後來，林蓁回想舊事，喜歡Y先生時，其實已是中四。記憶再模糊，感受亦是真。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiCDDYjDAR8
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ynI4E6Og0
她之所以傷心，除了因為他不喜歡自己，還因為那個熱心助人的同學，竟然用「豬閪」這種字詞形容人。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv5qExOxpgI
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnfiAduCaiA
自此之後，她就沒有喜歡過男生。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTryVh3Kuek
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡks7bD8uByn
／249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNGFxZoGOFe
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw0AHwtlBTZ
每次感到空虛時，林蓁也會意圖填滿自己。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgJ40n3F14z
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdwimidA422
以食物填滿胃，以粉底液填滿毛孔，以男人的話語填滿口腔。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRt8NMhP36H
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡazskOVxyLk
她記得上次輔導員問，除了跑步，她還有沒有其他的方法，可以緩解情緒。她有更多是沒有說出口的。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWDXk2YbNov
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc5V2eCMCF4
例如，暴食。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6zHZROdxRP
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSNha1Kl1TS
時時如此，只是，她後來會節食一段時間來控制身型，讓別人看不出早就經過一段飲食的變化。好吃或能提供味覺刺激的食物總是不健康的，韓國辣麵、炸雞、珍珠奶茶，唯有滿是油、糖、脂肪的「邪惡感」，才讓她覺得自己對於悲傷贖了罪。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6RGYN66suf
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDGfIXCYcr1
如果進食不健康的食物，是對身體的懲罰，那麼她作為身體的靈魂主體，折磨自己，抵擋無法隔擋的、洶湧的悲傷。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQCkaAhNOuI
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYUBzAbnDDV
記得有一次，她留在周立沖處，聽他說很掛念A小姐。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEslFv0K8g0
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLurwhtff3J
分手才兩星期，不過半個月，他若然思念，亦是正常。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjYK0uMJlyF
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2FkFKXWUXs
她無法感受自己的情緒，只是得體地應答。可是，隔了一會兒，她近乎哀求地問他：249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd7WXJ8iKQn
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrVVVFjFuZ9
「可唔可以煮個印尼撈？」249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmqEivFC4yL
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwccnFemgYk
「啱啱先食完飯……生果都食埋喎，你餓？」249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUZ8e3J2mSO
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1YK918s0Jp
「我想食嘢。」249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRbmJkRaPiI
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7W45sugRTo
「洗多札提子畀你？」249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡilDfIiadBT
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXZibxC8x9A
「我要食印尼撈。」她難得強硬。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUhnTu8ccZZ
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVMtCRIz5X2
「你今日做咩事？奇奇怪怪。」他也不再多問，動身煮麵。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbmhutfRYSS
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXMevCDxPzg
林蓁清楚，這是她的忍耐到臨界點了。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPf2DJ9xTaw
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmAGG5RJVJw
她陪在他身邊一整天，開心笑開心玩，熱鬧過後，他傾訴的是另一個女子。她只是感到，自己不知為何要存在。原先還以為自己特別大量、包容，其實不是，她啞言，佔有慾在一𣊬間將她壓垮，還傷了自尊心。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrvyBLGwK9P
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡobvBd2COzY
可是他明明說她很好。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMH5flaXGGI
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZOY2Jxkxz2
可是他明明說分手幾年發現只有她一人可以裝載他全部心聲。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyLLZKhK6KW
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbNLcZaWxFW
可是他明明說她很特別。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDP2O9wEt9X
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlTBpHmPKKB
陷入苦戀，心知無法繼續前進，發展出更美麗姻緣，卻捨不得離棄過往已建立的，譬如與對方的回憶，譬如自己投入過的情深意切。她那樣清楚，現時的快樂會飛散，認知若是過分清晰，實在無法浪漫。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp0movCXoww
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqjKL7HUMf7
可是在心底深處，她很想往後餘生也有他。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV7JhhWUep5
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmT0GRdTwXt
因此她想要進食，彷彿以食物將湧動的情緒狠狠包裹。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEaR8RC4t82
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHcQ0t4VxBw
「好食！」林蓁又嘻嘻哈哈，和周立沖歡快地聊天。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjlmoaGJ3Nk
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiCdAH4VRw0
本想用滿是炸蒜的唇親吻他，她的臉被一隻大手蓋住後，他轉而主動親吻她的臉。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0klK53ZYUW
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJZN9i5FaHJ
呵，這樣的二人，竟然不是親密愛侶。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeEHpDvDgY8
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbP84skRKdL
她平靜起來——雖然由她自己敍述，彷如一個隨時都會失控的精神病人——她最怕別人怕她。然而，在旁人眼中，其實她並無特別的行徑，僅僅是，無緣無故便吃很多東西（而且，多數獨自躲起來吃）。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUhV89tGQLA
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9go6oxk2me
不要怕我，其實我看起來很正常——這是她想對所有知道她情況的人說的話。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS8hhRUL88R
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN7YGIsW2NR
「食多餐都好啦，你咁瘦。」249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡctRS3h4H6b
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvO8vPdOXlS
縱然周立沖覺得莫名其妙，但也沒有追問。他只是覺得林蓁的話很少，比起三年前，雖然因嬰兒肥減退而更美麗，但是性格越來越隱晦。她以前更加有魅力。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOGAJHBAeUw
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqMBQ2KKYK8
實際上他也不在意林蓁的莫名其妙。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKLgwpwo8ey
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQvcOQVJqDv
一直以來，她的身型沒有太大浮動，包括體重、體脂、肌肉量。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvXyoxEFaxJ
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJwss6LJbgt
暴食的念頭多是突然襲來，不是因為肚餓，只是覺得「想食嘢」，於是便泡個杯麵，配搭檸檬茶，隨手拾起薯片及曲奇，又吃芋圓，直至盡興。吃完後，只有無盡愧疚——啊我竟然吃了那麼多，強烈的飽腹感將身體向下沉，更加難受。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡukRsq4FC64
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNMyXkKv0SK
持續幾天，忽然又想：我唔想變肥，唔想人哋留意到我有唔同。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ11dM4ASHMM
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyZhEPe6OJZ
現代女子多少有點身材焦慮，更見於年輕一代，是否、是否。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgIM6H6ijOd
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwoEswXE240
因此，便又連續幾天吃少少，反正沒有人管她吃什麼，一個麵包頂全日、一杯綠茶飲一個下午，亦是常事。飢餓和過份飽肚的痛苦不同，但同樣是腹部位置作崇，前者似漩渦不斷將整個身體吸入，後者則圓潤而沉重地壓住身體。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp7Wg19VisJ
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu7UstdKnsN
正常飲食幾天，又循環。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjZ07hJjMvy
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwVXY3YCpUD
在周立沖處留宿，其實已改善很多，畢竟二人多數吃一樣的食物，而他總叫她不要吃太少，否則沒有能量，三餐也足。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFSbPJge6gM
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlq14fBUPbS
最重要的是，她不想被任何人發現，自己的身心漸漸不健康起來，要以編配食物的排列緩解——她絕不接受有任何人知道。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiIzrEbcZxN
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP7kNtT4Cxp
其實她漸漸認清，除了這些那些細碎的不幸，令她病的，還有自尊心。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1udX5zMFuu
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWQhGkPI2aX
握著那無人在乎的尊嚴，以孱弱身軀保護她，不想讓人知道內在殘破。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcR0MgSEBvM
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtz2B6jkqng
不開心，怕被嫌棄。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt8KhZIumXc
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8tIo87EO4N
過往被家暴，怕兒時經歷影響自身太多，才壓抑，意圖說一切早就過去。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQaBdg8sw2A
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWc9aB4Y1g7
陷入痛苦的關係，怕被質疑批判。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkxKKPd6YH7
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhpLTbBue5u
沒有洩漏出去的聲音，在她心頭響鬧得很，變成鋒利的刀刃，刮在脆弱的皮膚上，鮮血直流，淹沒她。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJvkDP6TJxZ
