穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPSFWK9khaA
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2dyMFqMN3L
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVSawsTDUTt
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU9dCxiNUli
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQr3DVvXKXs
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwJc6T8w4Sy
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPU4SRcx1sX
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDfWXHQPlnr
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡivevPHmIR2
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0SW342FzZR
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEBF0HT5RKd
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQfvD3qLHhJ
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfpnXtEKWpV
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe05BcGoxRe
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHq41gIuMPz
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS4bP1YBFn8
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcGFm7y5h4u
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6o0ZX8kwnZ
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQkAKGYINjN
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa6Exeg31Oa
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcBZcoM6HMN
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt6p8To3XOu
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrb43DOPN3J
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnWl9XQ5HCQ
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6uPJA9gkHw
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXx27wo24Rl
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCc159fPRlz
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGVPH4f1YKl
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoEr1cSm6bv
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Q6saL9HuG
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXKebZp2tUs
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL87oR33ZK6
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcSvmg2pW3G
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYJSd3CsRPW
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0dsNNeRskE
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgwea1zro2E
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYwpfwUTOAO
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYVgYm8NEEQ
「鍾意你。」他說。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhFwZcKE9HI
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf0Tc4tdG7o
「我都係。」她應。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb9Onm5WAOx
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOe3vjM05mI
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWcArhSpQcc
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡovssvISbvH
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ZjqWMqxCm
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPUBcGrITTb
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ14lEM51rOj
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU6ma9CORIU
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7iKxDiysas
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwTbIPsJKXO
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4K0hQIbTy2
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCzWpoiAnCW
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ823S4AETwn
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRtrZOzYrbf
二人過後做愛、入睡。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9QncDQ2UYX
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmf6O2B0uqD
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGEFJt271NA
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdA5BYQX9zN
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVS8CZXhtzO
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB1pgCP2MAd
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFD5lKi7DI9
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG0AZCeJWVt
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYHsAeN1JHL
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV5oaPGWPmg
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu8KlzVATay
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡejRj5976em
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ZjeziXrAS
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQqc97s9Xqr
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZKH1ZlnLVj
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVyv2K8u8UA
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrpNFlhuzBg
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqZYlt45S21
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAGZuA6Rn3y
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM2DXRSYCni
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO5sHsHXXoG
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYgBCpn7qQx
她糊糊塗塗。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfnKgB09l4j
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpWlV2X0deu
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRsbT2qmgid
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg4OkXC5Lfq
最怕空虛。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3baACBEVB4
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo7ycrZN8Tp
/335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkzEt9yqGoq
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPQIIHYD2La
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpNgptddVfh
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz6FsXfuNzF
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ6P9OhRy8V
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ItHXMSpiy
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyI276Qwdk3
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3WM20xTqvm
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKxsPHgswZG
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIqWG2E5nmE
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvKth7QG5WH
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZNOcUSniJA
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCTFeg1EFCJ
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpZMoUerG1R
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAtrcNxLhpu
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWiCQQW6Njd
她不過在日常之中夢遊。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡocfNsn8vuz
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm2Y9XS51PK
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVANBEyV4nD
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFXuVnLOydE
「上年12月開始。」335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEiUsTSPZ7d
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaEHSrgrJ9h
「頻率係？」335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSOPQ2qfCHA
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPi9cbmZoav
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP2tyli38Ac
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqBQ57VmgC9
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqF2sT90slL
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrDrA4joBuA
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHb0qVCFGS2
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdLKn5pexmV
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQdQfChiaBc
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMOV08Jjyxa
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW9WRk75byW
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0JckdrUPH2
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2zZOrSDLQ1
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9w2kdrcYH5
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmzLL3JiDuY
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcdBVsIdVq1
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWdVTfvJoHi
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHETmRwboxh
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlHeEjhp6Y6
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgDuml6jk2e
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxW5Fs2CWii
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvpW2iecfVk
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjmiUhB2gmy
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQBDtuccyPe
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJeqJOX7e8S
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZpQMQQQjIq
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡogPTkhfMSC
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAgGxMczQIe
連傾訴都不真誠。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhrZR9uikjs
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGYolr6Hmx5
不開心又不去死。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiRK6AgeRTv
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡerAELoVzgK
不去死又不改變。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ58pZWppjIn
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxm4twLXyzu
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqY9zzP09vo
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLOI5KvoHN0
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5t1txwxbjP
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJXYL2kw531
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ54N8G8Qxpg
335Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡINT0UcVjky
