「你是誰?」你問我,口腔滲出一陣濃烈酒氣。995Please respect copyright.PENANAPGMpLuqXKd
995Please respect copyright.PENANAadtXpCfOAW
「我是『我』。」酒過三巡,我迷糊地交出自以為最好的答案,不想在高深的你面前出洋相。995Please respect copyright.PENANA2ikIhxfITz
995Please respect copyright.PENANA3gp7fSZfXH
你竊笑,讚我很可愛,但也給我一個小建議:「你該答『我是花姑娘』。」995Please respect copyright.PENANALfQGKWwwJz
995Please respect copyright.PENANAUeKUZUWw9q
「我的答案有錯麼?」望著你象牙白的西裝,我鼓起兩腮,深深不忿。995Please respect copyright.PENANAcnRlJDYNP9
995Please respect copyright.PENANAPa5A8JmZqL
「沒有錯。不過沒意義。」你輕托我的下巴,就像要小貓咪抬頭那樣肆意。995Please respect copyright.PENANAyZYp023NOb
995Please respect copyright.PENANA0fM0vyCGGn
「若果,『我是我』是一件沒意義的事,難道『我是花姑娘』會更有意義?」我不解,頭痛欲裂,不得不放下酒杯。後仰在黑皮椅背,瞇眼捕捉閃爍迷人的水晶燈光,細思何謂意義。995Please respect copyright.PENANAyIUnvjAJs2
995Please respect copyright.PENANAYznt4XJDeM
「當然!做『花姑娘』能賺取收入。有收入,才能養活自己。養活自己,才能繼續思考做『我』是否真的沒意義。當『我』沒收入、活不了,那做『我』的意義,不也不存在了嗎?」說得興起,你竟變成小孩子,嬉皮笑臉,失儀地跪在地上,一頭埋在我的大腿間,在黑底碎花的絲質祺袍上磨蹭,嘟嚷著:「先讓我稍息一會。今晚才告訴你,做『花姑娘』的意義!」995Please respect copyright.PENANAVtsRUIy9ky
995Please respect copyright.PENANAmcU7zKX3DF
「好。我等你。」我低頭微笑,笑你伶牙俐齒。你的牙齒白得發亮,很好看。995Please respect copyright.PENANAODJlrd7Ug8
995Please respect copyright.PENANAWLYkVfrA5Z
我和你赤條條地在床上水乳交融。二元,一體,互化。995Please respect copyright.PENANAOF6HiJPQiW
995Please respect copyright.PENANAqTVtA9yGzV
將我壓在胯下,你在我耳邊輕輕吹氣:「領略到意義沒?」995Please respect copyright.PENANAXc4OMTQMYu
995Please respect copyright.PENANAIX68bH0lrE
分不清你是有心或無意,發問的同時,你竟對我施力,讓我嬌喘得吐不出話來。995Please respect copyright.PENANA2VNF39reEB
995Please respect copyright.PENANANyYeRnXKZj
「那就繼續想想吧!」你是塗滿毒藥裡的蜜餞,給我歡愉,給我傷害。995Please respect copyright.PENANAFmVcybpC1q
995Please respect copyright.PENANAiGSEamYln6
我不明白自己何以會對你如此著迷,正如我不明白自己何以會對「我」產生執迷。995Please respect copyright.PENANAoZzLyhHl1L
995Please respect copyright.PENANAk1HBoQ5qP7
這種執迷,萌芽於青澀的年華。曾經,救國救民是生存的唯一意義,也是我和你之間的唯一話題。995Please respect copyright.PENANAqVXllLUucX
995Please respect copyright.PENANA5TH939P9gZ
那一天,報章上的戰爭消息刺激了你。你氣得咬牙切齒,喊打喊殺,發誓要打倒入侵者的國,殺他們片甲不留。我欣賞你的志氣,但我不識趣地補充一句:「當然要把他們打走、要他們道歉和賠償,卻絕不能對他們生起趕盡殺絕之意!」995Please respect copyright.PENANA7qOZlGSCfF
995Please respect copyright.PENANAmzWETUwTUg
火燒心,懷著剎那的衝動,你摑了我一記耳光,咆哮大叫:「難道你要等他們再殺回來?」話語間,恐懼多於仇恨,情感多於理智。995Please respect copyright.PENANAs3DgzX2d6s
995Please respect copyright.PENANAef0sfT1Qdx
「哪會殺得盡?你看!他們不也是想將我國滅掉,我倆不也是好好的站在這裡,商討如何反擊!同樣,我國亦沒能將他們根除。結果就是他們會好好的站在那邊,商討如何反擊我國!」我掩著滾燙的臉蛋,強抑眼淚:「我們想到的,他們也會想到。」995Please respect copyright.PENANAfeszQOmaBl
995Please respect copyright.PENANAkVu3fGjN6r
「不要將我們和他們混為一談!」你的語氣略為收斂,眼神沒有剛才的兇狠,負面情緒盡洩在報紙之上:「也不要將我和你混為一談。」995Please respect copyright.PENANA9dy2h5JfZJ
995Please respect copyright.PENANAKP7rlSVFT2
報紙碎成漫天飛花,就像旗袍上的碎花那樣淒楚。995Please respect copyright.PENANAlygDf6olUV
995Please respect copyright.PENANAN6OYAU4Jit
完事後,你躺在床上,閉目養神。我也沒有睡,側著身子,背對著你,面對著旗袍上的碎花圖案。995Please respect copyright.PENANA55LZtM2KQA
995Please respect copyright.PENANA5H6SgzUI31
我的旗袍是溫柔謐靜的黑,上邊有細細碎碎、白裡透紅的桃花圖案。那點微弱的紅,像憤怒的眼,又像無力的血。995Please respect copyright.PENANAGiKLx4pT2Y
995Please respect copyright.PENANAb1uAAFeTFe
那一朝早,天還沒有亮得透,泛著教人倒胃口的魚肚白色。我被急促的敲門聲吵醒了,匆匆忙忙整理衣衫,應門去。門後是焦急如焚的你。你說大馬路那邊出亂子,需要大家聲援。995Please respect copyright.PENANA3FemYpb4om
995Please respect copyright.PENANAedjp9h818V
我擦著惺忪睡眼,迷迷糊糊跟你去。路上,遇到不同院校的學生,大家同樣神色凝重,快步急步疾步,步向遊行大隊,加入其中。差不多的髮型,近乎一式一樣的衣著,同樣的年輕熱血,再也分不出我你他。995Please respect copyright.PENANAuptPqgFimV
995Please respect copyright.PENANA6CDNAq3M9M
同喊口號,同舉旗幟,來到大馬路。995Please respect copyright.PENANAczUAPiEj51
995Please respect copyright.PENANA5QGEAo1Vmw
我隊當中,不知是誰,用激昂的聲調,喊出沙啞不清的一句說話。我聽不到那人在喊甚麼,相信附近的人也聽不見。但在氛圍的感染下,我隊中人紛紛叫好。氣氛越炒越烈,在場眾人相繼紅了眼。995Please respect copyright.PENANA5qK4hO2e5i
995Please respect copyright.PENANAgBYSnPEiwO
你額角青筋暴現,眼睛滿佈血絲,仇視著我隊以外的所有人。你只看到張張醜惡的臉,卻對多支火槍視而不見。995Please respect copyright.PENANA2ut2orOYjE
995Please respect copyright.PENANAieo4FtJUsE
槍聲四起,我隊陣營被打散,你我齊齊奔向小巷。百多步的距離,成了一輩子的夢魘。混亂間,我被硬物擊傷頭部,血流成河。995Please respect copyright.PENANA2CmznGF2P1
995Please respect copyright.PENANAwejppMT4CG
你死抱著我,拼命將我拖離混世。隨著血水流失,我的身體變得不聽喚。想跑,卻跑不動。995Please respect copyright.PENANAsbcPN0iLoP
995Please respect copyright.PENANAiRT8CDqYGY
我首次體驗到意識和身體的分離。995Please respect copyright.PENANA58dsmVLTrP
995Please respect copyright.PENANAaMuIil3PgK
分離以後,我的意識是「我」嗎?我的身體是「我」嗎?只有完整的我,才是「我」?如果我缺了手或缺了腳,我是「我」嗎?如果我的心意改變了,我是「我」嗎?變了調的我,是「我」嗎?若然,曾經的我是「我」嗎?現在的我也是「我」嗎?995Please respect copyright.PENANALpSyGjSYuh
995Please respect copyright.PENANATs1EH9UUSV
意識中的連串問題,隨著身體的無力而陷入一片帶紅的黑。995Please respect copyright.PENANAz0Gf2TpDpw
995Please respect copyright.PENANA0mLAZl7a3a
「在想甚麼?」你的臉湊近我的裸背,鼻息噴得我背癢癢的:「還沒找到意義嗎?」995Please respect copyright.PENANA16Orb9eNKq
995Please respect copyright.PENANAmJO8adkYjG
我轉身,沒回話,隨你把臉埋在我的胸脯間。你的潔白牙齒愛調戲我的黑色乳頭。995Please respect copyright.PENANArDNBDObOub
995Please respect copyright.PENANAX0Z9qR0hxE
「為何偏要這麼辛苦?」你的臉向上游移,移到我的眼角,吻走我的苦淚。「何不乾脆接受我告訴你的答案?」995Please respect copyright.PENANAAuG3TR7Vhb
995Please respect copyright.PENANADDEIDBLmr0
「因為那是你的答案,不是我的。」我愛你,因而拒絕將自己變成你。995Please respect copyright.PENANANxnVApri4t
995Please respect copyright.PENANARF6zo09diD
你眼珠子一轉,神色又再變得鬼馬:「其實,答案一早存在於你心間。若不知道自己的答案,你何以會知道我的答案和你的答案不同?」你反問,想把我擊倒。995Please respect copyright.PENANAP1Knh83e1h
995Please respect copyright.PENANAC7xG2zRFwS
「這是取巧。藉著否定你的答案來肯定我的答案。」我莞爾一笑,用指尖挑一挑他的耳珠:「若果你不在我的身邊,我豈不是沒能找到答案?」995Please respect copyright.PENANAzjWYdMErAV
995Please respect copyright.PENANAaJGsPOdXPb
「我怎會不在你身邊?」你吻著我,讓我感受到自己的存在。「這些年,我一直在你身邊。」995Please respect copyright.PENANArAhoeBPgls
995Please respect copyright.PENANABYbqKl9wLd
十年。當身邊眾人以不同形式離棄我時,只有你仍在我身邊。我們攜手由熱血的學生,蛻變成繁華盛世的犧牲品。995Please respect copyright.PENANAjJMD5LHOtj
995Please respect copyright.PENANATqJNPUeCjS
你唸誦《雙城記》的名句:「那是最好的時代,那是最壞的時代;那是智慧的時代,那是愚蠢的時代;那是信任的時代,那是懷疑的時代;那是光明的季節,那是黑暗的季節;那是希望之春,那是絕望之冬;我們應有盡有,我們一無所有;我們直奔天堂,我們直奔地獄…」995Please respect copyright.PENANA4QzaqlJJOE
995Please respect copyright.PENANAqAp3nuenQM
沒有我們的卑賤,就沒有他們的高貴。我們的卑賤成就他們的高貴。卑賤的我們比高貴的他們更高貴,高貴的他們比卑賤的我們更卑賤。995Please respect copyright.PENANAo7kTq28uKg
995Please respect copyright.PENANA7x5UdUo5R6
你突然翻起被鋪,扶起我。牽我手,輕托我的背,和我踏起「慢三步」。漆黑的房間,反射白月光的人體。烏亮的煩惱絲,白晳的皮膚。深不見底的黑瞳,水潤亮麗的眼白。995Please respect copyright.PENANA9okMSJJ19f
995Please respect copyright.PENANAv4faqm3oHr
「藉著『你』,能體驗『我』的存在?」我依偎在你結實的胸膛。995Please respect copyright.PENANAMrfQ3tLSsr
995Please respect copyright.PENANAU23TTfCfnR
你沒開腔,默默地用心跳聲作答。995Please respect copyright.PENANA5Lw4jVy21j
995Please respect copyright.PENANAqYLNOI5QkN
世界歸於寧靜。不消一會,你已然入睡。我則呆望窗外銀月,思考你的說話。995Please respect copyright.PENANAxTCA4iDwXj
995Please respect copyright.PENANAxT9januWk6
難道,如你所言,我一直找不到「我」,是因為我沒試過藉由「你」去體驗「我」?如果「我」是確實存在的,那又何需要藉「你」的存在去體驗?除非你我本為一體,沒有你,就沒有我。995Please respect copyright.PENANATNFqQJZxzg
995Please respect copyright.PENANAw7RVn9s1M7
對。如果當日沒有你,我已然不存在。995Please respect copyright.PENANAQFeJoFR6MZ
995Please respect copyright.PENANAT9sWWGKBPr
想不懂,為何當日你不放棄我,就此逃去?在那種情況下,沒有人會怪責你。問誰都想和愛人共度每個月落日出,想和家人閒話家常,想和朋友嬉笑耍樂…人生的每個片段、每個感覺,全都構建在關係之上。這就是「藉由『你』去體驗『我』」的意思嗎?995Please respect copyright.PENANA8BJQIa40Tu
995Please respect copyright.PENANA6PhxiyPzz8
月落日出。你要起床上班去。我為你備好梳洗用的毛巾和溫水、暖胃的白粥與飽肚的糕點。用餐後,你頂著燙貼的短髮,穿戴整齊,準備出門去。995Please respect copyright.PENANAHS8UDLCoEk
995Please respect copyright.PENANAfsG5rZhWOg
「你今天笑得很美。」臨行前,你突然回首笑問:「想通了甚麼?」995Please respect copyright.PENANAI0hgaYGenb
995Please respect copyright.PENANA6QtvbBmqiD
我頷首微笑。995Please respect copyright.PENANA0NRNbDVBcP
995Please respect copyright.PENANA0cUNQ0WFIY
「要和我到街上走一轉嗎?」你豁然舒心。995Please respect copyright.PENANAEVbDy51lGH
995Please respect copyright.PENANA2tv5cUezoY
「不怕嗎?」我擔心自己會為你招來話柄。995Please respect copyright.PENANAm5RNY4hgFO
995Please respect copyright.PENANAXwAyAqF5jG
「誰會怕和自己上街?」你捕捉到我的思路。995Please respect copyright.PENANAYW487EaVzi
995Please respect copyright.PENANADvZY7Yykf1
我倆漫步大街上。晨光初耀,朝雪微溶。落在寒衣上的小雪花,有如新娘的嫁衣,純潔而動人。你嘴角微揚,懶理旁人的異樣目光,主動挽起我的手臂。輕輕一個舉動,完美填補我多年遺憾…995Please respect copyright.PENANA1KRSRVWeaf
995Please respect copyright.PENANAF7WmtdCU0x
我是個不能活在陽光底下的人。我是屬於暗黑的世界,只能在昏黃黯淡的舞池展現出最美豔的一面。絕美的花姑娘,永遠比不上你的新娘那樣美。995Please respect copyright.PENANAhkLIjhSnu6
995Please respect copyright.PENANAZGk4hCKm7l
我渴望身披白色嫁衣,頭戴白色曳地長紗,戴著白手套,手捧紅玫花束。你架著黑色大禮服,配上白襯衫、黑領結、白手套,手捧黑色高帽。我倆挽著手,在兩位儐相和親朋好友的祝福下,完成莊嚴神聖的婚禮。995Please respect copyright.PENANAUOhKb1FBkt
995Please respect copyright.PENANAVwyncNsjg9
你的家人討厭我,說我永遠沒資格成為你的妻子。你二話不說,離開家人,和我私奔,共住租來的狹小房間。你成為某外資貿易行的文員,我在大舞廳找到工作。995Please respect copyright.PENANADn4xz4MFls
995Please respect copyright.PENANAYI8HRL84LS
「找別的工作,不要在舞廳工作。」你介懷自己的女人和他人調情。995Please respect copyright.PENANA1elCWA9Zxu
995Please respect copyright.PENANAPcebCe3b0b
「頭傷以後,我的思緒極為紊亂,沒能勝任『正常』工作。我連倒夜香也幹不來呢!」我帶笑自揭瘡疤:「現在只懂說一些詩情畫意的話…」995Please respect copyright.PENANAihtj1MKS6k
995Please respect copyright.PENANAKPbVJixAl8
你眼泛淚光,不置可否。我的情況,你比誰都更清楚。995Please respect copyright.PENANArNvhS8wVAc
995Please respect copyright.PENANA5gN9cWdhN1
「不要緊啊!」我沒能改變現實,只好改變自己對現實的看法:「我和你之間,不也是由詩情畫意的救國夢開始嗎?還有比救國更詩情畫意的事情嗎?」995Please respect copyright.PENANAJUAVwIj8Im
995Please respect copyright.PENANAqpCoF0dJPp
「愛你才是最詩情畫意的事情!」你破涕為笑。995Please respect copyright.PENANAmh2LG2LH9X
995Please respect copyright.PENANApsUHc28x3o
「詩情畫意」是「不著邊際」的雅稱。救國夢是熱血的詩詞,情愛是羅曼蒂克的畫作。掛在嘴邊,看在眼內,叫人著迷。實則不著邊際,沒有明確的套路和方法去達到完美境界。995Please respect copyright.PENANAx7rqb9bAoq
995Please respect copyright.PENANAcTfWTfksbA
讚頌家鄉河山的歌謠,照相館櫥窗裡的幸福婚照,一切都是那麼真實卻又遙遠。反而,你的面容才是世上最實在的。十年,你的娃娃臉稚氣不減。你仍是曾經的你,最愛我的你。995Please respect copyright.PENANAuEHBATpkSo
995Please respect copyright.PENANAJxIgyfG3Uh
「再過十年,當我年華老去,你仍會這樣愛我嗎?」我是最普通不過的小女人。害怕改變,害怕老去,害怕死去。995Please respect copyright.PENANAEmD3mDjkUU
995Please respect copyright.PENANA6wbyALCdZH
「只要你需要我的愛,我就會一直愛你。」你肉麻得窩心。還是現在的你較可愛,會開玩笑,懂得呵哄我。在學時期的你是一頭蠻牛,脾氣暴躁,衝動魯莽。995Please respect copyright.PENANAaUUgrcGEAX
995Please respect copyright.PENANA3O9vwmjpOU
「你是何時開始變得如此口甜舌滑?」我打趣道。995Please respect copyright.PENANAHHH347WqMJ
995Please respect copyright.PENANAcmYgrheQlc
你低頭望我,目無表情,臉色慘白。你眨眼的瞬間,身後現出熊熊烈火。圍著你的乾柴枝冒出濃濃黑煙,你的皮肉被薰黑、燒溶,你的脂肪滲出誘人香氣,你的森森白骨純潔無瑕。995Please respect copyright.PENANAiC37Eoy88r
995Please respect copyright.PENANAM0qAqEqDM1
你的家人撿起你的骨灰,裝入小瓶內,離開。在旁偷窺的我這才敢步近,收集餘燼。雪白的你和炭黑的柴灰混和一起,再也分不清彼此。我妒忌那柴灰。995Please respect copyright.PENANAJ4Dtq6Dir3
995Please respect copyright.PENANA93ZMHbqXaK
吞下。995Please respect copyright.PENANAZ4CV2iSdaA
995Please respect copyright.PENANA0M1MOYgUxR
我要消化它,我要留住你。白皚皚的你從此留在我漆黑的體內,天荒地老。995Please respect copyright.PENANAm5Yt4Aknre
995Please respect copyright.PENANAWG4ciwfD1N
強烈的焦味自喉頭湧上腦袋。頭痛欲裂。我使力按著頭上的舊傷口,擋著將要破繭而出的殷紅。傷口裂了,溢出無力的血。濃稠黏漿,是愁人的感覺。你死抱著我,拼命將我拖向小巷。我的身體不聽喚,想跑,卻跑不動。我的意識不聽喚,想清醒,卻又模糊起來。995Please respect copyright.PENANApw5UDKJkNy
995Please respect copyright.PENANAPliSk8mH6h
我抬頭望你,你的腦袋同樣開了洞。赤血染紅你的眼,沿著你的臉頰往下流,滴入我雙眸。你沒有放開我,死命的拖著我,跑向小巷。995Please respect copyright.PENANAxC6NLmEmTJ
995Please respect copyright.PENANAawD92f5WSe
雙雙倒下。面對面,你眼望我眼。我不知道,你是否真的在望著我,抑或只是單純地瞪大了眼。995Please respect copyright.PENANAjNN2WSf9j6
995Please respect copyright.PENANAO8nkZuTdUs
我沒力氣合上眼皮。我猜,你也是。995Please respect copyright.PENANAEW804MtFfE
995Please respect copyright.PENANAPx2RmY8sov
最後,我陷入一片帶紅的黑。995Please respect copyright.PENANAg90l9Z75vM
995Please respect copyright.PENANAgmsD1slXFw
當我恢復意識時,整個世界已然一片皚白。白布掛樑,白衣披身。唇色蒼白,臉色慘白。溪錢是蒼涼的白,燭淚是委屈的白。自此,你成了白的代名詞。995Please respect copyright.PENANAESIvaKPjDg
995Please respect copyright.PENANA7mTPdFYd8H
在白茫茫的雪地上想起你,是最自然不過的事。擦身而過的每個路人都穿著白衣裳,長有你的臉。是你!是你!是你!漫天遍地均是你!美妙的時刻!我哈哈大笑起來,興奮地上前細看每個你。995Please respect copyright.PENANACYIcIxA6fL
995Please respect copyright.PENANA1Osfl13L3G
有些驚慌尖叫,有些敏捷地跑開,有些厭惡地推開我,有些伸手在我的胸脯上打圈轉,有些直接拉我到小巷裡去。995Please respect copyright.PENANABi2hfMbQDl
995Please respect copyright.PENANAChHs0Bdl9y
這條小巷,算是我們定情的地方吧。山盟海誓,以血為盟。血水融合了我和你、黑和白、陰和陽。你們的陽具不停在我的陰道抽插。血流成河。你們哈哈大笑,我也跟著哈哈大笑。995Please respect copyright.PENANAgTgmWp6C0s
995Please respect copyright.PENANAIFLeRKPw04
「喜歡雪?」995Please respect copyright.PENANAmGYZ7plp31
995Please respect copyright.PENANAkT3ijuPjLx
「喜歡白!」995Please respect copyright.PENANAkfu1yAgFhe
995Please respect copyright.PENANAtgabJ0fZKh
你們往我口裡塞滿雪和白,說是給我的禮物。995Please respect copyright.PENANAhjBhB0Gyy8
995Please respect copyright.PENANAV3cEQRr1Yk
我想向你們道謝,奈何開不了口。995Please respect copyright.PENANA1GH6uQoKqu
995Please respect copyright.PENANAEr0WURVTtz
你們滿臉笑容地離開,剩下我躺在小巷裡。995Please respect copyright.PENANAAleVdAAW4N
995Please respect copyright.PENANAeppYZX73Rx
我緩緩轉頭,望去你們離開的方向。我看不見你們,但我看見了你。你也倒在地上、我的身旁。面對面,你眼望我眼。995Please respect copyright.PENANAddzrJ67K6w
995Please respect copyright.PENANAPJokEpiKK8
我今次知道,你真的在望著我。血流披面的你,在對我微笑。我亦報以一笑。995Please respect copyright.PENANAPnNy8LxuGo
995Please respect copyright.PENANA6gofEXMi6k
「合上眼,就會找到答案。」995Please respect copyright.PENANA6yEd8ltjzf
995Please respect copyright.PENANATNr5wOewBW
我旋即陷入一片帶紅的黑。