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下班回家，淋浴。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp7ZcDBZ1aW
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ2Te7gQPdJ
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ60JKixKbvs
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCu5PIl3CDK
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRakrk5rgbQ
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvzBcPlCQHx
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc1mEv5Mipq
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqeQZl8Wxeh
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUKjyyLsf05
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqfUW53aFDZ
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ74xGrTvNZv
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnU3kbGZLcR
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNt2QcoJiAo
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA1AbLmujsi
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy9Yx5NslPn
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ838PZZqmWU
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVyLgcXAm9x
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvOAoqefLeF
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgytc1obGL1
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUFRhERSbvJ
啪——啪——381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiHJvMpVGiR
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLVFjgP4qan
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLe0fL2BMsV
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjLAyTGM4q4
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8RA0DZpqV7
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVTLMKrOaen
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ874hbsJIob
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxZgfWA16qd
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmplxxKW0pJ
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSNTTFs5SJc
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXPHP4uUgtC
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQmtfnsL7Bw
算了吧。沒所謂。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv9L2C89l3L
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD3vBiuzwrq
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVKNKAbO9xg
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJcebC2yoRn
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡknitdKvn9Q
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf7LT7YC8Tp
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkQwmkxNP4x
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBKhaDlBZq1
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNoF5Bw4y1E
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBQEAPXtUKE
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGxktwT0Px1
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAIL0ZdyRrq
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCf16iX8C0j
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsajaT1lgzp
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPWq4dZpdA8
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKKTpVeWy2L
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡolqiD0OeYB
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyKdDdzikdW
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5lsFKDtuF2
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFQibUsevFx
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK6sKldg1P0
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxZWF54lRCa
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs8pHfMIrYl
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHxyOExc1aR
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGo9K3ZI9qs
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWMgtWiA3zN
我頭也不回開門離家。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs8VTW1BHfP
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRiyAsq2ysF
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqWDCJFodZa
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXNUgoT0x6a
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHjxNQUDoHS
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkQUcf6alkB
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡohfqeKAPvN
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwMNDpfOydF
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMfCIjJLtp4
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBx0CeWtTTD
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUT19ypOL5d
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJw3H8r6xy9
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHxeAH3ZJ7S
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsb88B4W2jP
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkNKRiWHzB5
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBQnrHYg2VY
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZBw3pmCXFX
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIq0UHd9E4M
「你不開心？」381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaAjf7LFgtJ
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs8M0NyDUOW
「是的。但與你無關。」381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZtwhzkylPl
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoV4McCeJnz
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgBsADhiBfx
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡws6GFleHCc
「還有菸嗎？」381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbKSdwLMNZf
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVnHLW6cCxo
「有。」381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpSRFIFY1LV
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTwFhUxGxE7
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyG80IUUbOA
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqOzUrFMdGp
「俊仔還好嗎？」381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXtq3a8iIM4
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHVJZ6azOUJ
「與你無關。」381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOdVlndLRZy
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Yv7r7gb8O
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzv19fqN0ev
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLBBfSUCa7z
我幽幽一笑。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡke4eelUfDJ
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKRKPhwHPvQ
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdqczRU5rOt
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqNr9oIVom7
「多少？我付！」381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgpQ3Hy05O2
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoGxRKJIxQc
「五萬七千五百元。」381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD4uwCIjp6e
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqyCSqUnUoM
「好！沒問題！小意思！」381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡke9cf84HPN
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeRvlJaYWEu
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOYIlvjfhvo
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvm76Brl7xC
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7zsqhD7OrL
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN4mr3ayqHx
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡosiodQeSKo
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8eT74AbTnh
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZSCM3IhzQT
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmpB4vh4U8F
「阿顧，對不起。」381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNCxRlHz9dx
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkoXr07LX2f
「道歉有屁用！」381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbJgZpqWIMA
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJexSWiT8Ew
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxXjNzTk44R
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcNgffUxe62
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzTUfQ4z5aL
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7AYsMQn76w
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY5curP3URU
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkgIZoBxMDw
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo0JME9LbjO
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEHRvmVwfDM
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrD5NQk82Qr
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgrxdAOD3rl
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7eJ3cJYGhp
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVUog335PA6
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK6nChSmibB
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡENQ7598L3I
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡegvH7lW8ii
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTt7fLrboHd
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqSTYKC2Sze
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRu6gmMPHE3
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyZUXkwPbPy
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMJgXAHFyNc
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiBQ7SPEPcY
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7EFVoljP4l
我活該……我活該……我活該……381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjoxz8Pkdsr
381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRW6dNrf3TW
我如此催眠自己。381Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡggMHdCxes4
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns3.19.244.116da2
