最近我將涼樹的《王座騎士》讀到最新，接下來會挑一些部分跟大家分享。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaEtM4LJI2f
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先從角色說起好了。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlJE4bX1xFj
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裡面我比較喜歡，而涼樹也比較認真刻劃的角色很明顯是親王殿下。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlwZwf3WY8q
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明明身為親王，卻有著疑似暴露狂屬性，加上還會在危機時挺身而出，算是裡頭很用心經營的角色。同時，我很喜歡本篇章結束時，女主跟他的互動變化。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0RbbYVRL7b
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但反過來說，其他角色就刻劃得很不明顯，也沒什麼記憶點。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjbZCbXFUZs
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在劇情主線下，女主角幾乎沒什麼變化(除了本章最後跟親王的互動之外)，這點是一大硬傷。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrgBcTLVaVC
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關於這點，第一篇章因為主角比較抑鬱，所以整篇都維持在這種氛圍之下，因此會比較勸退讀者。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfFD4VAxJRj
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個人認為，本章的重點在於親王挺身而出，保護了御風，讓她稍微敞開心房，因此讓兩人關係改善。不過，在親王救御風時，這個御風的心境變化並未加強刻劃，因此會顯得有些突然，且沒抓到重點的感覺。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF2ms3W8PYM
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另外，在劇情上，敵對的角色一下子就被撂倒，感覺御風只是稍微露個兩手，對方就招架不住，鋪陳許久，最後一下子就解決事件，有點少了什麼的感覺。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdj69QL5f1o
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我認為在貓貓這點很有巧思，不過在敵人塑造與劇情設計上，會因為敵人太弱而顯得張力不太足夠。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTZ4CHNVPno
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而在女主角的設計上，真的感覺不出她是女生。給人的感覺就好像抑鬱的青年。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwZQuGenV3F
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或許可以針對女主角本身可愛的地方多加描述或是設計，當然，她可以個性不好，可以抑鬱，但肯定也有弱點或是可愛的地方。這點真的非常重要。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLpUU4piWHF
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親王在高貴的身分下，卻是個有著暴露傾向的青年，由於這點是個很大的反差，會讓人有記憶點。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHTeGAZK2lq
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而女主角的設計也能從這個思路著手。她可能個性嚴謹，但在某個方面卻沒輒，或是有什麼古怪的堅持或癖好，都是可以發展的點。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwfdVV0XnXs
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目前的刻劃下，她比較接近於一個空殼，稍微缺乏了人味。我是這麼認為的。當然，在送玫瑰花那段有所改變，多了點人味是好的。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqzWp0NMlGH
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而在摯友角色方面也是，雖然從她跟親王的對戲，知道她其實想要保護御風，但在讀者看來，還是缺乏了什麼，因為也缺乏了她跟御風等人對戲的鋪陳、相處橋段。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZMI5YKfrJ6
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到下一次見面，他們已經是要託付和送禮，因此會顯得有些突然。讀者沒有跟上這股情緒。另外，當她遺失禮物時，也並未刻劃出焦急的感覺(當然可能是我漏看了)，所以會顯得讀者帶入感不足。劇情卻逕自發展下來的感覺。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKwfGX4G83v
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然後是世界觀呈現。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHOwTxStuoX
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在介紹高塔時，我的印象是涼樹利用御風跟親王的對話，來帶出相關介紹。如果有記錯，我先說抱歉。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFHlJHEOAXn
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利用對話來帶出世界觀是動畫之中常見的鋪陳手法，雖然這個手法也能用，但這多半是用在主角視點不知道世界觀的情況下使用。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcnk2sk0Rw1
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倘若主人翁知道這個世界的背景，直接用小說常見的敘述法帶出就可以了。這樣會顯得更加直接，也能顯的比較完整。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ94ciAbk85Y
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否則台詞一大堆，卻還是講不清楚，會顯得十分可惜。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGEHl5U7LAZ
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而目前的戰鬥，給人的感覺好像是，御風啟動身體的魔法。然後出招。就沒了的感覺。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4HROz5Uapw
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倘若還不習慣寫戰鬥，可以先從特色著手。起碼把特色作出來。像是她出招時魔力會出現玫瑰的光、身體出現啥紋路，或者召喚出什麼幫助戰鬥的東東，先弄出個特別的東西。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvzuWVHbGWp
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搞不好，還能跟貓貓連動，後面出個組合技。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuGlxNUoYrV
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個人認為，倘若要增加整體的爽快感（除了戰鬥鏡頭之外），在劇情設計上可以些微調整。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYE4p2i2ERq
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首先，女主角一開始嚴厲反對要成為親王的直屬騎士。理由可以自己想。以此創造劇情的衝突點。然而，儘管女主角不想成為直屬騎士，但在女王的要求下，依然妥協陪同親王出第一次任務。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNWASS8cWW8
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兩人關係超級不好，但是透過這次事件，他們拉近距離。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4H9I7rXe4D
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這樣劇情張力會更大。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp3gItInPsV
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而在跟朋友的對戲中，或許兩人曾經有了矛盾，但內心其實很擔心對方。我知道原作中有這類想法，但我覺得可以更加強描寫這點。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfgkxyfoeMB
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接下來是行文。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ11jBmV4rY9
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整體而言能知道涼樹想表達什麼。不過有些地方，主要是心境描述，有時會寫得繞來繞去，有時又會缺乏描寫。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5lQFgzsccR
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所以可能還得再拿捏一下。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS65BSgiwR6
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不過，在高塔內設備面板、樓層的描述上十分清晰，這點我很喜歡。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9y2HcYLUho
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所以整體而言。就是幾個要點。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfdelxm4l65
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第一，劇情設計上，可以多想想「變化」。從喜歡到不喜歡。從冷淡到熟悉，從結怨到寬恕。這樣的走法才能拉出劇情張力。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwEJOJGEuW7
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第二，角色方面，多利用反差，塑造人味。像是前面舉過親王的例子。女主角可以嚴謹，但或許可能在某個地方脫線，或者對戀愛很遲鈍之類的。其他角色也是按照這樣的邏輯設計。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk7ej6SndZa
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第三，行文上，世界觀倘若是女主角知道的事情，直接敘述出來，或是對話提到時，用描述句補充就行了。不用刻意開一場戲來講世界觀。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGG2F44XZnB
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同時，在心境描寫上，要著重刻劃重點。特別是女主角應該要多講一點。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR2bOb0SyH5
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以上是我讀完第一篇章的看法。可以參考一下。
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下列為後面補記： 327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhbfIw7le8G
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當我讀到目前的更新，也就是最新的篇章後，我對這部作品老實說是充滿期待的。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTk4RGZrWET
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在作品一開始，抑鬱、內向，對人不敞開內心的騎士御風，因為各個事件，她交到了朋友，有了能並肩同行的夥伴，以及跟過去的因緣達成和解。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkJ3qxy58W2
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在劇情概念上，我認為涼樹想表達的，正是這種細膩，且不易描繪的情感。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKSUEVpfvhQ
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而這樣的目標亦是目前的我也無法達到的領域，因此在這方面，我對涼樹的理想和對於作品的堅持，懷抱一股敬意。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqckKFmqi58
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那麼，差不多是這樣。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDHpdukaTYm
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有興趣的讀者，不妨試著讀一讀。327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMswpA3Wpgw
327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS0FnXjFE2Q
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penana.com/story/57690/王座騎士
