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午餐用膳後，男生們大多會將多餘時間花在學校操場，或場上打籃球，或場外觀賽。我亦不例外，在場邊與同學輕聲討論打球技巧。忘形之際，一個籃球高速自後側飛來，狠狠砸中我右耳耳背。場中男生上前向我連聲道歉，我只道不要緊。男生拾球後繼續回場較勁，沒把事情放心上。當然，我也沒所謂，小事一椿。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvW5UNK7S9j
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnjHrIXsByI
令我在意的反倒是球場另邊有個陌生男生對我微笑。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvrBXLIiHvD
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxnHBZOJx8B
匆匆一笑，半秒即逝。他轉頭跟身邊友人繼續說說笑笑。我挺肯定自己想多了——對方不是故意對著我笑，僅是他的站立姿勢及面向角度湊巧朝著我這邊來。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbNm5Gg28FG
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8LogqbhPWz
但我還是記住了那抹笑容，記住了他的臉容氣質，記住日光照在他臉營造出來的明暗。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZVIa7zhy0A
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTOxTvPYDaL
為何記住？我解釋不了。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFITByKc5JW
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtMBx94t3Yl
好幾個月過去，夏天轉換為冬。颯颯寒風成功減少場邊女生數目，男生仍然在此閒聊逛蕩。同行朋友忽爾興起，動身到場裡打球。我笑笑婉拒，說吃飽想睡不想動。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ4Hsj5zqq4
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN688wSRYS4
我獨坐長椅一邊，納悶之際，兩個男生前來佔坐長椅另端空位。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPuoBt7u6BX
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡln52VYF8Om
其中一個是他。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5HWAN8ffdD
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcczrHVIaYv
那笑那臉那明暗，歷歷在目。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMcQkEU62jZ
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk0C0ZMFPwJ
心頭一顫，我馬上別過臉去。數秒後，我稍為冷靜，意識到自己的失態，佯裝無異，繼續觀看球賽。不過他似乎察覺我的異樣，有意無意對我展露笑容——一個意味深長的笑容。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjkXIrpHOqr
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZRGLA7z2Al
我尷尬離座回課室去。走樓梯至三樓時，他竟從後叫住我。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW7kASYPBYY
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqkvhl4NH1W
「你遺下銀包。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJuiWB1H0Ud
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIhsQTkXPxY
「謝謝。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHVO8p2HqUn
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQBM79f5nzB
「不用客氣……」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKzwcmirjs1
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlo5y9asE7b
奇怪。看他忸怩模樣，他似乎還有話要對我說。說甚麼？不是必須相識的陌生人可以如何打開話題？甚或是「為何要展開話題」？207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3cZaUU6szv
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4yDqK4LWO4
氣氛尷尬，四目交投，卻不知如何是好。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvFHqhTrU0J
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFuYlEBupM4
直至提著半滿水桶和微濕地拖的校工在我倆之間經過，彼此才回過神來，甚有默契同時分別從兩個方向離開。我往上，他往下。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ65XFVJUQKj
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlBCg1C0Pc0
誰料在午飯時間完結後，我們還是在五樓走廊再次碰面——原來我們都是中五生。由於班別不同、社交圈子不重疊，所以未曾正式認識。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeNzm1w8nRv
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxOfHd8787x
不要緊。現在互相自我介紹就可以。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7zyVxniaJO
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGckoJEjThU
「我是文班許家偉。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqMog4fJNF1
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUSxtghShNG
「我是理班李浩榮。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA4gDzCejHC
其實我早已知道許家偉。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbJCRwMXCrj
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNbtAKUK6fp
我心儀對象就是喜歡許家偉。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPZK9OCkHQ1
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxm3QpLgRJl
被拒絕的心情久久不散。我開始留意許家偉這個人。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJZDlVhgzxk
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡptbOlbttlD
拜託阿強向文班生打探有關許家偉的事。某文班生說許家偉無啥特別，亦無專長或短處，是個存在感不強的乖學生。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvOgTKpWmis
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxI7QqLoxTd
我不明所以——為何心儀對象看上他？207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6xeOjeh8Hx
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvJNfXLuio4
不是認為心儀對象定要接受我或是對方必須比我優勝，只是我真的找不到許家偉有何可愛之處。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4iEnF3We88
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8czeanw4lI
不服氣。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡukasDJwRvh
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS1e1I2FFih
繼續觀察他。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq4aYIF3PwB
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaRdvsyuZwq
匆匆數月，秋去冬來，我對許家偉好奇不減。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTEy7qKymwO
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo2u5JGf0yw
某天午餐後，我和阿強發現許家偉獨坐操場長椅，於是立即齊齊上前佔據長椅另端，近距離觀察他。他似乎發現我們的奇異目光，動身離開。正感沒趣，阿強發現地上有一個銀包。查看內裡，看見許家偉的學生證。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMWZqH5OBeP
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsBv1AzT9sM
阿強建議取走內裡金錢和學生證，再將銀包交到校務處。我反對，擔心惹禍上身。阿強問我是否討厭許家偉。我無正面回應，僅是堅持物歸原主。阿強讓步，將銀包遞給我。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxUdTD1mfVp
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Us5rypLFi
我急步追趕許家偉。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn9J5xxwRCD
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf6wfz1FNvj
不明白自己此刻行為。正如阿強所問，我不是討厭許家偉嗎？人前，我一直表達對許家偉的討厭；人後，我曾多次理性分析過自己有沒有討厭他的實質理由。沒有，尤其在我對心儀對象忘情以後。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBk4gNPnE6n
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs18ca4XOyS
奈何留意許家偉經已成為我的習慣。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8mDzdD3XPm
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRyiF1NWq7D
遠遠看見他的身影，我自然而然打起十二分精神；聽到心儀對象與好友聊天時提及許家偉，我對他的好奇大於對心儀對象的；走經中五級壁報板，會不經意試找許家偉的名字……207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXPjHbQz3Lm
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNYZ2WHrqtU
「你遺下了銀包。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL6fgMfFf9O
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9R5Dc34WI6
「謝謝。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6wBEajzsYg
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvKOPp3IypM
「不用客氣……」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoXDGF1jeFx
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8VyoSP7FFb
經已物歸原主。他道謝，我虛應，然後該是沒有然後。但我們還是愣在原地。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJAZkG0lC0t
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhEeHeu26RW
該要說甚麼？還需要說甚麼？沒有啊！但我們還是原地愣著。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡakhMu7gTuj
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0RAdsuhXdj
他是否一早知道我？他是否早已察覺我在留意他？不會吧……207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvxtu7oW3zv
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4byaln7nP8
我望入他雙眼。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoXDSsY4E0a
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzNpUVOAlbN
不。我鐵定他不認識我。他的眼神迷惘疑惑忐忑，似乎在期待甚麼……207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMrM8MzHTNS
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡan5ZXj9G9l
一名校工在我和許家偉之間走過。我在視線被阻擋當刻回過神來，低頭轉身離開。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeX5lPuEaeA
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4hjPhj8C9o
我回到操場側長椅。阿強仍在，問我有否教訓許家偉一頓。我苦笑罵他發神經。阿強收起笑容，認真勸我別壓抑情緒。我說理解許家偉是無辜的，不會繼續討厭他。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBsSaEcihGA
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ84pcJTttTY
上課鈴聲響起，學生魚貫回課室去。人群中，我在五樓走廊與許家偉迎個正著。他驚訝之情洋溢於表。我反倒開懷笑了，笑他遲鈍，後知後覺。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8vXDWcnlVu
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOV4qvjdQZQ
許家偉臉紅，禮貌地點點頭，上前自我介紹。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhaieDbXzzZ
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJx8yuuUEes
「我是文班許家偉。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFNNjojb20R
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp341DIawPb
「我是理班李浩榮。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJfbHPtZRyZ
畢業多年，我跟李浩榮從未聯絡過——當我這麼講，舊生聚會上人人皆表出乎意料：「你們當年那麼要好，竟然未曾聯絡一次？」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1UKuKe09Wz
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuSwpPZMHWg
我笑笑點頭，不多解釋。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZTgl2SCLmX
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0TEeAoXPN9
畢業禮當晚，他告訴我，他的心儀對象喜歡我。我問他那女生是誰，我可以當面拒絕她。他說不必，因為他已不愛他。我感到奇怪：如已釋懷，為何重提。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNnEcNn0dh2
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnysGCeRNjD
李浩榮笑笑，笑說他已覺悟，明白人的真正作用。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIibVMcashZ
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdrFHDaMr08
聽到這莫名其妙的答案，我就知道他醉了——他喝下很多酒。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEmiLo7VyUI
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡduoYDkM8QS
他說人的真正作用就是將另外兩個不相識的人串連在一起，或是把深交的兩個人分開，例如那女生無意間將我帶到他的人生當中，而我又無意間成為他和青梅竹馬鬧翻原因。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ1Iv8C2K4P
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ET7qjtPhW
我大概聽出話裡的話。有點難過，有點無奈，有點害怕——害怕今晚坦白心聲以後，我和李浩榮再無交集。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOAENHkoIKi
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo8ZhSZ70zl
但我沒有阻止他。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnZ9532F5MQ
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡokTR0lXfR1
他壓抑已久，情感需要釋放。這很可能是我以朋友身份給他的最後禮物。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJHOLDVrJzG
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmCL3dwysOb
我慫恿他繼續說下去。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvU27QLkuT2
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0u8n1PRN5R
他跟阿強相識於幼稚園。他倆都是頑皮孩子，經常氣得老師向父母投訴，父母夜裡就來一頓痛打。他們經常看到對方手腫腳瘀，起初會擔心對方身體，後來發現彼此不怕捱打，只怕玩得不痛快。相顧輕笑，再玩再捱打……玩著捱著，二人同甘共苦十四年，彼此之間有一種難以言喻的默契——只有阿強看出他非但未曾討厭我，反倒羨慕我的不起眼。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHLLmXLBCFg
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDshTxfYusj
我好奇李浩榮何解會羨慕不起眼的人。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtP4XkI8W0N
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2warlvSnCl
「不被注意、不被期望，方能活得自由稱心。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSjpn1wF2EL
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡizBxJxDqdZ
我問他是否有煩惱，可以向我傾訴，也許我能想出好辦法。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiG8Fszc1it
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5z1y6MpbbE
李浩榮報以苦笑，沒有正面回答。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs5Md4Iy73n
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhFOQ7ELzHN
那夜，他喝得爛醉，我送他回家。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc5YFz0A1Zo
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmhF2Z2ylfa
伯母應門。是個凶神惡煞的中年婦，語調急促，不帶尾音。她接過李浩榮，留下一句道謝，利落關門。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLuwpQQQyKN
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE2oIRkZCk1
門關。心頭若有所失——感覺永遠不會再見到李浩榮。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl6trKMtiIh
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEKdjOSmJuZ
其實沒甚麼大不了。這是人生必經的離合過程。不會令我受到任何傷害，亦不會令我蒙受任何損失。著實沒甚麼大不了。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRFHBveUr8s
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0j3qJi0Pnk
但我掛念他。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbocdGB2di6
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDTk2HvG70l
不是偶然想起，不是遇上麻煩、需要向他求助，不是看見眼熟物件進而聯想。沒錯，是真正的掛念——我無法自欺。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnaCibpXmY5
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCbpri0iQKn
想起他，我不期然會笑；想起他，我感覺窩心；想起他，我會自覺孤單可憐。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVAiXCwfwuD
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL67VqLgr5H
我漸漸意識到這是甚麼一回事。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQDKD6WKJMQ
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiOWilgpV3Q
糟糕了！怎麼辦？怎麼辦！不知道。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZH1MSl26E2
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx67SlM7tm0
不要說。不要聽。不要見。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKP2oHeqwyq
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqSHP5zMhAV
希望時間會沖淡一切。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ7Xb1C833y
依稀記得畢業翌日在自家客廳梳化醒來的畫面。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDzvO3KodJf
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNa8HuAQ2Zs
首先映入眼簾的是極端的光與暗、黑與白——廳燈沒有亮起，窗外日光耀眼得刺痛，室內與室外亮度差異極大。眼睛無法於短時間內適應，煞是暈眩，有一股酸餿灼熱自胸腔冒升。想吐。沒法吐。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW8x8yBaUmH
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQMnM29xC2U
阿媽沒有理會我，背對我在廚房煲湯。她對著湯煲說：「昨晚是他送你回來。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGZkTGB2C6L
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡczaIAetH53
我敵不過暈眩與劇烈頭痛，重新軟癱梳化上。沒回話打算，反正阿媽定會繼續說下去。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPGu5wqVwCN
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「我不明白你為何喜歡他。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYHMS2n4Cdq
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQAXmLk4bAM
「我也不明白。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEqUGhEBNf7
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「那就不要繼續喜歡。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxqQJITvsAY
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyNVqfQ2EQl
「感覺，並非可以自由控制的。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDFZgrjb5yO
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8wgaP5Zrvg
「我亦無法自由控制我的兒子喜歡誰。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwSiVicIJL8
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「我也無法自由選擇誰是我的母親。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhEeFEDxIzW
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「真抱歉——未得你同意就把你生下來。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9QLk9vFREy
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ95ZXNNefje
「你該要對我感到抱歉。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMDpeY9GhpM
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8CPev2KTcZ
我晦氣，毫不掩飾對她的討厭。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj3hWx1KuHK
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阿媽沒再多話，繼續在廚房忙著。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWTMw1WEzTV
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真要命。人生就是那麼多無謂紛擾。我的人生屬於我，為何旁人總愛插手？207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnnyremu4Tq
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抵著頭痛，我硬撐起身子小便去。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEpLE2VhDoV
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在抽氣扇綿延不斷的摩打聲襯托下，小便聲清脆得噁心。噁感令我清醒不少，昨晚回憶開始隱約浮現。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8lv7BqqI3X
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我似乎講過一些不該出口的話。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ06HJ4ooFEW
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真的嗎？我真的把話說出口？207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZVJPG1pLTd
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為何這麼驚訝？阿強醉倒後，我特意喝下更多酒，不就是為了把話講出口嗎？207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY3YcZKb1JD
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbcTxTPwPc9
便意盡，醉意消，騰出來的腦空間被後悔和自責分佔了。我呆上半晌才提起褲子洗手去。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOZHl1N4IAz
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為何要走到這一步？207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm3c7naLZnO
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw3CWSHPljI
阿強早已看出我對許家偉的感情，擔心我走上「歪路」。我有點兒生氣——誰有資格定義這是否歪路。阿強自知沒能說服我，乾脆將觀察所得告訴我媽。性格暴躁的阿媽一反常態，冷靜淡然勸我切勿繼續投放感情。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqtaKUSCXzt
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdKYvD5CMKj
「世人表裡不一。口說開明，實質守舊。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiQUa8F1YYM
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeYU3MsEzig
「是嗎？你呢？你口說放棄，心底裡在支持我吧？」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkQz6Ex0oxr
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Q4IczGdOO
「別倔強。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBCRczSY6iS
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「我想要知道你的真正想法！別敷衍！別蒙混！」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNuCWXcoA1q
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk5cZtP97m2
「我想你放棄。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwTEpntUdl7
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「原因？」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYpFZW9czPU
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「現實終歸是現實的。你將要面對的困難並非單靠信念、希望和愛情就可以解決。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQx4D4tsP2p
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「我知道。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡshjFstRWhg
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「何解還要繼續下去？」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY25LPRPmGd
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsO1dMIRXip
「感情易放難收。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZhvgU1Uupd
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnx61a1pitv
阿媽沒法回嘴——「感情」一詞明確否定了邏輯和理智，她還有何話可說，只得被動地待我回心轉意。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0tYIH0vIu5
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMz15EXp730
傍晚，我約見阿強，在公園暗處與他打一架。我們手腫腳瘀，有如兒時被父母教訓一樣。看著彼此頹喪模樣，我既心痛亦生氣——我們的友誼不該淪落至此！我們該可以當一輩子兄弟手足！207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRqqSVOfdIY
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架後，我沒有留下片言隻字，待身體稍稍恢復後首先離開回家去，懶理阿強依然躺在草地上粗喘不已。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZQiDH7esiF
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwaSoAyTB5R
阿媽見我身上有傷，許是大概明白那是甚麼一回事，沒有多問，亦不予關心。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5mQiclCbKI
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjIOcOfc3Dt
我不在意，一心思考如何在畢業禮當晚向許家偉表白……207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfS8u8yWCZg
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrhypbgsq2J
畢業禮，是終結也是新開始。學生們穿戴整齊，戰戰兢兢上台領受證書。莘莘學子前途未卜，能夠掌握在手的只有當下。今朝有酒今朝醉，齊齊喝酒齊齊醉。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDQ4S3HC79I
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm2JGjhIXxs
阿強取來一支烈酒，邀我對飲：「追求真愛不是那麼容易。至少要比我更能喝。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWIZoGXDhoe
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJGJsjgDtci
我欣然接受。他很了解我，許是估計到我將會乘著酒意找許家偉表白去。我唯一擺脫阿強的方法就是先把他灌醉。我們都不是省油的燈，自小經常一起偷偷喝酒，十分清楚對方酒量和醉態——一旦倒下，沒有廿四小時可醒不過來。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf6hX4Cp8RR
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMuOZl9aq6j
小醉。半醉。大醉。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPkEmFLETXW
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡScR5JT4BKm
阿強半伏枱邊，傻笑問我：「想好如何表白了沒？」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡno7AIER3dZ
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeiSs8YYnbA
「直接講我愛他。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Gj2pUy2fa
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8S0LxL94eb
「如果他拒絕？」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMZX9d3Ld3l
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDM6EiW1flQ
「沒怎麼樣。就像我之前被女同學拒絕那樣。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ld4WmQxwE
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH2S5D9i94f
「如果他接受了？那怎麼辦？」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWQ3zULPcFi
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡva62BbSDEg
「我當然是高興！」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdqYfprHdxc
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「我在問，他會怎麼辦？你認為他的內心強大得能夠與你共同面對往後一切？」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3kgr4Acu8J
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1uPMMB2cVV
阿強問了一個我沒有想及的問題。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYRKpUUDAS9
事隔四十年，我和李浩榮在阿強的喪禮上再次聚頭。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ38P1xxLUUd
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc7UWLUTtVl
李浩榮說他在畢業禮後與阿強斷絕了聯絡。我為此道歉。他問我為何道歉。我重提他酒後那段說話。他反問我是否真的認為過錯在我。我答不肯定——我無心令他們鬧翻，但我確是他們鬧翻的原因。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsRHMaN3epx
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李浩榮苦笑，笑容意味深長。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjpcMYPNqjE
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡonVIq3vVNg
「阿強沒講錯。你真懦弱。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7zvIC5ibM0
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡssZwdaebb7
「活了那麼多年，經歷那麼多事情，我不得不承認自己的懦弱。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡweq4fbq4O4
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRhDZLYffBS
「你仍然單身？」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQpZjlbQENO
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「是的。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw6ScYKmXwn
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「要我當媒嗎？」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbPVAQ6PpuF
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「不了。難為情。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQo8MXacPMt
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李浩榮失笑，笑我不值得被愛。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaLryYb8K1i
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我陪笑，笑說我懂得珍愛自己就可以。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA5G45ciC4R
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqUVoeES5lr
多寒暄幾句，我和李浩榮相互道別，分道揚鑣不復見。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiuc3EgmiYf
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvbCLa64yI0
抬頭望天，天陰雨冷，冷入心脾。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy1JBkpfLLW
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回家吧。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN18qnDnCPq
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開門。門後空洞空虛空蕩蕩。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWQjwBvJS6d
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「戚戚慘慘悽悽，清清冷冷，覓覓尋尋。」興之所至，我一邊脫鞋，一邊倒背《聲聲慢》首三句。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZkgzvk9waX
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiszxcYjdQ1
「尋他千百度，驀然回首，那人卻在燈火闌珊處。」沒有脫襪，懶洋洋得撲到梳化上，順口接上《青玉案．元夕》末句。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ68ny483oZE
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枕臂望窗，映入眼簾的是極端的光與暗、黑與白——廳燈沒有亮起，窗外日光耀眼得刺痛，室內與室外亮度差異極大。驀地憶起日光照在他臉營造出來的明暗，憶起他的臉容氣質，憶起那抹笑容。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhlR37CHEFR
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大概是一見鍾情吧。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5KnZR35FbJ
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奈何我當年愚鈍懵懂，後知後覺。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMSlHi8SBLt
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如果我當年及早清楚知道自己的意向，結果會否不一樣？207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5gipWMX4HV
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我笑自己想多了：結果會是一樣的。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdstfcMxhWo
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr7NcqP6uZN
我是懦弱的人，我珍愛自己，所以我不會為他人冒險。我寧願花上一輩子去幻想錯過了的美好愛情，亦不會勇敢踏前一步去追求愛情。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0qVd4FyHfZ
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ18h6NUFPmk
李浩榮說得沒錯，我不值得被愛。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlKX2lHb7Oc
事隔四十年，昔日摯友躺在棺材裡，往日心上人站在我面前。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG3eelWm24o
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百感交集……207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDdSaaek5d5
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當年我為了許家偉與阿強鬧翻，事後亦沒敢聯絡許家偉。同時失去摯友和心上人，情感上的痛令我失眠了好幾年。那時候，還以為痛楚會一直維持下去，有如浪漫淒美感人的愛情電影情節。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKeea2UrW9c
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ11Cap8B623
不過電影終究與現實不同：角色的難忘遭遇濃縮在短短一個半小時裡，情感故此顯得激烈而深刻；現實中的情感必須經過時間洗禮和加入許多愛情以外因素，例如家庭、工作、健康、個人財政等等。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXpvFUcHaWt
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX5oClpqmwa
痛楚自然而然被淡化掉。我漸漸忘了阿強的忠肝義膽和許家偉的獨特魅力，直至今日再聚……207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlDZ1MLnwbL
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQMN1LCvP09
「認得我嗎？我是許家偉。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIud9oFOA3A
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP2uV8OYgNs
「認得。你是文班的。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOEvHNPQYO2
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許家偉淺笑，笑容如昔，淡然清雅溫婉。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE5Ow1Hryb3
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ86SxtRuU1C
閒聊之間，發現他仍然單身。究其原因，他只道難為情。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWb25kBsin4
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7EX4mPJtHH
「你不值得被愛。」我蔑笑。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuUKFP6O8t4
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四十年過去，許家偉仍是當初那個許家偉。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFm5Eo4iOWl
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwJJ1xn8wRf
阿強沒講錯——他的內心不會強大得能夠與我共同面對一切。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhDIpD4fUdx
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpwUzNC173E
「我懂得珍愛自己就可以。」許家偉笑著說。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU6xmM9VmFL
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfUnAnNVEWp
許家偉在認真？他真心認為這是珍愛自己的行徑？207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8HbdvW8tbR
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpOqt3Dx3eu
我哭笑不得。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqto06mpceK
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無意跟他繼續對話。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVbLgVigSmj
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHUX2MmIVAH
多寒暄幾句，我和許家偉相互道別，分道揚鑣不復見。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsJ135KVgTz
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9gyNaX81wC
抬頭望天，天陰雨冷，冷入心脾。
註：此篇會收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe3x2uQTYBT
