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下班回家，淋浴。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSfmWRd15OY
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbnXDrXvOo3
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbWO1kxWzW2
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO91u2zTVvE
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ3MsBXtbxY
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmt76GRSJet
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwXrEnxmIW3
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFqkkIuMDhL
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFK34CIMxUu
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7ZgOlmluJu
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkBxPbte5nd
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrY3iCqlqOH
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3mZBp9k3is
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPP02lREtBp
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡynEGP7Xmiy
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr8qppDNTMZ
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMSWN6CSYDB
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTgiCZCu9WX
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkGUPDvTbKg
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq4IEeVyjiM
啪——啪——406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3CQcHtBglv
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfgHQI481ue
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZpUoEhEkJ2
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtWtJtAgX0b
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVQMeylHXY4
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9sVkvyFSY8
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ93YkJNJhfe
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjBDqCn19oG
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbRg8xIFfdA
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbszTOUZL0X
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqYqhqTLXjh
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlnTDZ6sUZd
算了吧。沒所謂。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuKTOytMf5g
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsTgi7s6pr8
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOVhyXhdsHY
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBOR6lXIUDC
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxY9bYZ5ist
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7IVFLCgHqj
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLhyEOv4z9D
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHRDV4Xv76b
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNbI7obfzqu
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8aDec0H1ew
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCggi7jOuNa
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjPEZzUXkW2
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4OlEhumUN3
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzdo0OgUVzi
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjM8XqhPj2I
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaCRPKifaY8
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFwY7f55iyq
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2EwF1ca681
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrS4DSQkb7X
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc51cez1vjp
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQTJvf4qp1m
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnGVnBYKbjI
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ93DaeVy1tB
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaDrDNooLjs
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW68b8dgWtD
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy8ct02LSQW
我頭也不回開門離家。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA2m9skzYzm
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9fGPNdIAjq
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA8sTQCH4EK
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSc80wTf1lv
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSjnYrANSBk
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡREZhKLc30Q
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSUTDYp4EGR
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhNfleeegH5
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuTMkNrPVZA
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrwiWRkSNSf
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaa5DlDQ5ax
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTOHwskjOSa
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3tbqLYz59A
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0B5iZTQLxB
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6HbATxcAU0
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKjiWtvLykU
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhnE2515gME
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrfYvYo33Fm
「你不開心？」406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ03cO048Fmo
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtjnxf6Ouon
「是的。但與你無關。」406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3qSScO4GJU
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlUOTiL3P9L
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ytScG9L6w
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡccSCpJY7CL
「還有菸嗎？」406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZSrdccCDQE
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBSlRaqz8qX
「有。」406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjrVx5aSIbL
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKvTSTXzpPx
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOgAg2OVE5N
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL5apgFgQWQ
「俊仔還好嗎？」406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp6b5SDsM3C
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2yR7Y6kYDK
「與你無關。」406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLynH6xMCTn
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOo6IrjE7k9
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ38BiNdzsnL
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcMQ9GSrtAW
我幽幽一笑。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh6ppiaAmkl
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5PCdihylwp
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ93Vwrcqwrh
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfnVG5uEFJK
「多少？我付！」406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbFQtLg5c2W
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoxixU5gJXa
「五萬七千五百元。」406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU9nmEtEMTG
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyiUUhbeaJ6
「好！沒問題！小意思！」406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjwrCd1gIBb
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHhI6wNADa7
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDKJDqq4hhd
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡijARVnZ6fl
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZF6zXWkC5l
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwkIeqPpcmk
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJDhNSllpGW
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcEjNOKwkGS
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQSEk90flds
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg5xGpajoS1
「阿顧，對不起。」406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOSC6BL3QtB
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD3bnM3qOCF
「道歉有屁用！」406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7d80WAlExx
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWWmtDTpQb4
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBypuldM2hz
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVGpqDK8wsb
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc8YUNfvSZv
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDl2YxP7isW
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2uDYx5njrj
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEk0cGUXM3w
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAfTlBWr7yi
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeCIPwFGOl4
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpFJFt9R9Zr
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAdLVXhSgtB
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7IMI0VrBKQ
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtfQ9HOD6c1
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdoQhYCP6VW
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVFjAMcMRtm
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm1ZRLiOJ1B
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ56OtxSToJX
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5mMmknWDzk
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡppiDDDbByl
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdIj3azeclK
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7ll5P5grdB
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0snd6HuwaA
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA4p9MAwV9c
我活該……我活該……我活該……406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtpgAWBWukW
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBH2CjLmEyd
我如此催眠自己。406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXcTtK9uYS3
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
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