然後，她去替人補習，如常地，五點半到達學生的家。學生是一對姊妹，輪流上課，每人一小時。七點半，她便離開，回家煮個公仔面食。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWbsclcJ06o
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6L9W9EK6xE
/276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5E8aZZ3GuR
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk2nwwjZWb3
這一年來，林蓁偶然回家睡覺，偶然在外過夜。要說「偶然」，好像並不準確，最近她與周立沖交好，時時留在他宿舍，但有時，她也天天回家，畢竟宿舍不是她的家。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiiIN2UjdAo
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡId9837PRud
一家五口，她是二妹，也是二家姐，大家姐一早移居國外，弟弟則到外國讀書，家中只得她一個。以前，她忘記過自己有家姐，這幾年，快要連有弟弟也忘記。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj7ckkZyKTU
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVVdk6FctRU
進門，燈火通明，林父在客廳看電視，背靠輪椅。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWFAbWfJkDV
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsFjAGhIqkT
「林蓁，攞紙巾過嚟。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2XlP1LZcdj
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDIFWFzaD1B
他與那個口中怒吼「你跟我姓㗎！食我嘅住我嘅，我打死你都冇人知！」的父親形象已大大不同，經歷中風，身體羸弱的他一改舊日暴戾，平靜地如一般退休老人。現在，他需要倚靠女兒的照顧。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsOphND6F3K
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjfpdBSeWxa
因此，像什麼事都沒有發生過一樣，與女兒「正常共對」。哪怕流露出一點點愧疚，林蓁也會好過一些。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFFEARJo1S8
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS1FPvduRt6
她沒有刻意回憶舊事，但還是記得過往——276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMxq65Z2GZE
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡunPF5dBeSQ
林父最初，只會打大家姐。大家姐長得高，人又聰明，時時駁嘴。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlrLdL2GNs7
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFHDFBz7xII
他心情不好便會打她。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmBn6Wig0uV
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyD1g468eXB
大家姐多數不吭一聲，直直地瞪著父親，眼睛通紅。父親最討厭她這模樣，知道她現在不說話不求饒，為著平時他說些什麼時冷靜地反駁，他抄起飯桌上的鏡子，往她的膞頭骨打下去。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDy9ysWSBVo
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡONln2ITAoh
一下一下打下去。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjt2Z70sQ3x
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKLcRQDVMaS
「你唔聽話吖嘛？答我呀！我生你養你打死你都無問題呀！」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyWYPaIwSd6
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHVAlCN60e2
「我無唔聽話呀！」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwA3PG3Mout
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX7jzYqhEd5
「仲講大話！」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxgh49t0Grs
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMhDXpl4XDX
他捉住大家姐的頭髮，髮根吃痛，她便用腳爬到父親用力的方向，他更輕鬆地把她的頭按在地上。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlmLaMLN4Rd
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTpIJfFapr3
打人工具不多，或是說沒有特定工具，要麼隨手拿起便敲到身上，要麼單純用手打打打㩒㩒㩒刮刮刮。他那樣即興，像一份浪漫美意。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFHffUFHnTO
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLHQ5dhOqfZ
彼時林蓁和弟弟跪坐在房內，隔著一段距離，看爸爸和家姐。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMbT3pWu7eI
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqbMIua69VI
「你哋兩個唔好似最大嗰件咁壞！如果唔係連你哋都打。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFHTlK8ReY6
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡooe8t9iDmJ
小小林蓁會忍不住哭出聲來。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDnBkdbPHEs
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡry1bwNih6v
她對父親恐懼，卻又覺得是家姐首先「曳」，所以才被父親打。她會出去，將攤在地上的家姐扶起，說：276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWqEiBWSahB
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxFHSYTAVl6
「你以後都唔好激嬲阿爸啦。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtAMO1Wx3PQ
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMOpUqi7dcK
家姐只是拍開林蓁的手：「縮頭烏龜，唔使你可憐。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl0WOdvHf20
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9OPmwmEzPr
媽媽回家，見到屋內一片死寂，也沒提什麼，只說：「開飯啦。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTLacI9NrkD
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi9xqZE1nB2
/276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzjIHFt79om
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqn8LX9mtde
然後，林蓁把紙巾遞給父親，他抽出，用力呻鼻涕。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyqAZ9feUeO
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPyIaFNncSh
她去煮辛辣麵，不再另以碗裝住，就這樣捧著鍋吃，坐在客廳，沒有和父親看一樣的電視內容，只是看電話。新聞新聞，姜濤，譚仔，SASA特價，清潔工權利，腦袋卻無法裝載更多。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9osTd7rEqN
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa3EIoSRSw3
快快吃完，她去洗鍋。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYCzQXEgzBJ
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgVL8Ls7c3n
林蓁從不會過分霸佔一個空間，即使長期留在一個地方，如家，如周立沖的宿舍，她的物件都沒有幾多。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFJ46Z2c6HE
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMtdMu3CKch
自小，父親便不喜歡她將玩具放出客廳，有次，她將一個小熊公仔放在沙發上，然後去廁所，出來時，便不見了小熊。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfM4SqpYn0c
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjHW8mR1y4s
「熊仔去咗邊？」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd7nGxzV5cG
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNukntUEEZ1
「我抌咗。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡePxwwIGAd1
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJSkVwChZek
「吓……」她小小聲，馬上到垃圾桶裡撿小熊，只見它對上有一堆橙皮、紙巾、洋蔥。倒是沒有哭，只不斷地用水沖涮小熊，又嗅了嗅，酸臭味仍然不走，加梘液，起泡刷。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmMkgOLJeag
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDdd1Vulk8w
當時她已很怕父親，便不敢說什麼，只環抱小熊，在他面前行過，證明她對小熊不離不棄。從此，她不再將自己的東西，放在「不屬於自己」的地方，譬如客廳、廚房。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEmWIE4Ng8R
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ77pHvRWSLb
她在家霸佔的位置也越來越小，開始覺得多餘。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2nioIKEE3G
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtY0pl7clPp
此刻，斟了一杯水後，林蓁在父親面前吃藥，他的眼神依然死死盯著電視螢幕。她根本不必避諱。她是幸運的。在避談精神病的城裡，她的親人要麼離開了，要麼對她不管不顧，誰管她的死活呢。一個人的能量有限，她不必花心神在隱藏自己的狀態之上。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkGhyYeAe1e
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzI3eqqoIj3
和她一屋簷下的血親，甚至不知道她幾歲、唸什麼、將來會返咩工。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK8rEPFd620
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWzkD1FWVAp
二人不會說話——反正她不會牽起話頭。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo7pF7XRnob
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpZaAud52c6
和他，不知有什麼好講。每個家庭，也是如此麼——恐怕不是，畢竟她羨慕過別人家的融洽和睦。閉上屋門，死氣沉沉，只得腳步聲來來回回拖拉。對於她現在的一切，除了煞有介事地和輔導員講之外，就沒有辦法與人道，慢慢，她的語言能力也枯萎，必要說的事以外，連組織也困難。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPXxLXiqnWR
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMCXHvSZ4mV
有時，她會怨恨全屋人都走光，家姐一早撇下她，母親死了，細佬又走，得她一個留在家。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ldX2n9aGN
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBy1PWvliIP
家姐離開後，父親便找林蓁出氣，依然是拳打腳踢。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcTQ5lCUrys
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNoFwVqMeXY
但，她從來沒有「激嬲」父親。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhqUcugdEyB
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZBBtleeHLF
/276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ZYBABQ1M6
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlZZtmZNa70
那時，小小林蓁和家姐陷入一種莫名其妙的冷戰。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5AdQTlJHYl
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ84h0nYAbrp
二人沒有吵架，只是，當林蓁叫家姐不要再惹父親生氣、又故作乖巧地斟水給他喝消消氣後，家姐每次見她，便沒有好臉色。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJgCxkf6Y3P
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfwG5hgs8YC
作為二女兒，家庭的中間位置，平凡、不突出、不顯眼；林蓁擁有「希望所有人都喜歡自己」的渴望，否則，誰會關心她呢。家姐更聰明堅強，而弟弟是家中唯一男兒。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb1JDQjruE0
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Mj4r9Rj1n
林蓁總是溫溫和和，不吵不鬧，她一早發現自己不是可以雲淡風輕的天之驕子，也沒有勇氣離經叛道做野孩子，要得到歡心和關注，只能做好自身，微笑對人，得體應答，天真可愛，人蓄無害——她有這樣的天賦。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZJVM3d9aGj
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgkmop0Jkw7
她自覺喜歡充當人與人之間的潤滑劑，或者說是，討厭別人對立，每次如此，她不知道應該支持哪方。而且，別人若是熱鬧，又有誰看見只瑟縮的她呢。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd6Yb5N8wFX
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0qy2e5TUXB
所以，每次家姐被父親打，林蓁也會看看家姐，問她痛不痛。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS2ntnIDd0B
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5wPp3DL9Xt
「你匿埋都唔緊要，你同細佬仲細，都無辦法攔到阿爸。但點解要叫我唔好激佢？」家姐說。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTsh3TWk8nC
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIhGg0x9SEC
「我驚你畀佢打得更加犀利。」林蓁說。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGfnEyQ2kpG
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡryqCOjretQ
「唔係我令到佢打我㗎！係佢自己發神經㗎！」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBOZm0mfIzB
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbTvBqVvNmn
「咁佢打緊你嗰陣時，向佢求饒，等佢快啲打完啦……」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeTJnaFGoLz
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Sj1YI8hSq
「佢又打唔死我，為咗嗰少少快啲打完，求佢？你係我個妹，咁無骨氣？」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyydeuGBuOw
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVcIYF5uHbc
林蓁不知為何，竟然哭了起來。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG8WqxgBjbt
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1z3KI489Jv
「你仲喊！又唔係你畀人打！你仲要斟水畀阿爸！喊喊喊，你喊咩呀？」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSCwTBseZqT
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ02JslcT453
姊妹二人，一連幾日沒有說過話。起初，林蓁還厚著面皮，將自己早餐的面包及腸仔分給家姐（父親罰家姐不準食飯），但被拒絕。後來，林蓁也生氣起來，心想你不理我我也不理你，便不再主動和家姐搭話。二人其實一直也留意對方，回頭時會對視，但只有一秒，都急急移開目光。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡziyfHBUWMz
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlk35AKdfUL
直至父親又打家姐。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1S1DTYAz2J
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrpWYX4RLel
原因並不特別，就是家姐食飯食得慢，父親生氣，便打她。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd7zVXYXoME
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYJISs8Perz
家姐依然沒有說話，雖然流淚但沒有出聲。林蓁依然擁著弟弟瑟縮一角，只是，下一秒，她又想到，家姐生氣可能是因為以前她沒有出來維護家人，於是，她便鼓起勇氣，衝出來：276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg7924KKwcU
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjWwe2MbGzz
「阿爸唔好再打啦！家姐知錯啦！」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSLE6asUxIe
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJoYff518Sc
「佢知錯？咁佢唔講？」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZHKr6v6Z1r
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ64jFuRHKXW
「家姐真係知錯！」林蓁情不自禁地流淚起來：「你望吓！家姐喊！全面都係眼淚，佢只係唔好意思講咋嘛！」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPiZgsCLMDq
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZV3UJyCZDU
「喊代表知錯咩？佢唔知有悔意喎！」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfzwyjvcqxE
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8JFRXC44J7
「真㗎真㗎！」林蓁撒謊：「上次你話完佢，佢話你講得啱㗎！」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjUIEv9vx1D
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU5uVTe2xci
「我無！」家姐搖頭。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6KKFSn7stS
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9glEHvhWpW
「你唔好口硬啦，已經好多傷啦！」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGxRPW2gwA4
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWrdAoVKSJW
「既然你哋咁講，今日就算，以後再駁嘴就打。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBgvNUBZcJL
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcw196tMIXQ
「多謝阿爸。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMjanEwAnkR
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNVWzKzzyVi
家姐推了林蓁落地。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDWKI0WQoU6
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhXmdGUTYR9
「你做咩要咁講啊？做咪屈我啊？」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR115VnEj54
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVSYi2sfkXE
「我唔想阿爸再打你咋。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Gt0ZH7VHm
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPIxicsMgPj
「你根本唔明，我被佢打係因為曳咩？佢想無啦啦打人咋！咁啱係我。你同佢求饒？以後佢都係會打㗎！同呢啲人講對唔住做咩？」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ktdCt74k7
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhHrEWDh7Zq
以往家姐怎樣被父親打，眼睛紅紅，但始終沒有哭出聲來。她在內心與己戰鬥：喊出嚟就輸。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy7lFyNJf2p
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUIA3qrn7kn
但現在，家姐越說越委屈，竟然哭了。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4jIkBY7JJq
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBGCa3RzM4w
小小林蓁不明白，以為為家姐好。多年後，她才知道，家姐覺得林蓁擅作主張的求饒，是一種背叛。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNay9Vnr972
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6uxaZWf7p3
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276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡenL4eATDcF
隨即，她去洗澡，在黑暗中淋浴，覺得一切都很靜，視覺的減退一併萎縮其他感官。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNzhsOlQiw5
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgHpftdB6i4
不知是否吃了藥的緣故，她比以往快入睡。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVeAAauD1X5
