幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
332Please respect copyright.PENANAii2bqpzKs9
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
332Please respect copyright.PENANAIcMdAWxT3A
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
332Please respect copyright.PENANA7eOUoroTz3
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
332Please respect copyright.PENANAvvcXz5i3LP
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
332Please respect copyright.PENANAqArlACuFzv
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
332Please respect copyright.PENANA63NAzT0afU
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
332Please respect copyright.PENANAyZgBwfbxel
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。332Please respect copyright.PENANAbuRSoXbCft
332Please respect copyright.PENANA24EyMrInvd
332Please respect copyright.PENANAhPGc4UUqWy
332Please respect copyright.PENANA4NSkea0H8F
世界觀:332Please respect copyright.PENANAPDWxzJyMSv
332Please respect copyright.PENANANliUxUTD5A
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
332Please respect copyright.PENANAodLKtMhi0y
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
332Please respect copyright.PENANAcSMPsNqnfR
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
332Please respect copyright.PENANAx1GvybxXux
332Please respect copyright.PENANAmwix2eXbNN
劇情細節的提醒:332Please respect copyright.PENANArLGiC9yK2U
332Please respect copyright.PENANAKSHkyHscDS
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:332Please respect copyright.PENANAhk0p0hTu18
332Please respect copyright.PENANAJnw2jVKTxB
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。332Please respect copyright.PENANA4ryXm6iGX6
332Please respect copyright.PENANA2FKRW0RbID
參考網站:332Please respect copyright.PENANAhkyJsczODp
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html332Please respect copyright.PENANAlFJH5VGEMb
332Please respect copyright.PENANA6juz1hKUAp
332Please respect copyright.PENANAw1bgBe72jW
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。332Please respect copyright.PENANAMa7xln6LW6
332Please respect copyright.PENANA5L5A1JdVtB
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。332Please respect copyright.PENANAoI1C6uuTSt
332Please respect copyright.PENANADKMWQpke1R
332Please respect copyright.PENANA6tvOoLYSZu
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。332Please respect copyright.PENANAYCS49OAesu
332Please respect copyright.PENANAiOjSuaJ24r
332Please respect copyright.PENANAu4KyyFsPNn
角色:332Please respect copyright.PENANA8bZACGvhdG
332Please respect copyright.PENANAVkYVddVfaC
以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:332Please respect copyright.PENANAb4rzOt6asP
332Please respect copyright.PENANACJDxuGMDWu
主角:俊明
332Please respect copyright.PENANAsLgtHn1upa
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)332Please respect copyright.PENANA2tH5OsVn0U
332Please respect copyright.PENANA5a1fwI42d5
主角現狀:遭人排擠
332Please respect copyright.PENANA9c30KQxk2K
奉翊:332Please respect copyright.PENANAng9WMLoOuy
不擅長飛行。332Please respect copyright.PENANAM5OGm9ECsh
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。332Please respect copyright.PENANA6Gie3KcKOo
332Please respect copyright.PENANAxzYJQu0dis
332Please respect copyright.PENANAnzFRcxGoet
332Please respect copyright.PENANAPPO4a80EGB
對於角色整體的感想:332Please respect copyright.PENANA23NooCFrNx
332Please respect copyright.PENANAvPZDrlRNqy
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。332Please respect copyright.PENANA9X4ZWmCeyf
332Please respect copyright.PENANAUgH5sOkVQn
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。332Please respect copyright.PENANANpkzJxBxtx
332Please respect copyright.PENANALUVdqJfXkV
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:332Please respect copyright.PENANA3iqkz59Z2T
332Please respect copyright.PENANAQ1iOyz806r
原作:332Please respect copyright.PENANAiAeJANe4ti
332Please respect copyright.PENANAd2ykpukWY6
俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388332Please respect copyright.PENANADcnZ8hher1
332Please respect copyright.PENANAD44QKPuaFU
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)332Please respect copyright.PENANANiJGDkGbf3
332Please respect copyright.PENANAtVJ3obsWUB
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):332Please respect copyright.PENANAPY4ITSEOA6
332Please respect copyright.PENANAcpgUFPKSJh
調整後:332Please respect copyright.PENANACEkRSyjXyw
332Please respect copyright.PENANAHTmXIlT78y
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。332Please respect copyright.PENANAB01XurK2Dp
332Please respect copyright.PENANAOKNktEI5mt
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。332Please respect copyright.PENANA51TZjCkqlb
332Please respect copyright.PENANAk3kHvYQpuy
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。332Please respect copyright.PENANAcp6UuMjVKN
332Please respect copyright.PENANALbanrYG2nH
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」332Please respect copyright.PENANA8mY4p0AQ1G
332Please respect copyright.PENANAwPVXn6upr0
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。332Please respect copyright.PENANAtOpiD4v8U4
332Please respect copyright.PENANAiYaLpL5WiI
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:332Please respect copyright.PENANAXdYgblo8Tj
332Please respect copyright.PENANAkjp8pEfMjU
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」332Please respect copyright.PENANAAGImtM83iK
332Please respect copyright.PENANAISUCIbtPAC
查喀比茲?那是什麼?332Please respect copyright.PENANAGBGOV4aicZ
332Please respect copyright.PENANAUZoFwJkbHL
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:332Please respect copyright.PENANAn5r5Qqsreh
332Please respect copyright.PENANAlhieEM77G5
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」332Please respect copyright.PENANAn9NX5xxzTR
332Please respect copyright.PENANAjTM2qXt973
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。332Please respect copyright.PENANAO5L2fuEiNq
332Please respect copyright.PENANAsgrveFvVNe
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」332Please respect copyright.PENANA61ZPiYnvgr
332Please respect copyright.PENANAsNyI5zkF4X
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。332Please respect copyright.PENANAnjdsmvFR5m
332Please respect copyright.PENANAasccQh5v1l
他進一步解釋道:332Please respect copyright.PENANAFbRdlJ6Y8D
332Please respect copyright.PENANAHGYHS6ZCax
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」332Please respect copyright.PENANAXQaYOlWJU3
332Please respect copyright.PENANAT9T4ZSHusi
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:332Please respect copyright.PENANAdXXZ2aaIVm
332Please respect copyright.PENANAhFkYMF44vC
「查詢,查喀比茲。」332Please respect copyright.PENANAwRD1RxSXk1
332Please respect copyright.PENANAoQQPDf4o2w
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。332Please respect copyright.PENANAYINUmJ4U0j
332Please respect copyright.PENANAp7TXZOZnf6
「──查無此項結果。」332Please respect copyright.PENANAQlqaK2HdBN
332Please respect copyright.PENANAwY6UMoBzRd
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。332Please respect copyright.PENANAWrGEdIYAQL
332Please respect copyright.PENANAqSJ9W3xtQk
「啊啊!」332Please respect copyright.PENANAMFuGASl0Uz
332Please respect copyright.PENANAoS3C3pTRVa
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。332Please respect copyright.PENANAxF65G4d02X
332Please respect copyright.PENANA7ZpMHbUjDB
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」332Please respect copyright.PENANAJr801FV7u2
332Please respect copyright.PENANATZCvd9QbH8
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:332Please respect copyright.PENANAV8Gq8vmnFJ
332Please respect copyright.PENANAet6v3hNnBM
查喀比茲。332Please respect copyright.PENANAGHvpGMrD3X
332Please respect copyright.PENANAt6bbTW0LTE
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。332Please respect copyright.PENANAJqJUhYCazA
332Please respect copyright.PENANAHt0yMD5iI1
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。332Please respect copyright.PENANA8jfeRaEv5C
332Please respect copyright.PENANAkwjxhq17x0
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:332Please respect copyright.PENANADLcfGJH2Mi
332Please respect copyright.PENANA0hf4iosK5X
「你、你、你……該不會──」332Please respect copyright.PENANAwIc7PzI45A
332Please respect copyright.PENANAlACy1lbwev
「沒錯,我就是──」332Please respect copyright.PENANASm7fkf7YUu
332Please respect copyright.PENANAE3aizaChkO
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:332Please respect copyright.PENANAvp3Gner6Y1
332Please respect copyright.PENANA1vvmyzUvSZ
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」332Please respect copyright.PENANAQhGfJDnisl
332Please respect copyright.PENANABhlzggLbpG
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:332Please respect copyright.PENANAT0uhfFEoUz
332Please respect copyright.PENANA4LZF8DSPkX
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」332Please respect copyright.PENANAyAv2WuNjmT
332Please respect copyright.PENANAHEHaCTxuFe
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。332Please respect copyright.PENANAfIEoZC1Fo6
332Please respect copyright.PENANAAL2BFyU1uK
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:332Please respect copyright.PENANAfgVuokybiQ
332Please respect copyright.PENANAiWnhCfSn1t
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」332Please respect copyright.PENANAuTNXFWL2E1
332Please respect copyright.PENANAYsByKtpqIP
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。332Please respect copyright.PENANAnsl7fdabD1
332Please respect copyright.PENANAzVBFOeKHrH
像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。332Please respect copyright.PENANAGRXrkdA75j
332Please respect copyright.PENANAUlPeXqwEyV
主線劇情:332Please respect copyright.PENANABxtmD4tUK8
332Please respect copyright.PENANAkmeVy0KtfP
主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。332Please respect copyright.PENANAkC435q2tzE
332Please respect copyright.PENANAG9YfkkLy96
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。332Please respect copyright.PENANAVxCJWX6u2t
332Please respect copyright.PENANAZ2Sw2C52Xz
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。332Please respect copyright.PENANAcSE9glGY6G
332Please respect copyright.PENANA8xQuG2isg5
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:332Please respect copyright.PENANAKXpdJ9AYT2
332Please respect copyright.PENANAxt3GQK5tVb
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)332Please respect copyright.PENANAWBmk1lPWyb
332Please respect copyright.PENANAmmQWBpNb3I
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)332Please respect copyright.PENANAjqSnuS7UPi
332Please respect copyright.PENANAZ3SmCCZrt4
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)332Please respect copyright.PENANAeaOOgZ3D4N
332Please respect copyright.PENANAPL3R1A73Mh
332Please respect copyright.PENANAOjJoGXVS0h
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。332Please respect copyright.PENANAD1oWlSKGjm
332Please respect copyright.PENANADByaKKnKuD
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:332Please respect copyright.PENANAUpRoOtl003
332Please respect copyright.PENANAK4bZQraEyq
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。332Please respect copyright.PENANALuge9N0Q78
332Please respect copyright.PENANAMFBIT4RcdZ
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。332Please respect copyright.PENANA7wMq8aetnN
332Please respect copyright.PENANAgU9QWTNpMh
那麼差不多是這樣。332Please respect copyright.PENANA1cm8QgNudf
332Please respect copyright.PENANAypAd3580Fz
332Please respect copyright.PENANAVfyn0DXpes
332Please respect copyright.PENANAm4OuMJUE0V
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。332Please respect copyright.PENANA3fZ3cIhHI9
332Please respect copyright.PENANAC8wMT0JfPs
總之加油吧。
332Please respect copyright.PENANAAPJcH4CIf4
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
332Please respect copyright.PENANAM2ClqyHDLt
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
332Please respect copyright.PENANAjDvAHkxpmZ
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
332Please respect copyright.PENANAfwspyHDxHM
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
332Please respect copyright.PENANAh8rJhoNswY
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。332Please respect copyright.PENANAMEo6Io9yRW
332Please respect copyright.PENANAIisbK2r2Or
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」332Please respect copyright.PENANA4BRjAui1kV
332Please respect copyright.PENANARQC56NIdcf
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。332Please respect copyright.PENANAiWpw8aXK3i
332Please respect copyright.PENANAy669Bvyq8l
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:332Please respect copyright.PENANAUHwbfm7Fnd
332Please respect copyright.PENANAiGdJ62YJPq
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」332Please respect copyright.PENANAoOdP3a4UHz
332Please respect copyright.PENANABuoK9aNFTw
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
332Please respect copyright.PENANAjKHhDzMaH4
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
332Please respect copyright.PENANAznyAi09oMV
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
332Please respect copyright.PENANACRtD0STL9n
主角:俊明332Please respect copyright.PENANAhZfoI00rrf
332Please respect copyright.PENANAup18LFYBNF
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)332Please respect copyright.PENANAdKtVLphmed
332Please respect copyright.PENANAYqSx3P3SIM
332Please respect copyright.PENANApYu1NW7O05
主角現狀:遭人排擠332Please respect copyright.PENANAksj28xwM6A
332Please respect copyright.PENANAxv6ttG4eBB
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
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有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。332Please respect copyright.PENANAweiVXSI9UE
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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