Chapter Theme Music: Star Seeker ~ Unreal Gold OST110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡltB0oMzyIc
<01/12/2011 - 12:27 | Saffrin Middle School (Gym), Austell, GA, USA>
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In a place full of sweat, musk, and breath, my long exhale was the longest and calmest around me. In most gym classes, it wouldn't be possible. But here in Saffrin Middle, nothing here has changed, even though two months have passed since meeting Lumina. Wednesday: another school day, and for gym, another free-day. On the bright side, I won't have to duck out just to avoid a heathen sport. But on the downside, I don't have much else to do, other than slowly walk around hammering the same thoughts through my mind. I felt as if I could go mad at any moment, if I continue to think about her over and over.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIJsxdNwGnf
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"You seem distracted."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEsbdoBr3Ih
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That Lumina, is because I am distracted, more than I want to be this time. I've had my mind on this girl for so long now, it's becoming a montrum in itself. That's good enough to ward off UAD, but bad enough since I can't get her off my mind. "I just have a lot on my mind... I wonder if I can talk to her today." My eyes drifted over towards the very source of my chaotic state of mind, to a girl I know who shares this gym class with me; Ashly.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡciHIPpPai1
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"So it's her who's on your mind right now?"110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSxwDffwaq7
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It's not like I had any issue telling Lumina this. She and I trust each other now to tell each other almost everything, wherever relevant anyway. "Maybe if I stop being an idiot and just talk to her like a normal person, I could work out some of the knots I've had in these crazy dreams."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsOBl3pNTSz
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The dreams are key to the reason I can't get Ashly off my mind. For literally the past 30 consecutive days in a row, I keep having a dream with Ashly as the main subject. It's the same dream every time, with minor differences to detail. No sane man can randomly dream of someone for thirty days in a row and not have them on their mind like this.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS4VxyXvKty
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"Right... You told me this morning that you had another dream about her." I could tell something was a little off with Lumina today, something about her tone. She seemed a little bit annoyed, or bothered maybe? "But I don't know why."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8AYqoz8HzP
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"I do."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2V5oeUh1jO
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"You do?"110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDLIpU20jkO
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"Yes." At first, I was bewildered why I kept having the same dream, about the same main idea, and the same person every single time. It shouldn't be natural to have a recurring dream like that about somebody I don't know too well, but then I have learned things. "You showed me how to better read and understand people by observing how they behave, what they say in public, and what they might be thinking in private. The point is, I've gotten a little better at understanding my own subconscious desires. And after having nearly the same dream for a full month, I've had plenty of time to figure it all out."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡerxKgFngPD
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Before she spoke her mind, I felt Lumina slightly twirl her back foot a little, while her tone became ever so slightly nervous. "And what did you figure out?"110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡARqbUtNJKf
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"I want to extend the current relationship that I have with Ashly. As it stands now, we barely talk or say anything. But I want us to become closer friends, Ashly and I." It will make more sense soon enough, but I desire more interactions with Ashly of all people. That's why I'm having these dreams.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIbIHYLXWB9
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"Oh." Lumina sounded quite disappointed to hear me say that, but I failed to pick up on it long enough to remember, as my mind was sharply focused on the girl walking around looking all cute and happy.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ52nAFiB8zb
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The end of my dreams are important to this conclusion as well. "In all of my dreams, only minor details are what get changed around, but it always ends up the same way. I finally end up mustering up the courage to explain all of this to her in person. I finally tell Ashly, the first human being I'd involve with this, all of the Altiri secrets and what I've been going through." In all of the time I've known Lumina, I've told zero humans about her so far. At the same time, I've maintained many acquaintances while making nothing more of them. There is only one solution to my desire to make more friends in this life; I have to tell them the Altiri secrets. I'm more than some quiet boy who sits by himself in class all day! The truth is, I'm not really alone at all, but I still want human interaction as well as Lumina's. "The idea is, if she hears something super serious from somebody she obviously trusts with secrets, then she will realize that all I want out of this is a peaceful resolve." I say peaceful, because my fear is that she freaks out and panics about the whole alien aspect.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ49xgZ4RoQX
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"So then this is all still about making a friendship? I don't think you should go too far with this plan. Dreams don't work like the real life does, and you've probably spent more time with a simulated Ashly than the real one. I don't want you to get hurt Reed."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEIFHsHyteM
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So she isn't a fan? I've had Lumina tell me something was a bad idea a dozen times now, but I have my doubts this time. "I'll be fine..." Still, I can't deny what she said about a simulated Ashly. "But I get what you are saying. I know that the real Ashly is probably tougher to talk to than a dreamed up version. My heart is pounding right now just thinking about it. I'm so nervous!"110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGWam0HSPHu
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"You shouldn't be."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNOtLeAtLCp
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But I am. I've spoken to girls before, but never has it made me feel this on edge. Maybe it's because I'm about to reveal my most important secret to her. At last, I don't have to be the only one who knows about the existence of aliens anymore. "I'm nervous because there is still the chance that she outright laughs in my face, or outs me as some insane kid by claiming my imagination has gone too wild for her narrow vision of reality. If that happens, I don't just lose the potential of having a real human friend with her, but the ruined reputation would burn my chances with anybody else in the entire school too. You don't have to tell me twice about the negative consequences; this is dangerous."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpQfa9j9KS4
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"So don't do it. I just don't think she's worth it Reed."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUakbp4DecZ
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I'm glad Lumina is still worrying about my feelings even after explaining everything, but she's worrying too much. "I mean, Ashly is a bit on the weird side, and granted we don't talk that much... But that's only because we don't ever have anything to talk about. Telling her about the Altiri changes that."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ14B6dnQM5E
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"Ashly isn't the only one with the potential for making friends."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRrSFDw6kUG
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"I wouldn't be so sure about that. Banarus, Maddison, and the others wouldn't dare believe a word of it in their entire life. They're all too naive." Plus, I'm getting nowhere with those four, so it's time I became bolder.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNWbmaGNKOh
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"So what makes her any different?"110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIVFf1e0oWq
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"I don't know." She got me there. I feel like Ashly is different, but I'm not sure yet why.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmpVfvHVdzR
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"Well I do. You're all confused about the dreams you had about the scenario. I understand that these dreams all end in the results you wanted, but it's all just wishful thinking."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzTk1XM2we9
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"Come on now, I'm not giving up that easily. You're the one who taught me to go for what I want to go for... Oh crap! Here she comes!" I found myself just standing around, keeping my mouth mute to mask Lumina's existence, but I never expected Ashly to side-wind and talk to me herself.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWNVL4cl5sn
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"Don't warn me! I'm invisible to her!"110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ85P9Ov8HW7
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"Hey Reed. Whatcha doin? Looks like you're just standing around."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCNrzwqO9kF
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"I kind of am. I guess I was getting lost in my thoughts again."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHJqDwO218T
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With a whirling divine smile of cuteness, Ashly giggled slightly crossing her hands behind her back a little, as both of us continued walking together. "I do that all the time too. So, what were you thinking about?"110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpyBTcxHxVD
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"Well, uhm..." Man, now that I'm put on the spot, I don't know what to say or where to begin! I can't just come right out and say it! I need time to plan this somehow.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRGauJduffH
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"Go on then. Tell the innocent girl what's been on your mind for the past two months."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH7VQdBN1NU
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"Don't patronize me Lumina." "Well you see, it's kind of hard to explain... I... Uh..." I couldn't get the right words out. Looking at her face like this only made it ten times harder. My fear of disappointing or scaring her off intensified tenfold with her physical presence here with me. "Crap! I can't put my thoughts into words!"110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnuTFrs7VIB
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"Right... Oh, let's go play foursquare with the others." Ashly already started taking off to that direction without me, assuming I was going to just rush and follow her.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxrpjJpFiCd
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"Saved by the bell huh?"110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzFUnUMOJFC
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"No, that was just crashing and burning. Ashly did nothing but bail me out of my own stupidity." I took my time getting to the foursquare area, mainly because I needed to fix this somehow. I can't have Ashly being so random or casual about this. My secret is important.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXjlxuFug2n
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"Why is this truth telling game so important to you?"110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuu1Sj79b3b
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It was such a simple question, but her words stopped my feet in their tracks, letting Ashly get far ahead of me, though she noticed and gestured that I join when ready to. "I don't know."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTAJDK7HyEY
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"Was it really worth stopping over?" she asked, forgetting how poorly I divide focus from thinking and walking.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi6zYlXSSHj
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Why is this so important? I keep thinking I need to tell people my secret just for the potential of friendship to exist. But despite this, I only want to tell Ashly and nobody else... "Man, this isn't right. I shouldn't be so nervous talking about this, especially to a girl I already know."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9n2M5gIb7B
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"Whether you really know her is debatable... Look, I can only read the thoughts that you decide to project. So trust me when I tell you that I'm not omniscient. If you think something is bothering you, feel free to run it by me."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrQRrzYujpF
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Pausing to hear her words of infinite wisdom, I wound up disappointing myself in the end. How could I forget that I have the best person of advice right here before me? If there was anyone to trust about this, it's Lumina. "Okay... I think I'm beginning to figure this out Lumina. I just wasn't willing to admit it do myself earlier, thanks to the last pain I had to suffer."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVwpDHWsHPM
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"The last pain of what?"110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRtEh4y2oSM
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"Just look at me right now. All I see when I look at myself is a confused boy, fantasizing over dreams that he wants to become true all over one single event that happened to me. But my current thoughts are not about that at all. Things are different this time than before. My tongue gets all twisted whenever I'm near her."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2YtXAwAgaq
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"Uh huh?"110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡge4KZNfhAb
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I do understand it now. I've had these feelings before, even if they were not so intense. "I don't think I've felt this way about it before. But certainly, over the last month, I think I've developed a crush on Ashly!"110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ70pTIBcbg3
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"A crush?!" It wasn't just her voice, but Lumina's eyes widened with surprise.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnY3NT2wsim
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"Yeah. Just saying that sounds awkward." I tried to look away, as if I could somehow prevent Lumina from seeing my blushing face, but she knew anyway. We can't see each other's faces, but it's pretty obvious based on the little things we do in the connection that Lumina and I are both bothered by this in our own different ways. I assumed she was only shocked, but this was embarrassing for me to admit anyway.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpnZfeaUVbW
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"Well I can say I wasn't expecting that much..."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3aoAUMkfQD
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An awkward silence started to build up between us, and I knew it was my fault. "Sorry. I'm just now figuring all of this out. I've probably been in denial the whole time. The last disaster from Malica made me associate those kinds of feelings in such a negative way, that I never thought it possible I could feel this way ever again. But I was wrong, and I don't think Ashly is like Malica at all."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJJnnZkD9Fs
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"I think you should take a second look at Ashly." Even after my confession, I could tell Lumina doesn't seem to like her very much.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvZslHZaXsC
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"Why? I can't really find anything wrong with her, and I've been hanging out with her for over a month now."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO5P2jajzxO
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"But you haven't actually tried talking to her, I mean really tried."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMmNdRPHXj2
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That's true. I have hung out with Ashly, even in the real world, but I've only really spoken to her in my dreams. If I join her on a walk in gym class, I just silently and awkwardly stare at the ceiling, my words never coming out from my mind. I get so nervous that my heart beats faster and my body sweats profusely, and in the end, I can say only so little to her. "But that's what changes today. I want to talk to her for real this time, and I know just the subject to start. I'll tell her all the Altiri secrets, about your world, your race, and what I'm involved in."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEYpd30ofYa
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"Listen. Such a bold confession has nothing to do with romance Reed. If anything, telling her stuff like that should be the furthest thing from your mind."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfpxauPEADw
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"Why? Just because I'm not supposed to tell?" I get it now. It's not that Lumina hates Ashly. She just hates the idea of her secret getting out to others. But even if it's more about her than me, nobody can ever get to her or reach her from this world; so it can't be that harmful.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEGAwhSiPJA
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"Not if all you want is to have her as a girlfriend."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXKjN6yyEBj
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"But that's precisely why I want to tell her! I can't just date another human as I am now. They have to at least understand that I have some Altiri woman who talks to me in my head from a distant galaxy."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGwj9t8pgb0
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"Please don't ever summarize it like that again." Her menacing tone was as threatening as she wanted it to sound.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm2pLee5Kpd
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But I wasn't catching on to whatever was making her so hostile to the idea. I could have sworn she would at least cheer me on if I ever got the courage to try this. "Then just let me go over there and talk to her about this." I wasn't asking for permission, but I wanted Lumina to be supportive of my decision. It won't feel right without that support.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLXURUcELgk
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"It will end in your own humiliation! You said it yourself Reed. You want me to tell you the odds of success this time? They don't exist in this scenario."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2PWJWdOb8z
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I know that already. I never expected this was going to be easy. Constantly, I simulate and daydream moments with other students and acquaintances where I tell them my secret, and I simulate how likely it is to go my way. The odds are never in my favor, but they can't always be zero either. "Maybe not, but I have to at least try."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAmWgNb60CA
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"What?"110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb9eIGVi7Ac
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I found my courage again just after it was lost to me, and started approaching Ashly in the middle of her game. There isn't a way for me to make this less awkward, asking to speak to her alone, but it has to be done. "You might not like stretching that rule of secrecy, but I get to choose who I tell and who I don't tell on this planet."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpiBnaPxrCS
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"No, Reed! What are you thinking? Don't do it!" Even with the connection as good as it was, I couldn't tell whether Lumina was nervous, scared, or angry.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAfyz1O1FhE
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"Hey Ashly?" I finally got up to her, interrupting the game with her friends as expected. I knew she would at least begin to hear me out, but I can't get to the core of my truth with everybody else standing around us listening in. As nervous as I was, this was something I just have to do. I have to talk about this with somebody, and it might as well be the girl I'm starting to like.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsja64Do6BO
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"What is it?"110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKoaxzk72wF
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But Lumina was not done just yet. I've never heard her so angry and frantic before, all about revealing something important to somebody I cared about. It wasn't expected, but I had to ignore it some. "I'm warning you Reed. I can't be a part of this! You aren't thinking clearly."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcTzcB3dIPt
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"Why do you think I'm not thinking clearly?" "If it's okay with you, I want to ask you about something, privately."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs0JRl59mpV
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"Your reasons don't make sense! You have no reason why you should tell her the secret in the first place. And even if you did, there is no reason why it should matter this much to you!" As she was telling me this, Ashly gave me a mild expression of shock and confusion, but I had to balance it out with my argument to Lumina, juggling two conversations at once.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnJSdLXj4Lt
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"Shut up Lumina. I've got this." "Follow me." I walked a bit away from the foursquare game, enough to be sure nobody could overhear me speaking to Ashly. I could tell this made both of us nervous at the same time, but I did my best to stay calm and on topic.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy7MZ517MEF
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"Dammit Reed! You're doing all of this over some stupid bitch?"110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU4IYmMuqUE
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"Oh, is that what you think of my potential friends?" I've never heard Lumina get this angry about something I've tried to do before, never in my life. She's lost her temper and her mind, and all for the wrong reasons. The existence of the Altiri cannot stay between me and myself forever; she should have known that by now. Calling the people I hang out with those horrible names was going much too far.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT8gYcb9RJy
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"Ashly is as cheap as they come Reed. She's just a typical middle school girl who likes gossip. There is nothing special about her!"110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIX1YTaNV3f
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"What did you want to show me?" Ashly cleared her throat and snapped my focus back onto her.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg93k1DyE6m
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I nearly lost the fact that I was supposed to be telling her everything now, even if Lumina is losing her marbles. So much for her support. "It's just something I wanted to ask you about?"110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv8mfVbAFc7
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"She isn't intelligent enough to understand what you are about to drop in the open." Her emotions were spilling out of her, cycling between anger, betrayal, and desperation.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCrDwxImnnK
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This might be the first time that I can't understand her, even in a telepathic connection where we share our emotions. The reason we feel these emotions isn't something that gets transferred, so go figure. "We'll just have to find out then, won't we?"110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡubn1IWkJtf
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Ashly stepped back a bit and pointed to where she just walked from, looking at me with some confusion. "We could just talk about it back over there."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuPK7BqoGdM
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"Why are you so obsessed with this chick?"110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIoqgELeoe5
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At last, I couldn't hold back anymore. Her own aggression was starting to affect me, and I was angry that she was angry at my process. I'm not doing anything wrong after all. "Why the hell are you so bothered by it Lumina? Is this how we treat new friends in our social group?" I can't believe she's doing this to me right now, all because I want to let one human in on the secret, to have one person to talk to about it. I have to capture Ashly's interest again before the plan fails and it's all for nothing, so I'm done arguing with her. "It's something I wanted to ask you about in person. It's actually a pretty interesting concept."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡatmYq3y43B
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"Oh, so now you can talk to her just fine? Your words don't seem to twist in this moment, huh? Screw this! I'm out of here. Don't ever talk to me anymore Reed. We're done!"110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4gkQWqc1mM
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I would have been blown away by Lumina's fit if half my mind were not so allocated to the matter of Ashly right now. But after what she just ranted to me, I felt the mild psionic buzzing in my head suddenly switch off, while my body suddenly felt a little weaker than before. I'm perfectly aware of what this sensation is, but I checked anyway, still in disbelief. "Lumina? Did you just cut off the connection?"110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjgAd58zscg
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"Okay, so what is this about?" Ashly was getting a little impatient, since I was distracted enough not to lead her directly into my topic.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfNIM8aD4J7
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"You stupid bitch! Fine! Who needs you?! Just go and leave me alone, you disconnecting moron." "Well, what do you currently believe about the cosmic situation of the background universe?"110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuzrZIK42br
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"I... I don't understand."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdjj02nwVml
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Okay, I should have phrased it better. This is Ashly we're talking about. I have to start from scratch on this topic somehow. I can't just come right out and tell her there are Altiri aliens I talk to; I have to lead into that moment, or it will never be believable. "I'm talking about outer space."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOxl0leECaf
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"I don't know Reed... Look, I'm going to go back over there to play."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgtT53UgZFZ
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She's leaving? "But this is—"110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq8ju2Yvs4u
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"I don't know why you want to talk about something so random, but you're being weird, so I'm just going to go now."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsmTg03ICK1
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"Hold on! Ashly?" I couldn't stop her, and she continued walking away from me, already weirded out before I could even get one percent into the whole story with her. She really thinks I'm the weird one for wanting to try talking to her?110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXYhIoaflgV
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What is with people today? Why would she just walk off and ignore me? She isn't even looking back this way at all! My inner thoughts about everything were still loud and projected, but they felt weaker without the familiar echo of telepathy. Still, the way this went - came as a total shock to me. People have done this to me before, but I never figured Ashly would do it to me too, and so soon.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOXYPnlTcJ2
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I was already annoyed and frustrated with the whole situation, my focus remaining on Ashly until she finally gives in and lets me speak to her. Again, I can't come out and say it in one sentence, especially with her little friends around her who would spread the news all over the school. So for the next several minutes, I tried and tried again to get her attention at a distance, maneuvering myself around the gym without getting too close for her play buddies to notice me. I'm totally positive that she should have noticed me several times. Our eyes even met again twice, but despite my gestures to get her over here real quick, she just whipped her hair and ignored me. After the seventh time of it, I was pissed!110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMq10LlSxen
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How can she be so rude like that?! I haven't done anything to her! The frustration just kept building, as I realized it would be like this possibly forever. Screw this! Why should I even care about this anymore? I wanted to tell Ashly because I thought she would at least be decent enough to be friends with me. But somebody who actively ignores me for no reason at all is not a potential friend to me. "Tch! We're done!"110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn1KYMbI4GV
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My hands balled into fists as the lighting around me darkened a little. I turned around, heading to the other side of the gym to lean against the bleachers. I wanted to tell myself that it was only temporary, that I somehow made Ashly mad for a brief moment. But this anger was stronger than my feelings for her, strong enough to separate the facts from my sensationalized misconceptions. Is this really what Ashly is like? Did I only have a crush on a false version of some girl based on what I experienced in thirty dreams? I sure don't feel that way about her now, not after this. Maybe I don't know what I was feeling anymore...110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCmR6lBGgbq
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I can't believe this! How could I ever think to develop a crush on someone so horrible? People who purposely ignore others are the worst. Ashly is such a cute person, but her attitude towards me should have been the first sign that I was wrong to trust her... I'm glad I didn't tell her the secrets after all.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtGK2wZVRqd
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"Hey Reed."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsJPgHnLIIe
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I shifted my gaze to her in disbelief, forgetting that Banarus of all people was in this class too, but I couldn't hide my emotions from her at all, so my angry expression almost set her off immediately. How did you even get near me? Buzz off!110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0LssrcP4m9
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"You look upset."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrEq9X4HReL
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"What's it to you? Just leave me alone!" Of course I'm upset. She doesn't have to explain it to me like it's not obvious already. I'm sure as hell not talking to Banarus about the situation. She'll just laugh at me and tell everyone else, or she'll tell me how naive I am for falling for such a brat.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuhKYwlDb9S
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After all this time, my dreams weren't a realistic depiction of Ashly. On the inside, she's really a total idiot or a rude and stuck-up person. And my subconscious mind couldn't pick up on any of it, all because I kept thinking how cute and weird she was to me.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe2rRikgDKv
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"That's not a nice way to start things off." Some of my foul mood seeped onto Banarus, as she held her hips expecting some kind of apology from me.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh3z0nFOkwt
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Didn't I tell her to buzz off? There's a reason I don't want to deal with Banarus right now. She doesn't have the intelligence to help me in this situation, and I won't pretend to be all happy and cute like she always is. Life isn't always sugar and rainbows Banarus!110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxL597GNBhk
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"Look," I tried to explain tensely. "I don't get angry at people often, but I'm allowed to feel this way when it's warranted. I'm allowed to stand here like this in a foul mood when other people act like idiots, at least just this once, and I don't have to explain those details to you. So go find your friends, stay jolly with them, and ignore me the whole time, just like everybody else does. Everyone here is all the same to me anyways." I'm not sorry, not for what happened with Ashly, and not for speaking down to Banarus this way either. She always tries to keep me involved in her little petty group, but it's also true that her friends go out of their way to push where Banarus pulls. Nobody gives a crap about me. Nobody wants to involve me in anything anymore. I'm always the one who has to start the conversation. I'm always the one who has to put in the extra effort just to hang out with a girl. I can't remember the last time a girl ever approached me, even if just for idle chit-chat, except for Malica, who is forever my ex now anyway. Every day, it's the same, and it's never going to change. Banarus can keep acting like it will someday, but she's only playing with belief, the same way I was a few minutes ago.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3lVBEDyBFo
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I thought this would be the end of Banarus talking to me, but she didn't leave like I thought she would. "Are people we know really ignoring you on purpose? If they are, I'll talk to them. It isn't right for people to do that."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcCkTz5qIw3
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For once, she and I agree on something. It isn't right to ignore or ghost other people, and more people do it every single day. I can't wait until all of them become adults and can't handle anything in life when they push every problem away from them. Still Banarus, you just don't get it yet. If you have to ask people to hang out with me, or force them to treat me a certain way, then no interaction between us will ever be genuine. That's why your constant meddling with my life bothers me so much. Even if it's the nice thing to do, to keep trying to involve me in your group, it isn't the right thing to do anymore. I have to let them all go. 110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk5AJEJGxrB
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"Just don't talk to anyone about it anymore. I know it's not right, but you can't always change things..." Lumina was right about her after all. All Lumina was trying to do was warn me that Ashly wasn't worth betting my entire reputation on. I don't know how she can see such things just by staring at people... And then I had to be such an idiot and drive her off like that... No! Lumina did that on her own. She left by herself, and that's her own fault! "Nothing you say will make any difference anyway."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqnUiwrwOgZ
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"Then maybe it's time you tried hanging out with some guy friends for a change."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFI3cmyuPW2
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S-Seriously? Does she really think that? Guy friends? The same assholes who think playing sports is equivalent to saving the world, so much that society favors people like them instead of smart people like me or Lumina? The same kind of heathens who are destroying my life at home as we speak? The same kinds of heathens who overpower women just because they see them as some play thing? The same heathens who would kill millions of women on other worlds? How could anyone ever think I would dare set foot near another heathen?! The only way I'm doing that is with an armed weapon!110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiVOdLFI4EJ
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"That will never happen," I adamantly declared. "You know how I feel about that. Men are the only reasons why this world is so screwed up Banarus. I'm not letting go of that fact."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ3qwya5ggN
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"I know. But you only hang out with girls. It's kind of funny sometimes, but it's also kind of weird and off-putting to them. I can't promise that Maddison or Ashly will like that."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCAPCkj1oJC
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There's that name again; Ashly. Sure served me right for thinking I could trust her. But you know what Banarus? If that's the kind of treatment I get for not wanting to hang out with men, then I'll cut ties with every single person in this school, every person who thinks I'm not worth their time, just because I'm a little different, just because I'm a little weird, or just because I can't stand the idea of hanging out with a bunch of disgusting ruthless killers! "I don't care about Maddison and Ashly anymore. If they don't like me because I'm not like the others, then it's their loss."110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3yP7OsrgVj
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But I wasn't done processing all that bothered me. Lumina... I'm not happy that she hung up on me at all, but she turned out to be right, even though she shouldn't have been right. I don't know why she lost her temper at the idea of sharing the secret when I mentioned I might to others before, but now that I'm really alone, all I want to do is talk to her. Instead, I pissed her off and she left me alone by myself. I screwed up two times over in one moment.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡElAeHBXkPu
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"Well, if you really want me to just leave you alone..." Banarus hesitated to finish that sentence, but only because she noticed the overwhelming panic on my mind.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFsovSWMdmc
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What am I doing? After all of this, after everything I've been through, am I just going to act like all of this is somehow okay? No! It's not okay! I have to call Lumina back right now. I might be mad at her for being unfair to me, but she still got so much right. She deserves the credit for it at least. More importantly, that crap I tried to pull on Ashly isn't worth losing my best friend over. I should have realized that much sooner. I need her to stay my friend. I need to be with her right now!110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM7EbIPdvYF
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So I did what I do best. I stood up from leaning on the bleachers, spread my feet apart forwards and back for extra balance, opened both of my hands flat, leaned by head forward slightly, shut my eyes entirely, and concentrated on my ability to invoke telepathy. I tried to project my signature out to hers, to concentrate and call Lumina back since the connection was dead in the water. I knew about the rule stating that nearly an hour must pass if the connection is being activated after being shut down in the same moment of the day, but I don't care about those rules right now. I have to try! Even though it's not working right now, I have to keep trying to call her back!110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrWGve0PLC0
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"You okay? Another headache?"110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsMl5cwqxHm
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Ignoring Banarus, I continued trying to contact Lumina, but after a few more seconds, I was forced to give up. Constant projection at that strength can't be sustained for long. Oh Lumina, why did you have to do that? I'm sorry this happened, so please just answer me! I can't take it. I can't handle the thought of losing my best friend over some stupid fight. My motivation to call her back surged so much that it was the only thing I cared about now. It's no good. I have to get outside! Right now! One reason it might not be working is that contacting Lumina while I'm indoors can be a lot more challenge unless the indoor temperature matches the outdoor temperature. In school, it never really does. If I get outside with the fresh cold air, I should be better at this. I have no time to lose!110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHw1hkIHKu4
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"Wait!" Banarus thought she could try and stop me.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP9G9Nwb8Cc
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I took off in a desperate sprint towards the gym exit, leaving Banarus in the dust and running away so suddenly. I don't care if it confuses her, because there is only one priority on my mind for the moment.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡREHnhTtWQx
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"What was that all about?" Hearing her distant voice carry away from me, I bolted out the door, caring not if I get in trouble later.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv8pBmfro6I
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Lumina is too important to me! I can't lose the one special friend I still have, no matter what happened. So here outside, I must give it my all. I retired the projection, concentrating deeper than ever before and holding that concentrating by chanting her name in my mind over and over again. Lumina... Lumina!110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkkusQ4alx8
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But after two additional attempts in this forty-degree weather, I got nothing in return. It was total silence in my head, the one thing I did not want right now. All of the physical elements are there, so I should have no trouble contacting her! "Lumina! Lumina!" I switched from thinking of her name to chanting her name with my tongue, begging for this connection to work. I'll give this connection everything I've got!110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOIB6PNF6xa
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After ten more seconds, nothing came of it. For some reason, my continued failing attempts to call her were very quickly freaking me out. I've never been in a situation before where I couldn't call Lumina in cold weather and with no headache. The terror of my own isolation began closing in around me, until my arms were trembling in disbelief. "Come on... Answer me dammit! The temperature isn't warm. This should be working!"110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDbnRTnnQUA
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I took my stance once more in desperation, concentrating with deeper focus than I ever had before. I had to try and be patient, take my time, and control this energy. "Lumina..." I still can't detect her presence, but I'm projecting properly already. Just a few more seconds, and it should work again... "Lumina!" But after everything I tried, there was still silence. "I can't reach her... But why...?" The flushing frustration and sadness hit me with the force of a ton of bricks. Not only was it unbelievable, it was the worst feeling I think I've ever felt before.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEJ3KfAw1QD
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I could get over Ashly and the others hating me, but Lumina is out there somewhere, still angry with me because I can't contact her to explain how right she was. I'm not mad at her anymore. I just want to talk to her again. I want to hear her voice. I want to listen to her stories. I want to laugh and play with her again. At this rate, all of that will be erased forever if I can't call her back... Or am I waking up for the first time now? Is this happening to me all because she was never real to begin with?110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUsBdndGCVS
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No! I screamed at myself internally. No, she can't be fake. She's not some random illusion that I drove away. I won't accept that! I refuse to buy into that load of crap! Ever since all of this happened, Lumina has been the only person I've ever talked to on a real level. And so what if it was kind of forced? It's hard to hide your innermost thoughts from someone who is a telepath, despite all the crap I said earlier. But so what if I can't hide how I feel from her? I still trust her anyway. I trust Lumina. She was helping me, always she was helping me.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyRZ6wZSMwI
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And what have I done for her today? I shut her out, that's what. I basically sent the vibe that her opinion no longer mattered to me. All over what? Over some silly dream of someone I thought was good enough to share this secret with? I mean, Lumina sure could have handled that better, to react more rationally. But still, I was just as stupid for thinking I could ever let a single human understand the truth. I'm sorry Lumina. Please come back into my head... With my internal thoughts better sorted, I managed to be calmer while I gave this telepathy one more real attempt.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVaSLcekW7M
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But in another twelve seconds, my attempt was foiled yet again. I was in denial that I failed once more, and before long, I finally let all of this frustration out. "Damn it all!" I took my backpack I sat beside me, and flung it around to slam up against the outside brick wall as hard as I could. The backpack was forced open from the zipper side, though not really damaged. Just as well, all of my school supplies were flung out and around, and I kicked the empty backpack against the wall again with my shoe, as if it would somehow solve all my problems. By now, my breathing got intense and heavy, while all I wanted was to set things right again.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDxERL979DY
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To the corner of my eye, only after I let myself have that little outburst, I realized that some other girl just watched the freak I put on in front of her. I wasn't expecting somebody else to be out here, but I could tell she was only walking, so she hasn't been standing there for long. Right now, I must look like I'm having one of those special days where everything is total hell. I wonder what Laura thinks of me now.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaYxJv7j5k3
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"Whoa! I guess you need a minute." Laura turned around, going the other way as if nothing had happened.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs0Qpcl9FUs
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"Just leave me alone, all of you!" Banarus, Laura, Ashly, Maddison, Malica, every last one of them have done nothing positive for me in my life! I'm sick and tired of hanging out with them, trying to talk to them, only to be ignored for somebody else seen with higher priority. Lumina never did that to me!110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgSTq4B5AsY
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But I couldn't stay angry anymore... All of my thoughts melted to a bitter, cold sadness drowning my heart away. I lost the strength to stand, sinking to my knees that were spread apart. This terrifying sensation in my heart, like the world might end soon was the only thing I could focus on now...110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmE6oujpZ1d
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Lumina... I want you with me so badly. I've taken you and all of the knowledge you gave me for granted. I am nothing special. Nobody is! But I still had a chance to make something special out of all this, and I'm totally screwing it all up. Lumina... Just come back to me already.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6FREyWHisu
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I just want to be with her again, to tell her how sorry I am for not listening to her. I tried once more to project my signal to her, but this time, I could sense nothing coming out. I couldn't project this time, probably from overdoing it. I can't even send the signal anymore. It's been too long of a time now. Without trying to, all of the thoughts and memories that I shared with Lumina since we first met flooded into my mind, showing me how much I really miss being with her like before, but given the current circumstances, this only made my pain so much worse. The tears were already spinning in my eyes while the world around me grew duller with the approaching thunderstorm. Maybe I just need to wait longer? I don't know what to do anymore. This day totally sucks. I don't know if I should try again in an hour, or wait until tomorrow, but this whole mess has me entirely stopped. I can't just shove this aside and get back to school work, but I can't call Lumina back either. I've totally lost her. Now I've got nothing to do anymore.
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