Like every morning after the shared breakfast, we have to attend the sitting circle. It's routine, so I don't really mind. Still, I feel nothing afterwards.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡROPdj1kRMr
We sit in a circle, in the same robes as always, on the same cushions, with the same faces.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4V3M5fESiB
Sister Agnes begins, as always, with the same sentence. She probably dreams it by now:78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIv8lQAjPdd
"The light within us may shine again today." And she strikes the same tone on the singing bowl.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOb0m1ptnuY
Some frequency that's supposed to open the heart chakra, or so we've been told.
I nod, smile, like everyone else. My smile is genuine this time. Not because Sister Agnes is especially stirring, but because I remember how you used to imitate her when no one was looking. How you once said that with all that overly colorful makeup on her wrinkled skin, she looked like a clown.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgNEtZsiuUk
Her line about the light within us echoes briefly in my mind. Not because of its meaning, but because I wonder how many times I've heard it. I don't know. But I think it's a thousand times too many.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfyY4mQOA0S
I don't know what's growing inside me, but it's not light. My heart remains closed, despite the frequency.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCCG4tNFSJ8
Sometimes I sit there and observe my hands while Sister Agnes preaches.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPkBM6gHnKh
I look at the curved blue veins, the white knuckles, the slight tremble in my left index finger.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1khCOBgebe
I think of you, Sybelle. Then of your delicate hands. Of your laugh when you exaggerated again, just to give me courage.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnX8mAHqBZh
Now it's quiet. Since you've been gone, it's quiet.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvKiJSCJfwd
Not on the outside. Out there, our community hums like always, like a beehive on too much caffeine and false confidence. But inside me, it's gone quiet.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2MTeqqXPXt
And not in the good way.
After the sitting circle comes what they call "Free Space." I call it mandatory leisure. A time when we're supposed to "cultivate our inner light."78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkWUF42bjn2
There's a list of suggestions that never changes. Gardening. Mindful walking. Reading texts by Felix.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoS18nL3BUx
I usually pick walking on nice days, because then I can think whatever I want without anyone noticing.
The path leads past the trailers, with signs that say:78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT1BLSAjM2J
78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO2jjaRJkEV
"Everything is growth"78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoOJpR18bfy
"Anger is the teacher of impatience"78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqaS5PY04DG
I used to try to understand those lines. And for a while, I thought I did. Now I try to tune them out. To me, they sound like a TV on static in the background.
Some in the community scatter flower petals on the path we walk, barefoot, heads bowed.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBaRUsRoR45
Our leader, Felix Hartmann, orders fresh flowers every day, their blossoms are scattered on the ground we walk on, to "celebrate life."78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCFZSnXtPi8
The flowers we scatter once had roots. Bees danced over them. The wind whispered around them. Now they lie still, decoratively dismantled, on a path that's meant to celebrate life.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXu6ZJEVa7q
I wonder what part of that is alive.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUQwM8oT3QD
Like cutting open a vein to celebrate the blood.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNEj6QKVc5a
It's so pointless. But my brothers and sisters seem happy, and maybe that's the point.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx5iUxmSdmY
There is no other point in this community.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNDl33mAtXF
I know their names and greet them like always.
Today I stop in front of the pond. A small, lifeless place. Too still.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQnKd2HxsNQ
The water reflects my face, but not my feeling.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa3L0DmfNjQ
I look like a good son, a loyal member of the community, an honorable man.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuzIG8HGo0r
Whatever that's supposed to mean.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMCLPGTwoa5
I thought, if you hold yourself together long enough, you start to believe that's character.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5XkhtxJAAW
I don't believe that anymore.
Sister Agnes wishes me a "radiant day" as she walks by.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Q3NkrC9sq
I smile. Even suppress a laugh when I see her. The preaching clown in a robe.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkB48Yee769
And at the same time, I wonder what a radiant day is supposed to feel like when the light is missing on the inside.
I decide to go to the car workshop. My workplace.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfwpEaDtE7n
Brother Karl took me on as an apprentice a few years ago, and I just stayed there, fixing cars. He's glad for the help. Not because I especially like cars. But because in the workshop, silence is allowed without being interpreted as something spiritual.
In the workshop, I can just... be. Covered in oil, silent, with dirty hands.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFJ4De3uwil
I don't have to interpret anything as "inner imbalance." It's just dirt.
Karl runs the workshop. He doesn't talk much, which I like.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJUBoPrXakB
When he speaks, it's as if every word has to pass through his own personal filter made of steel wool.
Today he shows me how to change a drive belt on one of the old community vans.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡObzln7FrQ4
I listen, but I'm also thinking of you, Sybelle.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBCNnKQpdFQ
You would have mimicked him. His slow, deliberate tone. The way he taps the wrench with his fingers like it's his personal meditation instrument.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSTrHlZOFG3
I have to be careful not to laugh out loud.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKKQoNUWpwf
I miss you.
"All good with you?" he asks, without looking at me.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRRn9OGCo5X
I nod. He says nothing more. Silently, I thank him for that.
The workshop smells of metal and engine oil, sometimes in summer also faintly of sweat. The scent is old, heavy, honest.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGIQodylksn
Not like artificial candles and cheap incense sticks in the community huts, which smell of lavender and repression.
I like working with my hands. Taking something apart. Cleaning it. Putting it back together. That makes sense. You can see when something is broken.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgFum9n4M0l
And sometimes, you can fix it.
For me, it's the only place in the community where no one pretends everything is whole.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡucMv78GzMq
We never talk about it. But I think Brother Karl feels the same.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK6utVSf6sM
When he thinks no one's looking, his smile vanishes too, and he looks pensive.
Later, Brother Karl says, "The van has to be ready for the drive tomorrow."78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYDswqHOCEL
I nod again. He pats me on the shoulder. It's one of the few real touches I've felt lately. Not because it means something. But because it doesn't want to.
78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtZsU6iqKqj
