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下班回家，淋浴。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRMb71CWb0x
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIRUnzzvrO9
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ58mHNsPL8z
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvFitpsCvqO
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhO9tODeAJH
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx4FBHWbQki
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHmEWF8mlps
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhT8yGUBQFi
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT7Osx18ngZ
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi218ytDGsK
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCqUee7U1go
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuhUewdAO5U
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡecsowXNhDB
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdCOYZq990m
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJvvgOMdjbL
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrtu4bSNaQI
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmsyCUKVLwK
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrXIpmBqdGt
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFACHwDAjKx
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCP9DU2oJ3i
啪——啪——388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDGXGcYXS4F
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqJoo4TpnzV
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWNuyquyvzw
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHgeLefyscm
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfko33Tn7ch
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiLAv1dWTm2
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzj3Nwu1ync
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJk3Y2vE7Zy
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpmiBdeH4IV
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIO3kW4U4jR
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrP0njPqCR2
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6OIHUG2rww
算了吧。沒所謂。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnkz6TIr2q3
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFxe7y6hW4B
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1JCOgcSl6W
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdm5fYN3PcJ
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy0DpzIAIPU
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzdhgdTB6Zs
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡowSHhHvPuC
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡamsPFPiSLj
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLJH8uAfrEK
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfvDuf8Syxa
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfURd34X6dd
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwnJJjiPNPH
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnHbMhMNqkq
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHEiVwW0Xq1
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡurLqbdL9tS
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡREeppCoL4v
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnpkHdT8IVf
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwVZ0OfuOnV
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbOGz7n07Ht
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Q3xBexrKp
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGerwAuvCUN
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLA1YrDAKXr
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlmOibOOWBF
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrX6gvnBEv7
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8xR5JsikHa
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhJnU6xev8k
我頭也不回開門離家。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWPBGLr9xW5
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ765EeZOi0V
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡivwLiHWdl0
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡue0YUPKaGl
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZiGlCh5BIN
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9yJdDLlzZC
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡALdUJk6bjU
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxWQkSHyQpa
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNg45UcfgG2
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZbDJd3Fpcs
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe4IWtVxvlP
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtX9JrTiJgl
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡohWL0sQN6z
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4AykNx91L2
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVp4Pm6twU1
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtGmixLuoVS
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqptahxkzTw
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1XCeTDSn3E
「你不開心？」388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4aaTq42Nbl
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq8R18JhkuD
「是的。但與你無關。」388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJXOYWycvGu
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiwMErRikkt
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfe2YhR1A2S
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIRsl8YYGtE
「還有菸嗎？」388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ979DzcAESZ
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6X3VClD2rS
「有。」388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjxehdsWQGo
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdjYeKk43Jc
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpgkSgEPIO5
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb6VO6AghLa
「俊仔還好嗎？」388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0LCgMXwrrb
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6clnEJN7aH
「與你無關。」388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH9X5lCw1FJ
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHNK3BsQG9e
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX6KcjQIdyX
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyVh682U18G
我幽幽一笑。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡumyotBp3R1
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF3Gf6GVD41
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0hB8cZYOtr
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhxFZDCRMFe
「多少？我付！」388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdIEm9s5v2L
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡynnTBEla50
「五萬七千五百元。」388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlzNrwdCpbU
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu6E8gcqYkW
「好！沒問題！小意思！」388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxCH4Enbs53
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs3dFacLBPB
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2pAfEItUxO
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPfSvBkGPDC
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnBFYkuJzLe
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPeGADA5Cp1
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPYb4UPPBIT
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOTbNX8sBcV
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwhJy09esqV
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMyMvl9Ekzl
「阿顧，對不起。」388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡufZmtHMkIX
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtO9wawUBOY
「道歉有屁用！」388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJdtQnvTmGv
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFhFF9RImRp
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfSMiLPgemS
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4YAUAC7gOa
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAcol44NLyT
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvuv5zL39IZ
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7kaMh3pIG1
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsQS5tHr3c3
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTsxJDtqmVt
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgJOrAJ2bRc
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT4sPnVLf2l
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwPMYv0JaWC
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9I9rYjJnbN
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD93bD0vhzd
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP41peo3rZ7
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzgX74yXe7d
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3EGC4JaAef
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLre7bruN15
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCvvCDrGGHG
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡky9KlUdd64
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1lJ4SSx8h6
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf3TXIUd9NX
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgjbCAyHnn6
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ43RaF4s6kq
我活該……我活該……我活該……388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ixdpvCBrr
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMtITJeYzh5
我如此催眠自己。388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZHyMgPZien
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns3.15.194.249da2
