幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
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趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
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那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
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本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
150Please respect copyright.PENANAkR1MqaMBgT
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
150Please respect copyright.PENANAjId9rIArF2
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
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接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
150Please respect copyright.PENANAQi8un89tcd
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。150Please respect copyright.PENANAe9BeNv6EJ9
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世界觀:150Please respect copyright.PENANAzcygUfy0RX
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本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
150Please respect copyright.PENANA7jFpNJBuaF
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
150Please respect copyright.PENANAZrdVrdvd4g
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
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劇情細節的提醒:150Please respect copyright.PENANA1Jgxkz3rPW
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a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:150Please respect copyright.PENANAFA0ubargnU
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少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。150Please respect copyright.PENANAhnS0JbAgjY
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參考網站:150Please respect copyright.PENANAFUUaGzVPdg
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html150Please respect copyright.PENANAACw6gXKH7I
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b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。150Please respect copyright.PENANAy4xu7cw5my
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例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。150Please respect copyright.PENANALkVBIOUeob
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c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。150Please respect copyright.PENANAJlieIL4Vhe
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角色:150Please respect copyright.PENANA9l5XDXKxcG
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以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:150Please respect copyright.PENANAdna6ibgxYI
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主角:俊明
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懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)150Please respect copyright.PENANAdDlAQf1N7y
150Please respect copyright.PENANAf2Lto2xJlg
主角現狀:遭人排擠
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奉翊:150Please respect copyright.PENANAR1a70frV9W
不擅長飛行。150Please respect copyright.PENANA0ODarrpGaN
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。150Please respect copyright.PENANAvm13aLi5mj
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對於角色整體的感想:150Please respect copyright.PENANAvdKKKwGl1s
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目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。150Please respect copyright.PENANAQyqtWffIcL
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在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。150Please respect copyright.PENANAruokYrJe2u
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這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:150Please respect copyright.PENANALSP2lWe1Wq
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原作:150Please respect copyright.PENANAbUklimFYUz
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俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388150Please respect copyright.PENANAx0TqFVjbY6
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(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)150Please respect copyright.PENANANRep7C4x8D
150Please respect copyright.PENANAOxsBaZIE4D
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):150Please respect copyright.PENANA3yxVXUVp1M
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調整後:150Please respect copyright.PENANAUoC4fsotPa
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俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。150Please respect copyright.PENANASlBZahofvQ
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男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。150Please respect copyright.PENANAAa7Bzh9Nlv
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對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。150Please respect copyright.PENANAuCcsqMXGOJ
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「你就是葉俊明嗎?」150Please respect copyright.PENANAQoLpEpYFxv
150Please respect copyright.PENANAfzq5Guuixm
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。150Please respect copyright.PENANAeaadM3evmD
150Please respect copyright.PENANAIg0EpFMDwM
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:150Please respect copyright.PENANAwg2egF380R
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「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」150Please respect copyright.PENANAmAeURxuvLq
150Please respect copyright.PENANAUKqF66MPDD
查喀比茲?那是什麼?150Please respect copyright.PENANAj7R5OKHwML
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一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:150Please respect copyright.PENANALa5wt5cShx
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「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」150Please respect copyright.PENANAoOLBzKYbZr
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俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。150Please respect copyright.PENANAJQt14ntSoJ
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「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」150Please respect copyright.PENANADdX6e1rFKU
150Please respect copyright.PENANAhehLlksvOF
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。150Please respect copyright.PENANAKq2n9QOiEL
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他進一步解釋道:150Please respect copyright.PENANAETB1qGH6x9
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「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」150Please respect copyright.PENANAe9LQDAuDRK
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說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:150Please respect copyright.PENANAUr5M8Hg8iE
150Please respect copyright.PENANAoHSXX4Sbky
「查詢,查喀比茲。」150Please respect copyright.PENANAvzQ9jb6mMD
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難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。150Please respect copyright.PENANAalpiOvnpzK
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「──查無此項結果。」150Please respect copyright.PENANArIR2StW9h0
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然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。150Please respect copyright.PENANAt7ej0Bi8L3
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「啊啊!」150Please respect copyright.PENANAxShkj3bcnz
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吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。150Please respect copyright.PENANAsIL3IrhWTd
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「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」150Please respect copyright.PENANA2ObKOUZM5T
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即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:150Please respect copyright.PENANA0Lw52fh7nI
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查喀比茲。150Please respect copyright.PENANAlztuUlw1uI
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給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。150Please respect copyright.PENANA6iauJuUJSD
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螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。150Please respect copyright.PENANAmkJiRCcKSa
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但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:150Please respect copyright.PENANAuPRgF4D9h3
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「你、你、你……該不會──」150Please respect copyright.PENANAofv9x7wamR
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「沒錯,我就是──」150Please respect copyright.PENANAJ5AJqOFwln
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男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:150Please respect copyright.PENANAHs3VWj1B4d
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「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」150Please respect copyright.PENANA8nMGJNyNwq
150Please respect copyright.PENANApIJC5uYoVT
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:150Please respect copyright.PENANA6w4OFUauDg
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「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」150Please respect copyright.PENANAuQMDY2QN51
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說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。150Please respect copyright.PENANAbn3bXW02nO
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俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:150Please respect copyright.PENANAchOcFUhfPJ
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「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」150Please respect copyright.PENANA59LqQ4ClUM
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但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。150Please respect copyright.PENANAvcdDLfdK39
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像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。150Please respect copyright.PENANA2V314LD3X8
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主線劇情:150Please respect copyright.PENANAs1JpVpq0vG
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主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。150Please respect copyright.PENANAlxK0Fuu6cZ
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以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。150Please respect copyright.PENANAoZeImPjrBt
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那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。150Please respect copyright.PENANAK1MOdDeXW7
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而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:150Please respect copyright.PENANANWbDYueUUr
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懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)150Please respect copyright.PENANAx1DR95ZSba
150Please respect copyright.PENANAUWOZHwC2Vj
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)150Please respect copyright.PENANAGcUeH2Nvuc
150Please respect copyright.PENANApV44yO2gAE
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)150Please respect copyright.PENANAlKy9eTAtYb
150Please respect copyright.PENANAVavg5cdnUR
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如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。150Please respect copyright.PENANAuYiABBi8Om
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因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:150Please respect copyright.PENANATqyukIbM5m
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成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。150Please respect copyright.PENANArjPZUTliBF
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在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。150Please respect copyright.PENANAzZRU4010U5
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那麼差不多是這樣。150Please respect copyright.PENANAt9imA2RrVZ
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關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。150Please respect copyright.PENANAiYd6BRhfX3
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總之加油吧。
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已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
150Please respect copyright.PENANAtzLSyPzWOp
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
150Please respect copyright.PENANASFV7RELcbf
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
150Please respect copyright.PENANA9bGVUTYBK4
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
150Please respect copyright.PENANAYVf3IaGxtC
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。150Please respect copyright.PENANA2Z0RS5WgP0
150Please respect copyright.PENANAidfdU26vVs
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」150Please respect copyright.PENANAFk5ZLKNKcJ
150Please respect copyright.PENANAKpMdqus2RC
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。150Please respect copyright.PENANANQ5wiAjEWK
150Please respect copyright.PENANAz8TjLFKK36
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:150Please respect copyright.PENANAfYlMKCI4qt
150Please respect copyright.PENANALeUiysxUSW
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」150Please respect copyright.PENANA4t9ocr5drB
150Please respect copyright.PENANAQ5xmmUK42Y
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
150Please respect copyright.PENANA2w9rfpgTFJ
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
150Please respect copyright.PENANAfqqHjZqCKi
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
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主角:俊明150Please respect copyright.PENANAgE9OuQqzfF
150Please respect copyright.PENANABQwlqWkqhn
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)150Please respect copyright.PENANAfeqiCSZyf1
150Please respect copyright.PENANAv8Qf6i8imx
150Please respect copyright.PENANA5HagnBu3zf
主角現狀:遭人排擠150Please respect copyright.PENANAQsf5oaUS1d
150Please respect copyright.PENANAWkKnw8JZ0V
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
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有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。150Please respect copyright.PENANAj9oi1C3lGA
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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