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下班回家，淋浴。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXQEmp1YvOW
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcDEj9j14v6
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS3ZCdf7fUL
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR5xIK0h3Pf
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP32GDcqjuy
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU1PriHMv9N
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyI83cPp7pk
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnEmfozXD1L
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6WnTyrwqlc
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ94K6dnkIL3
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm0stC4gMZZ
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE6MzX79sCB
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKII75ARlMt
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4adLIC0vYW
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWFCm2wrzcr
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDURNBFekdp
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGtpE677Oy9
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsLWHdzAFFo
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡykVtNR2LN8
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8lHRLbFB2B
啪——啪——377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3F6sgYXjaC
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4NhLlllbrE
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFxI3E8hU89
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNeYHK1dPiV
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNEA7B98yvL
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5VwMJlWql8
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzTJo39AJnn
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXfjOjNPRh6
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyTFUG27fub
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF0pwXclPOJ
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBngpJpgFUC
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡadNIEkYOBJ
算了吧。沒所謂。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtr61V5BgNR
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTZuTAOckpD
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR689Syy5G4
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7AP5dsrYFc
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXD8pf29fwu
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoPPpEOGLza
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡADcj70qw2j
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX0MERijqu2
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEXVGBqlmZ0
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7vOpbzNaM0
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9w53rXnIBy
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaxdxeOGYrX
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfh8U0bhfL5
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrBLZExkDIv
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcbo3y2A21b
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcSbcdnCtZd
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfBHmBnOKxu
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJdcGck9xm2
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLhZyK1OKSG
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY7G72Z7arZ
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtktGDcbKN5
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8BU4DqX65i
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzXg5dfcvsa
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJb8PI0zmDQ
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWH4ihVPfQE
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ0ViQ6NDD3
我頭也不回開門離家。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDdFkn4EtBP
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU8bgJgDpkN
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZQYMIIaqPj
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh16Hx2ctvk
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtX7KUgXjs2
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBSM6ImcIie
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWUhNvnSict
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmt9AUo0yu7
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjbPZHoorV4
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuGpU9p3DQx
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8uoSDlhePT
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEX1kvQNSCQ
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFXJEsl0iLE
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkhfC8shIst
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb8j1djlXhA
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZTQd29xAfo
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq0I53wzdnL
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTw9Z9JTF1b
「你不開心？」377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3mPf5TBsx7
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9fIl8HMpi1
「是的。但與你無關。」377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmRQI68eXcY
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo4WANkC5xE
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRnJ2y0YeyL
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwodGsxymQ5
「還有菸嗎？」377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRsrZD78omQ
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfCz9boK6az
「有。」377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa6Be86B2A3
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPSbiYXZrRS
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0sbZW2aOwd
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJqjI4t9ATM
「俊仔還好嗎？」377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA1IbNWnhgv
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4inxQgXS3y
「與你無關。」377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbigzEoxvY8
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡupqHF7l1K4
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhvKhAVtz32
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUfDtSEFc9y
我幽幽一笑。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfqOBDmEsVx
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9H5HMs2ow9
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9lF62lCQH4
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpcyVc1vzZe
「多少？我付！」377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnz15jOhlMv
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDkRDFMuGiJ
「五萬七千五百元。」377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxkFs1uYBf8
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGlzNURDOkp
「好！沒問題！小意思！」377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzwiN1YdKgo
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG9kMCTQGW9
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXuJxIUvSlC
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeLpUxewd14
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDjfY1TADop
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbRh4JFld8a
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoo15e0CM73
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjYlJdMTi9m
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSjLggJFuh9
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUBY3XafEsA
「阿顧，對不起。」377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsuhjp3VWUZ
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡInRESyqPW8
「道歉有屁用！」377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTCNoVYIIUa
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmlEhRfqkNA
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFMNynljbnK
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHo3b9YaXld
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1U6cMnK4VE
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrI57UmAKYs
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2uCtTmRxdB
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKprWQ2vmh2
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNaHRsqZikB
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVf4bVoAA3x
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT9QNZvjWcF
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKEsb3V3fmj
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBVYB0FYLdJ
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSLgpPxqTLI
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp7VjvYhIBX
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG7kSIWfHXG
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR94cE6foLG
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtTidUZWsCS
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF5AnmNkm1a
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf2VnfVqIq0
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgzpTMVqbSw
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbjW6vXNOaE
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvJlP0tejNx
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5PXp6dxp3f
我活該……我活該……我活該……377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0dPYmcNAQl
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIcfqU1RM7S
我如此催眠自己。377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyoEZz3YV0h
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns3.145.200.8da2
