靈堂裡,相框上,是亡者最愛的黑白照。明眸酷齒,烏髮雪肌。像人,是媽。媽在醫院裡待了三個月,可惜等不到適合的器官作移植。也是的,不知多少病者等了多少年,也輪不到一個器官。何況她只是等了三個月…548Please respect copyright.PENANAQsAqsK7bl1
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我一再向來賓欠身鞠躬。到來致意的,是蟻。和我一起站在主家席的,是蟻。躺在棺木裡的,是蟻。滿堂是蟻。我沒有絲毫驚懼,因為我已習慣蟻的存在,包括體外的蟻和體內的蟻。548Please respect copyright.PENANAClo7JDHB9D
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體外的蟻與我比較相處得來。在遠去的那些年,牠們曾經是人,保有些許人類的特徵。牠們善於假扮人類,扮思考,扮自由,扮公平,扮大愛。牠們的偽裝幾近完美,唯獨是極強的「排他性」沒能完全被遮掩。若我的真正身份一旦被揭發,我勢必陷入萬劫不復之境。548Please respect copyright.PENANA7ILycv5z82
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我不斷告誡自己,必定要忍。只要忍過去,不拆穿牠們的假面具,就不會遭受攻擊。這可不是易事。我畢竟不是牠們的同類,要做到和牠們行徑一致,必有一定難度。548Please respect copyright.PENANAI3d6WUWfC3
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幸好,我還有體內的蟻。在我體內,有處於敵對狀態的兩群蟻。牠們為爭奪更多資源,不停戰鬥,將我的身體各個部份當作戰場。當某些身體部位感到劇痛時,我就知道,牠們正在那兒開戰。戰後,無論誰勝誰負,亡者的屍體都會腐爛分解,化為黏液,滲入我身體各處。牠們的意志會隨著黏液成為我的一部份。548Please respect copyright.PENANAXapCAimjny
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相比昔日的我,現在的我有點兒像蟻,無論思考模式或行為習性皆然。但我清楚知道,我只是扮蟻的人。548Please respect copyright.PENANAGaQtEdW0HK
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喪禮過後,我和妹並肩行。548Please respect copyright.PENANARyo8rKQ1Eb
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我不知該視妹為她或牠。半人半蟻的狀態,該怎麼分類?我不懂。妹曾經和我同聲同氣,對家庭的無理束縛同樣不滿。惟在媽入院後,妹的態度來個一百八十度大轉變,說甚麼「血濃於水」。我沒贊同,亦沒反駁,單純的無話可說。548Please respect copyright.PENANAmytfhAt2hx
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彼此相顧無言,卻因一隻小蟻而開始對話。548Please respect copyright.PENANAfzMQXxaDn0
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「小心!」妹吹走我手臂上小蟻。「難道是在靈堂裡拈來的?」妹說,剛才在靈堂主家席附近看見很多蟻,卻又不敢清走牠們。傳說,亡者能夠附在小昆蟲上。548Please respect copyright.PENANAQQ3sIg7gSs
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「可能吧。」我淡然一笑,心裡歡喜妹記得我怕蟻。沒料到,妹仍記得以往的我。548Please respect copyright.PENANAdH6cWTpLWh
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「這裡又有一隻蟻!」走沒兩三步,妹突然又指向我的衫尾。548Please respect copyright.PENANApJSkV2yX8t
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我瞄了瞄,一指彈走小蟻。我知道蟻從何來:來自我身體內。近來,不時發現有少量蟻會隨著我的糞便和尿液排出體外。我估計,牠們已遷居至我下體一帶。偶有幾隻發現了出入口,好奇到外邊的世界看看。548Please respect copyright.PENANA17eVOO72T3
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「咦?那裡又…」妹的吃驚神情提醒了我。若在這話題上繼續擾攘,恐怕妹會發現甚麼端倪。548Please respect copyright.PENANA7dnkwH0bfC
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「我去整理一下,不用等我。」我匆匆轉身離開。548Please respect copyright.PENANAAPxuPEgXS4
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妹不會明白我,我亦不打算要妹明白我。548Please respect copyright.PENANAz1Tdp69ksL
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有時候,我在想,奴性為何得以如此猖狂。天性使然?僅此而已?不。因為清醒會痛,痛感來自自身的無力。看見世態的扭曲,卻沒能改變,更遑論救走在意的人。天天在無間地獄消磨身心靈,由呱呱墜地一刻,直至與世長辭的一剎。無力感,殺人不見血。548Please respect copyright.PENANAt8z4JXVfjo
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或許,我不該好管閒事,放手讓那些被蟻群玷污的人繼續以奴性活出生存意義。548Please respect copyright.PENANArsPRZRUIAJ
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正如男友一樣。548Please respect copyright.PENANAc7WPMqdeiV
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三日前,男友發現了蟻巢所在地,發瘋似的拖我去見醫生。我不依。548Please respect copyright.PENANAJntwn8QBSl
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「你會死!」他愛我。548Please respect copyright.PENANAgHx5RkN7Ll
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「人總有一死,無需懼怕。與其活得苟且,我寧願死得清醒!」我愛他:「讓我們各自選擇自己的快樂吧!」548Please respect copyright.PENANAmlg4dML8WG
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他呆住了。548Please respect copyright.PENANAOHmlD66iet
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拍拖前,他提及過自己的夢想:他不甘心整輩子看人臉色,誓要開公司當老闆。拍拖後,萌起結婚念頭後,他說要安安份份找份高薪工作,給我過安安穩穩的生活。賺錢養妻活兒,孩子要當醫生或律師…他擁我入懷,興奮無比地說了很多夢話,做了很多美夢。夢很美,美得可笑。我心懷歉疚。因為他的改變是基於對我的愛。他為了我而扭曲了真正的自己,不成人形。548Please respect copyright.PENANA12z9G73NPF
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他仍然呆住,隨我逕自走過他身邊,鑽出蟻巢。548Please respect copyright.PENANAv7CaohyUOT
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他經已徹徹底底成為一隻蟻。我心痛,但祝願牠永遠活在美夢當中,快快樂樂。548Please respect copyright.PENANAr87bBBJCl2
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(第七節完)548Please respect copyright.PENANAv8lajYvBo8