後來，林蓁回想舊事，喜歡Y先生時，其實已是中四。記憶再模糊，感受亦是真。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4eSWaJnL5F
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoaIXEVnUxQ
她之所以傷心，除了因為他不喜歡自己，還因為那個熱心助人的同學，竟然用「豬閪」這種字詞形容人。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxfVAoXQ0sN
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD8R0uuATn7
自此之後，她就沒有喜歡過男生。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHQRmrEPEq7
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWsGLBG8qFo
／239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsEEFFSOUwI
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ75jtLnECTx
每次感到空虛時，林蓁也會意圖填滿自己。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuiZd8T5GtC
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt35XtNpHfw
以食物填滿胃，以粉底液填滿毛孔，以男人的話語填滿口腔。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLysB3Wm2ES
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiXvQjoxj5L
她記得上次輔導員問，除了跑步，她還有沒有其他的方法，可以緩解情緒。她有更多是沒有說出口的。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8elaHU4hxW
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9HG0ooYA1R
例如，暴食。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡudU7K9IB8U
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfE75519Chl
時時如此，只是，她後來會節食一段時間來控制身型，讓別人看不出早就經過一段飲食的變化。好吃或能提供味覺刺激的食物總是不健康的，韓國辣麵、炸雞、珍珠奶茶，唯有滿是油、糖、脂肪的「邪惡感」，才讓她覺得自己對於悲傷贖了罪。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTLMEMSr5Ho
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKBA9canHaQ
如果進食不健康的食物，是對身體的懲罰，那麼她作為身體的靈魂主體，折磨自己，抵擋無法隔擋的、洶湧的悲傷。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡayFOCyLiT3
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiQL5MqJyTa
記得有一次，她留在周立沖處，聽他說很掛念A小姐。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2zyJPXWpOW
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjMXGeseERl
分手才兩星期，不過半個月，他若然思念，亦是正常。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5eh1b3yWlR
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM8m4hdZmXz
她無法感受自己的情緒，只是得體地應答。可是，隔了一會兒，她近乎哀求地問他：239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvtIXe9M9Pc
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpid9RkqjRi
「可唔可以煮個印尼撈？」239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvPhogme7IM
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsJA3MDvu1F
「啱啱先食完飯……生果都食埋喎，你餓？」239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtE6G33prU9
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvhVbB3WVgl
「我想食嘢。」239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡccKxVMg9lX
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdbHF1ZaohI
「洗多札提子畀你？」239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJW5DiPdDjO
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlP36Ay7ixd
「我要食印尼撈。」她難得強硬。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡALScyAZ8M6
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhYIj2BcVQh
「你今日做咩事？奇奇怪怪。」他也不再多問，動身煮麵。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOSgnKYCFl0
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQvJDfli0cM
林蓁清楚，這是她的忍耐到臨界點了。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqACyl5tWIR
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDBteKrGFCn
她陪在他身邊一整天，開心笑開心玩，熱鬧過後，他傾訴的是另一個女子。她只是感到，自己不知為何要存在。原先還以為自己特別大量、包容，其實不是，她啞言，佔有慾在一𣊬間將她壓垮，還傷了自尊心。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQRAbEoThBF
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeB5sLMeNB7
可是他明明說她很好。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpPA0LkaDAR
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUmNZ1CYgwI
可是他明明說分手幾年發現只有她一人可以裝載他全部心聲。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU9CxLWaPFK
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnatxpsUwyv
可是他明明說她很特別。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdf4oi1DI59
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtcEfe1ej8q
陷入苦戀，心知無法繼續前進，發展出更美麗姻緣，卻捨不得離棄過往已建立的，譬如與對方的回憶，譬如自己投入過的情深意切。她那樣清楚，現時的快樂會飛散，認知若是過分清晰，實在無法浪漫。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP2Kp880F5d
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj70khi6TC6
可是在心底深處，她很想往後餘生也有他。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRkJEmIAyJu
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlrlzbeFVvo
因此她想要進食，彷彿以食物將湧動的情緒狠狠包裹。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPV4qhvjFOY
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ28qRRj0dh3
「好食！」林蓁又嘻嘻哈哈，和周立沖歡快地聊天。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeuf7FcwrDk
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnZaOKLm5ef
本想用滿是炸蒜的唇親吻他，她的臉被一隻大手蓋住後，他轉而主動親吻她的臉。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQWFZ3gNI44
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWNNjOaTkhq
呵，這樣的二人，竟然不是親密愛侶。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOtcJ7AqgaQ
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyj6lackLAs
她平靜起來——雖然由她自己敍述，彷如一個隨時都會失控的精神病人——她最怕別人怕她。然而，在旁人眼中，其實她並無特別的行徑，僅僅是，無緣無故便吃很多東西（而且，多數獨自躲起來吃）。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡREFxdiXzW3
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrjn79EbDme
不要怕我，其實我看起來很正常——這是她想對所有知道她情況的人說的話。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF20PWMn0qd
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJSD3Z6rpGM
「食多餐都好啦，你咁瘦。」239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV7C6T04YKc
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhauLi2LhD6
縱然周立沖覺得莫名其妙，但也沒有追問。他只是覺得林蓁的話很少，比起三年前，雖然因嬰兒肥減退而更美麗，但是性格越來越隱晦。她以前更加有魅力。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmF2jR6l2Od
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA2DJohVLTY
實際上他也不在意林蓁的莫名其妙。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzWnVMxWyut
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJjAchVbbJa
一直以來，她的身型沒有太大浮動，包括體重、體脂、肌肉量。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡedO90kugJw
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ43qNL4EKCg
暴食的念頭多是突然襲來，不是因為肚餓，只是覺得「想食嘢」，於是便泡個杯麵，配搭檸檬茶，隨手拾起薯片及曲奇，又吃芋圓，直至盡興。吃完後，只有無盡愧疚——啊我竟然吃了那麼多，強烈的飽腹感將身體向下沉，更加難受。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjONd2Yf1lb
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaqgSffN8Ep
持續幾天，忽然又想：我唔想變肥，唔想人哋留意到我有唔同。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFZ0FBn2XZR
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT6Y3tK6jmF
現代女子多少有點身材焦慮，更見於年輕一代，是否、是否。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsRT5SLXWpH
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLH0MMxR5Eo
因此，便又連續幾天吃少少，反正沒有人管她吃什麼，一個麵包頂全日、一杯綠茶飲一個下午，亦是常事。飢餓和過份飽肚的痛苦不同，但同樣是腹部位置作崇，前者似漩渦不斷將整個身體吸入，後者則圓潤而沉重地壓住身體。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAKFKn88Pg2
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Vx9dlZ0Ec
正常飲食幾天，又循環。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡehXqM3ueXr
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY2DikF1I81
在周立沖處留宿，其實已改善很多，畢竟二人多數吃一樣的食物，而他總叫她不要吃太少，否則沒有能量，三餐也足。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEIxwAM8ENn
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8eN9LK7w9D
最重要的是，她不想被任何人發現，自己的身心漸漸不健康起來，要以編配食物的排列緩解——她絕不接受有任何人知道。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡunuU7TMXVP
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgAERDBWDip
其實她漸漸認清，除了這些那些細碎的不幸，令她病的，還有自尊心。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH2VvbTpGii
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbHlryDbVE3
握著那無人在乎的尊嚴，以孱弱身軀保護她，不想讓人知道內在殘破。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxyWgy9DgO3
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZCSwjyL4pQ
不開心，怕被嫌棄。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoz9NF3ENs4
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQmGPhQ4TZZ
過往被家暴，怕兒時經歷影響自身太多，才壓抑，意圖說一切早就過去。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlX45OTpGG6
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDmYDdILJsy
陷入痛苦的關係，怕被質疑批判。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3S3FVmMuZw
239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaGeqV9zjL3
沒有洩漏出去的聲音，在她心頭響鬧得很，變成鋒利的刀刃，刮在脆弱的皮膚上，鮮血直流，淹沒她。239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡakLeoG6gkO
