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下班回家，淋浴。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDLscWGRXwt
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS64RMs8ko2
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3FdUvAaw0l
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBjbiZR6pHo
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAtXOFbkm5I
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdz2EPt0R79
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSIj46yUU63
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLFlmxDCgLi
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8xgdafZ2pl
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvjoPXpuzEa
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUTv2eM0Xhq
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4OP9eJ7LHM
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQLystMRske
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK7ClKfLFfT
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9IIqUJHPRA
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc2wOmI6fX0
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiTaXiISrhD
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQnXHvmlgot
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd6rnZojoqy
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiocrHzfHIQ
啪——啪——387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuu6zDCZypu
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTmlkBrnXjN
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡveMg8IKRxY
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsSSVCvxZrT
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Ei0lMy6yX
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvJSpU0MYNp
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz7CqgLunmq
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeFvh0Hqiqp
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Zay6oeORT
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIG2EgcuLs3
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiuRt31iShp
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLYyd284dup
算了吧。沒所謂。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGK8Q10qPiU
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzXcPCHEPAU
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9xJCRLk6Pq
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCEfMj7QHDf
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCsROR2aIuL
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM6tufUOSZ4
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzmtfgxhrHl
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4kg4ZvBio8
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ10vphhE0Nq
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKA4PKlNB4i
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0oZCemRCK5
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡndg4yeAW9c
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxuX1ptQOnR
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjXFNMdKZbw
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4gVL0uCYEM
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC3v4hBT4wj
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUhPFQnQDSB
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiKaeetLKBV
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvkne9TFYHF
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8rNUgTkjUS
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvcuvSTxHeB
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWFYB7WqAWI
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWkGYlCFN2r
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGLrGY7DKQy
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkMG1hS1dus
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv13e9mcU7I
我頭也不回開門離家。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmKfBGhVEns
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ648QhqYxCY
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTvTggimwsQ
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOYtj0X2LVH
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9k9VGPqXWF
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu4exwIRZOg
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcj9arbYuTq
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE28s9IV8c2
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZbq5TAPTHM
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyz6Y0fTBKx
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnVfNkC5u0M
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLKwH3YuPIn
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGLcW5L8dIO
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuLOF5kIklm
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxS9e5rcpDa
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5gzQf0Ysmg
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoR9FyLh6ap
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ86S6c2p90I
「你不開心？」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOA5nBaBF7e
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU73tbXAJ2M
「是的。但與你無關。」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFOUaZnoFtD
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEsICtR42JR
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlWiv2LofIo
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaHUaGiTahB
「還有菸嗎？」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWFCHAohVDc
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkl8rzPffGO
「有。」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzMbJGAWp3r
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvS9JlFaots
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1i4o7SL5q1
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡutSSU3geRG
「俊仔還好嗎？」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4mzJZdFVGa
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY0zxI8aail
「與你無關。」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVUIWgTbCSV
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsB9UOc4apx
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFnP1vxwJd0
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS4iR3DRQYg
我幽幽一笑。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtOkY85RfaZ
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz8sdzK0N5G
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCYDuqJncEB
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0B1cSAlexU
「多少？我付！」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMgulq92Z1h
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrAEubjcqXH
「五萬七千五百元。」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqLg5paSUav
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡptpqO1JEVW
「好！沒問題！小意思！」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO7OhaT0iz8
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ7pvDdYXQm
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHj9CMYJ59i
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEYwc6jofaG
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡafictcZWn9
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAqSXG2JJ5r
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYleZ4IzMij
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZrm2itqHE6
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAjyWlSUtAQ
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqQhHoJXIhX
「阿顧，對不起。」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc3R4MUKXT8
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5qeb52Kz4w
「道歉有屁用！」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs1jcQksRMD
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP6MJmMuvQq
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIhoL7Nb46w
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZpOqay2K6l
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKA7q1iNs2v
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmwggZhyDB8
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzuxlObjZH3
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDttsv5BVt2
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBSbxTW403B
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYQYikKESR5
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn6Fw8aME6X
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkwMp4zsm6r
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt9c7KpleU2
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYF8nBC55zA
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡogwX6RTyHX
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfVwRunZBDX
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡALtTzvxk38
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiQiOFL2iFh
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8pN79Mfjx1
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh5P57lKJon
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf9iLaNhASD
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPSgC6Sa2vm
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK2z9hG3O3F
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA7Ls0cQwfz
我活該……我活該……我活該……387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmgrB6rui3Y
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKmLi1Ssv3N
我如此催眠自己。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUEhRqxYTZG
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns3.133.106.74da2
