前陣子,讀完鈴鈴卷的《真神轉生》,來跟大家分享一下心得。175Please respect copyright.PENANAgr5cbURKQv
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整體來說,故事挺有趣的。會想看女主角又得到什麼外掛,跟陸哥之間會有怎樣的發展。175Please respect copyright.PENANASRMgsgHzP7
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對於新角色高瑞淵和松勇的設計也蠻讓人記憶深刻的(一個像是跟蹤狂,一個像是偏執狂)。175Please respect copyright.PENANAgSZW70i6Tv
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我覺得鈴鈴在設計人物上很有巧思。175Please respect copyright.PENANAXpA3Nt6WCw
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硬要說的話,本作的行文有時會不太流暢……句子與句子之間的邏輯關係有時會跳脫一下,不過這也只能靠臨摹和自我覺察來調整了。175Please respect copyright.PENANAj2GKAgEmzX
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另外,在主線上可以更明確一點。175Please respect copyright.PENANAQLyTNFmVk8
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女主角要修練,就得有個理由,看是要加強生存,或者像現在這樣,準備救人。175Please respect copyright.PENANAo2TqZSAGFK
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而在故事發展上,可以針對女主過去跟那個朋友之間,到底為何變得關係親密,那位友人對她來說是個怎樣的存在,往這方面描寫。175Please respect copyright.PENANAwHidW4teYA
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先用劇情(看是要回顧,還是在見面時鋪一下)刻劃了兩人的關係,然後再強化救人的點。175Please respect copyright.PENANA45gBUH7ZFD
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而在過程中,女主角的能力想必不夠,這時再刻畫她怎麼變強。而在這之中,女主角有哪些改變。175Please respect copyright.PENANASfkI5yJDTD
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根據我對女主角的理解,她不相信別人。那麼是不是後面的某個任務,或者在救人時有個重要環節需要團隊合作,需要相信其他隊友。175Please respect copyright.PENANADljMHdgEt9
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而女主角作出改變。她將部分擔子交到他人手上,然後專心面對眼前的敵人。175Please respect copyright.PENANAFb9kA5ugXL
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而這也使得她的能力、法力變更強,有所突破之類的。175Please respect copyright.PENANAXfurfWpxMB
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而關於第二個重要角色,陸哥。175Please respect copyright.PENANANWeV527e1B
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目前給人的感覺是,他被捲入爭權奪利,並且正在尋找某個靈。同時,還被人施加了蠱毒。175Please respect copyright.PENANAAjRDmNFUIC
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可以在某一段更清楚描述他後面的打算、目標,以及面對他目前的情勢有什麼想法。175Please respect copyright.PENANAOA3mcAR7B1
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我似乎也沒看到陸哥想解毒XD 這中間感覺有什麼不對勁。175Please respect copyright.PENANAtaEKZpJV59
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另外,在他跟那條龍的互動上……雖然兩人無法直接互動。但或許龍可以用其他方式幫助他。175Please respect copyright.PENANALJC8Rmpt0w
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像是有敵人來的時候會感應到,或者有什麼其他協助陸哥的手段。175Please respect copyright.PENANADp4ljpqS86
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總之,就是確立各個人物行動的主軸。有時光靠對話沒辦法補充到的,需要用說式寫法補充,強化人物的背景跟行動的連結。175Please respect copyright.PENANApYTkPnZ4hI
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換言之,就是動機、行動。需要好好表示出來。這樣會比較能讓人抓準這個人到底想幹嘛。175Please respect copyright.PENANA010AzLu7EJ
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而在出現許多登場人物的長篇故事裡,用說式鋪設人物背景和心境、行為動機,就是蠻重要的點。175Please respect copyright.PENANAO1v2Z55HSL
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如果每個都要用演的,有時反而會演不清楚。需要掌握敘述跟演出的平衡。175Please respect copyright.PENANAnQcBiF9sY7
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另外,稍微補充一點。175Please respect copyright.PENANABFlihfPCwi
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由於劇情稍顯散亂,可以將某一段劇情規劃為同一個篇章。175Please respect copyright.PENANAnxV0C4Mlt6
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(以下都我隨便舉的)175Please respect copyright.PENANA56REr1OQFM
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例如:175Please respect copyright.PENANAmHQQ5utzMU
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〈軍校篇〉女主角的目標是隱藏身分,並修練到初始境界,然而,正當她準備渡劫時,身分卻忽然曝光,因此迎來戰鬥。
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〈陸哥解咒篇〉不知什麼影響,陸哥的蠱毒忽然發作。同時,女主要跨越新境界,需要取出陸哥身上的毒蟲。恰好此時,女主聽聞到新的解蠱情報。為了逼出毒蟲,女主前往新的境地。175Please respect copyright.PENANAKbcBJ2gt2q
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〈皇位篇〉陸哥康復後,朝臣大為震驚。而支持他的貴族也變多。這時,跟陸哥競爭皇位的某皇子偷襲陸哥,女主抓到這名刺客後,逼問出他們打算藉著陸哥身上的神器(龍爺)來搜尋鳳靈的下落。175Please respect copyright.PENANAniyKhsbX6y
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傳聞中,同時得到龍靈和鳳靈的人可居皇位。在女主的逼問下,龍爺終於說出隱藏已久的情報,女主為了讓鳳靈強化自己的寶書,竟然願意幫助陸哥前往搜尋鳳靈。175Please respect copyright.PENANARQCGGxCbat
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像這樣子,讓每章的重點都扣在一個主題上,觀眾也比較懂這段在講什麼。175Please respect copyright.PENANAO3ovwasmmh
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目前原作的走法,原以為會過上軍校生活,結果忽然開始得罪人,然後逃亡。其實會比較沒有記憶點,可以參考看看。175Please respect copyright.PENANAXv6JUKiBll
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上述的舉例,鈴鈴能發現,女主角跟陸哥都會有動機,以及行動。將這樣的主軸抓好,故事走向會明確很多。175Please respect copyright.PENANAYu3Px83duY
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當然,女主的功力要在哪個階段成長,都可以自行規劃。175Please respect copyright.PENANAMRpXugnptL
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大概是這種感覺。175Please respect copyright.PENANAYrohWCNG3G
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有興趣的讀者歡迎讀讀看。175Please respect copyright.PENANAnX6xOh8XEE
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