穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNYEp3m165u
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡenouyexPak
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyXh0cDWOMQ
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfqoR67TBzy
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ53GkwlMPv1
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnFhdKKVfSK
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh28W0azFtN
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqyZjQWEEgA
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf1Ml7TiIL2
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLz7blxNsIE
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkl83eUls2I
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbQM0yfZiVv
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlcq7nN8Xgb
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSFQwgKIvVI
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOfnQKEOdkX
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7pnSb9mnGi
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡINqJAUKan6
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyVyJZKqP0J
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡps8kbgkwwq
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFyNF67ePbH
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrZ4tdyiY5T
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrvjis8RjzI
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh0cuhLHkp9
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOqGsI36qGq
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs5XtRsOVzI
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq1GWRSa8EB
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC3DrwjiCJh
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa2ROtOsvzY
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcfdm95JDvw
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJk7SAGgNfu
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPbFgXuoMJf
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFYBcvXGrjV
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNb66oV3zgO
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMPjLXId1F1
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIhbyrSSgXj
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm173AYPdW6
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2BMq8BaMEw
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdarCLwV6GE
「鍾意你。」他說。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRS5J4xN2WS
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtBbjTrlInM
「我都係。」她應。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmF7JadLwXh
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3pomw2NyNA
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡka2DX61Xwk
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ83zHVACRsX
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnwoGL6RLJh
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0N8WY5hCk7
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlroM4qdLdv
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡySlCbTw1Di
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHsXjhVve9y
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtEyok6mBNN
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFDCJDF6paC
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5i7BkW5S0j
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeYDAFkmvuy
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7CoAZsgzOp
二人過後做愛、入睡。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwv5bjpg4z0
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQi9kmj2rfS
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKA5jRsGtTZ
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeTZIgfgpQr
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZhh4nGiuOn
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvT8Ho0GRRC
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhlhSZHqFqz
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡARcdGDZ1c7
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzjUs99kb4G
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZl76H7320B
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI158BSSVGt
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY1lq3F8nHt
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0G7sKwcjZO
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm1vWybRmcv
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR2tz8W6f0T
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN5Z45RdQDP
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIMqobsMVIx
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTclinF29OV
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDeolUcKo4v
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbiWhWg2e9G
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3f8tsFAuwy
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡneLJ0HHaI2
她糊糊塗塗。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡELzF4JU6m8
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPMbrxtg9RP
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ87egwDN5hW
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuCCoB8ZMwB
最怕空虛。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgpUsnWvjxw
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUD5bUs4xIT
/325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2KeNK4herv
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlT7f1aOmUe
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz3awrYkv6y
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZTw0GxVY7i
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpvHu9hucZy
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDRWFuM1Ksd
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqSvfWkAxI6
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8WrVOdNGVO
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVj21ooq62I
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4avQtnI4hF
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr56NDkmgjz
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKTv54nGVSU
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡel164P7LFt
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi1arMBrqKK
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡha14LB7uL3
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjCnR2h8xZu
她不過在日常之中夢遊。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq0TZBEcUWb
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXx0Y1RIQNe
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtQ6abe8kA6
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpPtTQKNbko
「上年12月開始。」325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Km6NGg7uF
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqPrD3r5Ppz
「頻率係？」325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoUiNoh1cx8
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjHZpenYoTO
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVg2yi6iPDL
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Wtk7rMxCu
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdPsTvB7exo
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaMoFAjvgmd
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLQJclmLLFf
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmvfdxzp2Iq
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXLgm9p0s59
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbgAKyalhuI
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkXn3yvN719
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP3qQcB8BFR
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZCuQrdGczS
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGMPwaclj4B
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcEm7A8rKm2
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDHgErYe4nM
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5j5JbuJYCm
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtVjw1aCyau
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3auNG7UhVc
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5vc8lTgTaE
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡelc1QMZw6c
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNyeOap8CVW
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiKoYZe8FJU
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqqUH6xPcen
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPE0FWGsn5q
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIOKgBZdATs
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuxNMHY21fz
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOkzcdzwCVn
連傾訴都不真誠。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSyIO0Lj7UR
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOoXkJjCLHb
不開心又不去死。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTs0WRj4txF
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEiIBfbaqEi
不去死又不改變。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvuQLHFlZR5
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0jzUVCIOud
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr2xe4Ih5YQ
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtN57sibzAA
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLlomVHZxBQ
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhEyPIYD7VM
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡncZ13ahVlz
325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMj52F34Nhq
