然後，她去替人補習，如常地，五點半到達學生的家。學生是一對姊妹，輪流上課，每人一小時。七點半，她便離開，回家煮個公仔面食。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe3j8UwH5sJ
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL8DseiyBjg
/266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Qqw1uLaoi
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXUGP2uDEXa
這一年來，林蓁偶然回家睡覺，偶然在外過夜。要說「偶然」，好像並不準確，最近她與周立沖交好，時時留在他宿舍，但有時，她也天天回家，畢竟宿舍不是她的家。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡySbBAJObWX
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIIwF95Ud4s
一家五口，她是二妹，也是二家姐，大家姐一早移居國外，弟弟則到外國讀書，家中只得她一個。以前，她忘記過自己有家姐，這幾年，快要連有弟弟也忘記。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6uANJppM73
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoLx9SZOEDM
進門，燈火通明，林父在客廳看電視，背靠輪椅。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkNc8yzNpfQ
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3PwSGaGqMD
「林蓁，攞紙巾過嚟。」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeDMXOvqFIm
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPIewoxk7TD
他與那個口中怒吼「你跟我姓㗎！食我嘅住我嘅，我打死你都冇人知！」的父親形象已大大不同，經歷中風，身體羸弱的他一改舊日暴戾，平靜地如一般退休老人。現在，他需要倚靠女兒的照顧。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ28DvGsBNMt
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0RDhcXGEvv
因此，像什麼事都沒有發生過一樣，與女兒「正常共對」。哪怕流露出一點點愧疚，林蓁也會好過一些。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYOvRMxAQYJ
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHtKbAAUZ9K
她沒有刻意回憶舊事，但還是記得過往——266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8MITATNOoL
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA9R5XIhf3K
林父最初，只會打大家姐。大家姐長得高，人又聰明，時時駁嘴。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcnHQZoD2kx
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡevX0kST8Di
他心情不好便會打她。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWwiXooMCIv
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ88dJuFA9Wc
大家姐多數不吭一聲，直直地瞪著父親，眼睛通紅。父親最討厭她這模樣，知道她現在不說話不求饒，為著平時他說些什麼時冷靜地反駁，他抄起飯桌上的鏡子，往她的膞頭骨打下去。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡow4q5fVOMH
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFeXRqdjMA1
一下一下打下去。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGN96hleTf8
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5RR0N2WnAw
「你唔聽話吖嘛？答我呀！我生你養你打死你都無問題呀！」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHHiaEXpB0d
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCMM3EBFwFU
「我無唔聽話呀！」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZoGN3Qhu20
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmv6hq0ZbZI
「仲講大話！」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmWeLKD33W0
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZC80YSDGr3
他捉住大家姐的頭髮，髮根吃痛，她便用腳爬到父親用力的方向，他更輕鬆地把她的頭按在地上。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1R12S9QGzP
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWGPP3hcdUh
打人工具不多，或是說沒有特定工具，要麼隨手拿起便敲到身上，要麼單純用手打打打㩒㩒㩒刮刮刮。他那樣即興，像一份浪漫美意。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOQ1dzSFV35
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd8R9WPYvwd
彼時林蓁和弟弟跪坐在房內，隔著一段距離，看爸爸和家姐。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4wgeynsvcA
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡizOPir5lnK
「你哋兩個唔好似最大嗰件咁壞！如果唔係連你哋都打。」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6oAsygEodI
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMTQfqhFGBM
小小林蓁會忍不住哭出聲來。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnx4JywZDk8
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJXU1ZfQIwh
她對父親恐懼，卻又覺得是家姐首先「曳」，所以才被父親打。她會出去，將攤在地上的家姐扶起，說：266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLFWW5CAI6Z
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd7BtnwdjYg
「你以後都唔好激嬲阿爸啦。」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRMujiMIAa0
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqfKnK4PvDL
家姐只是拍開林蓁的手：「縮頭烏龜，唔使你可憐。」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFot5yenvze
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdrq1Em7SNS
媽媽回家，見到屋內一片死寂，也沒提什麼，只說：「開飯啦。」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjjXWu0gay1
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMuKQn2JEaA
/266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfc92MW53JL
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIj0plmecXK
然後，林蓁把紙巾遞給父親，他抽出，用力呻鼻涕。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZrVw4fal3e
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzCuOao9iYC
她去煮辛辣麵，不再另以碗裝住，就這樣捧著鍋吃，坐在客廳，沒有和父親看一樣的電視內容，只是看電話。新聞新聞，姜濤，譚仔，SASA特價，清潔工權利，腦袋卻無法裝載更多。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq5brNAla9U
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgK9iNj5S1S
快快吃完，她去洗鍋。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnOYylQE5RA
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡssUq1afixT
林蓁從不會過分霸佔一個空間，即使長期留在一個地方，如家，如周立沖的宿舍，她的物件都沒有幾多。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2YpSNysfVJ
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGQJQ6Ku54f
自小，父親便不喜歡她將玩具放出客廳，有次，她將一個小熊公仔放在沙發上，然後去廁所，出來時，便不見了小熊。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaA5PJkfjbb
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPX5nRxMANS
「熊仔去咗邊？」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa4BypASoWh
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXwxyXZWXf2
「我抌咗。」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXKVidQxhwH
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡomqU0GEhSp
「吓……」她小小聲，馬上到垃圾桶裡撿小熊，只見它對上有一堆橙皮、紙巾、洋蔥。倒是沒有哭，只不斷地用水沖涮小熊，又嗅了嗅，酸臭味仍然不走，加梘液，起泡刷。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡANuowmyLO2
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAi1V0R7aDo
當時她已很怕父親，便不敢說什麼，只環抱小熊，在他面前行過，證明她對小熊不離不棄。從此，她不再將自己的東西，放在「不屬於自己」的地方，譬如客廳、廚房。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKD7u9MlQik
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvGTryoPLkT
她在家霸佔的位置也越來越小，開始覺得多餘。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZYT8blHvPj
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡabRmv28cXO
此刻，斟了一杯水後，林蓁在父親面前吃藥，他的眼神依然死死盯著電視螢幕。她根本不必避諱。她是幸運的。在避談精神病的城裡，她的親人要麼離開了，要麼對她不管不顧，誰管她的死活呢。一個人的能量有限，她不必花心神在隱藏自己的狀態之上。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJG76kOjWoF
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNSpfRokIBv
和她一屋簷下的血親，甚至不知道她幾歲、唸什麼、將來會返咩工。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPt5DXJnyoP
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcjxcOR8viu
二人不會說話——反正她不會牽起話頭。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡniuAwPzYNM
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHZgWF7lNVf
和他，不知有什麼好講。每個家庭，也是如此麼——恐怕不是，畢竟她羨慕過別人家的融洽和睦。閉上屋門，死氣沉沉，只得腳步聲來來回回拖拉。對於她現在的一切，除了煞有介事地和輔導員講之外，就沒有辦法與人道，慢慢，她的語言能力也枯萎，必要說的事以外，連組織也困難。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdfsGizClte
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCHsaOCWcyd
有時，她會怨恨全屋人都走光，家姐一早撇下她，母親死了，細佬又走，得她一個留在家。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Y3Xgdlezt
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv2NTu92JnZ
家姐離開後，父親便找林蓁出氣，依然是拳打腳踢。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ60gdFTsWen
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpwdaCF1YzZ
但，她從來沒有「激嬲」父親。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt02AhqY55i
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOrNMPM2UUd
/266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyZctxdRwrC
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKWKuzWrCYY
那時，小小林蓁和家姐陷入一種莫名其妙的冷戰。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFwmPJiPhZ3
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5fVFGiBtMb
二人沒有吵架，只是，當林蓁叫家姐不要再惹父親生氣、又故作乖巧地斟水給他喝消消氣後，家姐每次見她，便沒有好臉色。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaeFKpiAJdZ
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcJphBEAhSc
作為二女兒，家庭的中間位置，平凡、不突出、不顯眼；林蓁擁有「希望所有人都喜歡自己」的渴望，否則，誰會關心她呢。家姐更聰明堅強，而弟弟是家中唯一男兒。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3NebfAoCuH
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhx8rS0c0YY
林蓁總是溫溫和和，不吵不鬧，她一早發現自己不是可以雲淡風輕的天之驕子，也沒有勇氣離經叛道做野孩子，要得到歡心和關注，只能做好自身，微笑對人，得體應答，天真可愛，人蓄無害——她有這樣的天賦。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9UlpprxujD
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFF3P0C8jcd
她自覺喜歡充當人與人之間的潤滑劑，或者說是，討厭別人對立，每次如此，她不知道應該支持哪方。而且，別人若是熱鬧，又有誰看見只瑟縮的她呢。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZStdzGDYFL
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd6LcizS6qG
所以，每次家姐被父親打，林蓁也會看看家姐，問她痛不痛。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2BxYuZwhe0
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzuSm8UFoX2
「你匿埋都唔緊要，你同細佬仲細，都無辦法攔到阿爸。但點解要叫我唔好激佢？」家姐說。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsAgTbSYg6Z
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn9WwRQ7mVp
「我驚你畀佢打得更加犀利。」林蓁說。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRENQeam0Pr
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiK5SFh5wie
「唔係我令到佢打我㗎！係佢自己發神經㗎！」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiRoAZK5Bt3
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6FWwbUo46w
「咁佢打緊你嗰陣時，向佢求饒，等佢快啲打完啦……」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmS4KbVWx05
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN2sprj08ZG
「佢又打唔死我，為咗嗰少少快啲打完，求佢？你係我個妹，咁無骨氣？」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3zwJPCOh3F
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Mbj6VLtUm
林蓁不知為何，竟然哭了起來。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzHjQRKg9ci
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3hmq1Xkv7g
「你仲喊！又唔係你畀人打！你仲要斟水畀阿爸！喊喊喊，你喊咩呀？」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCMaZy9FTv7
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLa76m7GQWN
姊妹二人，一連幾日沒有說過話。起初，林蓁還厚著面皮，將自己早餐的面包及腸仔分給家姐（父親罰家姐不準食飯），但被拒絕。後來，林蓁也生氣起來，心想你不理我我也不理你，便不再主動和家姐搭話。二人其實一直也留意對方，回頭時會對視，但只有一秒，都急急移開目光。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ZDkCSqTdB
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQTFtYBcQwA
直至父親又打家姐。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlGBVQTUwUo
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTz8IVSzZpq
原因並不特別，就是家姐食飯食得慢，父親生氣，便打她。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2LCe6FyHM1
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVkMrMX3704
家姐依然沒有說話，雖然流淚但沒有出聲。林蓁依然擁著弟弟瑟縮一角，只是，下一秒，她又想到，家姐生氣可能是因為以前她沒有出來維護家人，於是，她便鼓起勇氣，衝出來：266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNCFsTIeItJ
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcUabUM45tn
「阿爸唔好再打啦！家姐知錯啦！」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdkRNffIQ0W
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4sq8anwLbx
「佢知錯？咁佢唔講？」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg9LxHaqZmx
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡra5Z950hi9
「家姐真係知錯！」林蓁情不自禁地流淚起來：「你望吓！家姐喊！全面都係眼淚，佢只係唔好意思講咋嘛！」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKXr9GwNK5r
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDe9gL17WKJ
「喊代表知錯咩？佢唔知有悔意喎！」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwGyZVE03nu
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNb5RK99itM
「真㗎真㗎！」林蓁撒謊：「上次你話完佢，佢話你講得啱㗎！」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNy4o8wmjdU
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkHcPlV0UK4
「我無！」家姐搖頭。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJuKY3f3zs1
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWtNlWNav9C
「你唔好口硬啦，已經好多傷啦！」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb4exFhZHAZ
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZHigzqNF98
「既然你哋咁講，今日就算，以後再駁嘴就打。」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsJKNw2habq
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtDJzOx9okh
「多謝阿爸。」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIWOipULXQ2
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡktjchWIAH4
家姐推了林蓁落地。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7jl4rDJVJf
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ4f9VMK2kp
「你做咩要咁講啊？做咪屈我啊？」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSqp1xYLUSu
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpAmoML65et
「我唔想阿爸再打你咋。」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9PiQXhPDdA
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5z4VO9Jlnz
「你根本唔明，我被佢打係因為曳咩？佢想無啦啦打人咋！咁啱係我。你同佢求饒？以後佢都係會打㗎！同呢啲人講對唔住做咩？」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrrsOot4cHb
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSDSa9q6vDJ
以往家姐怎樣被父親打，眼睛紅紅，但始終沒有哭出聲來。她在內心與己戰鬥：喊出嚟就輸。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV4Ugtuid1p
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8jxXtXysK6
但現在，家姐越說越委屈，竟然哭了。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfm3whhAoJE
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaebXHDgenA
小小林蓁不明白，以為為家姐好。多年後，她才知道，家姐覺得林蓁擅作主張的求饒，是一種背叛。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbIIR6wqapd
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQlqS1abi7P
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266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLu6TQZeBFM
隨即，她去洗澡，在黑暗中淋浴，覺得一切都很靜，視覺的減退一併萎縮其他感官。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWk1pg1JCzK
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeWipAvru0L
不知是否吃了藥的緣故，她比以往快入睡。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUahKZWd8qK
