「你是誰?」你問我,口腔滲出一陣濃烈酒氣。957Please respect copyright.PENANAwtcULjOWpu
957Please respect copyright.PENANAtE7A342ll6
「我是『我』。」酒過三巡,我迷糊地交出自以為最好的答案,不想在高深的你面前出洋相。957Please respect copyright.PENANATn8jJ4o7uI
957Please respect copyright.PENANA4Tn12rzUfX
你竊笑,讚我很可愛,但也給我一個小建議:「你該答『我是花姑娘』。」957Please respect copyright.PENANAQzUc2aUxAL
957Please respect copyright.PENANA2joSPuWZxO
「我的答案有錯麼?」望著你象牙白的西裝,我鼓起兩腮,深深不忿。957Please respect copyright.PENANAmA368ogZsi
957Please respect copyright.PENANAfPU2fGXPn6
「沒有錯。不過沒意義。」你輕托我的下巴,就像要小貓咪抬頭那樣肆意。957Please respect copyright.PENANAQ8id9OnSsi
957Please respect copyright.PENANAi2hjs7FWHg
「若果,『我是我』是一件沒意義的事,難道『我是花姑娘』會更有意義?」我不解,頭痛欲裂,不得不放下酒杯。後仰在黑皮椅背,瞇眼捕捉閃爍迷人的水晶燈光,細思何謂意義。957Please respect copyright.PENANAaHL8o3Mm3h
957Please respect copyright.PENANAgeVjpOSojR
「當然!做『花姑娘』能賺取收入。有收入,才能養活自己。養活自己,才能繼續思考做『我』是否真的沒意義。當『我』沒收入、活不了,那做『我』的意義,不也不存在了嗎?」說得興起,你竟變成小孩子,嬉皮笑臉,失儀地跪在地上,一頭埋在我的大腿間,在黑底碎花的絲質祺袍上磨蹭,嘟嚷著:「先讓我稍息一會。今晚才告訴你,做『花姑娘』的意義!」957Please respect copyright.PENANAVq7Wnk9lrs
957Please respect copyright.PENANAFnXa9X3Lrb
「好。我等你。」我低頭微笑,笑你伶牙俐齒。你的牙齒白得發亮,很好看。957Please respect copyright.PENANA2hNQcN84SF
957Please respect copyright.PENANAM1YxO8l5aZ
我和你赤條條地在床上水乳交融。二元,一體,互化。957Please respect copyright.PENANA8GMhnAayZR
957Please respect copyright.PENANA5JiFIJ6qA0
將我壓在胯下,你在我耳邊輕輕吹氣:「領略到意義沒?」957Please respect copyright.PENANAhooi1zX7jg
957Please respect copyright.PENANA4TX2b9nFvZ
分不清你是有心或無意,發問的同時,你竟對我施力,讓我嬌喘得吐不出話來。957Please respect copyright.PENANAJtxQ8eo8WL
957Please respect copyright.PENANA7vsDahj2ZT
「那就繼續想想吧!」你是塗滿毒藥裡的蜜餞,給我歡愉,給我傷害。957Please respect copyright.PENANAurFcHB6hho
957Please respect copyright.PENANAitYcf6KwpZ
我不明白自己何以會對你如此著迷,正如我不明白自己何以會對「我」產生執迷。957Please respect copyright.PENANANSZ9ux0uD7
957Please respect copyright.PENANAtyCyLwM4aE
這種執迷,萌芽於青澀的年華。曾經,救國救民是生存的唯一意義,也是我和你之間的唯一話題。957Please respect copyright.PENANA3NkChlQfRs
957Please respect copyright.PENANAYqb3g2iAPy
那一天,報章上的戰爭消息刺激了你。你氣得咬牙切齒,喊打喊殺,發誓要打倒入侵者的國,殺他們片甲不留。我欣賞你的志氣,但我不識趣地補充一句:「當然要把他們打走、要他們道歉和賠償,卻絕不能對他們生起趕盡殺絕之意!」957Please respect copyright.PENANAKl4wnfyg3b
957Please respect copyright.PENANAqkEJGHCFsa
火燒心,懷著剎那的衝動,你摑了我一記耳光,咆哮大叫:「難道你要等他們再殺回來?」話語間,恐懼多於仇恨,情感多於理智。957Please respect copyright.PENANA4bb2dnPSAV
957Please respect copyright.PENANAsY9tp9yKpa
「哪會殺得盡?你看!他們不也是想將我國滅掉,我倆不也是好好的站在這裡,商討如何反擊!同樣,我國亦沒能將他們根除。結果就是他們會好好的站在那邊,商討如何反擊我國!」我掩著滾燙的臉蛋,強抑眼淚:「我們想到的,他們也會想到。」957Please respect copyright.PENANA091vzd3Kkq
957Please respect copyright.PENANApfnyUIXdh1
「不要將我們和他們混為一談!」你的語氣略為收斂,眼神沒有剛才的兇狠,負面情緒盡洩在報紙之上:「也不要將我和你混為一談。」957Please respect copyright.PENANA6lphMpfC6M
957Please respect copyright.PENANAmQUbAtHmFj
報紙碎成漫天飛花,就像旗袍上的碎花那樣淒楚。957Please respect copyright.PENANAMdFEsyqnF3
957Please respect copyright.PENANANRuE2qs5KK
完事後,你躺在床上,閉目養神。我也沒有睡,側著身子,背對著你,面對著旗袍上的碎花圖案。957Please respect copyright.PENANAbM2hx8FohP
957Please respect copyright.PENANA7Ds9OLOCGv
我的旗袍是溫柔謐靜的黑,上邊有細細碎碎、白裡透紅的桃花圖案。那點微弱的紅,像憤怒的眼,又像無力的血。957Please respect copyright.PENANAxjj5eXb3Tw
957Please respect copyright.PENANApg1AgjcReG
那一朝早,天還沒有亮得透,泛著教人倒胃口的魚肚白色。我被急促的敲門聲吵醒了,匆匆忙忙整理衣衫,應門去。門後是焦急如焚的你。你說大馬路那邊出亂子,需要大家聲援。957Please respect copyright.PENANAInSq0TjIMX
957Please respect copyright.PENANAJ7bpSKbfsW
我擦著惺忪睡眼,迷迷糊糊跟你去。路上,遇到不同院校的學生,大家同樣神色凝重,快步急步疾步,步向遊行大隊,加入其中。差不多的髮型,近乎一式一樣的衣著,同樣的年輕熱血,再也分不出我你他。957Please respect copyright.PENANAfClkfYMJ2L
957Please respect copyright.PENANAmmZE7HmzXn
同喊口號,同舉旗幟,來到大馬路。957Please respect copyright.PENANAmrwfcGPstS
957Please respect copyright.PENANA3jV2nKKcty
我隊當中,不知是誰,用激昂的聲調,喊出沙啞不清的一句說話。我聽不到那人在喊甚麼,相信附近的人也聽不見。但在氛圍的感染下,我隊中人紛紛叫好。氣氛越炒越烈,在場眾人相繼紅了眼。957Please respect copyright.PENANApXOKOXACjg
957Please respect copyright.PENANAsLDv4Sg4US
你額角青筋暴現,眼睛滿佈血絲,仇視著我隊以外的所有人。你只看到張張醜惡的臉,卻對多支火槍視而不見。957Please respect copyright.PENANAT1pymHk4V7
957Please respect copyright.PENANARCb3jwF4gP
槍聲四起,我隊陣營被打散,你我齊齊奔向小巷。百多步的距離,成了一輩子的夢魘。混亂間,我被硬物擊傷頭部,血流成河。957Please respect copyright.PENANA9cJcolEMOb
957Please respect copyright.PENANAboDXaWHxoZ
你死抱著我,拼命將我拖離混世。隨著血水流失,我的身體變得不聽喚。想跑,卻跑不動。957Please respect copyright.PENANAAyhxMCTQ0S
957Please respect copyright.PENANA4BKcqwu9Lk
我首次體驗到意識和身體的分離。957Please respect copyright.PENANAdIZ3d6syom
957Please respect copyright.PENANAOD2YRBDl6v
分離以後,我的意識是「我」嗎?我的身體是「我」嗎?只有完整的我,才是「我」?如果我缺了手或缺了腳,我是「我」嗎?如果我的心意改變了,我是「我」嗎?變了調的我,是「我」嗎?若然,曾經的我是「我」嗎?現在的我也是「我」嗎?957Please respect copyright.PENANA8gaYD83qPD
957Please respect copyright.PENANAy7gX9rbz3z
意識中的連串問題,隨著身體的無力而陷入一片帶紅的黑。957Please respect copyright.PENANA4B6N84E09o
957Please respect copyright.PENANAvKTrQQH537
「在想甚麼?」你的臉湊近我的裸背,鼻息噴得我背癢癢的:「還沒找到意義嗎?」957Please respect copyright.PENANAe0GlKNqCKs
957Please respect copyright.PENANA6Liu11p90w
我轉身,沒回話,隨你把臉埋在我的胸脯間。你的潔白牙齒愛調戲我的黑色乳頭。957Please respect copyright.PENANABqoxif6X7I
957Please respect copyright.PENANAy9oQsLlauy
「為何偏要這麼辛苦?」你的臉向上游移,移到我的眼角,吻走我的苦淚。「何不乾脆接受我告訴你的答案?」957Please respect copyright.PENANA3v6vxeW6J1
957Please respect copyright.PENANApSwmetOZSu
「因為那是你的答案,不是我的。」我愛你,因而拒絕將自己變成你。957Please respect copyright.PENANA4nADJFy3Rq
957Please respect copyright.PENANARdl73Fx3Ag
你眼珠子一轉,神色又再變得鬼馬:「其實,答案一早存在於你心間。若不知道自己的答案,你何以會知道我的答案和你的答案不同?」你反問,想把我擊倒。957Please respect copyright.PENANA1xOonV1Ffu
957Please respect copyright.PENANASGnjrjds4V
「這是取巧。藉著否定你的答案來肯定我的答案。」我莞爾一笑,用指尖挑一挑他的耳珠:「若果你不在我的身邊,我豈不是沒能找到答案?」957Please respect copyright.PENANAzfbnbQehNQ
957Please respect copyright.PENANAZUpaz9YoEd
「我怎會不在你身邊?」你吻著我,讓我感受到自己的存在。「這些年,我一直在你身邊。」957Please respect copyright.PENANALxXPAXljVx
957Please respect copyright.PENANA3OipBkTxE4
十年。當身邊眾人以不同形式離棄我時,只有你仍在我身邊。我們攜手由熱血的學生,蛻變成繁華盛世的犧牲品。957Please respect copyright.PENANA9nURquqcWi
957Please respect copyright.PENANA2QGdYhzRF0
你唸誦《雙城記》的名句:「那是最好的時代,那是最壞的時代;那是智慧的時代,那是愚蠢的時代;那是信任的時代,那是懷疑的時代;那是光明的季節,那是黑暗的季節;那是希望之春,那是絕望之冬;我們應有盡有,我們一無所有;我們直奔天堂,我們直奔地獄…」957Please respect copyright.PENANAmxGKq11yfg
957Please respect copyright.PENANAEPWZIjG5DS
沒有我們的卑賤,就沒有他們的高貴。我們的卑賤成就他們的高貴。卑賤的我們比高貴的他們更高貴,高貴的他們比卑賤的我們更卑賤。957Please respect copyright.PENANA2zqYhPFoQJ
957Please respect copyright.PENANA2UrXst4cc1
你突然翻起被鋪,扶起我。牽我手,輕托我的背,和我踏起「慢三步」。漆黑的房間,反射白月光的人體。烏亮的煩惱絲,白晳的皮膚。深不見底的黑瞳,水潤亮麗的眼白。957Please respect copyright.PENANAmFg0YW62rf
957Please respect copyright.PENANAiXN28rCI8C
「藉著『你』,能體驗『我』的存在?」我依偎在你結實的胸膛。957Please respect copyright.PENANAy7i3R1ZJeR
957Please respect copyright.PENANARBmuXN4ANu
你沒開腔,默默地用心跳聲作答。957Please respect copyright.PENANA5KPEydpNUd
957Please respect copyright.PENANAfMstrdqUqo
世界歸於寧靜。不消一會,你已然入睡。我則呆望窗外銀月,思考你的說話。957Please respect copyright.PENANABS03DaqsrA
957Please respect copyright.PENANAIxWK3FyuES
難道,如你所言,我一直找不到「我」,是因為我沒試過藉由「你」去體驗「我」?如果「我」是確實存在的,那又何需要藉「你」的存在去體驗?除非你我本為一體,沒有你,就沒有我。957Please respect copyright.PENANAKnIe7T9Jed
957Please respect copyright.PENANAEz4N3eJuYA
對。如果當日沒有你,我已然不存在。957Please respect copyright.PENANATlXt1O3qWj
957Please respect copyright.PENANASWYcpMlUjb
想不懂,為何當日你不放棄我,就此逃去?在那種情況下,沒有人會怪責你。問誰都想和愛人共度每個月落日出,想和家人閒話家常,想和朋友嬉笑耍樂…人生的每個片段、每個感覺,全都構建在關係之上。這就是「藉由『你』去體驗『我』」的意思嗎?957Please respect copyright.PENANA8mEPLw92Al
957Please respect copyright.PENANAMHeXXfKCzw
月落日出。你要起床上班去。我為你備好梳洗用的毛巾和溫水、暖胃的白粥與飽肚的糕點。用餐後,你頂著燙貼的短髮,穿戴整齊,準備出門去。957Please respect copyright.PENANAnDAWVS2fJ9
957Please respect copyright.PENANAqxsvsSCatI
「你今天笑得很美。」臨行前,你突然回首笑問:「想通了甚麼?」957Please respect copyright.PENANAqadA1fbveJ
957Please respect copyright.PENANAys7Ac6WDB6
我頷首微笑。957Please respect copyright.PENANASab7fMrRwO
957Please respect copyright.PENANAU3NkxM7Riz
「要和我到街上走一轉嗎?」你豁然舒心。957Please respect copyright.PENANA58G9QEzIe0
957Please respect copyright.PENANApHbHPvu36N
「不怕嗎?」我擔心自己會為你招來話柄。957Please respect copyright.PENANAmtCFfongUQ
957Please respect copyright.PENANAqlg33jos0L
「誰會怕和自己上街?」你捕捉到我的思路。957Please respect copyright.PENANAV8t4oQJ7Hn
957Please respect copyright.PENANAnJ8vA5nf3F
我倆漫步大街上。晨光初耀,朝雪微溶。落在寒衣上的小雪花,有如新娘的嫁衣,純潔而動人。你嘴角微揚,懶理旁人的異樣目光,主動挽起我的手臂。輕輕一個舉動,完美填補我多年遺憾…957Please respect copyright.PENANATl3bcqZ3l8
957Please respect copyright.PENANApY1SwCSldI
我是個不能活在陽光底下的人。我是屬於暗黑的世界,只能在昏黃黯淡的舞池展現出最美豔的一面。絕美的花姑娘,永遠比不上你的新娘那樣美。957Please respect copyright.PENANAl2smp313OC
957Please respect copyright.PENANAZ48mI3wcWM
我渴望身披白色嫁衣,頭戴白色曳地長紗,戴著白手套,手捧紅玫花束。你架著黑色大禮服,配上白襯衫、黑領結、白手套,手捧黑色高帽。我倆挽著手,在兩位儐相和親朋好友的祝福下,完成莊嚴神聖的婚禮。957Please respect copyright.PENANAk58BWFqtsM
957Please respect copyright.PENANA7Jv3g3B3Mg
你的家人討厭我,說我永遠沒資格成為你的妻子。你二話不說,離開家人,和我私奔,共住租來的狹小房間。你成為某外資貿易行的文員,我在大舞廳找到工作。957Please respect copyright.PENANAL3brkkKkJw
957Please respect copyright.PENANAS8NVmvR04V
「找別的工作,不要在舞廳工作。」你介懷自己的女人和他人調情。957Please respect copyright.PENANAPnfx07J8s5
957Please respect copyright.PENANA5CxJS87Z2b
「頭傷以後,我的思緒極為紊亂,沒能勝任『正常』工作。我連倒夜香也幹不來呢!」我帶笑自揭瘡疤:「現在只懂說一些詩情畫意的話…」957Please respect copyright.PENANAdlB43060HD
957Please respect copyright.PENANAl4EMADq5X9
你眼泛淚光,不置可否。我的情況,你比誰都更清楚。957Please respect copyright.PENANAAzGhm0sNd0
957Please respect copyright.PENANAzedxgiwjBP
「不要緊啊!」我沒能改變現實,只好改變自己對現實的看法:「我和你之間,不也是由詩情畫意的救國夢開始嗎?還有比救國更詩情畫意的事情嗎?」957Please respect copyright.PENANAZJQfuAEe1y
957Please respect copyright.PENANAluGxcWllSn
「愛你才是最詩情畫意的事情!」你破涕為笑。957Please respect copyright.PENANABlTtVpGImo
957Please respect copyright.PENANANLIcRxBw3f
「詩情畫意」是「不著邊際」的雅稱。救國夢是熱血的詩詞,情愛是羅曼蒂克的畫作。掛在嘴邊,看在眼內,叫人著迷。實則不著邊際,沒有明確的套路和方法去達到完美境界。957Please respect copyright.PENANAEDdGdvqqgL
957Please respect copyright.PENANAROmG8IVbfT
讚頌家鄉河山的歌謠,照相館櫥窗裡的幸福婚照,一切都是那麼真實卻又遙遠。反而,你的面容才是世上最實在的。十年,你的娃娃臉稚氣不減。你仍是曾經的你,最愛我的你。957Please respect copyright.PENANAKUX5HEwZ3o
957Please respect copyright.PENANAfzP9RugzdW
「再過十年,當我年華老去,你仍會這樣愛我嗎?」我是最普通不過的小女人。害怕改變,害怕老去,害怕死去。957Please respect copyright.PENANAvDiREOrM5x
957Please respect copyright.PENANAGM3eoprYG4
「只要你需要我的愛,我就會一直愛你。」你肉麻得窩心。還是現在的你較可愛,會開玩笑,懂得呵哄我。在學時期的你是一頭蠻牛,脾氣暴躁,衝動魯莽。957Please respect copyright.PENANAm6rQNbjSR5
957Please respect copyright.PENANAHlEFlN9yp2
「你是何時開始變得如此口甜舌滑?」我打趣道。957Please respect copyright.PENANAYbNpy9IgsY
957Please respect copyright.PENANApUFQ9I4ILd
你低頭望我,目無表情,臉色慘白。你眨眼的瞬間,身後現出熊熊烈火。圍著你的乾柴枝冒出濃濃黑煙,你的皮肉被薰黑、燒溶,你的脂肪滲出誘人香氣,你的森森白骨純潔無瑕。957Please respect copyright.PENANADiZei8hKYW
957Please respect copyright.PENANArSD2ajQWLr
你的家人撿起你的骨灰,裝入小瓶內,離開。在旁偷窺的我這才敢步近,收集餘燼。雪白的你和炭黑的柴灰混和一起,再也分不清彼此。我妒忌那柴灰。957Please respect copyright.PENANAZcD872weBj
957Please respect copyright.PENANAdGWc6kAvNz
吞下。957Please respect copyright.PENANAENMgIOKscA
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我要消化它,我要留住你。白皚皚的你從此留在我漆黑的體內,天荒地老。957Please respect copyright.PENANAKyytLobVQT
957Please respect copyright.PENANAvKBiaAcIox
強烈的焦味自喉頭湧上腦袋。頭痛欲裂。我使力按著頭上的舊傷口,擋著將要破繭而出的殷紅。傷口裂了,溢出無力的血。濃稠黏漿,是愁人的感覺。你死抱著我,拼命將我拖向小巷。我的身體不聽喚,想跑,卻跑不動。我的意識不聽喚,想清醒,卻又模糊起來。957Please respect copyright.PENANAP24J9nk5IJ
957Please respect copyright.PENANASM6p4Lbmwu
我抬頭望你,你的腦袋同樣開了洞。赤血染紅你的眼,沿著你的臉頰往下流,滴入我雙眸。你沒有放開我,死命的拖著我,跑向小巷。957Please respect copyright.PENANA7ZkTHoTxRh
957Please respect copyright.PENANAj65obfT68y
雙雙倒下。面對面,你眼望我眼。我不知道,你是否真的在望著我,抑或只是單純地瞪大了眼。957Please respect copyright.PENANABP9iQ31b2a
957Please respect copyright.PENANAy84cvONT7P
我沒力氣合上眼皮。我猜,你也是。957Please respect copyright.PENANAjldBupM8Ck
957Please respect copyright.PENANAY3OGYbD09e
最後,我陷入一片帶紅的黑。957Please respect copyright.PENANAtUqRBlAuQF
957Please respect copyright.PENANASeXAyblv9J
當我恢復意識時,整個世界已然一片皚白。白布掛樑,白衣披身。唇色蒼白,臉色慘白。溪錢是蒼涼的白,燭淚是委屈的白。自此,你成了白的代名詞。957Please respect copyright.PENANAba8EGXYCS6
957Please respect copyright.PENANArnPxTMSQn8
在白茫茫的雪地上想起你,是最自然不過的事。擦身而過的每個路人都穿著白衣裳,長有你的臉。是你!是你!是你!漫天遍地均是你!美妙的時刻!我哈哈大笑起來,興奮地上前細看每個你。957Please respect copyright.PENANAdDFh9Ye4YV
957Please respect copyright.PENANAyzpG7wEKwr
有些驚慌尖叫,有些敏捷地跑開,有些厭惡地推開我,有些伸手在我的胸脯上打圈轉,有些直接拉我到小巷裡去。957Please respect copyright.PENANAdqH2gi2QId
957Please respect copyright.PENANALg5JND1tbZ
這條小巷,算是我們定情的地方吧。山盟海誓,以血為盟。血水融合了我和你、黑和白、陰和陽。你們的陽具不停在我的陰道抽插。血流成河。你們哈哈大笑,我也跟著哈哈大笑。957Please respect copyright.PENANAfToMmhSWvc
957Please respect copyright.PENANAAF0z7RB6gW
「喜歡雪?」957Please respect copyright.PENANAbDsCfwGau0
957Please respect copyright.PENANAs2x9cSFwgl
「喜歡白!」957Please respect copyright.PENANAXU72LdjZKn
957Please respect copyright.PENANAw4MFyYgXER
你們往我口裡塞滿雪和白,說是給我的禮物。957Please respect copyright.PENANARnr72HFJxs
957Please respect copyright.PENANAZo7dlN6CJr
我想向你們道謝,奈何開不了口。957Please respect copyright.PENANAlHMTiUiIVB
957Please respect copyright.PENANAFUUwRIQWVT
你們滿臉笑容地離開,剩下我躺在小巷裡。957Please respect copyright.PENANAiflrRxcg0x
957Please respect copyright.PENANAvs9wmZEFcL
我緩緩轉頭,望去你們離開的方向。我看不見你們,但我看見了你。你也倒在地上、我的身旁。面對面,你眼望我眼。957Please respect copyright.PENANApLfLVM0yIa
957Please respect copyright.PENANA4naj6Kw93Y
我今次知道,你真的在望著我。血流披面的你,在對我微笑。我亦報以一笑。957Please respect copyright.PENANAlgir2hfue2
957Please respect copyright.PENANADZl6agzi3n
「合上眼,就會找到答案。」957Please respect copyright.PENANApObGs6JnfU
957Please respect copyright.PENANA8cKM3P9805
我旋即陷入一片帶紅的黑。