News Guy:
I'm coming to you live from the site of the first battle of Universe War II. Both sides are rallying their forces. The Technical Tyrants are striking the ocean world of Zelos III. The Robot Nazis are leading its native people, the Chanerites, to camps where they are being systematically murdered.
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Space Jesus:
High-Tech Heroes! We can not allow this atrocity to continue! Prepare to defend the Chanerites!
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Shigeru Miyamoto:
(Draws Master Sword from its sheath) Attack!
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News Guy:
The High-Tech Heroes have engaged The Technical Tyrants. They are now fighting an epic battle. The battle is so epic it makes the huge battle at the end of Lord of the Rings look boring. This is anyone's battle. It could go either way. The two sides are evenly matched. Nintendo's Army is raining down Light Arrows from the Legend of Zelda series and vaporizing their enemies. Sony's Army is retaliating by shooting at Nintendo's Army with the guns from Metal Gear Solid. Space Jesus has just rode into battle on a white horse (which is wearing a space helmet) and is eliminating entire platoons. Wait! An unidentified force has entered the battlefield and seems to be trying to separate the two warring factions. Oh! It's the Canadian Army!
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Canadian General:
Why are you fighting, friends? Can't we all just live in peace, buddies?
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Robot Hitler:
No, and I'm not your buddy!
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Canadian General:
Sorry, guy. I just think it'd be better for everyone if this war stopped. What's this war even aboot.
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Robot Hitler:
The Purple Battle Seals need a place to live, we are helping them take this planet.
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Space Jesus:
To do so they are systematically murdering the Chanerites!
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Canadian General:
Robot Hitler. Don't you think that it's wrong to systematically murder an entire species, pal?
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Robot Hitler:
No, and I'm not your pal!
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Canadian General:
Look friend. Genocide is wrong, guy, and I think you should stop and apologize to the Chanerites, buddy!
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Robot Hitler:
Fiiiiine. I'm sorry.
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Winston Churchill:
Say it like you mean it!
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Robot Hitler:
I'm sorry.
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Canadian General:
So, Space Jesus. What do we do about the Purple Battle Seals?
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Leader Seal:
(Seal noises)
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Space Jesus:
No we can't just let you live here and kill off the Chanerites.
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Canadian General:
Uh. Space Jesus. I think we have a bigger problem at the moment.
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Cyber Stalin:
It's the Galactic Empire!
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News Guy:
Eight Imperial-Class Star Destroyers and one Executor-Class Star Destroyer are in orbit over this planet, thousands of TIE Fighters screech across the sky, and the Death Star is poised for the destruction of this planet.
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Mecha Mussolini:
Oh no! We're doomed! Quick! Mecha Fascist Italians! Switch sides!
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News Guy:
The Mecha Fascist Italians have joined the Galactic Empire and totally betrayed everyone else.
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Space Jesus:
Somebody hand me a slingshot and a grenade.
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Canadian General:
You're in luck, buddy! I just happen to have both on hand, friend!
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News Guy:
Space Jesus has just loaded a grenade into a slingshot and fired in at the Death Star. Somehow Space Jesus managed to fire the grenade into the Death Star's only weakness: a small thermal exhaust-port that leads directly to the main reactor. The Death Star has just exploded and killed about 300 thousand people.
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Winston Churchill:
Good job Space Jesus, but we still have to deal with eight Imperial-Class Star Destroyers, one Executor-Class Star Destroyer, and thousands of TIE Fighters!
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Canadian General:
Leave that to us, pal! Fire the nonlethal!
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Canadian Soldier:
Yes sir!
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News Guy:
The Canadians have fired some strange electrical pulse at each Star Destroyer. The Star Destroyers seem to have lost power and are being pulled down to the surface by gravity.
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Cyber Stalin:
Drop one Tsar Bomba on each Star Destroyer!
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News Guy:
It seems the Cyber Soviets have dropped several of the most destructive bombs in existence on the Galactic Empire's Star Destroyers.
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Cyber Stalin:
The Death Star and the Star Destroyers are no longer a problem, but what about the TIE Fighters?
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Shigeru Miyamoto:
Nintendo may have a solution. Release the beast!
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Space Jesus:
What?!
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News Guy:
Nintendo has released a giant monster made of mold to destroy the TIE Fighters! Everything the mold monster touches becomes covered in mold. It is swatting down one TIE after another! All the TIE Fighters have been destroyed and Nintendo is subduing the Mold Monster by spraying it with yeast. The beast is dead.
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