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下班回家，淋浴。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbntPR2bq88
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhYJOVbyHVg
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGUkNCFjNhQ
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfG0kIUfO04
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtpxv80hQlU
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2LhlcLzrTz
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJhZrArTnEp
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMqcB489iFF
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW79V8UQGi0
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL7cqi9CBZY
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSoKCn7grVz
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf3ISMof1Ml
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuImQtcqj0l
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqqsjHz5eoI
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPPourDaan0
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyn1xe9jc07
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSTaXey4sYX
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUtAUCTg9zj
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKAfpEouH6q
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxqpc5W7hRE
啪——啪——187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMuT6PjDGCR
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXUWgYnaJww
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjxtQXs0aQz
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzcIfr9oLxi
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQVrvk0OBmW
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ydPqA6fVK
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlqSVdxZ8Th
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt8wDltFbRM
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Jsr3Bh0ul
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrZmJYcmGvB
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjAmVTHmRvk
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJChaSmG8Rb
算了吧。沒所謂。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEUYmtWfpwv
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzbR9INLnJM
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCGbXTTfPiw
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Pw8ITPrLf
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcndy5LjQEe
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUdf97HTGqk
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ40DSjEdOBI
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjIPugw2dYT
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTE9MIzCqez
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ49jepL25hB
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQGSHV4QeGR
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqq36IqOrHt
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTHbi9EuXPy
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF4Gh6EUEPs
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWB1PaWLAi2
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB7jJywxYdj
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡavWbL1LkRX
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8TsiZ9OL9b
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn8CyIo15kd
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj2OeVfqpEf
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF2XO0M4QqQ
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjTvAqMu9oa
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCwkdCaN9Uc
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw6oWzisrMq
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGiYnSA4yhR
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Wy6xEIeKG
我頭也不回開門離家。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY91MwLM0Km
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl2T5ETYvAO
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfkhYfreRXi
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDK47yI19FB
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHMKMPulS1p
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWFv6U1xfgx
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXllTI9PMD9
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPdAxQmRnuy
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIl5ZpWBwOF
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaovK7Dae22
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ZEBkQI0wj
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb8qVW19QTV
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDiRQAc4RX1
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxcmZ5OLzEa
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡetUhYsPxLM
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi5fWY5iNNm
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmHoq4iHESJ
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCKytWKCyjN
「你不開心？」187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡISAfLbBny6
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMvRyiBqvGl
「是的。但與你無關。」187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwfFFKMnIkh
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBhbqNzMzmi
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnXZPvXOgbT
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEX0Er0t3w6
「還有菸嗎？」187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV0U8flLL9V
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCrehYUYbCz
「有。」187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeoTtKIRsju
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiEgeLMjuGD
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaYmF3qvpgc
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfjMQgi0OSv
「俊仔還好嗎？」187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ20pxhzdNvs
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRZXRNGxqiY
「與你無關。」187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsdJMCsJBEs
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvUwh93YtDd
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzExVOFPV2S
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1k5pTSJ062
我幽幽一笑。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8t1Hy0DeJ0
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ72Dt5baHv8
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1KvVzq2P0h
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMVAIbQtslm
「多少？我付！」187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡigiC75PZRU
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL1u3T5VlPZ
「五萬七千五百元。」187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkdugWztnIG
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCF1qUqIdpC
「好！沒問題！小意思！」187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmEd2V4HJzG
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQEjc1l5fW4
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4lkLsfNeP3
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMFzyOVaZuL
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4oYKQTljLa
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDZFEkEqCfk
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxU1JEYcwXl
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJszYROEWpA
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgTW40iD5Yf
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYpocrYzCLK
「阿顧，對不起。」187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyHlQ8dCozR
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwgMN8fZkOO
「道歉有屁用！」187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrHn7rX9zzv
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRH8bguda5Y
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxyOs4zjQDn
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk0e17FRvpx
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQnl6tdcKPK
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5guiiOerTc
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9vqQZOExXk
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHHkVDTNH1U
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7sp7IJFNUg
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp9bza0192f
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJgmbkVg4gu
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAo1c2YGgc4
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEftCsTugYD
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2UpZ0ny3Im
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo6SFKNmJVF
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7uLyFEn5dl
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhqv8kCGDwR
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRbLymQ7IdO
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxinHZ03Us0
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlZTLepE41p
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5PchdiDz58
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGFeLUtRkHf
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjDeRgwzPgr
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd0D5K5iaGS
我活該……我活該……我活該……187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC2capSR9jO
187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBTKR35TeZ2
我如此催眠自己。187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhVD9UbrQ7Q
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns3.128.199.58da2
