0
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
331Please respect copyright.PENANAiGHPkVawaG
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
331Please respect copyright.PENANA5YwU2HFANn
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劇情細節的提醒:331Please respect copyright.PENANAudBhEwGnad
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a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:331Please respect copyright.PENANAbrYJn5EJMG
331Please respect copyright.PENANACRX1OPpP0V
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。331Please respect copyright.PENANAsZiSZcH0ze
331Please respect copyright.PENANAYgy3uOmKBn
參考網站:331Please respect copyright.PENANA8RYbUT3XY1
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html331Please respect copyright.PENANAR7EbDb4HYi
331Please respect copyright.PENANApTHWVjO1mu
331Please respect copyright.PENANAAgGmumxBlp
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。331Please respect copyright.PENANA9tWX6kSc7F
331Please respect copyright.PENANAYsMYcpeXWt
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。331Please respect copyright.PENANAsOkd94AgHi
331Please respect copyright.PENANAR5w22V7rbg
331Please respect copyright.PENANA0auhe8BPV9
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。331Please respect copyright.PENANA3SEIkV84Dl
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角色:331Please respect copyright.PENANAMyS2bwIHd5
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以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:331Please respect copyright.PENANARm0EdkFliG
331Please respect copyright.PENANAA5hWvF1UTM
主角:俊明
331Please respect copyright.PENANAxyOQ5wTsyj
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)331Please respect copyright.PENANAHmNbSgQpiG
331Please respect copyright.PENANAkvT9NYhd1j
主角現狀:遭人排擠
331Please respect copyright.PENANA8gpimSmP5h
奉翊:331Please respect copyright.PENANA56yg8k7x5K
不擅長飛行。331Please respect copyright.PENANA8PQSOQ0vaG
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。331Please respect copyright.PENANAG6Gb4NSHXU
331Please respect copyright.PENANADx2l4pJDsB
331Please respect copyright.PENANAx6S8NScT2E
331Please respect copyright.PENANACEvsxOwlv1
對於角色整體的感想:331Please respect copyright.PENANAvW0LWUHSWS
331Please respect copyright.PENANAGNa0oec7m9
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。331Please respect copyright.PENANAKXaaPoPQUu
331Please respect copyright.PENANAeb0u99aNBf
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。331Please respect copyright.PENANAXbXPxmeRPL
331Please respect copyright.PENANAClADFj0jFu
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:331Please respect copyright.PENANATVfMwsOcX4
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原作:331Please respect copyright.PENANA9fDutJsXRB
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俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388331Please respect copyright.PENANAbNX2IiaGLO
331Please respect copyright.PENANAi8LbBMRI5Z
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)331Please respect copyright.PENANAbc79H6Wby6
331Please respect copyright.PENANA8uxIwROkqF
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):331Please respect copyright.PENANAbA8Ndk6Ap4
331Please respect copyright.PENANADXCzTT0InE
調整後:331Please respect copyright.PENANAFLoFZbErEs
331Please respect copyright.PENANATBc5Qy4haO
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。331Please respect copyright.PENANAwhyqewKim9
331Please respect copyright.PENANAuNztlAxmZi
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。331Please respect copyright.PENANA40EhpjhYCI
331Please respect copyright.PENANArd5vNU8Ww0
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。331Please respect copyright.PENANAWzQEuoZ49v
331Please respect copyright.PENANAd2KSGqBhdT
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」331Please respect copyright.PENANAIAr7rlsQtD
331Please respect copyright.PENANAcT5rSR4r6H
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。331Please respect copyright.PENANAr7tsAfXc1C
331Please respect copyright.PENANAi5NtVbqWJX
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:331Please respect copyright.PENANALIlin27KAl
331Please respect copyright.PENANAeS3tjTK7bP
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」331Please respect copyright.PENANA1D756CmfwT
331Please respect copyright.PENANAHn3FiH69im
查喀比茲?那是什麼?331Please respect copyright.PENANAAu7XkuX5AW
331Please respect copyright.PENANAItHN8E4JyU
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:331Please respect copyright.PENANAonbEQMUObg
331Please respect copyright.PENANANOVc4cLMeH
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」331Please respect copyright.PENANA3o1fgldm4Y
331Please respect copyright.PENANAMFuAjiVqXC
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。331Please respect copyright.PENANAEHASEFOhbH
331Please respect copyright.PENANAjb77mqztIE
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」331Please respect copyright.PENANA9xsAuuSTLN
331Please respect copyright.PENANAtpoltBj31N
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。331Please respect copyright.PENANAWoifbmoQid
331Please respect copyright.PENANACcsSo6yi9E
他進一步解釋道:331Please respect copyright.PENANAN0K6OuE7GO
331Please respect copyright.PENANAwwzOAkyIc4
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」331Please respect copyright.PENANAO6pp7BfW6L
331Please respect copyright.PENANAhGdmYPlFIQ
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:331Please respect copyright.PENANAWLlCsIQXKT
331Please respect copyright.PENANAqJ7A2WB9cc
「查詢,查喀比茲。」331Please respect copyright.PENANAd90KQlPXQc
331Please respect copyright.PENANAHsrWzuBUVN
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。331Please respect copyright.PENANAHYadHPwLbb
331Please respect copyright.PENANAwf90nIdkbQ
「──查無此項結果。」331Please respect copyright.PENANARbbgQh20fj
331Please respect copyright.PENANA5rS25QKtnO
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。331Please respect copyright.PENANAyL2320NoUj
331Please respect copyright.PENANAi1u1KihyuN
「啊啊!」331Please respect copyright.PENANANYgdK82sUl
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吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。331Please respect copyright.PENANA5qqq1NsARx
331Please respect copyright.PENANAgk1I5wfHPY
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」331Please respect copyright.PENANAyWtJ2gjixy
331Please respect copyright.PENANA1F1lCilQXJ
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:331Please respect copyright.PENANA5jsVVwoZlA
331Please respect copyright.PENANA6QrX6Lc7GV
查喀比茲。331Please respect copyright.PENANAlH6dseaBBi
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給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。331Please respect copyright.PENANAvq1A7lWiAv
331Please respect copyright.PENANAjt889ehx7N
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。331Please respect copyright.PENANAwBz2zXC5Rv
331Please respect copyright.PENANA2WrAHGZTW5
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:331Please respect copyright.PENANAWM95sZI2bU
331Please respect copyright.PENANAXPZk8UJi3J
「你、你、你……該不會──」331Please respect copyright.PENANAz05b6R18el
331Please respect copyright.PENANAPp368SovSV
「沒錯,我就是──」331Please respect copyright.PENANA0AiUO2pXAo
331Please respect copyright.PENANAItY9KqOQxA
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:331Please respect copyright.PENANA7wLhC9NhDW
331Please respect copyright.PENANAZqkksfdOis
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」331Please respect copyright.PENANAweGQGJcqua
331Please respect copyright.PENANA3M6c4P91mM
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:331Please respect copyright.PENANAMnNasA5P1g
331Please respect copyright.PENANAev4mhWST85
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」331Please respect copyright.PENANA2dEVcYShsC
331Please respect copyright.PENANAZZY0T5xy47
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。331Please respect copyright.PENANAtsS2mni2wI
331Please respect copyright.PENANAHclviyK95i
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:331Please respect copyright.PENANAifHLfeadY3
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「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」331Please respect copyright.PENANAP2b7Pe7dRC
331Please respect copyright.PENANA2rPwfYIr1I
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。331Please respect copyright.PENANA2ccyAL4L1O
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像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。331Please respect copyright.PENANARtMMOWjzHa
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主線劇情:331Please respect copyright.PENANA4a6Zimktri
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主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。331Please respect copyright.PENANACtp8AUuBBU
331Please respect copyright.PENANAlOQLROTo2d
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。331Please respect copyright.PENANAmKCKIyEN5d
331Please respect copyright.PENANASULGP6qyCv
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。331Please respect copyright.PENANAA9V0fB53qB
331Please respect copyright.PENANAgAJQg6JsuC
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:331Please respect copyright.PENANAxE0oBXrjOk
331Please respect copyright.PENANAFhVdxSIIHU
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)331Please respect copyright.PENANAj7Z9Yu7UTU
331Please respect copyright.PENANA6gsdhy0VTf
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)331Please respect copyright.PENANAVnLFpnMo0d
331Please respect copyright.PENANAv9YKiXVgcc
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)331Please respect copyright.PENANA3vKTs47Ksf
331Please respect copyright.PENANAyEQX1PyNlT
331Please respect copyright.PENANACuwrIAkZqA
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。331Please respect copyright.PENANAWPgohJESrq
331Please respect copyright.PENANAdIF4NptYTp
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:331Please respect copyright.PENANAaV7J8y7Hi7
331Please respect copyright.PENANAWlmj3GZFJY
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。331Please respect copyright.PENANAz3WErSHT4y
331Please respect copyright.PENANA8dY10mt8Q0
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。331Please respect copyright.PENANAOzvafq5bgU
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那麼差不多是這樣。331Please respect copyright.PENANAktwPiEXIzL
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331Please respect copyright.PENANAYIaZcPSTJs
331Please respect copyright.PENANAtoMgmZVvRx
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。331Please respect copyright.PENANA3H1pOY0M1Y
331Please respect copyright.PENANAzVIMfR00Qo
總之加油吧。
331Please respect copyright.PENANA7Z0p4gV899
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
331Please respect copyright.PENANA31pYHS5eve
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
331Please respect copyright.PENANAeYptNSCm4O
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
331Please respect copyright.PENANAyV52S3Tj7h
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
331Please respect copyright.PENANAk8XJ9arnkd
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。331Please respect copyright.PENANAmoxo86gxU5
331Please respect copyright.PENANABxgYryXSOL
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」331Please respect copyright.PENANAj8ofLzHLOS
331Please respect copyright.PENANARRrFEwC45E
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。331Please respect copyright.PENANAue982fKDVH
331Please respect copyright.PENANAQLlkAQA74V
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:331Please respect copyright.PENANAs1284rVyoG
331Please respect copyright.PENANAmJmqukmCDa
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」331Please respect copyright.PENANA1C3vYHQhZH
331Please respect copyright.PENANAT00IhrWCbw
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
331Please respect copyright.PENANAM3KXjlwf7B
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
331Please respect copyright.PENANADIPeyHW0Og
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
331Please respect copyright.PENANALq88NXWjCO
主角:俊明331Please respect copyright.PENANAJ0yksrb05C
331Please respect copyright.PENANAp3G4iln7H2
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)331Please respect copyright.PENANAN1ma3XqC3u
331Please respect copyright.PENANAt7wPzb4cLh
331Please respect copyright.PENANAIrFUbwgyd5
主角現狀:遭人排擠331Please respect copyright.PENANAuhe5NGFb01
331Please respect copyright.PENANAGCGeJ4Fa9f
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
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有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。331Please respect copyright.PENANAtxc9bRZE9e
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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