幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
357Please respect copyright.PENANA8PXoV4oaqn
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
357Please respect copyright.PENANAesrTozqsms
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
357Please respect copyright.PENANAO9RKvEL5L5
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
357Please respect copyright.PENANANVpKtkwN6z
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
357Please respect copyright.PENANAd3QMduINZ3
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
357Please respect copyright.PENANAiCapep3KGW
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
357Please respect copyright.PENANAB2mk3JSnWI
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。357Please respect copyright.PENANAvQOLTTJXY3
357Please respect copyright.PENANA1WmEVCWrga
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世界觀:357Please respect copyright.PENANA5F4aEFGpeG
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本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
357Please respect copyright.PENANAmbpjezPskI
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
357Please respect copyright.PENANAF0uS2rdHmR
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
357Please respect copyright.PENANASb2o3lsNtX
357Please respect copyright.PENANAToVX8Hms6l
劇情細節的提醒:357Please respect copyright.PENANAxLXcJ4BW74
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a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:357Please respect copyright.PENANAG6PcNpgzjh
357Please respect copyright.PENANAkfIM8yIYnc
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。357Please respect copyright.PENANAEQa8bw0h1Q
357Please respect copyright.PENANAbNiPVrcdz1
參考網站:357Please respect copyright.PENANAyAsL11Tyqa
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html357Please respect copyright.PENANAiH0lD9B5UP
357Please respect copyright.PENANAT3xacynvaa
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b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。357Please respect copyright.PENANAiNz5VDZNIR
357Please respect copyright.PENANAjBYQfe0DyD
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。357Please respect copyright.PENANAycRXWeFrFV
357Please respect copyright.PENANAOwbbPNY1rR
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c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。357Please respect copyright.PENANAZwusF1ZKv5
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角色:357Please respect copyright.PENANAubsviLZR0u
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以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:357Please respect copyright.PENANATjDh4l5Ky1
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主角:俊明
357Please respect copyright.PENANA2VEW4c3vxI
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)357Please respect copyright.PENANA8GU6uzhAaS
357Please respect copyright.PENANAgT3tbvmBQr
主角現狀:遭人排擠
357Please respect copyright.PENANAeLwgUWXXg0
奉翊:357Please respect copyright.PENANAPLNp9GfXB8
不擅長飛行。357Please respect copyright.PENANA0Uvvuf34nt
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。357Please respect copyright.PENANAevuJ4G6DTr
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對於角色整體的感想:357Please respect copyright.PENANA38ajytcquY
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目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。357Please respect copyright.PENANAqXXuJ0F0X5
357Please respect copyright.PENANALFFdYrcBJq
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。357Please respect copyright.PENANAi5Tfo6opcg
357Please respect copyright.PENANAUCrfQV7S56
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:357Please respect copyright.PENANAEG2wPtMiKX
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原作:357Please respect copyright.PENANAwBROsy9jhM
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俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388357Please respect copyright.PENANAc2aVXsQat8
357Please respect copyright.PENANARxlD2a2Is7
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)357Please respect copyright.PENANAAfynovAC1Z
357Please respect copyright.PENANAytT4VsMxbr
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):357Please respect copyright.PENANAeBsKXchZrB
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調整後:357Please respect copyright.PENANAqYO2AXBiyq
357Please respect copyright.PENANAdtnUdZpg3u
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。357Please respect copyright.PENANA1oeyKdqJlm
357Please respect copyright.PENANARdAdspwrnM
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。357Please respect copyright.PENANA0AiRV9Zo7T
357Please respect copyright.PENANAUh3szSC2gS
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。357Please respect copyright.PENANA9OWfjZzp5V
357Please respect copyright.PENANAMT3FiPncI0
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」357Please respect copyright.PENANAaDpKO610Vv
357Please respect copyright.PENANAmvOzlWLCs2
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。357Please respect copyright.PENANAwuASRdPJmx
357Please respect copyright.PENANA41awqQ1pu8
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:357Please respect copyright.PENANAXanMNzRL3w
357Please respect copyright.PENANAXSXZXxDLXc
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」357Please respect copyright.PENANAkD4KOQ0USn
357Please respect copyright.PENANAX9fRF8k2kP
查喀比茲?那是什麼?357Please respect copyright.PENANAc2mxYZzfFt
357Please respect copyright.PENANAWNDO7oWpmo
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:357Please respect copyright.PENANA3jbT1wKLnY
357Please respect copyright.PENANAinWG8dhKmq
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」357Please respect copyright.PENANAx907o2fHuz
357Please respect copyright.PENANAiOlAhVR27X
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。357Please respect copyright.PENANAeNy7dptkhl
357Please respect copyright.PENANAerzhK2I66N
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」357Please respect copyright.PENANAsQTp5NYUbb
357Please respect copyright.PENANAraeqE0zuL2
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。357Please respect copyright.PENANA5d9bh3soqz
357Please respect copyright.PENANApG1cez0xUv
他進一步解釋道:357Please respect copyright.PENANAByUfi8FHOo
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「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」357Please respect copyright.PENANAEY3sNuglFd
357Please respect copyright.PENANA5ueGjHUVxo
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:357Please respect copyright.PENANAjJLFCpCJTT
357Please respect copyright.PENANADYFU08RrhA
「查詢,查喀比茲。」357Please respect copyright.PENANAF91GKtrxn2
357Please respect copyright.PENANARSS4WI7wQU
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。357Please respect copyright.PENANAuDqxwPFYY4
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「──查無此項結果。」357Please respect copyright.PENANA63mOPRo4Dj
357Please respect copyright.PENANAB5MdjhR75H
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。357Please respect copyright.PENANA7w0qD505xz
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「啊啊!」357Please respect copyright.PENANAgsPXOxeObV
357Please respect copyright.PENANAeR8b53PxoE
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。357Please respect copyright.PENANAAfuSD9OKgt
357Please respect copyright.PENANAaCO9WfKbbe
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」357Please respect copyright.PENANAxK10FIAjzY
357Please respect copyright.PENANAe9f9AeH18Z
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:357Please respect copyright.PENANAXLIMP8cCMy
357Please respect copyright.PENANABKM5MX0p6n
查喀比茲。357Please respect copyright.PENANAqVHlmCiE6H
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給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。357Please respect copyright.PENANAoDeaMb3qk3
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螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。357Please respect copyright.PENANA6yjQ492PWB
357Please respect copyright.PENANAv8149ZzEpy
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:357Please respect copyright.PENANAMLzRjRwcEN
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「你、你、你……該不會──」357Please respect copyright.PENANABf2lO4vBKx
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「沒錯,我就是──」357Please respect copyright.PENANAILR6wngtC7
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男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:357Please respect copyright.PENANALibIHpTZW1
357Please respect copyright.PENANAjoNz448R50
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」357Please respect copyright.PENANASDn4CmYi6u
357Please respect copyright.PENANAldXym28thp
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:357Please respect copyright.PENANAcVRVFia1Cr
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「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」357Please respect copyright.PENANADehkX9EPCc
357Please respect copyright.PENANA1hVkrnnSIW
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。357Please respect copyright.PENANA2MAAL7NGye
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俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:357Please respect copyright.PENANAIxoR70pv2o
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「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」357Please respect copyright.PENANA1OJP4w1ogb
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但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。357Please respect copyright.PENANAURLiQBUaFx
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像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。357Please respect copyright.PENANACQgEESziVa
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主線劇情:357Please respect copyright.PENANA7dmH6Zhqxt
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主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。357Please respect copyright.PENANA6kNRu3E7VO
357Please respect copyright.PENANAI4CAuF0VML
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。357Please respect copyright.PENANA3GB39A7KIj
357Please respect copyright.PENANAc4onWV2nhC
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。357Please respect copyright.PENANAf7NnLo9Nfb
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而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:357Please respect copyright.PENANAGZxNlVrWq4
357Please respect copyright.PENANAf8YPLkMQhe
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)357Please respect copyright.PENANACvNDCG37Xm
357Please respect copyright.PENANAAkr3wrjHcg
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)357Please respect copyright.PENANA0Khwg54kFo
357Please respect copyright.PENANAypsaXbjgsi
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)357Please respect copyright.PENANAkw5YGfFXJf
357Please respect copyright.PENANAxfmE7zUWD2
357Please respect copyright.PENANAbyGxcRBqdy
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。357Please respect copyright.PENANA4tIl6gKiUh
357Please respect copyright.PENANAzI8eF3K20O
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:357Please respect copyright.PENANA5TxyOQB93q
357Please respect copyright.PENANAc93Rn0uBiA
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。357Please respect copyright.PENANAEU4PPmT6JK
357Please respect copyright.PENANAkzi16eSVmN
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。357Please respect copyright.PENANAjAcHVWX6js
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那麼差不多是這樣。357Please respect copyright.PENANAPXppXBZAb5
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關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。357Please respect copyright.PENANAZFODuG575m
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總之加油吧。
357Please respect copyright.PENANAOrnYpvOjxv
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
357Please respect copyright.PENANAhslIq1m8nP
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
357Please respect copyright.PENANATqDfgtJmSS
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
357Please respect copyright.PENANAR1Wt5fUSkS
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
357Please respect copyright.PENANAMdMDflXJpt
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。357Please respect copyright.PENANA4E6lDv3Y9H
357Please respect copyright.PENANA9ypvmhvRtv
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」357Please respect copyright.PENANAQZQBvQqnKw
357Please respect copyright.PENANAxJLQBayWjj
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。357Please respect copyright.PENANA8SJAQrlYLT
357Please respect copyright.PENANAsxRB1xiGbY
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:357Please respect copyright.PENANAacPWKVgG02
357Please respect copyright.PENANAKEWKXLInVY
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」357Please respect copyright.PENANAIFIWWtyt4X
357Please respect copyright.PENANAYdFCacQJOV
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
357Please respect copyright.PENANAvyHGtHDufr
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
357Please respect copyright.PENANA55F0SGmiNP
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
357Please respect copyright.PENANAhD6uDDOniT
主角:俊明357Please respect copyright.PENANAx8a9FWweBC
357Please respect copyright.PENANAh5zkDvTuDA
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)357Please respect copyright.PENANAaV0RU27kGJ
357Please respect copyright.PENANAR6Bt6hkP69
357Please respect copyright.PENANAHxilitAMUS
主角現狀:遭人排擠357Please respect copyright.PENANA3GR8akD8Jh
357Please respect copyright.PENANAElvX6B5Vl9
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
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有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。357Please respect copyright.PENANAVFSaRCb9hc
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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