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無題 | もちろん
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EP 19 世界對你並不溫柔
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唯獨是，放手，不一定是解決
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可能只是愚痴和軟弱的苗床
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你還記得嗎？
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第一次傷心欲絕的時候
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不是很多人記得，因為傷心、負面的記憶，大腦總是擅長把它們收起來
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只是傷口、疤痕，是藏不住的
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他們說，時間，可治療一切
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但事實上時間治療不到任何心靈
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只是心靈會一直成長，新的心景會覆蓋舊的
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但痛的地方還是會痛
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「⋯我剛剛在做什麼來著⋯⋯」
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啊⋯對了
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收拾東西⋯
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睜眼間，自己已經到了離家生活的準歲數了呢
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⋯不過阿爸他⋯⋯
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⋯唉⋯不！不⋯他不會有事的
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反正這裏過去坐特急只要約兩小時左右，週末便回來吧
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⋯別想著無謂的事情了⋯趕快檢查一下行李吧⋯我可不想出發才發現漏東漏西
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「⋯⋯」
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然後⋯早點睡吧，明天要早起過去宿舍⋯
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「⋯」
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灰色的質感是記憶的映像，毛聳的身體上有股淡薄的花香，黑色的鈕扣不見被時光抹走牠的光芒，白色的線頭在縫合處露出，無論如何修補，也無法如初新一樣
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因為曾經弄損的傷口，就是受傷過的真相
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犯下了大錯的罪惡，是一尾凶殘而鬼崇的毒羯，一直在自己兩手心中藏著，時不時背刺我的脊骨，有時爬進胃，亦有時在眉間爬過
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我有誰可以怪責，自己罷了
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抱在臉上，一會，我把牠重新放回行李箱中
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沒有遺留任何東西了
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反正放在這處的，也不見得是可以尋回的
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「⋯早點睡吧」
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揮手關燈，點開窗屏，躺在床上
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北海道的夜空，自從失去了能相伴的人之後，是唯一肯伴隨自己入睡的對象
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純黑，城市中還亮得似白日的大燈，只有遠處的漁市，在地平線上成為一劃白影
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夜空，天上的星星，太遙遠，才沒有人手可及的程度
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反正人手若能捉緊便留意，應該也不是重要之物吧
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珍惜的第一步，失去
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我失去得太多了⋯即便如此，沙漏繼續倒數，想到這，虛無的恐懼侵入了胸膛
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坐起，摸黑，打開，拿起
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再次躺在床上
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但我在做什麼？
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明明抱住牠，會更加害怕的說
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然而，我寧願害怕，不是害怕麻木
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我無法原諒自己
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那怕前途是痛苦的，我也沒有怨言
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這只是因果的一種
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⋯
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對⋯
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這一切⋯我⋯活該
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⋯
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我很害怕
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我不想再害怕了
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如果是意味著對永生的噩夢覺悟
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我願意
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「⋯」
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風嘯劃破了靜止的空氣
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「⋯欸⋯⋯？」
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寒冷的冰刺不是眼皮合上前的景況，呼入一口難受，吐出一口生命，身體回神來已經無法自由活動
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太冷了
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「這是⋯？」
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「我聽到了」
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聲音，令大腦某處癢痛，是共鳴
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眼前，是一個鮮豔的雕像，於純白色中的點綴，是一個欣慰的景像，然而，當光線移到那留白中的顏色時，鮮色是一股油漆的氣味，嗆淚刺鼻的味道
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是危機感
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恐懼，是源於威脅性
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恐怖谷理論中，最接近自身的存在，亦是最可怕的存在
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尤如真人一樣，但不是人類、生物，超越人腦可理解的概念
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每寸皮膚也如披著一層螢光，頭髮長直得如鐵鏈，不像頭髮，第一眼是銅線鋼絲，第二眼是魚絲
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禮裙的設計精心得很，繡邊和絲質是貴重的祝福，以帶有數十名字的綠色和白色塑成
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瞳孔，只是一道看穿了心臓的耀芒
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水晶一樣，寶石的銳利，翡翠兩顆，水玉的一點是柔和，而瞳底的顏色卻是繁亂，混雜各樣顏色的中心
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就如⋯一個世界在裏頭
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「你的願望」
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爱麗絲⋯
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不⋯⋯
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花子⋯？
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