Nightmares. My dreams are filled with blood, a flurry of blackbirds scattering everywhere, screaming, black feathers that choke me as I breathe, and then my own blood...One night I scream so loudly, Popplar retrieves my grandmother. He is worried about me; I have not been able to sleep soundly for a week.
I think of what Kimberly would tell me. I am too scared to pray, not sure what to pray for [I am still new at it]; but Vegas prays with me, and Popplar joins us often to pray. I can hear Popplar praying outside my tent where he sleeps often; he has such beautiful and unselfish prayers, praying for everyone but himself. I always say an extra prayer for him.
Often, I find solace outside of my tent. Maybe because Vegas refuses to sleep in my tent; but we sit out under the stars and talk about everything we can think to put my mind to rest, and he holds me until I fall asleep to the thick beat of his heart in my ear.
When my grandmother comes to my tent, I tell her my dreams. Always the same.
She is nonchalant when she answers, "You dream of your people."
"My people?"
"Yes, the warring within our own people, your blood and mine, is tearing us apart. We have always been a flock, strong as a flock of crows, supporting and caring for one another; but now, we fly in all directions, betraying and killing one another."
I remain silent for a moment, staring at my rumpled bedding. "What do I do?" I ask desperately.
She shakes her head. "My daughter, I cannot tell you. You are a leader. This is your journey. You must decide."
"You were once our queen." I snap, but she overlooks my disrespect, thankfully.
"Jenna, your path is not my path. If I were to tell you what to do, you would never learn. I can only advise you, but you must give me a plan to work with...to steer you. That is the only way that you will learn. I cannot advise you forever; you are beyond that level now. You must step out into your reign and make mistakes, if need-be. That is the only way great rulers are made. In time, you will know what to do, but for now, I have made you chamomile tea."
"Grandmother, do you love me?" I asked, taking the cup of tea.
She frowns above the smoke emanating from her cup. "As if I had birthed you myself, Jenna."
"Then what do I do? Please, help me."
She sighs and nods. "Jenna, time will reveal what is the right decision, but for now, I will tell you that your destiny does not lie with the Queens before you. My dear, you will bring change for our people, and by far, your reign will be harder, more treacherous, lonelier than any other Queen that has gone before you."
"Why? Why me? I am barely the Queen you or my mother is."
"Jenna, can I tell you a secret?"
I nod, and she leans in closer. "You are STRONGER than any Queen that has gone beofore you because you see a life beyond what we know...a life beyond bloodshed, beyond tradition, a life perhaps...where we can love and live without fear. The king is not the only thing that holds up back. "
Navigator wakes me up, and I am kind of angry with him because I am finally sleeping peacefully; but his caws are urgent. I slip on my jeans and jacket over my "long-johns" and step outside.
"What is it, Avi?" I whisper, almost tripping over the sleeping figure outside my tent. "Sorry, Poppl- Vegas?!"
"Yes, Popplar asked me to take his duty for a bit. He wanted to take a walk."
I feel guilty, keeping Popplar up and stressing him so much.
"Do you need anything?"
"No, Avi just alerted me."
"Yeah, I noticed the birds seem particularly vocal tonight."
I notice the caws as my mind finally fully awakens from its much needed rest, and I race to Ripple. Vegas races to keep up with me.
"What's wrong?"
"Something is wrong. Something is very wrong. I am going back to my territory."
"I'm coming with you."
"I need you to go get Popplar!" I order, mounting Ripple.
"Already here," Popplar replies, riding up beside me. "The cawing just started about thirty minutes ago. I thought maybe it was a migration thing; you know the migrating birds always cause ruckus, but it has not stopped. Then Sundance came to find me, and I was just coming back to you. What do you think is happening?"
"I am not sure, but tell Wren to gather our people, warn the Fiyori, and keep watch. I have a feeling it is not good."
I send Ripple on at a trot and then at a gallop; Vegas rides beside me stride for stride as we enter my territory. It has degraded even more, but when I take a deep breath of the familiar air, it warms my insides.
When we reach my mother's village, I am surprised by what meets me. It is ravaged. Bloodsoaked. Black feathers everywhere. Confused caws echoing around. My nightmares come to life. In the middle of it all is my mother with her silken green robes ripped off her shoulders and blood dripping down the brown skin on her back. She stands morosely with her arms crossed over her waist. I cannot see her face. I jump down and run to her.
"Mother, what happened?"
When she turns to me, I see tears. My mother. Crying. My grandmother went to war before she even knew she was with child. My grandmother caused our last civil war when a rogue group of young warriors tried to take her throne; she destroyed each and every one of them, reminding anyone who doubted of her ruthlessness. One of them had been her own nephew, the son of her brother. In the midst of it all, she was stricken with an arrow tainted with foxglove. The effects almost took her life, sending her into early labor. My mother was born healthy, amazingly, but the elders rumor that when she was born, she did not utter a cry. The midwives thought she was stillborn, she was so quiet and cold, until she took her first breath. They say that she was born with an immunity to foxglove and that it had stolen her heart, her emotions, making her cold. No one had ever seen her cry, not even when she was building immunity to our poisonous plants; she is the only person able to build a partial immunity to some of the most toxic plants, like Oleander, hemlock, and belladonna, along with the full immunity to the common plants most of us have built, like poison ivy and hydrangea. Never did she cry.
"Mama?"
"Jenna, they took her...Genevieve, my sister."
"Who?"
"The traitors, led by Herald and Debra. I could not save her. First, Kimberly, now her mother. They took many other captives too."
I frantically fix my mother's clothes and pick up her spear for her. "Mother, I will find her. I will get her back."
She does not reply, but she takes her spear. Popplar finally joins us.
"Popplar, take my mother back to the Fiyori clearing."
He nods.
"Jenna..." she finally breathes. "Who...will go with you...how will you..." She looks at Vegas and nods. "Be careful, my daughter."
"Nothing will stop me."
Popplar puts his arm over my mother's shoulders and glances at me. "Be safe, please. I will be praying hard for your safe return."
I nod. "I will. Look after our people."
"Vegas, protect her."
"I will, Popplar. I promise."
River follows in their footsteps, and I am glad the logotto dog is still alive. She will bring my mother more comfort that any one else.
"River, be her little angel," I murmur.
When my mother disappears with Popplar, I go into what remains of our tattered hut. I am barely aware of Vegas beside me as I shove through the drawers in my room to find my newly sharpened spears. When I have five stacked by the door, I find my neoprene suit that we use when hunting in the marsh; it is black accented with purple. I go to the bathroom and change, staring at myself in the mirror. I slip on my black neoprene shoes that have webbed toes and make my feet look like frog feet. I stand to stretch the material and let my toes slide into the right places. I slip on my gloves and collect my spears as well as my belt, adding containers of preserved plant saps and juices to tip my spears. Finally, I join Vegas.
"You...beautiful."
He catches himself tracing my figure in the tight-fitting neoprene suit and quickly turns away.
"I'm sorry..." he mutters, truly ashamed.
"You are a man, and you are my boyfriend, so what is there to be ashamed about?"
"Even so, Jenna, I want to always remain proper and a gentleman. I want to always treat you like a lady because that's what you mean to me, and that's what you deserve." He takes my hands. "I love you so much."
I pull him into a kiss. We head to my mother's room, where she keeps her oleander; it was once only permitted to be carried by the most elite warriors that would grow and harvest it before battle. She outlawed it to anyone else except the head warriors after Richard's death. Anyone caught illegally growing it would be punished. It is only grown in wartimes and kept in a box, which I add to my belt. My mother showed it to me just a little while ago when I had come to pick up the second group and escort them to the Fariylands.
"Oleander?" Vegas questions. "Are you going to be killing?"
"Only if I have to."
"I hope you do not have to."
"I hope I don't have to, either."
As I stand up, I notice a little square scrap of paper netted entrapped in spider webs and dust. I grab it and blow it off. A picture of my mother, Richard, and my little brother.
"Who is that?"
"The only man that has ever held my mother's heart. He was a good man." I tuck the picture in my pocket and interlace our fingers, "Let's go."
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