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• 🧠 Grey Matter •210Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN2goanLmBf
210Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr9gYt3GyHo210Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH7067jsxP2
Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never harm me... What a load of old bollocks that is. One of the worse types of pain you can ever experience and inflict is those as a result of names and words. I'd happily take someone sawing my legs off while I lay conscious, over those nasty, constant nagging stabs caused by names, especially that one in particular.
"What was that name, Guy?" Those words continue to kick me while I'm already down a week on from when they were spoken.
"Her name?.... Her name fits her like I want to fit into her life..." That lingered for days like a serious burn that severely stung, as my skin twisted into blisters. But it didn't pain me nowhere near as much as what was said after her name was out.
"...What else would it be, other than Stella? Because she is stellar..." Every time I find myself in that moment, it scorches me alive, leaving me charred and brittle.
My knees buckled when hearing her name out loud from my own mouth, the same effect she had on me. Weak and helpless. I kept my shit together as I knew Gabrielle would pick it up and pull me on it.
"What does Stella's name make you feel?" Gabrielle just had to ask that didn't she. She tried to make it sound like such an innocent thing but she knew exactly what she was doing.
Everything, that's what. Her name symbolises my everything. It stands for every fucking thing I want but can't have, love and hate. The air this fuck wit breathes and my reason to continue doing so, yet it's also part of the cause as to why I struggle for it. The reminder of her is the equivalent of your muscles tearing from a good workout. Agonising, but damn, worth every ounce of suffering.
But with everything that's worth taking a bullet for, punctures and sores are always bound to follow. You don't get everything you want in life. If we did, we'd all be laughing and counsellors such as Gabrielle, wouldn't be required. Did I tell her that? Probably not, and I was sure as the hell that scalds my soul, I weren't telling Gabrielle that either. So, you know what I did?
I turned away from the window and looked Gabrielle dead in the eye. My hands buried themselves in my pockets as my feet scratched at the flooring, as though telling her not to cross the line, like a wolf kicking up dirt.
"..Nothing... I feel nothing." I fucking lied... again. Every time I revisit this, those guilt ridden blisters burst open, the rush of pain relived all over again as the words hit like air on a fresh wound.
"Your words are telling me one thing but your eyes are telling me another." Gabrielle made a statement as strong as that tea's pong she'd brewed. She took a sip before she added sugar to her notion;210Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJRcPKPhnMf
"As I've already said; the more you share the better you'll feel, but I'll put this question to one side for now." The cup reunited with the saucer with a tap on its base, before she slid it to the side on the table, just like she had that question, apparently.
My feet dragged themselves as my body headed to the armchair as though they had foreseen what happened next. They scuffled back before I overpowered them and showed them who was in charge. I grabbed at the arm of the chair as I fought the tornado whipping up inside me and collapsed into the seat. My head rested on the back of it as I stared up at the ceiling, unprepared for what was gonna be put upon me next.
"If you could go back to the night you met her, would you?" Gabrielle curiously pinned that one on me, as though to nail me down.
I harshly lowered my head to savagely stare at her. That's a question I've been asking myself constantly since I met her. You'd think by now I'd have an answer. Think again, this is my million dollar question and I won't be hitting the jackpot until I can finally answer it. Would you wanna relive something that sets you on fire and puts you out? Loses your breath yet finds it? Or to put it bluntly; aches and soothes?
Breathe Guy, Breathe.
"..Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer." I rumbled as I rose to my feet, yet inside I crumbled into a ball.
Gabrielle's experienced eyes followed my ascent to meet mine. The wrinkles on her face crumpled which defined the spell of disapproval sprayed upon it.
"There are no stupid questions, Guy." She peacefully countered, as her hands remained folded in her lap.
I pulled back my sleeve and read my watch. My lips mirrored the sleeve's movements when the watch kindly pointed out what time it was.
"..Time's up, Gabby chops." A wry grin stretched over my cheek as I tapped the face of the watch in hers.
Before she could come up with some smart arse response, I showed myself out. Grabbing at the handle, I made my exit and I didn't look back once...210Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGHAuq4f2iX
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"Guy?" Gabrielle's tone brings me back to reality, tumbling through a tunnel. I blink and realise where I still am.
Three, two, one. 210Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3D5NIfbADr
Fuck sake, I'm still here.
"Did you hear me? How do you feel after last week's session?" Patience embroidering each word into a pretty and condescending quiz.
Back to this crap.210Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlkbKjmUlj5
Breathe, Guy.
Like shit that's been trodden in, been around the block a few times and scraped on the edge of a pavement. Crap that's been spread out of shape and left to be reminded of the piece of waste it is, left to decay and stink up the place. Whisky isn't drowning it, cigarettes ain't killing it. Walking isn't clearing it, no matter how far or long I wander the streets. Lost, both physically and internally. Limbo, that space between knowing and not knowing. Do I care or dare to? Fuck off...
"..Just dandy." Sarcasm reeking my tone, while my thumb and index finger connect into a circle, as the rest of my digits relax away from my palm, implying everything is ok.
Coward.
Gabrielle's face stays straight despite the smirk cracking on mine.
"You can't keep running, Guy. At some point you're going to hit a wall and the only way you're getting through it is by opening a door." Her eyes linger on mine as she deals a poker face.
My eyes roll as now I'm acquainted with the terminology she insists on using, believing it's gonna egg me on. Using the same trick twice never works...
"...Same shit, different toilet. Happy?" I shrug my shoulders at her as do my voice and face.
It's half true. Nothing has changed since last week's session. Apart from the days rolling into another shitty week, and the fact that now, her name and all the other crap I associate her with, pricks my scars and cuts new ones. Heh.. who the fuck am I kidding? That's nothing new. Just her name lashes finer and deeper ones.
Gabrielle lets out a sigh and ignores my question. Instead, she levitates from the armchair opposite me, tucking her hands behind her back. She ambles her way over to a small table that houses her precious kettle and tea cup. Gabrielle unlocks one of her hands from behind her back and flicks the switch on the kettle, barely touching it. The kettle starts to simmer, spitting at the mouth as it reaches boiling point, before it hums to cool itself down.
"What happened next? After the night you met Stella?" Gabrielle still with her back to me, but her question is direct and straight to the point as though she's in my face.
That name again. Doesn't matter how many times I hear it, her name still makes me flinch as it crushes my skull and punches that muscular organ in my chest to a pulp. My hand finds itself on my brow as I bury my discomfort within it, incase Gabrielle can see me with the set of eyes she may have on the back of her head. Wouldn't fucking surprise me if she's bewitched.
I fucking breathe again.
Breathe Guy, breathe, you mug.
Praying to a god I don't believe in that I'll choke on it. But by the time the hope of that being my last breath rises, the reality that it isn't and ain't gonna be any time soon, sinks heavily to the depths of my chest. My head removes itself from the shelter of my hand and my eyes throw daggers into the back of Gabrielle, who is now stirring her tea. How appropriate, the stirrer is stirring. My legs spread apart, shifting my balls and cracking my knuckles, as they tell me its time to get down to business. Time is money after all.
"..Not a lot. But she did plague my mind..."210Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlsNGpPFYzZ
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That weekend and the week after it, merged into one, long arse day. Each morning started the same; my alarm would disturb me, I'd tell it to fuck off, slamming my fist down on the snooze button as I scrunched a pillow over my head. With what seemed like only a minute's peace, the alarm would nag me to get up again. I would dump the pillow, kicking it out of bed and to the floor, with a flick of my arm.
I'd sit up and stretch my guns while yawning my arse off. After my muscles agreed with my body's wake up call, I got the fuck out of bed, took a piss, shower, et cetera. But after that night my daily ritual was fucked up. I found myself back in that moment, as I stared into the bathroom cabinet mirror with a toothbrush hanging out of my gob. Stuck in that one I didn't grab, where I swallowed my tongue and chewed on it like gum. I shook it off with a few turns of my head and mindlessly wiped the toothpaste dribble away, that had gathered around my chops with the back of my hand.
What the fuck was that about?
I didn't think much of it back then, thought it was curiosity bitch slapping my brain into mush, and not that I was taken by her. As a creature of habit, her popping up in my brain annoyed the living crap out of me, leaving me with more questions than answers each time. I didn't know her but yet why did I find myself wanting to? I shared conversations with the milkman, you didn't see me sitting there thinking; what's good old Roger up to now?
Regardless of my newfound insanity, I went about my day as usual. I made myself a coffee; black, no sugar, 'cause y'know I'm sweet enough, stirred it three times clockwise and another three anti-clockwise, to ensure that fucker was well and truly beaten. I ended my blending tradition with a few firm spanks on the rim of the mug with a teaspoon, as it let out a pleasurable clink.
With a piping, hot mug in my hand, I trod my way over to the quiet corner of my living room, where the solid walnut desk straddled on all fours, arched under the heavy load of paperwork that rode its back. Before I took my place in the dark leather seat, I smoothed my hand along the edge of the desk, as though it was gonna buck.
My fingers flexed as my neck cracked, while my hands were eager to get to work on the mass of paperwork, compiled of bills, stock takes and requests, spread over the top of it. With the mug in my left hand while my right tried to find a starting point, my eyes assisted in the search by reading over each sheet it picked up aimlessly. I brought the mug to my lips as it steamed at me to get on with it, while I tried to make sense of what my hand was flagging. It's hard to draw a line under the things you want and those you need.
Frustrated, I let out a grunt, which was meant to be kept private, before my right hand viciously scraped over my jaw, dragging at skin. The lack of attention resulted in my left slamming down the mug, making it spill it guts. I got this feel I couldn't shift, as though something was stuck rotten in my tooth, my tongue dug at my molar as I attempted to pick at it. Exasperated, the pair met at the nape of my neck and linked their fingers into their designated slots as I leaned back in my seat.
Before I knew it, I was lost again. My mind was anywhere but in my work. With my head slanted back, which caused my Guy's apple to feel more prominent as though it was gonna rip a hole in my throat, I gazed up at the high ceiling.
To anyone who had been in the room with me would of assumed I was staring into space, deep in thought. The sad truth was, my mind was in deep, exploring that universe that was her eyes. On a mission to try and figure out what was beyond those greens and golds that sprinkled throughout her irises. I drifted in the hues that orbited a ring around the darkness of her pupils, in the same manner she had me on that fucking dance floor.
Do I enter her thoughts?210Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaSIuSI1SzH
Do you hear yourself, Guy?
That was the first time I had heard that voice. I didn't dwell on it, as in my head space, I was still at the bar with her, hiding in my whisky. Then the next, I was being swept off my feet as she guided me to the floor, like the star her name suggested.
You did nothing.210Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvyd1eMJtyi
You're an insignificant speck of dust in her eyes.
In a blink, her orbs contorted into that atmospheric shower of fear they became on that night the weekend before. Followed by my pathetic attempt to stop her leaving as she spelled out her name. The lack of my actions, resulted in the everlasting image of her frightful flee, not looking back over those shoulders at me.
Is she still running scared?210Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡroNLnPpqGk
Why the fuck do I care?
Before I could go after her, I fell out of my head and flat on my arse, as my phone broke out into song. Not registering where my mind had floated off to and why I had this blank space, I sat up straight as my hands returned to the desk with a thud. My eyes narrowed as they scrutinised the racket my phone was creating, trailing the surface of the table until they landed on it.
Jiggering about as though it was gonna piss itself with excitement, flashing that caller ID selfie the twat took and assigned himself with. His tongue hanging out like a dog with a disturbing wink taking place, the name "Adler" displayed on his forehead. That prompted me to change it to "Dickhead" at some point, for my own amusement.
Pissed I was going out of my mind, thanks to the constant interruptions, my hand made its way down my face before it decided to lash out and snatch the phone. My feet snapped and marched their way over to my front door as my hand remembered to grab the keys from the side, before I made my way out of the door. Slamming it shut behind me as though I was never gonna walk though it again and locking it and the thoughts of her away, I pounded down the concrete steps and out onto the street.
Blinded by the light the sun emitted, I shielded my eyes as they squinted to adjust to the brilliance of the daylight. There wasn't a cloud in sight fogging the view of the cobalt stratosphere, probably 'cause they had drifted into my grey matter. Despite the glory the sun was trying to flog, it was still nippy enough to need a jacket. I regretted leaving my hovel without one, as goosebumps from the wintry, spring breeze settled under and within my skin.
Removing my hand from my brow, I peered down at the phone as I pocketed my keys using the other. Sliding my thumb along the phone's screen to silence it, I brought it my ear and instantly wished I had bit my tongue.
"..'Sup." Tightening the bolts that had come loose upstairs.
"WHASSSUPPP!" I held the phone away from me as though I wasn't in its company, before drawing it back to curse my eardrums again.
"About bloody time, dude! What were you doing? Playing with yourself?" Just by Reece's tone I knew he had his tongue out with the in cheek comment.
"..I have plenty of takers grabbing that opportunity, heh... with both hands." A droll grin blessed my lips down the phone, after my indecent snicker.
"Your mum doesn't count, geez." Reece got brave from behind the phone, as his pitch showed me he was sporting a sneer.
"..Don't give it if you can't take it, Adler." The grit in my voice more palpable as I chewed over the "yours does" comeback. I would of said it but he would of bitched out if I had dragged his old dear into it.
"You'd definitely be the giver when playing for that team." He creased up laughing, as I heard a banging on the other end. I assumed it was his hand but wished it was his head.
"..It's all in the delivery, for fuck sake. Remind me to make new mates." I was blatantly unamused in my response as I side-eyed my phone.
After Reece had managed to regain himself, he rattled on about some crap and Lau. Then more bollocks and back again to Lau. It was like a bloody news bulletin of Lau's fucking movements. The girl could of taken a shit and he would of told me about it. Thank fuck, that ain't me. He continued to bend my ear, as my feet hacked their way down the high street. Almost giddy to be out and about, parading the streets as they slapped the pavement. Reassured to have something real under them, unlike my brain that kept going into a world of its own. Little did my feet know, they hadn't made it out of the clouds yet.
Sidetracked by my fine self and my gracious footfalls that passed each shop's front, the high street continued to buzz with life around me. Combing a hand through my onyx barnet while I checked myself out in each pane of glass, the deeper I absently crawled into my mind, the further the distance grew between, Reece's chatter and my ear canals. Stopping dead in my tracks as I caught a flicker of familiarity in the window, lowering the phone away from my ear and down to my side as I processed what the fuck was going on.
Tilting my head as my face screwed up in disbelief, while I dissected what was before me. Inquisitiveness had got the better of me as I tried to gather my marbles. My feet clumsily tripping over them, they stepped to it to get a closer look. It was plain to see, my state of mind had escaped and was now standing before me within the transparent sheet.
The mental image of her had followed me outside and was reflected in the glass as clear as day, as though she was right there next to me. Still with my mouth slightly a jar, the harder I stared, the more vivid the illusion of her became. The mirage that was her throwing a wink while she fucking smiled at me, projected within that alternative universe, as it conned me into believing our worlds had collided once more.
Was I the reason behind that smile?
I turned on the spot as people carried on living and breathing around me, like the blood cells pulsating their way through my arteries, as I clogged up the pavement. I looked about my person, twisting my head left and right sharply, to ensure both the streets and my mindset were clear of her and she'd not overheard that dumb question. Breathing out in relief as I clamped my hand over my chest, when finding I was shot of her. Releasing it as my lips puckered into a smouldering pout when I stumbled upon the fact, I had lost my fucking mind. I was about to start searching for it when Reece called my name, which sounded like it was being transmitted from another planet.
"Dude! You coming Saturday?" My hand shot to my ear in time to hear him ask something that I had clearly missed.
"..What?" Still processing what the fuck had just happened.
"Dunc's party. You coming or what?" I guessed he had already asked that, as he struck as being blasé.
"..Sounds like the perfect distraction." My response spacey, while I was still, somewhat, away with the fairies.
"Huh?" Reece's tone was the spitting image of him; thick and full of confusion.
I hung up so I didn't have to answer why the fuck I said that or the div I had just said it to. I aggressively shoved my phone in my pocket, as though it was to blame for the grey areas clouding my mind. I took one last, irate stare at the empty window, not buying into the fact those grey shades mattered as much as the black and white ones, while I wished my head was the same. I convinced myself that the only reasonable explanation for it all, was that I had suffered a blow to the membrane, which formed that dapper curl on my lips. Heh... whatever kept me smiling.
Contented with my reasoning for going out of my mind, my hands dived into my pockets not wanting to take part in the madness. My feet happy once again, they clipped at my ankles and strode off. Hoping to get lost in the crowd, leaving those questions behind and with any luck, her too...210Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2KjlHBboZ9
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