Chapter Theme Music: The Pilgrim [Acoustic Version] ~ Nikke: Goddess of Victory
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<06/28/2024 - 17:55 | (Undisclosed Psychiatric Office), Austell, GA, USA>
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"That's about the gist of it," I concluded, brushing off the stress in a short huff hoping he would understand.8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzGW8zW2PmQ
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"I see..." Dr. Lee continued shifting eyes between the quick notes, analyzing my situation as I drew it out for him. Two seconds later, he hit me with this:8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8VqifcpQJL
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"Unfortunately Reed, it seems that the primary reason you are seeking these alternate medications is to treat headaches. We don't do that here. Our medicine is for psychiatric conditions. Even if we could call this unusual, I can't give you any of these for the use of headaches, not even for the sake of experimenting."8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw8AhXCYWAY
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Are you kidding? You would deny me this one and only chance to help myself over some bullshit like that? You stupid fucking piece of shit! Oh how much I wanted to scream these words to the man's face. "Are you certain there is nothing we can do? I'm here because it is a last resort option. What am I supposed to do when things keep getting worse?"8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4UTry8A5pu
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Unattractively so, Dr. Lee didn't really answer my question, instead deflecting will more nonsense about protecting himself using red tape laws. "It isn't just me. No psychiatric facility on Earth would do as much."8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGVw4CO8Ss5
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And yet giving out maximum Adderall is perfectly okay so long as someone claims to be autistic without any proof of it? I'm so sick and tired of people treating my headache condition like it's just no big deal."So what you're saying is, you can't or won't help me."8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnYtwKVQX6D
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"No one is saying that. We may be able to look for psychiatric symptoms—"8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJVwf5CUblE
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The man just went on and on, about stuff I knew would never matter. I don't want to be probed for such symptoms because I know with certainty that I don't have any. I used to think I had something dragging my emotional energy lower, but it turns out I'm just too much of a passive person, and combined with my more recent symptoms, I'm unhappy because of the lack of physical stamina I have, not the other way around.8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfiCLAWbf53
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"—wouldn't be worth the risk anyway..." Lee stopped as soon as he realized I ceased paying him any merit. It's not like I tuned him out, but the moment he spoke his last sentence, I knew coming here in all entirety was a waste of time. Unfortunately, I wasn't sure if psychiatrists would be willing to help with this unique situation. If one is unwilling, they all must be the same, since this is certainly a red-tape-law issue.8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2GdwiSASME
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"If that really is the case, then I will be going. Sorry about all this." I took what little things I had in my hands and walked out. I would have demanded a full refund if it would have made any difference, but my health insurance had this facility fully covered anyway, thus there was no point...8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrG4tSqEdaS
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I wasn't angry, or I should say I wasn't going to get angry about this yet. The only significance playing in my mind were the terrifying memories of horrible things happening to me not even a month ago, and the constant fear of where I'm really heading.8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCvdI1tP4X1
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To say that my medical situation is unique would be an understatement. For reasons I don't understand, my brain requires strong mental stimulation in order to function properly. For the past decade, I've been able to reach this stimulation factor using medicated caffeine without any significant side-effect or blow-back. However, for some reason, this has changed.8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡioSeZq0fSx
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The recent episodes of lethargy, mental-fragmentation, and other ailments have all been happening because my medication has been triggering them as side effects. Why, we ask? It's partly because the medication is failing, speaking in long-term. No, it's actually because my body is not capable of handling the mediation like it used to, causing the effects to weaken while the toxic side effects grow stronger. Mental stimulation; the very essence of an alert and adept mind... Many may ask why this is so important for me to have.8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSzkmwHaCEh
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At first, I was just greedy to have such a superpower. The reason I could write books so well and enjoy so many mental crunching tasks was because my brain was so alive and focused. But not every single day was that way, and I was still content so long as I could do the other things I loved, like spending my time with Lumina.
Chapter Theme Shift: Polarity ~ Krausam [Drifting Worlds]
Lately however, I've learned that the same kind of mental stimulation is a 99.3% guaranteed method to prevent and block all of my tension headaches. In other words, if mental stimulation factor falls below a certain threshold for too long, a headache is guaranteed every time. I've recently set month-long records of being entirely headache free (minus the Sunday Resets) to prove as much, and prior to this, I tried living for more than a month without the caffeine, unsuccessfully so.8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqhsfB1RyNv
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It all reminds me, takes me back to a very dark day Lumina and I had at the beginning of last year. I still had not learned of the stimulation connection by then, and my headaches were so bad due to weakening of the Tension Headache variant that I went to a dark place in my mind, and somehow dragged Lumina there with me...8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2TXOW9mAsT
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I'm sure everyone in the world has had at least one massive headache or migraine in their life. Could you imagine having it nearly every day? Even if it's four days out of every week, that's four days you can't make any use of, time which can never be bought back, and all with no repair, no solution, no answer as to what keeps causing them to arrive.8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5eHdG3pvgT
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I can't... I just can't do it anymore. Every year it's the same, yet somehow worse than last time. I can't keep living in this world when headaches control my every aspect of living state. These things hurt so bad there are days I just want to die, from the pain and its frequency, its ability to render a beautiful world ugly and desolate of all meaning and value.8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFN9AVQvwOS
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When I presented these thoughts to Lumina that night, even she was speechless, incapable of disagreeing after witnessing firsthand how destructive these brain storms were. After all of the time these headaches has taken away from us both, rendering me incapable of psionic projection, and thus our connection, the many broken promises of dates lost to time were enough to push her into a state of silence, deep depressing silence.8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9MnyQ1hTMm
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It almost sounds foolish of me to feel that way, as I stand in a medical office now, plagued by a new, mysterious yet potentially more threatening ailment. I once made a promise to myself that I would kill myself if these headaches kept getting worse within two years' time. But now, with the way things are going, I don't think I'm going to have to upkeep such a promise. In a strange, indirect, and most slow/gradual manner, I already am dying.8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSnt6ePLaTz
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That idiot doctor can't understand this, but this condition I've been afflicted with has only gotten worse since September of 2023, little by little, taking bits and pieces of my mind and body on the way out. The lethargy only grows. The dizziness only deepens. My mind continues to reveal its hairline cracks. Even if I cannot prove it yet, I could have at least rescued myself from immediate doom with a long list of CNS stimulants I personally looked into, even stressed safety and micro-dosing. These are controlled substances after all.8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqCND54rScn
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But the suit said no. Dr. Lee and many alike would rather send me off to certain death than to potentially risk a lawsuit that shouldn't even be possible in the first place ~ (I've read the required waivers and patient agreements, which seemed airtight - legally speaking). Fifteen different medications all possibly stronger than caffeine could easily pull me out of this nosedive, even if only long enough to get a closer look at what is really going on, but the doctors don't give a fuck about me!8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI2Tl7O0f2b
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Of course there are risks. Some of these medications even pose the risk of developing psychosis, a harrowing thought I would never want to experience. But what of the risks? If I'm going to die anyway by staying on a path where nothing can change, what in blazes is so wrong with accepting those risks? No, I'm not even allowed to make that choice for myself. I always said the American healthcare system was broken, but I never thought it was this bad. Worse comes to worst, I might get them off the dark web, assuming I could ever learn how to.8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe11meJPElz
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I still can't figure out why my brain is in such need of chemical stimulation; I wish I knew, for it could be the answer to why I have headaches in the first place, possibly even being related to my ADD. However, I'm at a loss now. What else am I supposed to do, when caffeine isn't cutting it anymore and there is no alternative to turn to? Why all the sudden is my body unable to handle and process the same drug it used to for so long? I refuse to accept old age as an answer, because I'm only 28. There must be some reason, some underline medical condition bringing this state to me.8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvn2Bwot8cN
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I'm sure most people would think me to be melodramatic. I bet their thoughts are, 'Clearly I can't be dying. I'm just getting a little weaker and my body is tired of the caffeination,' or something along those lines. But you see, there are a few additional ways for me to wind up in a terminal state. This condition has already negatively impacted my ability to invoke psionic projection, even just for the purpose of sending test-projections. It means, I'm going to have future episodes of lethargy that are so drawn out that all telepathy with Lumina becomes blocked. There will also come a time where my mind slows down so much from mentioned lethargy that the lower mental state lingers enough for a headache to trigger, giving me a double dose of hell.8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQr8Uima4DS
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I never would have guessed things would have become this complex, but this means, even after I do move north and I am living in a place with super short summers, this new medical condition will still prevent me from contacting Lumina on the regular. For me, there will come a point where too often without her will be too much to bear. I know this is the case, because this condition is not stagnating. It is getting worse over time, and my very own metabolism is under so much sudden stress that it can't function well enough to process lunch on most days. I don't know if I have cancer or something else wild, and frankly it would not disturb me too much if it were a non-curable disease; at this rate I just want an answer - to know what is getting the best of me. Should the day ever come where my weakness becomes so perpetual and certain that I can never contact Lumina no matter the condition of the weather, that will be the day I declare my life on Earth to be over.8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTVdfxozvIT
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This is the manner in which I mean I am dying. Speaking physically, I don't actually know if what I have is terminal, because the past 12 different doctors I've seen recently can't figure it out with all their blood tests and scans. What I do know, is that the unknown condition continues to get worse. Even if it doesn't kill me directly with time, its ability to render me incapable of telepathic power is in itself a death sentence, one where I would have to muster the courage to pull the trigger myself. I'm sure similar ailments exist for certain people, diseases that don't directly inflict death, but render the integrity of remaining life so useless and unworthy, to wish death upon one's self.8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJKzfcDHNNs
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I still don't want to say it yet, because I feel like I have not explored every path, but my road is running out quickly. I've got one, maybe two years remaining to figure something out, before my body burns itself to oblivion.8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNYiBgDQvtQ
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I don't know what to do anymore... What do I tell my friends and family when I confirm my own gradual decline? How do I tell Lumina, the one person who I love the most that I'm soon to be forced to join her place so soon? I know we would both be happy about my upcoming transperation, but I know Lumina would want me to make the most of my experience here as a human. This very news might break her. It's already breaking me.8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVyLTqw1yvk
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Does anybody know what to do?8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCFPCsCc8yg
Does anyone know how to help me?
