在很久很久前，大概在中一的時候，林蓁喜歡過一個男生。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbruk0tU6TF
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxUmvYidDY8
當時，她比廿一歲的自己還重四公斤，還戴黑框眼鏡，臉上還有一些痘痘。比起廿一歲，十二歲的她自然是不懂打扮。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpo2lGfJXRQ
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3guC7EdcuO
那個男生，暫稱他為Y先生，是她的鄰座，平時二人會互相問功課，她文科好，他理科好，因此才打開話題。他和大部分男同學一樣，小息時也會圍在一角，通常玩BS卡，或者約放學後打LOL。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡft2BOnVyl4
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmZlUB5hfgo
原本，二人一直不熟，林蓁對Y先生無感，畢竟她平常只和女生玩。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaoHgwP0qOD
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlSs2S4snLj
直到，第一次她月經來潮，當時在上課，她只感到下體濕濕的，站起來後，則被後桌的男同學大聲說：281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYJOQT90nQS
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz1KYkUwM1V
「你條裙有血！」281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtpr3irOytG
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWj01A26zCd
白色的校裙上有一撻小小的跡，還未凝固結塊，像一朵剛開的花。然後，其他人也跟著起哄。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf5mUZqx9jc
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuLGSpxJ5Wh
「大個女啦。」281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY2EdPKn8iH
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡroKQs5lbRL
「哎吔，快啲坐返低。」281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiqqvSRts8e
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJwd50WVZnc
「去廁所清理吓。」281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlamc0t3pcl
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ185ZkFpCtN
她腦袋一片空白，無法反應，對於自己竟對月經不知所措——更加不知所措。她沒有郁動，等到Y先生脫下毛衣，圍在她腰上，遮住裙子。他拍一拍她，著她去洗手間。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjXuwDHvZsH
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV3gmEdnsN0
自從這一次，她就感到自己好像喜歡了Y先生。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdikaxN84PL
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9SIOEjd2ZT
當時心思單純，對一個人有意，就寫在臉上，明明晃晃，無遮無掩。Y先生的笑話不一定好笑，但她一定會笑，而且是盡力地笑，咧開嘴角便見不夠整齊的牙，還會嬌嬌地眉眼彎彎。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5NcOXQFPV3
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoyC6hiWF0E
早上，她先到校，便自願替他到儲物櫃拿當日要用的書。一年一度的社際運動比賽，她會買飲品、小食給他。總在製造偶遇機會，遲他幾秒出課室去洗手間，然後假裝在路上一同回程，碰見，傾多兩嘴。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7qyhYskwoE
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡciT6EU3v53
好友說她的心意很明顯，她沒有說什麼，只是怯怯地睜大眼，再四處張望，確定身邊沒有人聽見這段對話。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpNMdnckdil
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAkyYgJhmON
終於，有一天，放學後，她知道Y先生會留在課室，便打算一起坐在座位上靜靜溫習。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8hDWfDIoCF
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN479Iyvb7M
但到她折返課室，聽見他和同學的對話——281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCqd1wRTPZf
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4b8xovb4k6
「林蓁係咪同你有路？好殷勤喎。」281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJbAqZcWxX9
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2jltzwxY6m
「咪係囉，又睇你比賽，又送水又送糧！」281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwQVLWtTw4k
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJpkEzk9Izp
「仲有啲眼神好痴纏，一唔講嘢就笑住咁望你。」281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKekrTIHoPL
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxb7HcptxsR
「咦～實係有嘢啦。」281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5k6D3yeAmk
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtaP8goOGvf
她聽見，竟然有點開心。理論上，她在暗戀，可是愛一個人至世上無人知曉，卻是委屈的。她更加期待Y先生的反應。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2VZljycjNz
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNQm8XpmPqg
只聽見他說：281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ74QGfLp4sv
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqClxt9RgtY
「吓！咪玩啦，豬扒嚟，我先唔會鍾意佢。」281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeyTxfvFo2o
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWtP6mXqmVE
林蓁心下一沉。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMtVC6xIIKM
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwpGmmq4ubp
「你哋幾親㗎喎。」同學說。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7MMiS0LTzd
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOy1JabwXnk
她又想，會不會是他口硬？281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFlW0SjG2Oo
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3PtiBcpn2g
「佢係都要痴埋嚟咋嘛，呢啲豬閪，我鍾意佢就真係柒頭啦。」281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo7jRaM4Xqk
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOhbKotZfyZ
「哇！睇嚟你係柒頭！」同學說。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeolwbS4pXD
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWZ8VMCwjzS
「咪再講，再聽到佢個名我要洗耳。戇鳩，我無可能鍾意佢，寧願打一世飛機。」281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH22hnGNMbL
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHBJVyzAZYc
「好過去自瀆啦。」同學說。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfUM2mwYY0V
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGKt2J2BR1Y
林蓁和那天月經來潮一樣，無法動彈，臉上也不能反應任何表情。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYt1RdahO92
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFlPiZ7HeHn
最後，她站了一會兒，轉身離去。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0QZN40Bnhd
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFbyfd5xGKX
/281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNs6SOlKZLa
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQrMZpmNXkZ
翌日，林蓁確實去了買燈泡，但沒有回家。讓父親一人多留在家一天吧——彷彿是一種小小的報復，偏偏只懂得在這些小事上用力。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJtu10Cm3Ol
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKAjaXkvkj4
她去見了周立沖。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUcOU5loNmG
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe9M3Ml03GU
一見面，他便說：「今晚不如我煮，你想食咩？」281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdgfGzOetAs
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfIfuWLbidD
三年前，二人一起，他也常常為她下廚。他這樣說，令她感到二人又回到從前戀愛時。不知道為何，世間男子千千萬，而她明知他不必然是良人，卻在他回來時洶湧澎湃，難以自控地傾瀉。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQLhwSFc7bg
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjXXyuFTcLQ
「無所謂。」281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe77qGG4XJ6
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZeEc4MgSZr
她說「無所謂」，是真的無所謂，並非心裡還有其他盤算，希望別人猜中她未講的話語。畢竟她只需將食物放進口便能填飽肚子，有什麼好要求更多；何況，有人願意煮飯——她已經很久沒有吃過住家飯，對上一次，又是他煮。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeTkxvxPRSQ
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm2RkIxu0Qu
家裡沒有飯吃。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvVmte4dGmZ
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvppFnvETu5
「都知你又會話無所謂，咁我話事啦。」281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjowhtFcePm
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLC9Z19QH5B
「你煮咩我都食。」281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxSe3F0Nnx0
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5N8q0DVQha
「傻瓜。」281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzPU7itf6Er
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKNDcuBpB8Q
他摸摸她的頭。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1lRsDOZnPJ
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnpuOlB5b4m
每次，她都對他的溫柔心動，最初，還會不懂反應，但後來便習慣，臉色自如。能夠和他走到今天這一步，她還求什麼。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIW4BAGqKE9
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxVl0UYAvFu
如果真的有辛苦的時候，也是她自尋的——281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ86uBRM1rau
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ62Pa8XlMP
譬如，她是因為喜歡他，才會無法離開這段關係；但他不是，若然情傷已癒，哪需異性的溫柔。他若真的喜歡她，最初又怎會捨棄，或者，現在又怎會回來，由她療傷。可是，即使已有清晰認知，她總想到：反正，青春也是要浪費的，除了自身可以發展的事，感情上，不是花在這個人身上，就是另一個人，倒不如，在遇見更喜歡的人之前，將愛傾瀉到他身上。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQhhyNpxOvk
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiseZ21FGHD
「快啲煮嘢啦，我好肚餓，嘻嘻。」281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡByrcHgFSzg
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAyWlbKGDGz
「不如食咗我先。」281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzC1JNFYFTZ
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI3V6eDhfTX
「唔要你，成身臭汗。」281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxpFwhpaHlg
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡExQLGE94J3
可是她又要偽裝成，其實不是非他不可。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh4QHnrrqqQ
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtN47TrzyAS
愛時時談論「無論如何」，而她的便是：喜歡他，不過又允諾他隨時離開。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ20FVwk2XCu
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8RJcrvKsom
她日夜恍神，反覆在腦海練習有一天，他會遇見愛人或是靈魂伴侶之類的東西，她故作鎮定地點點頭、應應嘴，又有一把畫外音著她好好管理顫抖的臉，不要露出濕潤的聲息。久而久之，她便以為，自己已被好好訓練過，可以接受悲痛的離散。連夢也時時出現他，再時時失落。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm3cVlOGLP1
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv8CBT5KzXn
不過，幸好，現在他在。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMsubGnfRiU
281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNTVMWi6VdX
心聲太吵鬧，她只能確保自己不要突然發瘋，苛求堅定地被愛。281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrAt1GbgGU5
