I’m tired, been tired for a while though so I guess it’s nothing new. Feeling rested that would be new. I’m talking about a genuine kind of rested not the good sleep, ready to start the day rest they try and sell you in commercials. I don’t know what I’m saying honestly I guess I mean I want change but can’t think of a better way to say that.
Been looking around this room for a while, not sure why. I know my pals are in their rooms watching the boob tube but I know nothings ever really on except commercials. A few might be calling home but I don’t have a home to call and even if I did no one would answer. Then there’s Tom, more than likely he’s got some working girl in his bed regretting her decision to never go to college. That’s not for me though so I’ll just lay here and see faces and moments play in the crumbs on my ceiling. My hands are starting to get a little shaky so instinct tells me to grab for my pack of smokes. “Those things will kill you ya know.” No I had no idea, wish there was a sergeant general who’d warn me about these kinds of things. Listen in my experience on this rock floating in space we call home I’ve noticed that the people who tend to live longest are smokers and assholes so unless a train hits me I should live forever.
I reach for the pack of smokes that should be on the nightstand, it’s not. I get up and check my work coveralls that I’d thrown on the cheap hotel desk, not there either. Well that’s the only other place they’d be so I come to the conclusion that I left them on the train. I remember seeing a little rinky dink convenient store when we pulled into town. Shouldn’t be too far from the motel so I guess I’m going for a walk.
It’s freezing out here, about 4 inches of snow. I haven’t been in snow since I was a kid, not as fun as I remember. The wind is killing me, feels like someone is just hitting me with a bag of ice. I should invest in a better jacket. Like those big padded ones I see the boys who work on the northern railroads wear. I’m not sure how far this store is but I’m pretty sure I’m going the right way. Imagine how back in the day people would walk through any climate because they had no choice, no vehicles just whatever they could wear to fight nature. That’s a pretty common thought to have while walking anywhere I think.
The convenient store has one of those “open” neon signs but the letter E is off so it just says “OPN”. Old Proud Nudists, Orange’s Provide Nutrients, Original People needed. I see the the cashier lady and smile to myself. Imagining her working in a small shop for old proud nudists is funny to me, she doesn’t seem like the type though. The lady behind the counter is reading a magazine and doesn’t greet me that’s fine we’ll all die one day and these small interactions won’t matter in the end. Whether someone says “hello” or “how are you?” Or even if they hold open a door for you, it all doesn’t really matter. Don’t get me wrong common courtesy is always welcomed and we should be kind to one another, I guess I just mean in the long run those small interactions don’t stop you from dying and you won’t even think about them on your death bed so don’t sweat it if you miss a “hello” here and there. I often think about how when a person dies you’re either there to witness it happen or you miss their final moments. I honestly can’t decide which is worse. I guess I got a little too focused in that thought because once I come back to reality I see the magazine reading cashier staring at me with an impatient look on her face. “One Pack of camels” I say.
I think about this commercial I saw every time I light a cigarette. The mans teeth fell out and his wife or girlfriend leaves him, the commercial then says “smoking could make you lose your teeth, who knows what else you’ll lose.” Which to this day I think is a strange concept for a commercial, I understand the main focus was to say “hey quit smoking it’s bad for your health” but the part of “who knows what else you’ll lose?” Never really made sense, did his significant other leave because he smoked? Did she leave because he had no teeth? Why is it a question of who knows? Shouldn’t the doctors know? His wife or girlfriend or whoever she was definitely had to know, considering she left him and all. I do give the marketing team credit though because it’s stuck with me and I think about it often and even though they didn’t get me to quit they did a good job being memorable. I’ll have one more smoke then go in.
Despite the weather right now I understand why people live in small towns like these. No worries about noise and the hustle and bustle of city life. Just wake up and go about life at the pace you choose. I mean personally I wouldn’t live here but I understand why folks do. Im content on being a traveler roaming and floating through life, always have been always will be. I take a drag and a light roar hits my ear. A plane, crazy to think people used to smoke on those things. It makes me think of this argument my uncle had with this man who tried to sell him on some new telecommunication service or something of that nature. The man told him “your world won’t be so small with our service it’ll be a bigger world, you’ll be able to reach out to any country you want” he told the salesman “but wouldn’t that make the world smaller? If it’s easier to reach out doesn’t that mean my world is getting smaller and easier to access?” The salesman disagreed and the debate went on for a while and ended with no sale. I think they were both right, honestly I think they were both saying the same thing just from a different perspective. Funny how you can disagree but still say the same thing. It’s getting colder out here but I think I’ll have a third smoke for the fuck of it.
My father used to say “never gamble on the weather” which I didn’t understand when I was younger but later realized meant, don’t be too sure because things can change without warning. I’m pretty sure that’s what he meant. That man was a mystery and day after day I realize how I’m becoming him. Which is usually a realization that people who never wanted to be like their parents always have at some point in their lives. I remember when I was about 12 I had stolen one of his cigarettes and smoked it in the shed, he caught me of course. I remember the veins on his temple would pop out when he was upset almost like a kind of way of telling you “I’m pissed off” without saying anything. I expected him to hit me or scold me or something in the aggression category that he was accustomed to be in. Nothing like that though, he walked back into the house and got his car keys and drove off. I was terrified so I stayed exactly where I was, frozen in fear until about 15 minutes passed and he came back. He walked up to me silent and stern as usual but he was holding a black plastic bag. He reached in and pulled out a carton of camels. He tossed it to me and said “you want to smoke? You’re gonna smoke this whole carton then” I remember weakly saying “but...” and then a hairy knuckled adult fist smashed into my face, I remember as my nose bled and my eyes watered he said “no if and or buts boy, now open a pack.” I don’t think about it too much but the memory creeps back in whenever I find myself chain smoking. He wasn’t a bad father he just had a lot happen to him so I’d say he wasn’t really done growing as a person before he got the title of father. As for my mother I’d only known her through the pictures I’d found my father had hidden in a box with a gun and some letters he’d gotten while in the military. She was beautiful and I often think that if I’d had a chance to get to know her that maybe I’d understand myself a little more. Maybe she had the same thoughts I did. Maybe she liked traveling too. Thoughts of my mother usually mean it’s time to go inside.
ns3.138.61.216da2
