203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEUClktneJA
• 📱Here Goes Nothing •
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKutPmJkneW
My feet like paving slabs I heave each one up the narrow steps leading to the third floor where Reece resides. I know if I wait for that damn elevator I will never go up, it would just give me the time to doubt my decision.
The stairs ahead are twisted in a perfect spiral, like an anaconda constricting its prey. With each step that lands on the polished grey stair, the air around me seems more sparse. My heart growing heavier and knots in my stomach becoming tighter.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4EbJzymTjy
Walking into the unknown.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWyB9qr1kAi
Ok, I'm being melodramatic but still, I'm dreading walking into that room.
I put my hand onto the deep walnut rail, for support. I'm only at the start of the second flight and I'm already mentally struggling.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdWiwCvr978
Why is it harder this time around?203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeYuaQPxK5u
Tiffany?203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTU09JBwiuv
No. She isn't the reason.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡheznD2jgnd
It's because of her.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡke5prpA6kP
She's haunting me.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlZO6Yh2BRy
She always has.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXhaHjSeiDb
The one I wish I would find in Reece's apartment.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0nwABEg1Xd
But that's never going to happen.
Don't go there, Guy.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2N95yVsYtF
Think of something else.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHCzJiMv8Hb
Anything else but her.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSkgR3cqBRX
You left her outside.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9tlKQ3iJ6z
I left her alone203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxKe2Ky3CZw
Stop it! 203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkWxTnL52Ml
Ok.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfZdtfASpw5
Focus.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3GRgACC9wl
The lights...
The artificial lighting in the stairwell is deceiving. For a split second your mind is tricked into believing it was a summer's day.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuDFwcNbE35
Well, mine does anyway.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1u4xacpQ8Q
I find it too bright. I usually have sunglasses just for the stairs when I arrange to visit.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdkCvbZuPBs
I search my pockets just in case I subconsciously put them there.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVf8Wz57ESO
Of course, I haven't.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUgUUgGhs1Y
It's bloody winter!
Halfway up.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDAhRO1GsGn
I'm also halfway down.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYkH1iD0APv
Would be easier going down than what it seems to be going up.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjko9cWoAVB
Can't breathe.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMXh8TRDD5n
Shit!203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6sVEiCjIMn
The one thing I thought I could do.
Breathe, Guy.
Shooting sharp pains stab through my chest. I cling to my heart as if my life depends on it. My breathing becoming wheezy and shallow. There isn't enough oxygen for my lungs to consume in this stairwell. A tingling numbness buzzing up and down my entire being.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ZTyYPvjBI
Am I having a heart attack?203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLJkAjKbKVn
Hot flashes full of panic cast over me. My breathing desperate as if I'm underwater trying to resurface.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡri5fRsCHXY
No. I'm having a panic attack.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0vJcXb0dsS
Is this what they feel like?
As the realisation comes over me, a chilling sweat smothers my body. It shakes uncontrollably as I lean my back against the wall like the friend I need. I slide down slowly until my arse meets the stone cold floor and I sit there.
Lightheadedness taking over my brain until I'm unaware of even having something attached to my neck. Along with the impending doom casting over my thoughts, causing everything to become hazy like a smokescreen in my mind. Nausea slowly follows. I gag and bring my clammy hands to my mouth. The acid reflux burning the back of my throat as I swallow it down, followed by the flares of whisky aftertaste. I bury my head in my hands and bring my knees up to protect me in this vulnerable state, like an injured animal.
The darkness of nothingness is helping. I forget where I am and my chest begins to loosen, oxygen flowing through what feels like a straw. I zone out, putting all my energy into the rhythm of my breathing, the sound of my stupid phone interrupting my tempo. I fumble my hands in my pockets to find it. On the screen flashes Reece's name. Of course, he's text me. He always appears when I need him.
Erghh. Pizza from that dodgy pizzeria he loves. The thought is making my stomach bile attempt to do a runner. My hands still shaking slightly, I focus on the keyboard of my phone to reply. I don't want him worrying and I certainly don't want to consume that crap he calls pizza.
Dickhead... Just gonna let him have that one for once. Any other day I would rain all over his parade but tonight, I'm feeling half-arsed. This charade is getting exhausting.
My head still thumping but lungs full of air, I scramble to my feet keeping my phone in my hand. I try not to look at it too much nowadays. It's full of reminders of her. I should just delete them as it's too painful to look at them but I can't be without them either. My lock screen is still dedicated to her and so is my heart.
I continue my journey up the stairs. The walls bare, just coated in brilliant white, which in places has blemishes. Black scuff marks from drunken nights out and fallouts. Other questionable colours stained the walls. I can't even think of an explanation about them. Considering all that, the place still looks tidy. With no distractions on the walls, I count each step as I go, in an attempt to block out my thoughts. The voices in my head. The words I will never say out loud. If I do, I have to accept reality and I just can't do that yet.
I should change it...203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡije5PegHob
I mean, I don't want to...203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ54oBJDmzjb
But maybe I should...203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMhXY0Fe4rH
It's been three years.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4CfGyPDsp9
Officially.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkv46I6wTeA
Three.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnRDyvY6OB9
Whole.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTf7zCULPvF
Years.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgE5EgTQTPH
Since she left.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8aLr0wNj5j
She lit up my world, but now she only lights up my phone.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡslYzlxbnfR
And me? Left to suffer in the dark.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFJ8dkWaGag
Guy! For fuck sake! Snap out of it! Get moving!
There are no more steps. The ground beneath me levels out into a flat surface. I take my eyes away from my shoes and look up at my surroundings. Finally! Third floor! Standing at the top of the stairs somewhat victorious.
On the intimate lobby, to the left is the hallway that leads to some of the apartments and to the right are more stairs leading to the fourth floor. At the mouth of the next flight of steps is the elevator, which begins beckoning me to take it. Ignoring its calls, I notice the large window displayed in front of me. I can see the distant glow from the street lamps below and the murmur of the bordering roads. The night sky dominating the view. In the corner of my eye, a glistening reflecting off the lights attracts me. It's the bronze sign reading "Apartments 200 – 220" to the right of the doorway. Reece is 209.
I make the turn and enter the hallway composed entirely of doors on each side. Again, the same interior as the stairs; stark, fresh white walls with nothing but doors and numbers. He's at the end of this corridor. Can't smell the pizza yet so I probably still have to endure that torture. At the very end of the hallway, before it splits off into a maze, the door 209 sits. A soft glow escaping the gaps around it where Reece has left it open for me. I hear the soft mumble of multiple voices from behind it. I stand there listening not being able to make out words just voices.
You can do this, Guy.
With that, I place my hand on the dove grey door and slowly push it open without trying to make a sound. The more it opens the more I register how stupid I'm being. These are my friends, well, all except Tiffany. They do this meet up every year for me.
My chest begins to relax the more I urge the door to open. The light and sound generated from the life in the living room floods me. My eyes following the hallway of the apartment to the open space it meets at the bottom. The walls again painted an eggshell white, with only the odd walnut door breaking it up. The oak parquet flooring with hues of woodland pours from the hallway into the living space. As my eyes meet the entrance to the lounge, the glass French doors are what grab my attention. Positioned in the centre of the room on the furthest wall, the familiar figure stands before them with their back to the room. Should I enter?
"I'm really worried about him. I thought he would be showing some signs of improvement this time." Reece's words are the first thing I hear. The pain and fret so apparent in each word he strings together.
Reece stands looking out of the French doors that lead to the balcony. His hair now dry, the milk chocolate locks showing vividly his flaxen tones, while it sits messily on his head. I can't see his face but I know in my gut that he is fighting tears.
"Was he where you found him again? A soft feminine voice asks, full of empathy.
There's movement from the right of the room, which makes its way to Reece's side. She places her hand around his waist as she looks up at him for answers. Her ash blonde hair with beach waves sat on her shoulders. Her other hand holding a glass of what looks like wine, but knowing Lauren it's probably some form of strawberry cider. Yep, there was no mistaking Lauren Tate.
Reece turns his head to look at Lauren's face. I can see him reading her eyes, searching for an unspoken answer. He removes his gaze from hers and returns to the doors to observe the night. Lauren does not move nor does she take her sights off him. Her small stature stood there patiently waiting for him to respond.
I feel like I'm intruding. I'm going to regret standing here listening to this, even if they're home truths. Must let them know I'm here. Just walk in there and say hi.
Without any further hesitation, I turn and shut the door behind me and walk down the hallway to meet them. No one has said a word and no one has registered my footsteps on the wooden floor coming towards them. Or they have and they're choosing to ignore them? My feet find the outskirts of the living room and with one deep breath, I find words.
"..Sup'..."
Not poetic or meaningful but it's kinda a word that people can respond to. As I stand in the doorway, leaning on the doorframe with my forearm, as my eyes scan the room. The tv has some sketch show on contributing to the room as background noise. The black leather sofa facing it with a table before it housing bowls of snacks while a granite grey rug nestles under the table. The sofa littered with matching cushions... Lauren certainly been busy adding her touch to the place.
"Finally found your way then, East."
The words are smoothly thrown into the air, like a slam dunk. Before I can find the source of the rich tones, a strong arm slides over my shoulder followed by a playful shove. I look at the man beside me, wearing a broad smile displaying his perfectly white teeth. His waves styled into a modest mohawk with some of the lengths on top before it gradually fades on the sides, complimenting his dashing face. His light brown eyes are piercing yet soft due to the shade of latte within them. A ring of cinnamon around his iris searching my face for a response.
"Good to see ya, Easton. But boy, you look like crap!" the baritone of his voice full of lightness and cheer.
"..You just don't know quality when you see it, Dunc." Wrapping my arm around his shoulder as a fake grin smears on my face.
Duncan lets out a laugh that's more like a boom, which instantly makes my nerves settle. If Duncan Kingsley is laughing then all is good in the hood. He's a gentle giant but he will let you know if something is pissing him off, no question. Guess that's one thing we have in common. Reece must of spoken to him as normally he would give me some crap about being a depressing cock that he doesn't want to associate with.
"You're still paying for the pizza when it arrives." Reece sulking passing me a can of beer.
I lightly smile at Reece and push the ring down on the can until I hear the distinctive pop. The suds bubbling with excitement as they're released from their tin prison. I bring the amber nectar to my lips and take several mouthfuls. The ice-cold liquid glides down my throat. Man, I needed that. However, a whisky would be more suitable. Beer is whisky's baby brother, the taste lacks the maturity.
"How are you holding up, Easty?" Lauren now standing in front of me holding the same drink. I notice it's still as full as it was when I first opened the door.
As much as I like Lauren, I wish she would leave the annoying nickname out. It just reminds me of this one drunken night at a karaoke bar. I decided in my intoxicated state that I was Lil' Weezy and picked up the mic. Let's just say I was no lyrical miracle and it ended in a toilet like a scene in 8 Mile. Til this day she still refers to me as the pun of her joke that night.
As I carefully search for the words to say, her jade green eyes flicker like Reece's when battling some demon. Man, she's been hanging out with him too much. The greenish-blue of her eyes soft like a teddy bear that has been loved for many years. Warm and inviting like a hot chocolate on a winter's evening. It's shocking really how some people find Lauren intimidating when her eyes give off this safety blanket vibe.
"..Things could be worse, I could be you." A small grin plays on my lips, folding my arms.
Lauren's eyes widen and a smile spreads over her face like wildfire. Her eyes start to twinkle with mischievousness while a wicked grin plasters her face as she flips the bird at me.
"You wish you were me." She replies in her usual abrupt way, flicking her white flame hair.
"..Na, I wouldn't wish Reece on anyone." I half-joke, placing my hand in my jeans pocket.
Lauren glides over to me and places her hand on my forearm. She looks up directly at me. Again, her eyes dancing when making a decision behind them. Her smile drops in exchange for a concern expression, like a mother would give when finding their child crying. She stands on her tips toes and puts her mouth to my ear.
"You haven't got to pretend, Guy. Whenever you want to talk about it, I'll be here waiting."
With those words, she moves away from me leaving her hand on my arm for comfort. Lauren, now wearing a faint smile as her eyes patrol my face for an insight into my thoughts, as I close mine off. I ain't Reece...
"..I'll bear that in mind, Lau." my eyes smile back at her as I place my hand over hers, which consumes it in comparison.
I let her hand go and she removes hers from my arm gradually, leaving her touch to linger. It's weird her acting like this, she's usually the one dishing out banter like it was cake. Girl lacks delivery though...
"Guy, get your cash ready! Pizza pies are here!" An excited Reece bursts pass us making his way to the front door.
Lauren rolls her eyes and internally I laugh. I really feel for the girl. He has some serious issues with that pizza. I swear they put some form of drug in it. It's the only thing that can explain Reece's addiction. My thoughts in a good place, feeling as though my mind is swimming in sunshine but this feeling is always temporarily.
"Look who decided to grace us with their presence." Administering those words sharply like a dagger with a jagged edge.
Those words in that manner can only be delivered by one person. I turn my head and see her standing there. I'm not surprised by who I stumble upon. With her long, sleek, midnight mahogany hair, sweeping past her shoulders and ends just below her chest. Her close-set, grey eyes raging like the sea in a storm and as cold as who they belong to. A sly grin tugs in one corner of her full lips.
"Still playing the mute vampire are we? Diddums." She continues to patronise, pouting her lips into a pedantic sad expression.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxDXiFTrX2s
"Aww, what's the matter, Guy? Cat got your tongue? Oh... wait... that's not the only thing you've lost is it." She cackles.
"Tiffany, leave it out!" Lauren scorns, almost growling, like a wolf protecting her cubs.
"I'm only playing aren't I, Guy." As she ruffles my hair, toying with me.
I whip my hand to my head and grab at her wrist holding it and snarling at her. Tiffany stands there not even battering an eyelid at my reaction. Meanwhile, Lauren's face is trying to swallow the distress that riddles it while she stands on the side line. Reece bolts past me holding boxes and in that instance, I let go but don't drop my flaming cold glaze.
"Nice to see you haven't lost your charm." She hisses venomously, taking back her hand.
"..I don't owe you shit." I spat, fighting every vile word off with a stick.
The clatter of cardboard resounds as a distraction made by an unaware Reece, dropping the pizza boxes on the counter. He spreads them out and hastily opens one up. With a slice in his mouth and another two in his hands, he makes his way to the sofa, oblivious to the thick tension between Tiffany and me.
"What? Have I got sauce on my face?" Reece exclaims, as he chews a mouthful of pizza, before turning back to watch the tv.
"No one was speaking to you, pansy." Tiffany sneers.
"..Still haven't learnt to control that mouth of yours!" I snap, towering myself over her. I can feel myself losing control the longer I'm around her.
Breathe, Guy. Fucking breathe.
"Oh I love it when you talk dirty to me, Guy." She retorts twisting her words in like a knife in an open wound, blowing a kiss my way.
My nose and lips recoil at the thought of it fucking touching me. I sway my body to the side as though that kiss is soaring towards me. I follow it over my shoulder ensuring it misses making contact. I stuffily peer down my nose at her and then I pull out my killer move. I draw that smirk of mine till it's written all over my face. Tiffany's screws up as she stamps her feet like an infant throwing a strop. My eyes devilishly glinting at her annoyance, still wearing that impish sneer as it torments the fuck out of her. Satisfied with my results, I chuck a wink Tiffany's way and she shrieks in outrage.
"That's enough!" Duncan demands in a thunderous pitch, without having to raise his voice.
"Lauren, get her away from him. Guy, take a seat. I'm sick of this bullshit! We're squashing this tonight!" Duncan authoritatively ushering me to the sofa whilst holding his hand up to Tiffany, as if its a shield.
With his athletic arm around my shoulders, we walk over to the sofa. The rage in me bubbling away like a stew left on the hob for too long.
"Easton, you need to calm it with that girl. I saw you grab her wrist."
I don't know what to say, he's right. I can't even bring myself to look at him, let alone produce any words.
"Damn, I can't believe I'm having this chat with you of all people." Duncan sighs.
I can't believe he is either. What the hell is happening to me?
Tiffany gets under my skin but in the opposite way to how she did. She infuriates me. It makes me hate myself more than I already do. She may be beddable but to me, she's no woman. No, this isn't the case of the thin line between love and hate. If it wasn't for Tiffany and her jealous, invective scheming I might still have her.
It's always someone else's fault...203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBQ9IRtWCvx
You're the one who left her.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRnP5469Yxt
You made that choice and now you've gotta live with it.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIq1GMOlPV7
Live with it...203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTKwWJ0uPfa
I'm hardly living...203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLACwvlqSq3
I am if breathing counts...203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWVruqKf20h
The other parts that contribute to living, however, I've forgotten what they are since she left...
"..I'm just gonna take a breather on the balcony." Hoping I sound apologetic enough without actually saying it. It would only be a lie if I did.
Duncan nods at me as if to give me his approval. I grab another beer from the side table next to Reece, who is still devouring the gross pizza. He pats my arm in acknowledgement, oil clinging to his lips and fingers as he gnaws at the slice, leaving the residue on my jacket. Duncan settling into the armchair, tucking into a slither with a reluctant bite.
I open the balcony doors and step outside to be with the night. The rain commencing to drizzle again as if it didn't want me to forget it. Feeling at ease and closer to the stars, I close my eyes and breathe.
I watch my breath appear and disappear. Breathing. The only thing I have left. Even this is starting to lose its appeal. I stand there endlessly staring at the stars, while the ongoing battle with myself continues. Who's at fault to what happened with her? To what I have become? Now a shell of a man I once was, hoping the stars will end this. Whether that be ending my existence or bringing hers back into my life.
I take a mouthful of the contents of the can and stare longing out into the night hoping to fade out my thoughts.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2JHebwsFNi
If only there was a way for me to understand.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQZjanhhTTq
But that's what you ardour about her.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr2Rwm7sNLI
The not understanding.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1TOD7TZ6N0
And look where that got me...203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTl3VdvFvhR
Forever longing her.203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPfWfhiTsyf
This is going to be a long night...203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ806uj5CFRl
It's proving to be a long life without her.
I take out my phone and press the screen to reveal her. The bliss outweighing the nostalgia this time around. My instinct nagging me that this night is far from over...
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203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuNqKHEVVil
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpxljIXzORW
