Chapter I: In a Normal Town, a Normal Life?
Imagine a composition of materials which closely resemble the texture of gelatin but has the weight of a cement block. Now picture this composition replacing your skin, pinning you down to your bed, all the while feeling as though there are a thousand electrical pulses being fired from your brain to each one of your limbs. Trapped inside your own body, unable to move more than a few inches before feeling as though a dark hand grips the scruff of your neck and slams you back into your slumber. My doctor sees this as 'acute laziness', as do my brothers, as does my father... but it is so much more. My mother sees it. She knows I don't get to chose when to wake up and start my day like every other individual on this godforsaken earth. She knows I have to wrestle to escape whatever state of sleep I fell into the previous night, tossing and turning. Not quite awake; not quite asleep. Torture. Torture every single morning.
Once I've gone blow-to-blow with my brain, I tend to do one of two things, I either; wake up and start my day, get up, brush my teeth, get ready for school etc.; or I tumble into deepest corners of my psyche until I can only be awoken by a firm force, such as a slap being ripped across my face. It was typically the latter. This makeshift medicine for my problem was usually administered by Teddy, I made him a promise when he was 6 that I would walk with him to school every morning while our father wasn't home - he hasn't forgotten that promise nor will allow for me to live it down. I act as though it annoys me. Every morning he attacks me in to, sometimes literally, drag me out of my pit. However, a large part of me is extremely thankful for him and this same part of me dreads the day he gets too old to care about me walking him to school; that will be the day I am trapped for good.
Let me give you a demonstration as to what it feels like being trapped.
The dreams typically begin quite normally. I will be in a perfectly plausible scenario, for example: in school or work. In this instance, I'll use work as an example. I'll be wandering around in the dining area, talking to customers and clearing up - as usual. Suddenly, I will feel as though a pit opens inside of me as if my very core is hungry. I'll try to ignore it but then it will rapidly develop into intense pain like the pit is feeding on my very life essence. I will sometimes hear a voice, deep and husky, call out to me:
"The Lense. The Lense. The Lense. Carl. Carl. Carl." the husky voice will mumble.
I will try to locate the voice but it will be of no use, I'll wobble and then fall back into the floor. It swallows me whole. Then...darkness. I'll feel as though my body is on fire some nights, others I will feel frozen in an ice cap. There is only one consistency, my vertebrate are stone boulders. Fused, no room for movement. In the very second, I begin to lose all hope, a light will appear in the darkness. The abyss which surrounds me becomes solid wherever I place my hands. Some days I can crawl my way out of the dark into the light of my conscious state. Other days, I am hopeless and have to sit and wait for my crippled corpse to float seamlessly towards my awakening.
Except, of course, for the days where Teddy will wake me up. When he begins to wake me I can hear his soft voice attempt to call my name180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKtJtfjscHP
"Carel(Carl)! Carel(Carl)!" his distinct speech impediment allowing for me to distinguish his voice from the husky one once and for all. Then, as if fired from a catapult, I will be propelled forwards and an immeasurable speed until I sharply sit up. Awake at last. Back into reality.
On this specific morning, Teddy had rescued my consciousness from the pit once again. He was sitting at the end of my bed, in his favourite yellow dressing gown. 180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8yhDyVgCjM
"Oh hey, little man, how'd you get up here?" I enquired, genuinely concerned.180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4q2mBTPn1g
"I just sowta(sorta) puwwed(pulled) on the stwing(string) and opened" Teddy replied, his tender voice caressing each of my tired ears. I paused for a second and looked over at the bolt, it was fully open. Maybe I had been sleepwalking? Or went to the bathroom and forgot to lock the hatch? Either way, I dismissed the issue and continued my conversation with Teddy.
"You must be getting pretty strong if you can pull down those ladders, eh?" I asked in a playful tone, attempting to boost his confidence. 180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq0MrDQuOkD
"Vewy(very) stwong(strong)" Teddy blabbered after stuttering for several seconds. 180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfAtYtqyHq3
"Have you eaten yet?"180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTYuqmopk7Q
"Nope! Been w-w-wait w-wait" Teddy stumbled over his words for a few seconds before finalising a sentence "howding(holding) back for you!" I chuckled, he was always sweet when it came to waiting for me. He would often not eat his dinner until I was home from work.180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwvYNVkm4j4
"What time is it?"180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxkc7KwSYjX
"11:30"180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx1uPAhmbw2
"You must be starving! How about I make you my world-famous pancakes, huh?"
Teddy leapt up to the top of the bed and snuggled himself into me, nodding furiously. He couldn't contain his excitement. He grabbed my hand and before I knew it, I was in the kitchen. Leaning over a hot skillet, flipping golden pancakes. Lincoln and my mother would often join us but my mother was out job hunting as usual and Lincoln hadn't returned home from the night before. So this time, it was just Teddy and me. I didn't typically mind it but this was the third morning Lincoln hadn't joined us. Lincoln was 19 going on 20 so I was expecting him to be moving out soon, so the least he could do was spend some time with his younger siblings before he began to freeload elsewhere.
It always disturbed me when Lincoln would show an absolute emotional detachment towards our family. He'd often show up late to gatherings if at all. He'd never spend time with Teddy, hence Teddy's intense reliance on myself but the worst of it was when our grandmother died - everybody was upset and couldn't contain their pain, however, Lincoln showed no signs of even being bothered, barely even comforting myself and my mother. Father always said he was trying to take his place and fill his shoes while he was away, I still don't think it excuses him for being an emotionless jerk.
After Teddy and I had finished scoffing our pancakes, we began to get ready for the day. It was a Sunday, I had days leave from work and my mother had been too concerned with finding a job to take us to church. 180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWJo6UEBEiE
"Hey, do you wanna go to the park today?" I asked Teddy, aiming to get him excited for the day. He always loved to go to the park.180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmoHkVyyavD
"I would wuv(would) to" He responded energetically. 180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡONaGxqHmhA
"Go get yourself ready, then!" before I could even finish issuing my little command, Teddy flew off running up towards his bedroom. I followed slowly, making my way to my room once again where I would gather some clothes before heading to the bathroom and taking a shower.
After I finished, I put on the clothes I had gathered. I was sporting; khaki pants rolled up at the ankle in order to give a cropped look, I always preferred to show off my socks; an oversized Sex Pistols T-shirt, given to me by my father's brother who had lived in the UK during the Punk startup in the 70s; and a large denim jacket, ripped at the elbows, which finished the look off nicely. I had become slightly infamous in town for dressing differently - some people loved it, others? Despised it. I tried to not let it get to me, I liked the way I dressed and that's all that mattered.
Once dressed, I wandered downstairs to see Teddy already waiting for me at the door. He was wearing denim dungarees, unfasted at one shoulder where he had obviously failed to latch the button, and a bright yellow t-shirt underneath. He was sat by the door attempting to tie up his shoes, unsuccessful albeit but at least he would attempt. I fastened his shoes before slipping into my Chuck Taylor's and leading him out the door, locking it behind me. Our house was nothing special, it was a detached townhouse which sat politely at the top of our luscious green lawn which had a winding stone footpath leading up to it. Weeds would often begin to grow while my father was away, he would take pride in cleaning up the rough edges of the garden every time he came home - I think it was somehow therapeutic to mend the ailments of the garden each time he returned.
I led Teddy down our street and onto the next block where the small park was. It was quite out of the way of the road so not many people would pass by it unless they were going to it themselves. It was around 12 noon at this point in the day so there were only two other people in the park. Ms Winkle, a teacher in the local kindergarten, and her son, Rudi. She was pushing him on the swing, facing away from Teddy and me. I was just about to yell a greeting when a voice from behind me did so before me.
"Oh, Hilda!" the voice was high pitched and resembled nails being scratched across a chalkboard. "Hilda, darling, I would have never expected to see you here instead of church" the voice continued. I turned around to see Dorothy Hunter, head of the Parents Commission of Educational Standards - a glorified PTA. She walked everywhere with an upturned nose and would look down on anyone she thought was going to make her feel less entitled to her snobbery. She was wearing a yellow dress with pink polka dots, with matching pink dolly shoes. She brushed past me and continued towards Ms Winkle and Rudi. I shook my head and turned my back to the trio and began looking at what to do with Teddy.
Before I knew it, I heard shrieking. Not screaming but shrieking. The most stomach-turning, blood-curdling shrieking I had ever heard. I quickly whipped around to see Dorothy coming pounding towards me.180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8rp0g3p3bh
"Oh God! Oh God!" She was bawling as she fell into my arms.180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtFPMJl6dKt
"What!? What is it!?" I bellowed at her.180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2K4gvOr5pY
"He's-He's dead!" Dorothy was ashen, barely standing up.180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiN9RejDs13
"Who is!?"180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuDBgw9wGXW
"Rudi, she's killed him!" Dorothy barely screeched before crying so much she couldn't speak.180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW0AgwwMJTQ
People approaching the park with their children heard the cries and began to gather around. However, no one dared to go near. Ms Winkle wasn't responding to any calls for her name and before I knew it, I was surrounded by 5 mothers with their children. I knew what I had to do.180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4P4oy1flt5
"Excuse me, Ma'am, could you watch my little brother for a second? I'll go check what's going on" I asked courteously. The woman agreed but not before issuing a verbal warning180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFzYxBhMmRO
"Be careful" her voice was warm and loving. I nodded before I began my approach. By this point, Dorothy had passed out cold in the arms of one of the parents. An ambulance was on its way, along with the police. Nobody knew if Dorothy had gone mad but we all knew something, Ms Winkle was not acting right. 180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6lYsGYeiIT
On my approach my knees became weak. My stomach was seizing. I could feel my hands shaking even more with every step I took. I heard my feet rustle the bark floor underneath me as I stepped into the square where the swingset was located.180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrtqV3t5MrU
"Ms Winkle?" I sputtered, "Is everything okay?". She Continued to stare away from me, mindlessly pushing the swing. 180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6IXNrDkzwG
That's when I saw it. I wish I never had seen it but I saw it.
My spine locked up. My eyes felt as though they doubled in size. All of the colour escaped my body. My lungs were unable to shift any air in or out. My very life essence had shuddered into a cold recess.180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2AEuT1cDtQ
Rudi's pale corpse. Limp. Cold. Blue at the lips. Eyes still wet from the tears he had been crying. He was slumped lifelessly in the swing. Still being pushed by Ms Winkle. She had a sick smile on her face, her eyes were completely glazed over.
Before I knew it, I was grabbed from behind by a police officer. It was Sheriff Williams. 180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4GuqrUuRV8
"Come on, son, you've helped enough." His gruff voice said as he dragged me away. I couldn't help but keep my eyes firmly fixated on Rudi. Another police officer apprehended Ms Winkle, she seemed to snap out of whatever state she was in almost instantly. She began crying, vomiting, and falling over as soon as she had realised what she had done.180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm5I9HhluLP
I was never the same after seeing that. No sane person would be. I was soon sat in the police station. My hands wrapped firmly around a mug of water. I couldn't stop shaking. My mother had been found at the local supermarket where she was taken promptly to me so she could look after Teddy. After relaying what I had seen to Sherriff Williams and his team, I was led outside where my mother and Teddy had been waiting for me. They both hugged me tightly. I broke down into tears.180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeZOhTiv7lD
I felt weak.
They took me home where I would sit for the rest of the night in front of the TV. Drinking water and re-imagining the image of Rudi. It was as if it were burned into my very retinas - I could see him no matter where I looked. 180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8LZZQwHSEF
Eventually, I fell asleep and so the cycle of my condition would kickstart all over again. Trapped inside my mind for another night.
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