思覺失調症發病時,除了「幻聽」,我還有「幻覺」的症狀。夜晚是我最大的敵人,因為我能看見地獄的魔軍向我攻擊,而且情境如此真實。
黑夜悄悄降臨大地,一輪滿月,被幾朵黑雲遮住了半張臉,夜色冰清的夜晚,空蕩蕩的公寓內,悄然點著一盞小壁燈,微曳的暗黃燈光,寂靜淒黑之中,我正在浴室裡淋浴,全身塗抹著白色的牛奶泡泡澡,口裡哼唱詩歌,熱水呼嚕呼嚕的從水龍頭噴飛下來,灑在每一寸白皙的肌膚上,暢然無比。咦?霍地,一團莫名可怕的黑影從牆壁間穿飄了過來,筆直朝向我飛撲。我怔愕地一驚,放下熱水籠蓬頭,目不轉瞬地瞪大眼睛驚呼:「是誰?」
那一團不知名黑影如一縷黑煙直飄撲而來。
「喂!你是人?還是鬼?」我暗自喝道,心底有幾分戒心。
「咦?牠看起來不像人,也不像鬼,倒有幾分類似―――惡魔。」我心臟忽狂跳了幾下。
「嘿嘿!」牠從陰險的嘴裡冷笑了二聲。
天啊!看來大事不妙,魔鬼來訪。
從地獄陰界來的「死亡天使」竟大駕光臨,蒞臨本人寒舍,牠如西洋電影鬼片裡的恐怖裝扮,全身一襲黑色大斗篷,黑色的披風帽子蓋住頭與臉,只露出隱約可見的一顆白骷顱頭,黑色披風中迸射出一抹兇惡目光,手裡握著一把黑色鐮刀,面色陰森獰人,渾身圍繞著一股冷瑟寒氣,牠們成群結隊地穿牆越壁而來,這些巨大而可怕的東西,宛如一支大軍隊。霎那之間,天地之間的空氣瞬間驟變,瀰漫一股陰森恐怖的氣息,令人毛骨悚然,不寒而慄。
當下,我頓然大悟。
原來,西洋電影裡的死神並非空穴來風,而是「真有其魔」!
嘿嘿!罕見的「稀客」!
死神不請自來,所為何來?
「死亡之神」朝我步步迎面而來,牠身上散發來自地獄的死亡氣息,撲鼻而來的硫磺煙硝味道,真是臭死人了。牠不懷鬼臆地暗暗奸笑,模樣恐怖駭人。死神的意圖十分明顯,牠欲置我於死地。嘿!我怎能就此屈服於來自「地獄的使者」呢?看來,這是一場硬仗,一場靈界的爭戰,光明與黑暗的爭戰;善良與邪惡的爭戰;天使與惡魔的爭戰。看哪!一蹴即發。地球表面上無人能夠贏得這場爭戰,想要打敗魔鬼,除非倚靠至高無上的力量的介入。否則,人類只能處於被挨打的份兒,可憐兮兮的敗下陣來。
不!我絕不能輸 ! 不能 ! 不能 !
心裡盤算疑惑著:「如何才能打贏這場屬靈的爭戰?」
死神是一個幽靈,牠擁有意識、思想、判斷、能自主行動,來自黑暗的撒旦國度。牠能夠穿牆越壁,來去自如毫無障礙,物質界的東西阻擋不了牠、也傷害不了牠。你觸摸不著牠,更不可能傷害牠。倘若,人類用鐵斧頭砍向牠,也不過就像拿一把斧頭砍空氣罷了,根本無法對死神構成任何威脅,來自有形物質界的一切器物,都傷害不了死神。而人類也是屬於物質界的一部分,自然傷害不了牠一根汗毛。
只有靈界才能與靈界爭戰,無形界與無形界爭戰。
我匆匆用白色大毛巾擦拭乾身體,套上棉花睡衣,從浴室狂衝出來,跑到臥房之內。佇足有半刻鐘,冷靜思考,一雙銳利的目光本能轉向書架上的「聖經」,這是一本千年古老的智慧書,神秘又玄奧,許多奧祕至今尚未被人類完全解密。或許,這本書暗藏不為人知可以打敗魔鬼的秘密。
上帝說:「祂是光。」
唯有光,能夠驅走黑暗;唯有光,能夠戰勝黑暗。
思考了三秒鐘,我踱步至書架前,心裡頭盤算著:「要如何打敗死神?」
伸手取下一本聖經。此刻,心底有一個微小的聲音響起:「詩篇34章。」
本能地翻開聖經,十根手指頭飛快地跳躍翻頁,一雙黑色瞳球在密密麻麻的小黑字中迅速搜尋。不到三十秒鐘,詩篇34章印入眼簾。
「耶和華的使者,
在敬畏祂的人,
四圍安營搭救他。」
幾個斗大的字飛躍出來,立刻擢住我熱切的目光,腦子裡面突然有靈感閃現………我想起主耶穌在曠野受撒旦試探時,也是用神的話斥退魔鬼。倏地,我舉起雙手,引用此節經文,大聲斥責死神。宣告主耶穌十字架上的寶血大有功效,能夠遮蔽神的兒女,除滅魔鬼一切的作為。而我是敬畏耶和華的人,神的保護、能力、遮蓋會四圍安營搭救我,祂會差派大能的天使與天兵天將,如同火城環繞護衛我。
我不斷地用此節經文大聲禱告,並播放詩歌於臥室內,讓詩歌旋律伴隨我的禱告,助長爭戰的氣勢,以此擊退魔鬼。約莫一小時,死神結集的一支軍隊,慢慢地從牆壁上消失退去,消失在沒有月光的夜色之中。霍地,猛一抬頭,瞥見高大雄壯的白衣天使,就站在我身旁,祂威武的打贏了此場戰役,而我毫髮無傷。
然而,一波未平,一波又起。隨後又有另一類魔鬼造訪我,我稱牠為「咖啡鋼鐵人」。因為,牠全身上下均由一節一節咖啡色螺旋狀的鋼鐵而組成,身形細長,只有骨幹,沒有一絲一毫的肉體,眼睛、鼻子、嘴巴都是咖啡色鋼鐵製作的,身體畸形冷怪,行動矯健無比,能夠迅敏攀牆越壁,無堅不摧,無物不克,攻擊力相當強勢可怕。牠來自幽黑的地獄,算是撒旦手下的爪牙。過往,與黑暗靈界爭戰的經驗,讓我在靈裡得以曉知,在地獄的國度,階級分明,組織嚴密,分工精確,如同人間社會一樣。而這個咖啡色鋼鐵人在幽冥界,只是層級較低的小惡魔,法力還不算高強。即便如此,牠的殺傷力依然強大,只要被牠的一雙「鐵腳」輕輕踩踏過去,人類的肉身之軀,肯定被踐踏跺成「肉餅」,必死無疑。
人類的肉身之軀,如何抵擋堅固如鋼鐵的猛勢蹂躪呢?
當然不能!
何況,那一大群咖啡鋼鐵人,密密麻麻如一支大軍隊,從無窮向無窮延伸。
洶洶地猛朝著我的方向,像戰士迅敏攀爬而來。
牠們的一雙堅硬鐵腳「鏗鏗鏗」大步跨踩上來,
殘酷無情地踏平了地球表面上的活物,
決心置我於死的猛烈攻擊,
我絕不能束手就擒,一定要浴血戰鬥到底!
用什麼與之對抗呢?
拿刀?用劍?使槍?
此際,腦子裡閃過無數種殺人武器……
但這些武器有辦法打退這一大群的鋼鐵人嗎?
內心不禁懷疑起來……
牠們的「鋼鐵之軀」肯定是刀槍不入,
用刀、用劍、用槍,
傷害得了牠們嗎?
恐怕子彈也無法穿過「鋼鐵之軀」吧!
一切只是徒勞無功罷了!
「到底拿什麼打敗牠們呢?」心中喃喃不住地揣測。
腦子裡細細琢磨著,思來索去………浩瀚的大宇宙間,唯一能夠打敗強敵鋼鐵人的勝者,只有―――上帝。祂,能力至高無上,偉大無人能及,上帝身邊的高大天使,各個孔武有力,壯碩偉實,必定能夠為我征戰,想到這兒,我便不怕黑暗權勢的攻擊。因為,本人決定藏身在上帝的保護傘之下,不輕易出來應戰,讓大能的天使替我爭戰。
印象中,天使都是一群可愛的受造物,圓嘟嘟的紅小臉,一雙白色的羽毛翅膀,頭頂著小光圈,靈巧的飛來飛去。據我所知,上帝所創造的天使,各式各樣,階級分明,各司其執。其中,有特別為爭戰而造的天使,身軀其大無比,身長有十米高,手持武器,面目凶嚴,不容侵犯。根據聖經記載,「米迦勒」就是上帝身邊英勇的聖戰天使,他多次與古代波斯魔君爭戰,都被魔君攔截住了。最後,靠著基督徒不間斷的禱告,讓其它的援軍天使來到,才將波斯魔君給打敗了。
此際,唯一能做的就是隱藏在上帝的保護傘之下,讓上帝的使者―――大能的天使,起來為我征戰,遮蓋保護我。否則,以小女子的柔弱之軀,怎能抵擋堅如鋼鐵的摧殘?這是一場不對等的屬靈爭戰,雙方實力相差懸殊,若無上帝的保護,我必死無疑!
根據古籍的記載,天使與魔鬼的戰爭由來已久,戰況十分激烈。撒旦是背叛上帝的墮落天使,因為心存驕傲被趕出天堂,從天墜落於地。從此,由「光明之子」墮落為「黑暗之子」。撒旦的工作就是迫害人類,牠們以折磨人類為樂,魔鬼擁有可怕邪惡的力量,能夠使用巫術讓人們生病、發生意外死亡、家庭破碎、精神分裂……牠們在地上無惡不作,目的就是折磨上帝的受造物―――人類。為何如此?因為,撒旦恨惡人類可以成為上帝的兒女,享受天上大君王的恩寵與榮耀。牠們忌妒之心如怒火焚燒,成為邪惡行徑的藉口,行為令人髮指。
早在西洋油畫裡面,就有天使與惡魔爭戰的畫面,說明了天使與惡魔早已存在於這個世界,並不稀奇。只是我為什麼會看見牠呢?這難道是我的幻覺嗎?還是真實存在屬於靈界的事物?
當時的我認為這一切都是真的,我必須起來爭戰。
於是,我開口禱告:「主啊!住在至高者隱密處的,必住在全能者的蔭下,我要隱藏在你大能的翅膀蔭下,尋求庇護。求祢差派大能的天使來為我爭戰,打敗咖啡鋼鐵人,贏得這場屬靈的爭戰。」
約莫這樣禱告半小時,那一大群的咖啡鋼鐵人慢慢退去,消失在寂靜的黑夜之中。「呼」―――我總算鬆了一口氣。這算是我在屬靈爭戰中得到一場勝戰。
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這些算是「幻覺」嗎?說實話,至今我也不知道,不知道「死亡之神」和「鋼鐵人」是否真實存在?因為我相信靈界確實存在,而死神、咖啡鋼鐵人都是地獄界的靈體,牠們應該也是確實存在,就像上帝也是真實的存在,只是普通人的肉眼見不到牠們。至於我,為什麼可以看見牠們?並且與牠們近距離交手,這我也不得而知了。當然,我把自己的經歷告訴了精神科醫生,他們斷定這肯定是「幻覺」。精神科醫師絕對不會相信這些怪力亂神的話,他們只會把我當作精神病患對待,最後我也只能選擇沉默了。
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