
https://www.pixiv.net/artworks/82468755419Please respect copyright.PENANACaaPPufvlG
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EP 19 反正您什麼也不會明白419Please respect copyright.PENANAs212fXtCDg
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EP 19 反正您什麼也不會明白419Please respect copyright.PENANAs212fXtCDg
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我希望有天,您會明白吧419Please respect copyright.PENANAMJN8DYDJ9o
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這個時候,反而是最嘈吵的時候,將耳朵蓋住倒仍然無助聲音的傳到,腦中感受著陣陣的鼓動,看著不知道從什麼地方吹來的風,捲起地上的塵埃,形成一個小小的風龍捲,打轉的灰粒不只一兩顆,的確眾數,在那一直轉啊轉啊
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奇怪,明明很乾淨的是,沒有名字的地方,位於神隱島上,本島的對岸,也許像貓之島一樣,站在碼頭,隱隱約約地可以見到本島,亦即隔著海洋的另一面,是那,這裏,是這
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分別是,去這貓之島是「家」帶自己去,來這神隱島是失去「家」的自己淪落入來,大約是被幸運女神的第三隻眼眷顧吧,始終這些年的生活,不幸中之大幸,平平淡淡、簡簡單單,神明們大概是悶了,把視點移走了,活在上帝盲點的自己,理所當然地叫天不應,叫地不得,卻,習慣了就是習慣了
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『神明是一個謊話,我們所作出來的』419Please respect copyright.PENANAlkGrGgAqRc
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大概是一種抱怨吧,在多年來,承受種種的我,把積累的壓力於瞬間爆發出來,因為奇跡發生而狂喜亂舞,算「飢餓困境」的例子呢
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絕望下的人會降低要求,什麼的,人性本質,什麼的
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不過感性發言的我,當時只是說出心底話罷了
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『只是因為我們殺了祂』419Please respect copyright.PENANAw1Li9d58IY
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宗教,其實私輩完全不相信,計入生母的影響,總覺得很虛偽,也覺得如其去相信造物主、全能者這麼虛無的存在,不如相信一些理想,美好的夢
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反正信仰,就是其中的精粹,石頭中的碧玉,泥沙中的蓮蓬
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反正,我不想成為我討厭的人,去自欺欺人,私輩認為比起生存,活著才是真正的生命,我才不願讓這生命的色彩染黑,不論其他人怎樣想
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反正,我不希望只是活著,反正反正⋯
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我不想對自己的堅持説出「不知道」,不允許而不可能,亦沒有那個勇氣去任己去,放棄自己的不負責感,老實說,我承受不到,比起創傷、困難,失去動力、失去堅持的原因,恐怕我⋯⋯
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不⋯反正⋯⋯
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只是⋯為了一樣事情
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為了什麼?當然地自詳
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剛才的一番肺腑之言似,有提到的各種,各種不同的願景、目標,不只是我,奈穂子,更是此刻仍在流淚,同時反抗自己控制的這孩子,依奈子,她其實是追求相同的未來,純粹是她未清楚
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悟性不足、太貪心,她是前者,而大和 英花,背上的孩子,是後者,對,我知道,自行下定結論是自大狂妄的表現,「大人」的模樣,命令未開苞的百合花開出七瓣花,難以不可笑,也是愚痴之為,私輩因而不是以這個角度出發
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純粹,好感是有的,不是我,是她,依奈子對她
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不排除吊橋效應,在危險的情況下,會對眼前的人產生好感,私輩不能分辨,一天未離開這地方,私輩不能抽身於此去判定,究竟這份好感何從而來
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因為良世的拉攏?不出奇,可愛的本質就是要人保護,而這份引力正剛好地使兩人接近⋯加上,大和是她的親屬,而良世總是被傷害那個,因為太弱、保護不了自己,前者太軟弱,後者依奈子的堅持、執念,實在強大
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沒錯,我有説過自己的力量是比她強,在運用崎品宿主能力、搶奪身體意識的力量,精神力暫時是比她強,副人格在當下有主人格的特性,主人格卻淪為副人格,當下、現在
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只是因為,私輩是最真實的419Please respect copyright.PENANANiKoLqJ5KX
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副人格的出現,是專為某些場合、情況,形成的虛像,另一個的自己,我,奈穂子,是面對負面情緒的副人格
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為什麼我叫なおこ?(奈穂子)因為?那是本名,依奈子她,將過去的自己都推給我,成為了我、私輩,壞人的角色,只不過是因為構成我的,是她最不想面對的所有事情、情緒、創傷
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以苦為食糧不是正確的說法,殺不死人的傷,只令人、我更強,我不死,精神上不死,依奈子不允許,因為我正正是保護她的那道牆,我不能倒下,也不會
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所以,我的精神力很強
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不過也有賴於她自身
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副人格的存在,並非一個身體多個靈魂,在我的觀察中,是一個靈魂的斬件分配
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本來,她就很強大,精神力量正正就是決心的類比狀態,就像城牆的單位是磚石,詩歌寫成由字詞 ,因為百分百地繼承了本性的不屈而強大,而那份本性,何止是生存下去而已,擁有這團熾熱的真相對當事人而言,感覺如何我是不知道,但坐在北面的我,看著昇陽烈炎,我感到⋯與別不同,不單止心內,連視野內的陽光也和別人與別不同,別具一格
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所有東西從這邊來看,也很特別,即使是至出生以來的視界,但連自身也難以不得不讚嘆的程度,到底、究竟是為什麼?
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我說為什麼?
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為什麼總是比誰也更加辛苦,為什麼總是比誰更加空虛,為什麼終究是比誰人也更複雜,但為什麼最後總是,比任何人而言更加孤獨,即便如此,比起誰人所煩惱的更無謂
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掌握的靈魂層次不同,為什麼,我不是在抱怨這點,為什麼,生命卻比任何人更加普通,明明有這股熾熱在裏頭,但卻從未可以讓腦內的想法成真,從來沒有這個跡象,去證明於自己看,以心景為據,由生未來的畫像是可能成真
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就連去妒忌的對象也沒有,如此一生的普通,是自有的平凡,叫人憎恨的事實,前提才不是自命清高,而是失真的聲音,早已逝去,流失時間中
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您不能想像出完全不曾認識之物,不存在的字,未看過的顏色,頂點的極限,往往比空想中近
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吶,可是
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可是痛楚對其而言,這個想學童話公主的女孩而言,言語表達不能的「普通」,我的恨她的畏,這是會破壞「天真無邪」的感覺,這是會吹倒心中幼苗的狂風天氣
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不想面對,而將本身巨大的力量用於逃避
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始終如此腦內世界,奇妙童言,之所以有豐富的登場人物、曲折回轉的故事發展,是因為投入此世的濃厚,這片造物者的心意綿密,假設沒有全能也好,這神,在這世界卻是無所不能
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但為什麼,仍然選擇逃避?因為做到,想做是兩回事,若世界黑白分明,比起無聊,更是只有末路一條,始終城市總有邊界
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很難理解嗎?我知道,但人心如此,言語如此
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世界由言語構成,大地的一石、一水,一目亦由之造成,之為智慧正正是人類所理解之物,我們的祖先、後代,從古到今,今至以後都是這樣,無可否認,欣然接受;419Please respect copyright.PENANAH94B6tWuGu
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世界由一開始已經被接受,存在是生命承認的,生命存在是自我意識的衍生,本來空無也可以成就,有信徒話是奇蹟,有他人嘆之奇妙,撇甩如何,世間確巧而奇;
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打從言語的誕生,世界在生,容納生命,他説,要有光、善惡、土地;
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世界承全生命,言語組成世界,乃一切,祂不需開口,已行在的真理;
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言語即是真理,而生命要停在言語不能到及的邊境,非生命不能觸及的城牆,這不是一片極樂,淨土罷,因為對於生命而言,是自由的
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生命是自由的
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取自於《傳真道:論世經》第 1 章:開端
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宗教,仗著信仰的力量吸引信徒,時愚者會厭之可恥,時智者會對之佩服,畢竟其實信仰所操縱的人心,一直以來,我們也是一知半解
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不同於傳統的科學原理,只是這個簡單得來,又重大的問題
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人心、心理、理論、論文、文言、言行、行為、為政、政哲、哲學
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世界確是建基於認知上,但不是認知內,更是外,一直以來,世界和生命一直改變,言語本身也持續轉變著,不恆定的永遠就是全部的廬山真面目,不合理也可以合理,不存在也可以存在
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因而道理是,既可以知道所有,也可以知道所有
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這種自由對生命而言不多也不少
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然而,人,從來不止於生命
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熊掌和魚,魚我所欲也,熊掌亦我所欲也,二者不可得兼,比生命更重要,不止生命的領域是可以達到的,始終是言語所能及之地,唯獨條件是捨魚而取熊掌,不可共有的結局如此
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困惑多少,憂愁再多,悽慘戚有時
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但再說下去就無聊了
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再説下去便是邊界了
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要知道,生命是可以明白生命以外的事情,就足夠了
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反正,這不是全部人也能輕易理解的
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但是我不希望那天的到來419Please respect copyright.PENANA6hsPVKvll7
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