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下班回家，淋浴。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡES15kzvDiN
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5BKBsdOtio
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHOKuhZlK59
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9mRM8WAfEL
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQQJ22N1Cq6
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTY4Hs8dr7R
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg8tLdMxVYc
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBRrRnoe5nA
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡItVEqud7tU
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwiqo2WEMlv
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAjxKMqRvz1
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvwxj8be1Cn
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3QOIR7KPHu
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4HBCO1yESt
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqOCW88ROnD
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdMlhlaDeSs
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3uQM7UrbBO
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBqEI96SV8l
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEeoPdgvsoT
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1dsBLj8HQx
啪——啪——420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTqLe7ZgQNx
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpat2PLyT79
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPkufK7XpfL
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfjk1iHZTya
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb8otGupJad
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDzN0F64R2O
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡujpKIcGUX5
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAubKsLvRck
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6fqj0RyyYP
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6GDCX8BaLK
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj9cz870gAH
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQTqtlrB93P
算了吧。沒所謂。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbc8TBPyTNv
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQgIPQmZlBx
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfBTGrMPp76
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIwh5jvVEqK
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmaNxwNLywF
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡofOGhZvpqu
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgCH7z3G4bc
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVzbK4zvfBf
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0unboguXhF
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhMICuOtJ80
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNjZ8Hpjpc3
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKySrjZgS9J
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgR4tnqFLbb
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYW2lNEIc4i
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqsr6lCVRr0
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgthHW3j6hl
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu3cz4wmnV6
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBa9MSoENci
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnut5qfvLeh
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMWYIxZyaU2
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJWYwyC8YJ3
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuN2WAAxfth
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX4t4t6bFcy
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3pmVmGSFg9
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtlgV7fj2Ae
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh63w8oVcYk
我頭也不回開門離家。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt85hIodqLx
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoHEF8xsHRu
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvQPcY90RnQ
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡas8RaKwlLQ
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUMEM2wWqnK
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSzieGnvSUL
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHFNBa4R0Ud
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnOCgwtT130
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ7aDRRpM5d
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw6WJbRBtmM
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjtHHlLkLN2
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSEaSnoCEIQ
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQLtRjK6Q8M
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5m5KVnuwa8
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKAU24lXZue
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmsBqaCsxbX
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa9ohvhk3Pt
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7j2RfnTCed
「你不開心？」420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUaECvjTVZM
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFqkTGNa4Z2
「是的。但與你無關。」420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxKm1ylhL3w
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPVPWeZq7cy
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO0tuKcq0dJ
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEhQDVI1afy
「還有菸嗎？」420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ZO67B1GU9
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyisB4HTBFa
「有。」420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3YxDkQdIMe
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP1LexxcLDM
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5DnrFG7oiG
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6K3zudAAxG
「俊仔還好嗎？」420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8NWeOu6jYJ
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIh2t8B2RUz
「與你無關。」420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUkPaKoVwca
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPYeLQ2CuE7
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtGSiwMMsbJ
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD7WgxihCDx
我幽幽一笑。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbOKkDzSB2Q
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV9ZHjFUWrn
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡldlbjIcJke
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡURYTPg7gmi
「多少？我付！」420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9fnw29x2ce
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEVIvVopaAf
「五萬七千五百元。」420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQfIXIga6ii
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMqlFtOBtTc
「好！沒問題！小意思！」420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyTLUjXQhqI
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwDz9BSjPwE
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGFJ67JTIJu
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnewHyOMHPO
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHeUqu5mZ5k
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0qx62JZNsI
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2hbNe58l8R
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUdG9UNroCn
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5tTROQXN2t
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV18GrT2KBT
「阿顧，對不起。」420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnoVKOYJOe2
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFz0LHR75vY
「道歉有屁用！」420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDO43PLKvcG
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhZYprKIsIr
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKCwMkjo0XQ
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ32b786IizB
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcs23CYrpw7
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmso3XygkvK
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJU6r4lAWpq
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQi2dMhCiMv
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4dZbdTfCtG
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoPAn67RUmn
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBV2AAyrQJB
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7NfqEwqDOY
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC9eoCTwfX5
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwJW1uA62Ze
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF9QFvfpDcB
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3GJpmh5AO9
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9hKdg8i8vw
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1tVhzKzkqm
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQSWuhkeXM8
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzzOjthuNqz
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0QmODs5T9e
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtSi35uqpPW
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxcfOBLlm7c
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuTXF5QEwRj
我活該……我活該……我活該……420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdKP6YMxsGE
420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJSgApQhmuX
我如此催眠自己。420Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtz05qoVoTK
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
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