This next part will explain the repetitive dream sequence involving the combination lock previously mentioned. I’ve experienced a lot of betrayal from those I shouldn’t have throughout life. Some have apologized, some haven’t, and some have tried showing they were sorry through other means rather than saying it verbally. I can’t say this for certain, but I like to give the benefit of the doubt to others, so with that, I honestly do think my dad has tried over the years to apologize, in his own, unique way. For years, while we were trying to mend things, and whenever he’d experience health concerns, I was there as much as I could be for him. Things didn’t stay cordial between us for long before we once again became estranged.
One Christmas Eve, we were celebrating with that side of the family when my dad decided to make a joke about my mom. If someone were to have made this joke about his mom, he’d have been outraged — but made a joke about my mom while I was seated next to him. I quietly turned to him to ask him to please not to say things like that about my mom, just while I was around.
He um — he, he wasn’t happy. He stormed out huffing and immediately blocked me on social media. This wasn’t the first time something like this happened, so we continued the festivities and Bryce and I went to my mom’s that night, as per our tradition.
By this time in my life, I had finally started sticking up for myself more, and caring less if the people who gave me hell, have a problem with me shutting the door on that toxicity. Later that night, after all had been said and done for several hours, proving he stewed over something he would have done for his own mother. That night, I received some extremely harsh text messages from him — words contained in them are ones that a father should never say to his daughter, or a parent to their child, no less. I ignored and didn’t respond to the messages because I wanted to give him time to cool off (because that’s how I am, too). I guess he didn’t like that, since just a matter of hours later, on Christmas morning, he called to tell me that he didn’t love me, and never had.
As the amazing Little Mix lyrics go, “That one hurt me, I’ll admit.” I already felt like my father didn’t love me my entire life, but this just drove it home, ya know?
I debated sharing the texts word-for-word in this, but there’s no reason to. It wouldn’t change anything. I’m the type that you could stab me in the back and I’d still apologize for getting blood on your knife. Know your worth, even more, know when to walk away.
I’m so grateful for my husband. I honestly have no idea what I would do if I didn’t have him in my life and is truly my best friend. He stuck up for me with my dad when all this drama transpired, and I am so glad I have him in my life.
Let’s go back to the combination lock dreams. After I officially cut ties with my dad, the dreams stopped. I have always been big into dream interpretation, and this one was no different. I later learned that forgetting a locker combination could mean that you are unsure of your place in a situation, feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself and likely indicates that you are reluctant to fully express yourself, and/or you are in a learning phase that’s “testing” your mettle.
I had to look that one up, I’ll share the definition of mettle with you in case you didn’t know prior to this, either. Mettle, not the element, is a person’s ability to cope well with difficulties or to face a demanding situation in a spirited and resilient way.
This told me all I needed to know about why I kept having these dreams over-and-over again with no sign of stopping — to stopping suddenly with no warning.
Maybe next time, I’ll try using a dreamcatcher.
I want to clarify that I don’t want to seem like I’m bashing my dad by any means. My dad is my dad, always will be. I’ve always loved him even if he tells me the opposite, and always will. I just know that his actions had consequences that impacted my adulthood, and I’m just talking through them. His side of the family has reached out wanting to reconcile, but I honestly don’t know.
Maybe if anyone listening to this on the podcast or reading along in the book has a suggestion on how to handle that situation, I’d be inclined to hear them. He reaches out from time to time, and I’m civil back, but I’m very guarded with him still. I just can’t help but think after everything that has happened, maybe I should just leave well enough alone by leaving the past in the past.
